Parenting Adult Children: Ages 25 and Beyond

Shifting from parental guidance to a friendship dynamic with our over-25s. It's a candid look at the evolution of these relationships, where advice becomes less about directives and more about consultation, and where financial independence isn't just a milestone but a gradual, carefully negotiated handover. We examine the delicate art of standing back yet remaining an unwavering pillar of support, ensuring that, as parents, we're not enabling but empowering our grown children.

As the nest empties, we face a profound shift in our daily lives and identities—something all of us, along with our listeners, are either experiencing or anticipating. We talk through the emotional rollercoaster of watching children move out (and sometimes back in), how to sync up with your partner on new household norms, and the surprising emotional complexities that come with the territory. Embracing this transition period can be as rewarding as it is challenging, offering opportunities for personal growth and self-care. Whether you're adjusting to a quieter home or preparing for the vibrant chaos of grandchildren, this episode promises a wealth of shared experiences and practical wisdom for the journey ahead.

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Transcript

Parenting Adult Children Ages 25+

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:33

Welcome everyone and thank you for joining us today as we discuss parenting adult children ages 25 plus. To do that, I'm joined today by Kim Reeves. Hello, jesse Poppy. Hello, sandy Poppy. Hello, and Mike Wilhelm. Hello everyone. As we do each week, let's start off by jumping into our question of the day. So our question today is what is something your parents told you when you were younger that maybe you ignored or thought was dumb at the time, but you realized later in life was actually pretty brilliant?

Speaker 3 0:59

One of the things that my dad used to tell me is that he said always do the things in life that no one else wants to do and do it well. And I thought why would I ever want to?

Speaker 3 1:10

do things that no one else wants to do. But what I realized as I got older is what he was trying to say is that there are needs out there that have to be met, that a lot of times other people won't see or won't acknowledge. And you be the one to go in and help if you see that there are problems out there and do it well and do it with your heart. But I didn't realize that that was really what he was saying when I was younger.

Speaker 5 1:40

Mine was not so much what my parents told me, but what I saw my parents do. My dad died two weeks before my youngest sister was born. I am the 12th of 13 children. My mom did not remarry but went to work and raised all of us on her own, and what I saw was a dedicated woman who got up every day and fixed us breakfast and we had prayer and devotions before she went to work, and I saw her commitment to family and she is an amazing woman.

Speaker 4 2:13

My dad used to say. This was whenever my brother and I would be fighting about who had to water the horse or who had to put the hay out, or whatever it was. Well then you know, you go into this list of well, I did this, this and this, and he has only done this and this, and he would always say don't count. And that was one of his go-tos is don't count. And I guess we needed to hear that a lot. And, of course, right when you're frustrated because you're not wanting to do the thing and you think someone else really should do it, and then dad says don't count, it just.

Speaker 6 2:44

It was even more frustrating, but looking back, I'm glad dad told us not to count my mom and dad told me also that it isn't about what you want, it's about what you need, and I did not like hearing those words very often, but there's powerful truth in that yeah, today we're going to talk about parenting kids after they turn 25.

Speaker 2 3:04

so what would you say is the biggest challenge that happens once they get to this age range?

Speaker 3 3:08

They do become more reflective and insightful a lot of times, but I still think they're still scared of the independence.

Speaker 3 3:16

One of the things that my daughter said was she said I'm out of college and all of a sudden everything is my responsibility, everything, and you know. So we talked a little about that and you know that maybe it's helpful when your kids are getting their gaining their independence is to kind of taper those bills and all a little bit say, okay, for three months we're going to go ahead and do your car insurance, but then let's look at what your situation is then and then maybe you can take it over. At that point let's just kind of see where things are, rather than so. So one of the things that maybe we didn't do, that I would do differently with her, is just kind of a gradual tapering off so that she didn't feel quite so overwhelmed with all of a sudden having a full time job, being out of the school arena and you know just some of the day-to-day things that adults do. She did it and she's fine, but she did share that with me that that was very overwhelming for her.

Speaker 6 4:12

I think one of the biggest changes that I've noticed in both my own children and the children that we've raised here is that after age 25, they seem more willing to talk about the struggle that they're having and they seem more capable of listening to advice or counsel and considering that it might be right. Between 18 and 25, they don't always think we're right, that we know very much, but after 25, I feel like they start believing that maybe we could be trusted as adults.

Speaker 3 4:45

I agree with that. I see that all the time with our alumni. They'll come back and they'll say, do you? Remember when you told me such and such and I'll say you actually that's been helpful, but it does take some time for sure.

Speaker 2 5:01

So how does your relationship change once they start to get beyond 25?

Speaker 6 5:05

For me. They're adults now. I mean they really are adults now, and so the relationship looks different. They share, you know, more details about their life. They tell me more about what's really going on with them in their lives. They're not hiding themselves from me while they go through all that stuff that happens between 18 and 25. And so I don't want to be misunderstood when I say this but really, a friendship that develops and that doesn't mean that I'm ever not the parent but it's different than it was when I needed to tell them what to do all the time as children, and when I needed to hold my breath between 18 and 25, hoping that they'd make the right decision. It feels different now. There is a lot more dialogue for sure.

Speaker 2 5:48

Even though your relationship is most likely changed, you still have to have boundaries right. So how do you balance being supportive versus supporting, helping versus enabling, and babysitting versus raising?

Supporting Adult Children as Grandparents

Speaker 6 6:00

Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's so important to communicate and to have those conversations at the onset. If an adult child is asking me for my help with something, I need to think about how that is going to affect me and my spouse. How's that going to affect my child and their family, and is it best for me to give them the money they're asking for, or would it be more supportive for me to offer to help them figure out how to budget their money in a different way, so that they can have the money they're asking for and that can go for any of those things? Am I willing to babysit my grandchildren Always? Do I want to raise them? Never I want to be the Nana. I don't want to be parent to my grandchildren. So I think it's important that you talk about those things and that you have boundaries.

Speaker 3 6:51

And I think it is hard because as a parent, you want to fix and sometimes it would be easier to go in and support and enable and babysit, rather than having a fix-it mindset.

Speaker 3 7:05

I think we have to have a growth mindset, and it's hard because, like I said in so many instances, it would just be easier, but you do. You have to have those conversations with your children and you have to have them with yourself, like what you were talking about, sandy. That is this what's best? How is this going to impact my family? How's it going to impact this young adult five years down the line?

Speaker 6 7:28

Because whatever choice we make about how we're going to support them or be there for them isn't just for today usually, so sometimes it has long, far-reaching consequences and affects our lives and their lives for a long time. So it's important to think about it and talk about it.

Speaker 5 7:46

I also think that supportive is maybe another way of saying it is being encouraging as you see them make good choices, acknowledge those good choices and just being there, being present, being attuned to what's going on in their lives and knowing that you, as a young couple, struggle through some situations that you see now your children struggling through, and you can encourage them as they make good choices, to, whatever it is, stay the course To stay the course to pay off that credit card they got in trouble with. Or you watch them make the tough decision to get rid of a second vehicle because they can't afford the insurance and the gas and they can get by on with one.

Speaker 5 8:31

And then you acknowledge that and be supportive of their choices.

Speaker 4 8:36

You know, as parents we're going to sometimes feel guilty when things are maybe not going quite right, or we'll feel angry when things aren't going quite right. That's pretty normal. But the hazard here is, if we get stuck in a state of guilt or a state of anger and are not being intentional with some self-care, some self-awareness, we're not going to be very helpful in this. We're either going to blow up the relationship or we're going to get sucked into enabling mode if we're stuck in a state of guilt or if we're stuck in a state of anger.

Speaker 2 9:12

So this is the time period when often, our children start having their own children. What would you say is the best way to offer support and advice during this time period?

Speaker 6 9:21

Well, I think it's important to be aware if they're struggling. But we need to have a boundary. I don't think I can give my children advice all the time that they aren't asking for, because they might not appreciate it. It might not go well for me and for them in that relationship. So you know, I can say I see that you're struggling with how to, you know, manage your toddler right now. I see you really getting frustrated about that. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you and that doesn't sound nearly as critical as let me tell you how you should be doing this sounds.

Speaker 5 9:55

I found this time to be one where the young adult is much more open and identifies with some experiences that happened in the past and are much more willing to listen about how to raise their children, and they'll reflect on funny things that happened in their own lives that at the time weren't so funny, but they have an understanding and an insight that they didn't have before.

Speaker 4 10:20

Yeah, boy, there's a huge need as a grandparent watching this go down. Our grandchildren really need us to step into that role, being grandparent and supporting the family. And it's real easy to get. Oh, we have all the answers, you know, right? So we're going to want to dictate what we think should be done with this child and maybe oversteer and certainly not be respectful of the in-law involved, and then it starts to really compromise everything. But there's just a beautiful role that's very important to be that supportive, listening grandparent.

Speaker 2 10:54

So what about when it comes to discipline? What would you advise if your kid is disciplining their kids in a manner that really isn't consistent with your values?

Speaker 6 11:01

Well, I think again you have to. The lines of communication have to be open between you and your child so that they can talk with you about what's going on and you can talk with them about what's going on. But as the parent in that situation, you have to be able to look at what's going on and see your child in the best possible light and remember you didn't always know how to do it, that's right.

Speaker 6 11:28

But he made a lot of mistakes, maybe with that child, and so there needs to be a lot of grace for what they're doing and why they're doing it. And you know, sometimes it's as simple as saying man, you look tired today. Could I just watch that grandbaby for a little while for you?

Speaker 6 11:45

So, you can have some just downtime of your own, because, really, when I look back at the times that I was making lots of bad choices as a parent myself, most of the time it was because I was exhausted and at the end of my rope, raising two toddlers and just struggling to make it through the day. You're cleaning up one mess after another. There's someone always hanging on your leg, somebody always needs something, and so to just be able to offer them some grace and a little bit of a reprieve, and oftentimes, after doing that, my kids, or the kids that I've raised, will say to me hey, I think I'm messing up about this, how should I handle this? And the door is wide open for the conversation to happen.

Speaker 2 12:25

So if your grown children make the decision to not have children of their own, how can you respond in a healthy, supportive manner?

Speaker 3 12:31

No, I think there's a very good chance with my two children that they won't have children of their own. I have a son who's considering the priesthood and a daughter who's very, very independent and has a lot of goals that she wants to achieve, and I think it's important to remember this is their life. This is not for me to interject what my wants are or what I think my needs are, because I would love to have grandchildren and maybe I will, but this we would love to have grandchildren.

Speaker 4 12:59

And maybe I will.

Speaker 3 13:00

But this we raise them to be independent and to make their own choices. But then we get angry sometimes when they exercise that independence and this is an area that's very personal and I raise them to be independent and if they choose to not have children, then I respect that independence Absolutely.

Speaker 2 13:19

Let's say you get a phone call from your kid and they want to vent about work. Is it better to offer them a bucket or a toolbox, and can you explain what that means?

Speaker 3 13:26

A bucket is handy when they need to vent. They don't really want advice, they just need to let go and just have a sounding board. The toolbox comes in when they actually are saying how do I do this, what do I need to do? And in most of the conversations that we have, when I say you need a bucket or a toolbox, they'll say whichever one, and then we end up using both.

Speaker 3 13:50

Sometimes they need just a bucket just to say I've got to get this out and then we talk about maybe some possible solutions. But it's just a way of kind of refine let's, let's where to hear, let's start here. You know, bucket or a toolbox, and sometimes you know they'll say I just need you to tell me what would you do in this situation? How did you handle this before?

Speaker 2 14:16

But, like I said, in most conversations we use a little of both. So what if they ask for your advice but then they don't follow it? You love them anyway, and just you know, carry on.

Speaker 6 14:21

There's again they're independent and we've raised them to be independent, and most of the time, there's more than one thing way to get something done. And so maybe their way is going to be fun and we have to trust that process and just keep on loving them.

Speaker 5 14:36

And the asking for advice should just be a conversation.

Speaker 3 14:40

It should not be a solution Right it's not a directive.

Speaker 4 14:43

Yeah, that's a good point.

Speaker 2 14:45

All right If a grown child needs to move back home. How would you ensure that your relationship doesn't suffer, and what boundaries should you put in place?

Speaker 6 14:52

I think that communication is really important at this stage, and lots of kids do need to move back home for a period of time, and so I would encourage families to really talk about what the expectations are, so that both the parent and the child understand what's going to happen now. Are there financial expectations? Do you have expectations about how that home is going to be cared for? Do you have expectations about curfews? What I need to be doing with my money if I'm the child, what are your expectations? And then you have to talk it through and come to a reasonable agreement about how things are going to be. But if you don't have that hard conversation, you're almost always, I think, going to find yourself in a very uncomfortable place.

Speaker 3 15:32

Yeah, and again, when you're angry is not a time to have those conversations. And I think it's important just to point out too that this situation, I think, is becoming more and more common, where kids do have to move back. I know, a few years ago I read and it might have even moved up since then, but that the average age of financial independence in the United States is 27. And so you know again, I think these situations will happen more and more. And so, yes, to have those boundaries, set those conversations and have that communication as quickly as possible.

Speaker 4 16:06

Yeah, I've never had to deal with this, but I could imagine I would need to sit down first, even with what Sandy said, and I would need to sit down just some quiet time and write down what expectations do I have about this, because it seems like it could sure be messy if there aren't any clear expectations and we just move in and there's no clear plan in place. I don't think that's going to help anybody is it? But I would have to write them down just so I could think through what do I expect here and then have that good communication with your child.

Speaker 2 16:39

How important is it to communicate with your spouse about these expectations as well? Seriously important, because I can imagine not being on the same page with this could cause some issues in the home life. Sure.

Speaker 4 16:51

Sure, and if you're talking about a blended family, if your spouse is step-parent to the children or something like that, that adds another layer of complexity to it. So much communication is needed.

Speaker 6 17:05

And do you have other children who are younger still in the home, because it's going to affect them too, and what's the perceived message that they're going to get from what happens here and what's it going to do to relationship with them, both with you and with their sibling? So it matters.

Speaker 2 17:21

So do you have any other advice you would have for parents of grown children ages 25 years and older?

Speaker 3 17:26

Hold on loosely, but don't let go. That's good.

Speaker 4 17:30

Okay, Kim, what band was that?

Speaker 3 17:33

That was 38.

Speaker 4 17:34

Special. That was 38 Special. All right, good job, that was pretty impressive?

Speaker 2 17:40

Yeah, I'm very impressed. So my last question is we've been talking a lot about our kids, but I think it's important to talk about ourselves as well. How would you advise our listeners to adjust to the empty nest? What would you recommend for parents to do for themselves once all the kids are out of the house?

Speaker 4 17:55

Yeah, I like this question and there's going to be a void. There's going to be some, really some grieving we don't ever label it as such, but it really is that we've been so accustomed to their close proximity and all the demands of that relationship of raising a child and all of a sudden there's a bit of a more of a vacuum. But it's a wonderful season to be, really to do some intentional spiritual work of doubling down in prayer and spiritual discipline. If it's in scripture, god, help me to become for those that would have grandchildren. Help me to prepare me now to be the you know, the grandparent that I need to be for the grandchildren and you're going to take on a new role. So to be intentional about that and double down on self-care and spiritual discipline.

Speaker 3 18:44

And I think it is important to talk about the grieving process that you mentioned, mike. This was a very difficult thing for me and a lot of my peers who had children that had left. They at least said they were overjoyed and that this was the best you know. They finally don't have kids in the home, and I did not feel that way. I wanted my kids to go and be independent. But I was also very, very sad and I felt like I had lost part of my role. But what I didn't realize is I just had to redefine that role.

Speaker 3 19:17

And I'm still doing that. I'm still doing that. But I agree it's a great time for some personal growth to spend some time with God.

Speaker 3 19:27

that maybe he didn't have a chance to before because you were so busy raising the kids in the house and to take care of your own, some of your own needs or some things that you had put off. But I also think it's again important to acknowledge that for a lot of us there is a grief that goes along with this and a changing of your marriage. You know, with your spouse getting to know them again, if there's been any space there while the kids were growing up and a lot of adjustments, a lot of adjustments.

Speaker 4 19:56

You know, with that I'd recommend to the return to maybe resurrecting an old hobby or taking on a new hobby, but things that bring you joy and make the world a better place will help cultivate in you the kind of person that's going to be the best help for your adult children or the best grandparent for your grandchildren.

Speaker 6 20:18

And I think it's important to think about not waiting until they're all out of the house to be aware that they're all going to be out of the house someday.

Speaker 6 20:26

So while you're in the midst of raising these kids that are mostly adults but not quite there yet we have to remember too that our spouses matter and we matter.

Speaker 6 20:38

So how am I taking care of myself physically and emotionally? And how am I taking care of myself physically and emotionally and how am I taking care of my marriage? Because when my kids are gone, I'm hopefully still going to be there and I need to be in good shape to enjoy the life that I want to have, and I need to have my marriage be in good shape, so I need to take care of that. Also, I think it's important to think about how you are going to continue the relationship with your kids. I can remember one of my daughters called me every day and the other one waited for me to call her. They're just different. Kids are different and so they have different needs, and the fact that they moved out didn't change those needs, and so I need to be aware of how I'm going to continue to cultivate that relationship with those kids now that they're not in my house anymore.

Speaker 2 21:26

Well, thank you everyone for your time. This has been a very enlightening discussion and I hope you can join us again next week, but until then, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Speaker 1 21:37

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show to brain-based parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.