Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Essential For Success: Teaching Our Kids Social Skills
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Unlock the secrets to nurturing socially adept children with our engaging discussion Join us as we share amusing stories and delve into the lifelong journey of teaching social skills, from reading cues and expressing empathy to mastering effective communication. This episode promises valuable insights into how these skills contribute to a child's personal and social growth, setting them up for success in an ever-evolving world.
Our conversation is packed with practical strategies that will empower parents and educators alike. We emphasize the power of modeling behavior, where children learn by observing the adults around them. As your child transitions from elementary school to adolescence, you'll find yourself navigating new challenges. We explore how parents can continue nurturing emotional intelligence and social skills by focusing on supportive relationships with trusted adults outside the immediate family.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Teaching Social Skills to Children
Speaker 1Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.
Speaker 2Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about how to talk about the importance of teaching social skills to our kids. To do that today, I'm joined by Allison Robson Programs Outcome.
Speaker 4Manager Chloe Hewitt. Youth Programs Administrator.
Speaker 5Suzanne Wright, vice president of training and intervention.
Speaker 2All right. Well, let's kick off with our question of the day, since we're talking about social skills. Can you share an experience when one of your children displayed some not so great social skills?
Speaker 4So I have one. I'm so glad that hopefully my husband doesn't listen. But recently my son, who is around five, six he's six now. I don't remember if this was when he was five, but he I guess had woke up and asked to get in the shower with Austin, and so that part's whatever. But he then, when they got to soccer, he proceeded to tell his coach hey, I took a shower with my dad today and I have never seen my husband be so humiliated.
Speaker 5When one of my daughters was about three years old, we were walking to pick up her sister and we sat down to tie her shoe and a very large man walked by and she told him you're fat. And when he didn't respond, she repeated it louder. And as I cringed and, you know, tried to shrink into a little ball, and so I did correct her quietly in the moment, but later we did have to have a conversation about what's appropriate to point out and what's not.
Speaker 3I have three kiddos, and my five-year-old and her 12-year-old brother were getting some yogurt tubes out of the fridge and they usually cut the tip off and then wrap them in like a napkin because they're frozen. And my 12-year-old went in the kitchen and did his and came out and my 5-year-old stayed in the kitchen all upset and I went in to help her and she was like he didn't do mine for me and I said, well, did you ask him to do it for you? Well, no, but I hoped it.
Speaker 3And so we had to have a conversation about, you have to ask for what you want, and otherwise nobody knows what's going on in his head.
Speaker 2When my Kirky Zoo and we were in the reptile area and you know it smells kind of funky in the reptile enclosure.
Speaker 2So we're in there and all my daughters have their nose plugged and all that, and my youngest daughter she's. It was a big crowd in there and she decided that she was going to go up to my wife or at least what she thought was my wife and she stuck her head up a lady who was standing right next to my wife's shirt and so that she could block out the smell. And you not believe the shock on this other lady's face when this five-year-old little girl just stuck her head up her shirt, all right.
Speaker 2So, since we're talking about social skills, what are social skills and why are they important?
Speaker 5I think social skills are knowing what to say and what to do at the appropriate time and in the appropriate setting.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean I would agree. I think it is a wide variety. That's such a big statement Like what are social skills? I mean, I think really your ability to read people, read the room, your ability to have empathy for others, I think that that's also a social skill, because sometimes we see that lacking and then just overall, how you speak.
Speaker 3Well, kind of some basic guidelines on how you interact with other people.
Speaker 2Yeah, so what age is the best to teach social skills?
Speaker 5All ages. That's what I was going to say.
Speaker 4I thought about that question a lot last night, like I think it's all the time. I don't think we ever really stop. I think even as adults sometimes people have to point out when we mess it up.
Speaker 5I think even my adult children call me sometimes and say here was the situation, here's what I did, what should I have done or what could I have done differently. So I think it's that we're always learning what appropriate social skills are.
Speaker 2Allison, I heard you say start as early as possible. Why do you think it's so important that we do start social skills at that early ages?
Speaker 3You're building habits and so you have to start those habits early and correctly. So I have three kids. When my youngest was born, the middle one would always complain that oh, she was mean to me, oh, she did this, and so we would correct the baby or we would correct the stuffed animal that was mean to them or whatever.
Developing Social Skills in Children
Speaker 3That's not one sided. If your perception is this, we're going to address both sides, and I knew the baby hadn't done anything to the four year old right, but he had to see that everybody was being treated fairly and addressed for their situation too.
Speaker 2So what are some of the best ways to teach basic social skills?
Speaker 4So I think what Allison was just talking about was kind of modeling, right, like she's like talking about doing it in the moment. And then there's modeling it, so like my kids watching me and how I interact, that my son, we were at waiting tables and they had forgot his drink and he, when they came back around, asked politely like hey, is there any way, whenever you get time, can you bring it to me? But he waited very until the person the waiter was not busy. But I remember thinking and our friends that were with us were like we're so proud that he knew that and I thought I don't know how he knew that because I've never other than him watching me and Austin interact with waitstaff. I haven't taught him that.
Speaker 5So I think modeling is a big one. I agree with that. And also that you intentionally correct social skills when you see it in the moment. Right, so that if you see something rude, if you see something inappropriate that you could correct in the moment or have a quiet conversation later and say, hey, remember when that happened earlier in the day. Here's another way to approach that.
Speaker 4Yeah, I love that because I think that's what we use a lot with our kids on ranch. And so we had a boy who's a senior this year and is doing phenomenal with social skills, but initially he was really bad at social skills. When he came, his grandma kind of raised him and it was kind of a hard situation where she was real abrupt in the way she spoke to people but also had like very close boundaries, and so one of the things we worked early on with him was you cannot stand nose to nose with me when we're in conversations, because that is kind of what he was used to. And so we that was our first thing we worked on was giving some space in there. And then the next we started working on how he responded to people, and sometimes it would be in the moment, but sometimes it would be later on. We would pull them aside and say hey, how did this play out? What did you notice about the conversation? What response did you get? How did that work for you?
Speaker 3All those Well, and also front loading. You had conversations going into this.
Speaker 3What are you going to do? You know, when I have a new kid, I'll move on to campus. I'll say, okay, we're about to go into the dining hall, it's going to be really loud, everybody knows. You grab the door, you hold it open for everybody and just front-loading them in the moment of hey, do this. Or we're about to walk up to somebody, make sure you put your hand out and shake their hand hi, my name is. And just walk them through, just quietly in their ears. You're walking alongside them and prepare them for each of those interacts.
Speaker 5That makes me think of you know? Or the rolled eyes. So we would pull up and I'd say, okay, what's the speech? And then they would tell me right? So that was just a playful way, so that, instead of me repeating, don't forget to say please and thank you. You know, mind your manners, wait your turn. That they knew those things, and then they could repeat it to me.
Speaker 4It's funny that you say that because I recently joined Praise Team at church, probably like six months ago. But my kids a lot of time when there's practice there's no one watching them. So we have these rules prior to us going in that we go over every time no talking about butts, no running and no fighting. And those are the three that I'm like. I need you, yes, and so they like no. Those are the rules before we go to praise team. No one is watching you, so these are your rules.
Speaker 2So what might be some signs that your child is struggling with social skills?
Speaker 5Think if you watch the reaction of other people to your child.
Speaker 5So, how do adults respond to your child? How do other children respond to your child? And you'll notice it Kids that struggle with social skills tend to struggle across the board, not just in one setting, and so you will notice and see things. I think sometimes, as parents you know, our kids say and do things that we initially think are cute, or they say something in a funny way and we don't really correct that because it's kind of cute and that's okay in the home. But then when you start to notice that it's causing a problem at daycare or at school, that's really where you need to step in.
Speaker 5My oldest daughter pronounced the word restaurant rent-trent for years and it was funny and it was cute and I did try to correct her several times and she just wasn't having it until she read that out loud in class and people made fun of her and she came home and said Mom, you say that word restaurant. I said I know I've been trying to teach you that but she wasn't open to receiving that from me. But when her peers corrected her she got it. So I think that you're going to notice it and you're going to notice how other people respond.
Speaker 4I think that's so great. Yeah, I mean one of the things I think you also take cues from. You know teachers too. I think I know, catherine and I have talked about that in other podcasts that you know they spend almost more time with our kids than we do. So sometimes it is staffing like, hey, what are you seeing with his interactions? And most recently, my son had a book fair and my husband went and I died laughing because he came home and he's like oh, the kids were interacting with him, it was going well. And I was like, okay, you were literally gauging Leighton's social skills while you were there. And so I think you're always watching and trying to see how they interact. And then I think the simple thing is to coming back, like what we talked about. But that's one of the signs, I think. Or just their peer groups if they are struggling to have any peers, then that's also a sign too.
Speaker 3Yeah, if they just don't acknowledge having friends or they're not feeling like they fit in or they're always excluded, oftentimes it's actually about their behaviors, not somebody else's behaviors.
Speaker 5You know also, when we're talking about really young children all the way through, I would say, middle school, they tend to see things only from their perspective. It's very difficult at that age, developmentally, for kids to put themselves in someone else's shoes and so, for example, kids who argue that you know they always have to be correct. I'm right.
Speaker 3You're wrong.
Speaker 5Or they struggle to see things another way. Part of that is age appropriate, developmentally, that it's difficult for them to see that. But the way that we help that brain development is to do things. And so how did that go for you? What was your perception of that? How do you feel the other person responded Right, and so we're trying to develop that. But know that at that, at that stage of brain development, that's pretty typical.
Speaker 2So what are some of the positive outcomes of teaching social skills, especially at an early age?
Speaker 4I mean, I think the earlier that you start, then it kind of seems like it just falls in more naturally for them. I think it's been interesting, I think as long as you're coaching and modeling. Our daughter just had a parent teacher conference and they were like, hey, she gets along with everyone in the class, but they said that if somebody does feel like somebody's not treated right, she's the first one to step in and try and help, but not actually be bossy, which I thought she would be bossy. So I think the earlier you start and she's only three, so she's learned some of those I think that that is creating a good baseline. We talk all the time about how you want to build building blocks, and so I think this is a good one to build to the awareness and all the things.
Speaker 2So what about some of the negative consequences for a child if we neglect to teach them social skills?
Speaker 5I think we see that frequently with children who come to live at Boys Ranch. Just that they haven't been socialized in the same way maybe my child has, or your child has and so they've developed those habits like Allison said right where they have a history behind them, a habit of treating people in a certain way and it's not really working for them, but it's all they know.
Speaker 5And so by then there's a lot we have to undo right so when you teach early you've got that clean slate, and when you don't teach early, they develop some bad habits that are a little bit harder to change and harder to correct.
Speaker 4Yeah, you know, I think too what's important here is to just note that, to embrace it a little bit when they do so like, we see it a ton on campus where they're high schoolers and they're kind of functioning lower in their social skills and so really it's kind of meeting them where they're at.
Speaker 3I think a lot of the kids that come to us in junior, high and high school. Their social skills worked for them in the home environment for the most part.
Speaker 5That's a good point.
Speaker 3They often come from much larger school systems and so they flew under the radar, right that being quiet, not interacting with people. All that worked for them. It didn't cause a problem. And in our much smaller setting it becomes much more evident that that's not working or that won't work for them long term. Or you take them out of, maybe, a chaotic family situation or away from the grandmother. That was the same personality and the same behaviors and it doesn't work the same when you change that.
Speaker 5And so then we have to teach them differently, because what you learned only worked in this little situation and that's not the broader picture. Well, and, we're always looking ahead to prepare children for life after graduation right and so, regardless of what might be okay or tolerated in a small environment, may not translate to applying for a job right.
Speaker 5You've got to have those social skills to go through an interview, to interact appropriately with a boss and with your co-workers and possibly with clients. So we're always looking forward to the future. And how do we prepare kids to be successful in life long-term?
Speaker 2So how would you teach social skills, let's say, with a child age three to five? How would you go about that?
Speaker 5I think we start by teaching things like please and thank you, right that we model that for them. That's a really hard age when you have to start learning how to share, and I seem to remember that sharing was one of the hardest skills for my kids when they were little, and so I think you have lots of opportunity, but you also have more access. So at that age you are always involved in the lives of your kids and so you are very hands-on. There's lots of opportunity for you to observe and correct and role model.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean, I think all of those things, please thank you. And then, even when they see a situation talking through it, it amazes me. My daughter continually amazes me with how verbal she is and just how she processes things. So we just had a situation where one of my friends was upset about a kid that we were servicing and he was struggling, and so she called crying and later on in the day my daughter asked me like, hey, mom, why was she so upset?
Speaker 5And I was like, well, you know, she was just having a hard time staffing it and you know the mom was hard for the kid and she said, well, we should just buy him a new mom.
Speaker 4And I said, well, that's not really how that works, you know, and she goes. Well, how does it work, mom? And I said, well, it works like we kind of have to put it in God's hands now, like, well, okay, and that was it right. So, as we do her evening prayers, I pray over her, we pray for her. I always ask her who she wants to pray for.
Speaker 4Well, at the end she said, mom, you didn't pray for the boy or pray for his mom, and so I think that that is funny, because she always wants to kind of like I would say, staff, like situations that she witnesses, and so I think that is kind of a social skill is talking through it when they do ask and not being afraid to answer hard questions, and so that works a lot and I think even with my five-year-old it's the same. He recently said I wanted you to know, mom, me and my friend went and checked on this girl that was crying on the playground and I said oh, what made you do that? He said she looks sad, I thought she could use somebody to talk to and I most beneficial for that age.
Speaker 3Well, I think we always look at small children, infancy and upward, as they don't know, and so we have to intentionally teach it all, and so modeling and all that happens much more naturally. Hey, we're going to practice this because you have to learn the skill, you have to say please and thank you, and you start really those examples from the time they can talk right, say please, we do sign language with infants and all those things.
Speaker 3And as they get older, you forget that maybe they don't know, or maybe they don't remember, or maybe it wasn't reiterated as much, and so we as adults have to remember to be just as intentional about reminding, prompting, actually intentionally teaching it as they continue to grow and learn those interactions.
Speaker 2That's great. So that brings us to elementary age kids.
Nurturing Social Skills in Adolescents
Speaker 5How do you teach social skills to kids in elementary years? I think, just to build on what Chloe said is that a lot of times your own children come home and tell you about something that happened at school. So-and-so said a curse word to the teacher, or, you know, this kid hit another kid. And I think that that is a bid for you to process what happened with them, right? They're trying to make sense of it. They haven't seen that kind of behavior before, or it was scary to them. And that's a great opportunity for you to say, wow, what do you think led up to that? Or what do you think that was going on that would make that child so angry or so scared? How did the adult respond? Is there another way the adult could have? Like, what would you have done in that situation? And all of that helps them think through not only emotions but social skills, and it also helps build their cortex, and cortex development is what allows you to override the emotions in your brain, right?
Speaker 5That cortex development makes sure that when you're angry you don't ram the car in front of you because, they cut you off or, you know, hit a neighbor because their leaves are falling in your yard or you know whatever it is. So that cortex development is really important, but they learn that by having those conversations with you. So, even though you just got off of work and it's time to cook dinner and you're really busy and your kid is telling you something that happened in school, take the time to listen to that and help them manage what happened in their own mind.
Speaker 4I mean, I love that. So, and it's a small example but my son recently we, you know, we're moving out of shorts and into pants and so we have this rule at our house so we don't really let him wear sweatpants to school, like we make him wear jeans. But he's not happy that shorts are done and he has to wear his jeans. And one day he said I don't understand, this is, this is stupid, mom. And I said fine. I said why do you think mom wants you to wear it? Like what? What is that about? You want me to look nice? I said, yes, I'm going to tell you something. When you look nice, people take you more seriously. You automatically walk into a room and people and you look clean, cut and you're ready to go that. So recently they had a field trip to the symphony and his best friend that he has at school always wears sweatpants every day. And I was like telling him hey, tomorrow you're wearing slacks and you're wearing a button up and man, I really hope they told you know his best friend.
Speaker 4I really hope they told him because he struggles to dress up, mom and I, and he was worried about it all night and I said well, you know, maybe we all got notifications, but it's a simple social skill that we've implemented with even him in kinder, that we just want him to start looking nice well and help them learn there's going to be rules or guidelines you don't agree with the rest of your life.
Speaker 3Oh yeah, that's good kindergarten, whether you 're at a job, whether it's school dress code that you have to just follow, because that's like yeah like it or not, because you agreed to go to the school, you agreed to follow those rules or you agreed to work here, you have to follow those rules. You don't like being at work at eight. Then you got to find a job that's not an eight to five, and so that's, you don't have to like it, but you have to follow the rule, type of mentality that you're teaching them.
Speaker 2So we work so hard from three to five in elementary school and then they get to middle school and they forget it all. So how do we teach middle school kids social skills?
Speaker 5Well, I think we may have more opportunities in middle school than at any other time in the life of a child Again, I go back to brain development but their emotional brain is really driving the train during middle school, and so they definitely see things through the lens of emotion.
Speaker 5They definitely see things through their own perspective. Somebody did this to me. Right, it's all about how do I feel and how am I managing this, and so I do think you have to stay on top of that and you will have more opportunities to process those emotions. But part of it is that the kids for you to have those opportunities, your kids have to be willing to talk to you about those things, right, right? So you have needed to provide that safe foundation that they can come home and they can vent or tell these stories and you can manage your emotional response to that, right? So, even though you feel like they're being dramatic, or even though they've told this story 10 times, or even though you really need to do something else, if you're not that adult willing to listen, they'll manage their emotions by talking to somebody else, which will probably be a peer, and they probably won't get the very best advice that they could.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean, that's so true. I think that they're in that emotional brain and they're going to need to talk through every feeling that they have and I think sometimes it's difficult because I go back to Salma all the time. But the first rule is to take them seriously, and I think that this age is real powerful for that. You just sometimes you want to laugh, sometimes you want to roll your eyes, and so the most that you can watch your face and your reaction is the best. I'm not the best at that Actually, my husband is better at that with the kids and not reacting and so I have to really watch it, because, as the mom, I want to just like take it all, and so I think that that can also be key here.
Speaker 2So then they get to high school. What do you do to teach high school kids social skills, and how does that look different?
Speaker 5I think high school kids have so much more autonomy right, as opposed to that three to five where you are involved in their daily lives all day, every day.
Speaker 5In high school they spend more and more time away from you.
Speaker 5They are spending more time with their peers and with, maybe, the families of their peers.
Parental Modeling Social Skills Conversation
Speaker 5They may have a job at this point. They are involved in athletics, possibly right, and so, recognizing that coaches, that teachers, that maybe family, friends or friends from church also have a big influence over their ideas and opinions and values that are still warming, and I always felt like I should intentionally build relationships or foster relationships between my daughters and other adults, especially other females who I felt were strong and positive but had the same values that I did, so that if one of my daughters didn't think they could come and ask me something or say something to me, they knew that they could go to these other women and you know so I intentionally fostered some of that right for them to spend time together. In fact, I actually had conversations with those women. Hey, you know, you're a wonderful role model for my daughter and I appreciate the fact that she trusts you and I would trust you know so that if she came to you that you would give almost the same advice I would give you know, and I think that that's really important.
Speaker 5And there were times that one of my daughters would come home and they would say, mom, you're not going to believe what Aunt Meg said, and they would repeat something that I had said five times previously, verbatim right, but because teenagers are struggling for that independence from a parent, they weren't able to receive that from me, but Aunt Meg said it and they could hear it from her, and I just think that that's important for us to build those intentional relationships.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean I think, josh, you've talked about that in previous ones that you've built relationships with the coaches, and I think this is another key kind of like what Suzanne was saying like it's powerful that sometimes, like they can drop the nugget even though you've dropped it and it goes longer, and so I think that that you could also use the coaches or people at church, like just that they do have those outside resources.
Speaker 3Well, and that's one of the things that's so beautiful about this community is all of our teachers and coaches get the same training that we as employees get, and so they are they have those same nuggets of information to share with the residents during those opportunities where they're not willing to seek out ranchside staff.
Speaker 5Yeah, and for your personal children. You've got to build those relationships and again, it could be with teachers or coaches or people in your church or other groups that you're involved in.
Speaker 2One of the things I found with my own daughters they're in high school right now is that this is a good opportunity for them to exhibit their social skills. But there's still times when we have to coach them up. They can handle a lot of it on their own, but they're still going to mess up every once in a while. So it's kind of just coach up, take off those rough edges so that here in a few years when they go out into the world, they're ready and they're prepared and when they do mess up, it's not the end of the world.
Speaker 5Right that we, we expect that you're not going to get this perfect, because as adults, we don't either. Right and so I think that's a big part of teaching social skills is when you mess up, how do you repair that, especially if you've damaged a relationship with a peer or another adult? How would you take ownership of that and how could you make that right? And what would that look like?
Speaker 4Yeah and not being afraid.
Speaker 4I think this is a key one too, which I don't know if it is relevant, but also, you know, knowing who they are and being comfortable in it, because I think that's also a social skill.
Speaker 4So I think sometimes my son had a friend which he's way younger, obviously, than high school, but I think it's relative that was real into scary stuff, and so my son doesn't like scary stuff because we don't really watch it or embrace it, and so he would just be like, well, he's into it and I'm like, yeah, but that's not. Do you like it? He's like no, I said that's okay, you don't have to like the same things as your friends, but they can still be your friends, because it's what makes you unique and it makes you like fun to hang out with is that you like different stuff and you can teach him and he can teach you, and I think that's relevant in high school because they are Well, especially in high school when they're looking at what do I want to do, moving forward as an adult, if I'm choosing, you know how many of our football players are like well, I'm going to play football in college.
Speaker 3How realistic is that? And is that normal in other high school settings? They all think they're going to play college football moving forward. And what is your real interest and passion? Well the cool thing is to say I'm playing football. But if you really love culinary or you really love teaching or something else, that's okay too and you can pursue that and have that interest and we'll foster that for you.
Speaker 4You know, I think that's such a good point to even I kind of hate the question like hey, what are you going to do when you're done? Because like it's so scary and like we all changed our degrees several times and like didn't know. And you know, I knew where I wanted to go to college at like 13,. But I knew where I wanted to go to college at like 13,. But I'm very much a planner and all the things. But my husband had no idea and he's successful. And so I think it's one of the things I always say to kids is it's okay, it could change, but like this is where you're going and then maybe it changes, but that's okay because you already know who you are. And I think that that's powerful too, because they struggle at that age to be like what is next? All my friends have these.
Speaker 2So what role does parental modeling play into teaching social skills?
Speaker 5So I started off and I told you about my daughter. You know, telling a stranger that he was fat. And you know, when we got home we had a conversation about how that's not appropriate, that it could hurt somebody's feelings, and I said next time you want to notice something about a person, maybe you just whisper it to me, right? And so we would be in a store and she would whisper, mom, that that lady's really pretty Right. So she wasn't really able to judge, but it was better than you know what. So so years later, she is probably 12, and we're in public and I see someone I know with a baby I haven't seen in a while, and it's about a six month old baby with cute chubby little thighs, right. And so I go, oh, look at those chubby little thighs, look how fat these little thighs are.
Speaker 5And my daughter was horrified. She just you could see a change in her face. And when the conversation ended and we left, she said Mom, I can't believe you said that. And I said what she goes? You told that lady, her baby was fat, right. And so that early learning stuck. And now she's horrified that I have broken that rule. And so I said, oh, you know for a baby. That's a compliment right Now if I had told the mom your thighs are fat that would have been inappropriate right.
Speaker 5But so that parental modeling is so important, right. But in this situation there was context, right. So that was a little bit more of a fine social skill we hadn't quite figured out yet. I think if your kids see that you treat waitstaff politely, that you're nice to the lady who checks you out at Walmart, that you don't bash the neighbors or bash other family members, they are constantly watching every move you make and everything you say, and they will role model, they will follow suit. And so it definitely has to be a case of do what I do. If you do something different than what you instruct them, it's not going to stick.
Speaker 4Yeah, I mean, I think that that's. It's so funny. Mine's simple, but you know we talk about what words not to say and stupid is one of them, and every now and then I will be on the phone and say it and then my daughter's like we don't say that word right in the back and I'm like we don't.
Speaker 4So you're teaching your mom, and so I think that is the conversations you've had, and then modeling it daily. And then when you do mess up and so I say, yep, we don't say that word, mom shouldn't have said it a little bit when you do mess up or even, you know, as it gets age, appropriate even maybe have conversations about, hey, me and this friend had a conflict and this is kind of how it looked, or, if they have a conflict, allowing them to process it and what could have been done differently. Some of that is also, you know, teaching and modeling it, because they're going to watch how you talk about other people. They're going to watch how you interact with people.
Speaker 3And I was thinking about when you said stupid. I had a girl asked me just a few weeks ago do you cuss? Well, yeah, sometimes I cuss Like well when. Like well when I'm in private with my family, like adults or just my friends, like, do you cuss in front of your kids?
Speaker 3No, I try really hard not to cuss in front of your kids and they're just asking explanation about why, and just being honest with them about there's a time and a place for things like that and when I'm hanging out with a bunch of junior high kids is not the time and place. I'm hanging out with my five year old is not the time and place.
Speaker 3Even if I'm in my home having a private conversation with my spouse, cussing in front of my five year old is just not the time and place. If I am at a point where I need to vent it to that level I have to do it of a child is not, in my opinion, the time to do that and helping a 12-year-old junior high kid understand and just kind of process through.
Speaker 4Well, it's kind of like Suzanne said If you don't do it, somebody else is going to have the conversation, so you might as well not be afraid to have it and just talk through it. So I think that's awesome. I mean, that's amazing, have picked up on that.
Speaker 3When they ask all sorts of silly things, like you know, one time I was just a couple weeks ago I was walking with the same kid and we were doing something. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so scatterbrained I just keep forgetting things. She goes yeah, you're a mom. I was like, oh, okay, talked through why moms might be forgetful, or why we're multitasking and things get lost, or why we feel the need to multitask, and just kind of discussing from her perspective on why that is the reality and why they see what they see in all those things, yeah, so, just to finish, you have an example of a success story of helping one of the kids you've worked with with social skills.
Speaker 4Yeah, I feel like I have several actually. I mean, I'll talk a little bit about one of the girls I worked with Coming in. She had kind of gotten jumped and beat up in a classroom and so she was real anxious about even coming out to ranch. Come to find out. You know, I think there are some things that she did social skills wise that kind of led to it because she had a tendency to just say whatever was on her mind and then also didn't care if it was derogatory towards another student. So we worked a lot on how she interacted and looking at it from another's point of view, stop, think and plan. So basically, stop what you're doing, think about what happened and then plan for what's next. And so that's some social skills stuff there with her and really we continued her entire time processing.
Speaker 4It was also a major trigger the time I was in casework, and so it was a major trigger for her mom because her mom had lack of social skills. So then it would tap into her mom had lack of social skills, so then it would tap into her mom and her mom was so worried she was going to end up struggling as much as she did. But she's doing great now, holding a job, has close friends, and so obviously she's 22 now, which makes me feel old. But you know, you just work through it and I think you start to realize that you know, kind of like the brain, it can change and social skills can change and there's success there. The boy that we were talking about, that I talked about earlier in the story with the grandma he's a senior this year and he is doing wonderful was actually nominated for Homecoming King. Didn't win but went on to be well-liked in his class and well-liked in the home and now a leader in the home that he's at. So that's a major success there too.
Speaker 5I think, just like with any of the skills we've ever discussed, repetition is key, right? That's how the brain learns is through repetition, and so you can't have one conversation about social skills and expect it to stick. You've got to have multiple conversations. You've got to always remember that you're role modeling, and then you adjust as kids get older.
Speaker 2Well, thank you for joining us today. I hope we have increased your social skills knowledge so that you can not only better teach your kids, but you can also use those skills to go out and convince all your friends to listen to the next episode of Brain Based Parenting and then subscribe and give us show If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission?
Speaker 1please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
