Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
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Brain Based Parenting
Balancing Rules and Relationships: How to Apply Structure to Your Home
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In today's episode we talk about building structure in the context of parenting, we're referring to the intentional creation of routines, rules, and expectations within the home that provide a sense of stability and predictability for children. Structure is more than just a schedule; it's the framework that helps kids understand their world and navigate it with confidence. It includes everything from daily routines like meal times and bedtimes to broader expectations for behavior and responsibilities. By establishing structure, parents offer their children a safe environment where they can thrive, fostering discipline, self-regulation, and a clear understanding of boundaries and expectations.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Benefits of Structured Parenting for Families
Speaker 1Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2Welcome back. Today we're going to continue our series on how to implement structure and nurture into your home by diving into building structure. To do that today, I'm again joined by Catherine Clay, Director of Clinical Services.
Speaker 4Sam Serna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.
Speaker 2Suzanne Wright, vice President of Training and Intervention. All right, so let's kick off with our question of the day. Since we're talking about structure, I thought I would ask you when you go on a vacation, would you rather have every moment of the trip planned out, or would you rather just go with the flow and see what happens?
Speaker 3Can we have a balance of the?
Speaker 1two. Can we have a balance?
Speaker 3of the two, I think. For me I probably go in with most of it planned, but also probably leave a couple of windows open like an afternoon here and afternoon there, to maybe get a recommendation from somebody that's local.
Speaker 4I am going to plan every minute of this trip. We know when we're going to leave, we know what's what when's where. I have learned that I have to provide a couple of days where my wife can, we can do these random things. If not, I'll sit in the hotel all day.
Speaker 5I'm a planner so I have everything planned out. But I took a big trip last spring and I was really proud that I left some space in every day to just wander and look and see if there was something interesting to do. But I just am afraid I'll never get to go back and I don't want to miss anything and so I generally, you know, hit the door early in the morning and go, go, go until the evening to squeeze every bit of enjoyment out of a trip.
Speaker 2Yeah, All right. So today we're going to be talking more in depth about structure, so maybe we could start off by defining what do we mean when we're talking about building structure.
Speaker 5I think structure involves your daily routine. It involves having some basic rules for your home, some expectations and guidelines, Also your weekly schedule. You know what is that involved. Does that involve church or after school activities, different responsibilities that you may have or that your kids may have? Just so that everyone is aware of what the plan is, what the expectations are.
Speaker 3And I think some of that develops organically. While it might be some work to create structure, I do think some of it's organic. So just thinking about my home and probably most everyone's homes, breakfast, lunch and dinner could be part of the structure. Right Afternoon rest could be part of the structure and that stuff just happens naturally. And then adding in all the other pieces of life on top of that. So I really rely on the. This is probably because I'm lean, more nurturing, but I really rely on the organic pieces of the day, the structure that's built.
Speaker 4I just like the word structure right, Because if you think? About it. If you think of a structure, right, you're thinking of a building, right, and so a building has four walls, right. Those are my limits, right, how far I can go around. Each, each space is named, each space has its place. So that's what structure, and it's got a roof, and the roof keeps us safe, right, so?
Speaker 4a structure, to me is is like an element of safety. Without structures, human humans couldn't exist, right? So just like that in your home, structure is that same thing, it's defined, it's safe.
Speaker 5Yeah, I love that analogy, but I would add to that, like the foundation of the home right, and so that might include, like your values and your belief system and all the things that are important that underlie and provide a support system for your family.
Speaker 2So why is structure essential for a child's development?
Speaker 3You know I think I've said this before but to me structure is rhythm, it's routine, predictability and all that starts in the womb for a child, the mother's heartbeat, how she takes care of herself, all of that. And so then, when the child is born, the child eats every three hours, the child nap every whatever. I can't remember it's been so long. However, there's organic rhythm and routine. If things are going well, right, like if it's a loving, safe, helpful, resourced household, and that just carries on and Sam said this in the earlier podcast. But it shifts and evolves right through child development. But I just think of, like the organic rhythm as regulation skill, right. So if a child is born into and in the womb with a mother who's healthy, happy, safe, all that stuff, natural rhythm is being built, natural structures being built, and then outside of the womb, it's the environment. The structure that's provided is through the environment, and then that kind of develops through child development, just depending on what's going on good, bad or ugly.
Speaker 4I think it's essential because it creates, like you said, it creates the rhythm, it kind of sets a foundation for life. You know my mom was very structured in the things we did.
Speaker 4We knew food was coming, we knew we had outside time, we knew when bedtime was. In fact, I still. 10 o'clock is still my bedtime, it's, you know. Yeah, sometimes I get out of there, but you know it's essential because it creates some kind of discipline in us, right? What I do now was all based on what my mom taught me all that time ago, which I passed on to my kids. 10 o'clock is still bedtime for the most part, right, I imagine for my kids, but we're going to pass those things on. That's why I think it's essential.
Speaker 5I think it's interesting if you were to flip that question and say how would a child develop without structure? And so then you could see if there was no set time to eat or no set time to rest or no set relationships that they could count. I mean, you can just imagine how chaos would impact a developing child, and so just if you look at the opposite, you can see how important that structure and routine is for a child.
Speaker 2What might be some signs that your home has good structure?
Speaker 5I think the measure of good structure in a home would be happy, healthy children. So if you're, you know if you're children for the most part it's not reasonable to think that you're happy all the time but for the most part your kids are happy and they're doing well and they have the capacity to be calmed or learn to calm themselves whenever they become dysregulated. That there may be hiccups in the road but they're easily overcome because of the attachment that your child has with you. And you see that kids physically are healthy, they're meeting those you know, developmental milestones, they get good. I think all of that is an indicator of good structure.
Speaker 4Oh yes, I just think, with a structured home, a lot less chaos. I think that if there is some chaos injected into your home, the group can manage that chaos way simpler. I think that's what you were just saying, suzanne. If we, when something happens in the day that I got to change my schedule, everybody's informed and here's how we're going to adapt to get back on track as soon as possible and you're able to do that simpler if it's already a developed thing that you do every day.
Speaker 3Well, I think, too, like the structure is going to match, like the kid's presentation, right? So does the kid appear calm? Does the kid seem to be present with you in the moment. Does the kid seem to be able to retain information that you've shared? Are they following the instructions? Hey, this is how you clean your room, like that type of stuff is going, like how well it's going really, because if a kid is in an unpredictable environment or if there's unpredictable stress or chaos simply because there's no rhythm or no structure, it's going to be all over them, even physiologically. They're going to have responses to that. And I think when we think about structure and rhythm, we think about a well-regulated child, and that is very apparent from the outside.
Speaker 2So what might be some signs that your household might lack some adequate structure?
Speaker 3So what might be some signs that your household might lack some adequate structure. In my household, when there seems to be lack of structure, my kids are chaos and they are dysregulated by themselves or dysregulated together. All three of us are out of rhythm and they're grouchy, grumpy, all the things right, and then that's a telltale sign for me that hey, ok, let's do some puzzles, next we'll do this, then we'll do this, right, and then they just get back into regulation when they know what we're doing when I leave not always, because sometimes it's developmentally appropriate to let them just venture out Right and play the games they want to play. Work it out, have conflict, work it out all that stuff.
Speaker 5But when I see that it's outside of their capacity to kind of bring it back together or calm it down, then I know that I have to step in and provide some structure. I was thinking about when my children were teenagers and they were involved in every single athletic activity you could be involved in, right? So three different kids, three different teams of whatever, and sometimes we were running all day, every day, trying to get to different practices or different games and the structure got really hard. Right?
Speaker 5We're not sitting at home to have dinner, we're all grabbing takeout or we're sitting down at different times and it would just start to feel very chaotic and there were times when we had to say let's say no to that one extra activity right and some kids don't. You know, don't seek out a lot of activities you may have to encourage them to be involved in one, and other kids sign up for every single thing there is right.
Speaker 5But I think there's a time, as parents, where we may have to take the pulse of the family and rein in an activity whatever. That is right, that we don't have to say yes to every single thing that's offered to us. That even, yes, your child really wants to be on this team or play this one extra thing that you may have to narrow that just so the family has recovery time.
Speaker 5Some. You know sometimes kids don't get enough recovery time built into their day. That's when my kids were teenagers. They might sleep till noon on a Saturday if they had nothing else going on. And I encourage that because it was rare right and their bodies needed that time to just rest and rejuvenate. And I think sometimes in our culture we over schedule ourselves and there's a structure to that right.
Speaker 3We all had the calendars but it was too much activity and we needed to rein that in and I think, just kind of speaking to the wisdom it takes to be able to do that the role of a parent. You know, I think our kids sign up for everything because they're like in their midbrain they're excited, they're emotional, my friends are doing it, and then the parent gets to come in using their cortex and say that sounds awesome, we don't have the time. You know, I think that that's an interesting demonstration of why parents are parents, right, and why we have the wisdom and the foresight for that.
Speaker 2How can parents introduce structure without it feeling overly rigid or authoritarian?
Speaker 4Hey, sometimes we don't have time.
Speaker 3Sometimes it's an explanation of why or what do we need to do, or things like that and I think you can just using Suzanne's example, without saying absolutely not, we're not signing up for anything else. Stop asking me which is very quick, a quick response and how parents feel. Sometimes, me included you can say it would be cool to be able to do ballet. We can't do ballet, honey, we don't even have the time. Let's look at the calendar. Let me show you why we can't do ballet. How can we maybe practice some ballet at home or watch some ballet or whatever? Right, and I think a loving, kind, gracious response and a no are okay.
Speaker 5Well, and Sam referenced in an earlier podcast about bringing the kids into that decision-making right so that they have buy-in, rather than saying, because I said so right, that you let's look at our schedule, how do you think that would work Right? I think sometimes we even have to bring them into what would that cost? And let's figure out if that's a resource we could utilize or not. And so it's all in your approach If you bring them into that decision making with you and help give them information to help them make a good decision.
Speaker 3Or I think too. Okay, ballet starts on Thursday, so does baseball? We have to make a choice right, and then in that, like you guys were saying, bringing them into that decision-making process. But really the choice is yours. So if you choose ballet, and that's the route, we go, cool. If you choose baseball, cool. You're going to miss out on one of them, but you can choose.
Speaker 5I don't care. Sometimes it's hard not to care, I know Sometimes as parents I think we could all probably say we've tried to guide that decision, to sway that decision a little bit, but again, bringing them into it is important.
Speaker 2So let's look at what structure is like at different ages. What does structure look like for kids? Maybe age two to four?
Speaker 4You need a lot of structure at that age. Well, I mean, they are super impulsive at that age and they don't know a lot of things. And sometimes they naturally just want to be around you. So you're providing all that. You're giving them a framework, you're giving them their safe spaces at that age.
Speaker 3Well, and I think too, just like Sam said, I have a three-year-old and he follows me around and knows what we're doing, when we're doing it and why we're doing it, and he'll say when's breakfast, when's lunch, when's dinner, and all of that is natural, organic, but also him trying to make sense of the day right and understand what we do each day and how our family works. And if I didn't provide that, or if I didn't have internal rhythm myself, I think it would reflect in him in our home, of course, and a lot of it to me feels like safety right, like I'm providing structure because you have to eat and you have to sleep and I want what's best for your body. Just that basic caregiving stuff happens at. You know some of that. Two to four, I think. Maybe closer to four there might be some opportunity to like kind of bring the child into some of the structure. You know, I mean I don't give my kids choices on like bedtime, because it's super firm.
Speaker 3But, like you know, we might say hey, do you want to eat dinner before we do this or after we do this? It's still going to be five or six, seven o'clock, something like that, but you know or when school starts. Here, pretty quickly, I'm going to bring my daughter, who's six I know I'm jumping ahead, but six into a little bit of like, what does that rhythm look before school and after school? And my three-year-old will probably just do the same thing as us. But I think there's room for some collaboration at these ages.
Speaker 2So what does structure look like then, from five to ten?
Speaker 4Well, they're going to have some opinions at that age. They are very inquisitive. So, as Catherine said, I think at this stage, I mean, they might not get the ultimate decision, but they at least get to know hey, here's why we do that, here's why we go, and here's why it looks different for us and not them.
Speaker 3I think the idea that we're a family right. Like I am the parent, the decision will be mine. The ultimate, the ending decision will be mine. But I want you to be happy and healthy and tell me what you think, what works for you, what doesn't work for you. At that point, just because they're with us 24-7, most of the time, I pretty much know what works and doesn't work. But I just think it's a cool conversation to say, hey, it doesn't really work when you don't get enough sleep, right, remember last time? Blah, blah, blah, and just kind of inviting them to be part of that process is cool and probably something they want at this age.
Speaker 5I think conversations like that bring it to their level of awareness. So if I get up in the morning and I'm grumpy and I don't really feel good and I'm still sleepy at this age, I can say well, you stayed up way too late last night. But for a child of any age, you may have to point that out. Remember last night when you were struggling to go to bed and you really wanted to stay up late and that was kind of an argument. How you're feeling this morning is directly related to staying up late last night.
Speaker 3When I say two, and that's why mommy makes it a point for you to get to bed on time. Yeah Right, so there's like here's the lesson, and I love you so much that I want you to sleep well.
Speaker 2It's important, you know, and so that's a balance there. So let's talk about perhaps the hardest one, 11 to 15. How would you do structure for that age group?
Speaker 3I think this one will probably come with a lot of trial and error, right? So, hey, bedtime's at 10, whatever that may be, and say your kid says, well, I'll go in my room but I'm not going to sleep, right, and so then they wake up super tired and there's that trial and that error. And then you have that similar conversation, or like you are interested in having them be included more in the rhythm and the structure and are we overbooked with sports and all that stuff. I think that there's still conversation to be had about. These are the choices we made, and now we're super tired or whatever it may be.
Speaker 5So I think the middle school years are challenging. I'm really glad to be past the middle school years in my parenting journey, but I think it's helpful to remember that the emotional brain is really developing and growing at that time, and so that means the rational brain is not always in control of decision making, and so you may see that a lot of what drives their behavior seems to be emotionally reactive choices.
Speaker 5But again, keep in mind that's developmentally typical, that's appropriate, and that you are providing the cortex, the rational thinking Structure, the structure Josh says at the end of every podcast. Remember that you may have to loan out your frontal lobes, your rational thinking brain, every day, but be sure to get them back. So this is certainly a situation where you are the rational thinking brain and they are the emotional brain, and so you are providing that structure and consistency while allowing them to develop and grow.
Speaker 3I think this is a good example of how you provide the nurture and the structure, because they're going to say emotionally charged things and you can say even if it's insane, you can say wow wow, I can tell that you're really upset by this. That must be so frustrating. And then you give your rationale or your structure right.
Speaker 4I was thinking that at this age I became more of a coach. Right, and you notice, at this age kids start leaning more towards coaches, which really makes parents mad. They like me more, but coaches can be. It's weird, because coaches can be a little bit harder, they have tons of structure. But also it's it's really neat, cause when you're like in football, you're calling the play, here's what we're doing, here's what's what. Who's in charge? Coach? But who has to execute the kids Right. And then when they when they mess up okay, well, here we got to talk about that. Here's how we're going to do it better. When they do great, they get praised right. So now, at this point, you're changing your role.
Speaker 4You become more of a coach than an actual authoritarian person.
Speaker 2What about being structured from ages 16 to 18? What does that look like?
Speaker 4This is where we become the spectator. We still coach, but at this age they're almost adults and they need tons of freedom within reason. They're going to ask you the craziest things to do. Can I spend the night? Can I go on a drive? Can I? Oh gosh, you know they have their license and do I let them? And to me it was the scariest time for me as a parent because I had to find a way for them to have what they need to grow but also keep myself sane.
Speaker 3I wonder how much of this has worked for the parent at this time, you know, oh, it's hard work, I bet yeah.
Speaker 5Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also think too that the earlier you provide structure, the easier it is to appropriately release some of that tight hold that you want to have over teenagers. Right, if you have waited until your kids are teenagers to provide structure and expectations, you are going to be in for a bigger battle. It's not impossible. But for those of you listening who are parents of younger children just know as difficult as it is to build that foundation of structure now. You will be way better off as your children grow. I definitely think that what Sam said is appropriate. This is definitely the age where they're preparing for adults, so you have a lot to guide them in before they step out onto their own and they possibly go away to college or join the military or get a job and sometimes parenting.
Speaker 5We have this short-term focus where we're just looking at the next five minutes in front of us but we need to have a long-term focus for preparing our children for adulthood, to live independently away from us. And so here is your last parenting. Part of the journey is to prepare them to now, you know, be ready to step away from you and live successfully as productive citizens.
Speaker 2So if you want to know what structure looks like for kids 19 and above, we have a podcast that we recorded earlier about parenting kids beyond that and I highly recommend that you go back and check that out. It was very well received and high rated. So how can structure positively impact a child's sense of security and confidence?
Speaker 4It's a beautiful thing when your kids are mature and you've provided this sense of safety for them. Right To hear them repeat something you said, even as a teenager, right? And hey, I'm not doing that because this or not that you know. So I also think they always have a fallback. So because you instilled all this thing, it's just automatic. They know what's next, they know what to do Even when they're out there as teenagers in the world. They have this foundation of things right, so they are more confident. They know what to do.
Speaker 3Well, there's a lot of teaching moments in structure right, there's a lot of teaching happening and a lot of teaching moments in structure right, there's a lot of teaching happening and I think that in itself would create confidence. But going back to like the safety and security of like, providing structure, rhythm, routine, it builds in a sense of like felt safety in the body and then the central nervous system and that in itself is going to create a confident, more present, more aware, more connected child.
Speaker 5I think if we go back to that unconditional relationship, a child also knows they can always come back to their secure base, which is you, the parent.
Speaker 5If I try to manage a relationship or a conflict with the teacher or I blurred out in class and I say something I shouldn't have, but I can go back to my secure base, to my parent, and say I'm in trouble for this or I really messed this up, and they know that they will get unconditional love and regard for that. That builds your security and your confidence to try and go out and navigate it again.
Speaker 3I've heard people say I hope that when my kid child, adult child, gets in trouble, that their first thought is I better call mom or dad and not oh. I hope my mom or dad doesn't find this house and I think that's really powerful.
Speaker 2When I first was thinking of this question, I remembered a story I heard on the radio, I think about a new school that was being built and they've had this beautiful playground. When they first opened the school up, none of the kids would go play on this like beautiful playground and they said the reason was they hadn't built a fence around it yet and all the kids just wanted to stay right up next to the school. And once they finished the fence around the playground, amazingly the kids all ran out and played on the thing, and I think that's such a great analogy for what structure does for kids.
Speaker 2It gives them that safety and security where they actually feel comfortable branching out. But if they don't have that, then they'll never explore.
Speaker 3So what might be some potential downsides of too much structure and how can parents balance that? I think too much structure would impact connection and relationship. I think that kids would start to view their parents, like Suzanne mentioned earlier, like they're in boot camp or they're under control, under somebody's control. And then I think too much structure also limits opportunity for trial and error and creativity. And if I mess up, what do I do next to fix that? Because everything is structured, there's no room for error, and that's where we learn, I think.
Speaker 4I think it breeds insecurity. I think, if people don't know how to make decisions, they don't know how to make choices. They either got to go back and rely on their parents or they're just frozen. They don't know how to decide. They're not maybe more worldly?
Speaker 3I wonder if there's a correlation between and I don't know, but too much structure and like being tightly wound or anxious or nervous. I don't know if there is, but I don't know. I think maybe there could be.
Speaker 2Yeah, I think I've actually read. There's quite a bit of studies on how, like my age, parents have gone too crazy on the structure and that's caused kids in this generation to be the most anxious kids. I mean, they're just paralyzed because they don't have that ability to make decisions and they're too scared to ever make a mistake either. If I fail, then I'm a failure. They don't know how to manage that.
Effective Parenting Communication and Structure
Speaker 3So what role does communication play in helping children understand and accept structure? For I think if they are communicated with about why we're doing what we're doing, what the purpose, why it's the best choice, they're going to be much more likely to buy into it. And then another piece of that communication is asking what do you think about this? Does this make sense to you? Does mommy's trying to make the best choice for all of us? You know, like just you know, you're going to have to do it in a way that's age appropriate, but I think having conversations instead of being a dictator is probably pretty powerful for kids and they'll accept the structure because they trust you.
Speaker 2So how can parents effectively deal with resistance to structure and routine?
Speaker 5Again, I think you bring that child into the conversation so that they have a voice. Nobody wants to be forced or dictated to, but you give them a voice while you still let them know. Ultimately, I am the parent, I'm responsible, I have to make the final decision. And again, once you make the decision, you stick to it like glue.
Speaker 3When I think it's okay to validate, you're frustrated. This is different. Mommy made a different choice. You have to trust. Mommy makes choices that are best for our family and I hope you know. I'd love to talk to you more about that or whatever it may be. But for anybody to feel seen and heard, you first have to validate what their experience is, and I think that's with kids especially.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean, it's our job to provide the structure. Yeah, I mean, kids are going to not want to do stuff. So if I set a homework time, they can lie about not having homework. They're going to have the consequence for that Naturally. If they refuse, then I can allow a natural consequence to happen or I could impose something I could say well, until that's done, we're not moving on to the next thing that's going to cut in your outside time or your video game time or whatever. That is so right resistance. I really like the conversational piece and I think within the context of having a discussion like well, what's the problem with not doing this today, or is there something different today? Is that a lot, you know, and we find out the why and, if we can we give different options, or can we do this at a different time depending on the situation?
Speaker 3Right. I think, being able to hear from the child as to why this isn't working for me, there may be some legitimate concerns. Hey, I don't have enough time to relax after school. Can we do it 30 minutes later? Sure, that's totally reasonable and that's a great solution. Or they say I hate homework, I'm never doing it again. Well, that's not going to work.
Speaker 5We're going to have to problem solve differently, but also there's some problem solving skills in that and being taken seriously you know, like nobody wants to be forced, but if the end game is that we get, we accomplish the homework or whatever, that's good. I think sometimes we need to remember to speak as respectfully to our children as we would to a friend or a coworker. I would never, I would never dictate to a coworker and say you have to do it because I said so.
Speaker 5Or if they voice a concern, I wouldn't say it, I don't want to hear it, right? And yet those are common phrases that people say to their kids me included, right, where I just you know, and it may be that I felt I was at capacity, but if we respond as kindly to our children as we would to a friend or a co-worker, we might be amazed with the results.
Speaker 3I have a story to tell about my daughter because I was on the phone. It's telling on me.
Speaker 1It's not telling on her.
Speaker 3I was on the phone with a coworker and I was, I think, myself. I spoke the same. I got off the phone and she said why do you sound so different when you're on the phone than when you're talking to me? And I thought, oh my gosh, I don't think I realized the performing of that.
Speaker 2You know, like I am, I owe you this respect, regard, relationship whatever, and maybe I was more sharp with my daughter, I don't know. But yeah, I think also it's important to be consistent and don't give up, Like in the moment I. A lot of times it just feels like it'd be easier just to be like I'll just let it slide and yeah but in the long run, if you do that, then you're going to be letting slide, slide, slide.
Speaker 1So it's harder.
Speaker 2in the long run, you become a doormat. That's exactly right.
Speaker 4And not to extend this thing, but also you're going to have a natural tendency when that happens, you're going to go to control or you're going to go to I give up. I think that's what y'all said, and again we have to figure out the balance. Sometimes it's appropriate to go to a state of control if it's a safety issue, right and sometimes it's appropriate hey, I guess this time we got to just let that one go.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 4You know, because you know, one thing we can't control absolutely parents is what happens when they're not in our care.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 4So what happened at school that you have no clue about, or maybe teachers don't even know?
Speaker 4You know, especially like middle school. Like Suzanne said this earlier, middle school is probably my hardest time of all school and you know you need to just come home and tell mom those things sometimes you know, or dad you know, and so we got to remember that sometimes they had a real rough day, and my routine right now is not working Because I just don't have the capacity to do homework at four o'clock when I just got back from the stressful day or the bus ride home or the walk home or whatever whatever it is. So we got to also consider and ask what's what's what, and you said this earlier, katherine. I really like this the um, the part about asking the kid being able to have the conversation with you and not being afraid to talk to you about it, so we got to create that environment right, no matter which way this goes right with the structure, like you're saying, like they deserve as much kids deserve, if not more more grace when things are hard.
Speaker 3right, like I think that what you're saying. I, you know, my little families had ups and downs and just thinking about times my daughter needed a little bit more nurture than she needed structure, and that's what we did.
Speaker 4Right, like what was the need at the moment? Yeah, you're right, and you know we can take a mental health day off from work. We have PTO.
Speaker 5They cannot take a day off from school?
Speaker 2Not really right, so think about those things. All right. Thank you so much for finding it in your routine to join us today and if you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarleyorg. I'll make sure and leave a link in the description. Also, if you haven't already, please follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review and tell a friend, as always. Remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.
Speaker 1Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
