Calming the Chaos: How Front-Loading, Structure, and Routine Help Kids Manage Anxiety

 In this episode, we continue our exploration of strategies to help children manage anxiety, focusing on the power of front-loading, structure, and routine. Our experts explain how sharing plans in advance and providing predictable daily rhythms can help reduce anxiety by creating a sense of safety and control. We discuss practical examples, such as using calendars, empowering children with choices, and modeling emotional regulation, while also exploring how co-regulation and play can foster resilience. Join us as we share insights for parents, teachers, and caregivers on building calm, supportive environments that empower children to navigate their emotions with confidence. 

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Transcript

Helping Children Manage Anxiety Through Front-Loading

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about a very important issue anxiety in children.

Speaker 3 0:34

To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright, vice President of Training and Intervention.

Speaker 4 0:40

Catherine Clay, director of Clinical Services. Christy Reeves, neurofeedback Specialist.

Speaker 2 0:44

All right, let's go ahead and kick off with our question of the day. Since we're talking about anxiety, I was wondering what would you say is your favorite regulation skill to calm down when you're stressed?

Speaker 4 0:53

If you find me in my car just sitting and listening to music and you're like she's parked there a long time just know I'm trying to regulate. That's mine.

Speaker 5 1:06

And don't interrupt me either. It's so funny because I know what mine are and I still just don't do them very much, like you know. But I love to. I love to journal and write.

Speaker 3 1:14

I really I love to sew and I love to do things that are creative. I can remember several years ago that, you know, it was one of those days at work where everything that could go wrong did go wrong, and it just was a terrible day. And when I got home that evening, you know, I'd actually climbed into bed and I remembered that I had promised to sew some patches on a vest for a coworker and he needed it, you know, by the next day, and I thought, oh fine, and so I got up out of bed and this was a denim vest. He was part of the Christian Motorcycle Association and so we had a couple of. So I sewed the patches on and I thought, why stop there? And so I added bows and butterflies and ruffles this is not true.

Speaker 4 1:53

It is true, oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 1:55

It is true. And so, you know, an hour later I felt so much better and so I took that motorcycle vest to him the next morning and he put it right on and wore it all day at work and got lots of uh compliments maybe just comments, not really compliments, but that creative process, you know, that made me feel better.

Speaker 2 2:16

so, yeah, I love to run and be out in nature, so either going for a hike and going for a hike, or going for a run or, my favorite thing, way to calm down. All right, today we're going to continue our discussion on how to help our kids deal with anxiety. Can you explain strategies like front-loading and the benefits of structure and routine, and how these can help reduce anxiety in children?

Speaker 3 2:35

Front-loading is one of my favorite concepts and I think for all of us, not only children, but the idea of front-loading is that we tell children what's going to happen before it happens.

Navigating Anxiety Through Front-Loading

Speaker 3 2:46

So I might say, hey, tomorrow's Saturday and we're going to sleep in late and when we wake up we'll have breakfast and then we're going to go to see a movie and after that we might go to Walmart and shop. I would just lay out the day so that they know what to expect, and part of front loading is then, if the plans change, I'll let them know what those changes are going to be. Hey, we're not going to be able to sleep in late tomorrow. After all, we need to get up and get to an event or an appointment. Structure and routine are very calming to children, right. When your brain knows what to expect, your brain doesn't have to worry about Children who come from hard places or who have trauma histories. Typically surprises were negative surprises, and so providing structure and consistency and routine actually helps their brains to be more calm and less anxious, and front-loading gives them that information they need to trust themselves that the adults in their world are going to take care of them.

Speaker 4 3:44

When I've given that advice to parents in the past, some responses are great and some are well, what do you mean?

Speaker 4 3:49

We do the same thing every day, right, and I also think that we also expect kids. We also expect that kids are functioning in the same way that we're functioning right. So, like, yeah, I know what my day looks like every single day, but I can't expect a kid that doesn't really respond to stress well, or a kid that has other symptoms that might be impacting his ability to think clearly or whatever, to be able to function the same way that I do. The other piece I always ask parents and I do this for my own kids is not only do I verbally tell them what we're going to do, we have a calendar in our house that says first thing, second thing and third thing for Saturday afternoon or whatever, and then my older child can go and read that and say, okay, well, we've already done that, now we get to do this right, and so I think that there's validity and also providing multiple ways for that kid to take in that information.

Speaker 3 4:37

You know we have always lived 30 to 45 miles away from the closest big town, right. So when you go to town you have a long list of errands to run.

Speaker 3 4:46

And so I'd have my three daughters with me when they were young and one of my daughters would say, well, where are we going next? But what are we going to do next? And I'm like you're stuck in the car, just chill out, right. But she needed that information, and so what I started doing was handing the list to her oh, that's awesome. And saying, where do you think we should go next? And now you know, sometimes I would say, hey, if we do this here next, it's right, it's close by. Yeah, we wouldn't have to drive across town and come all the way back. But giving her the list and giving her some control and power completely changed her mindset. It made her happier, it was less stressful to her, and so she was one of those kids who needed a little bit more control and structure.

Speaker 5 5:28

That's incredible.

Speaker 3 5:29

That's a great idea.

Speaker 5 5:30

And I just I was going to say I think that front-loading is kind of a new thing, like I don't think when we were all children that we really necessarily got a lot of that.

Speaker 1 5:40

No.

Speaker 5 5:41

So, but I mean you do see the benefit.

Speaker 3 5:44

I think even for adults front loading is helpful.

Speaker 3 5:48

You know, when I teach classes of new employees, not only do I give them a schedule for the week and talk to them about that schedule, but if we're going to change, then I bring up those changes. You know, and kind of first thing in the morning when we all gather in class, I say were there any questions left over from yesterday? You know, did you think about anything yesterday that you were curious about? And then I kind of restate here's what we're going to talk about today, here's what our day is going to look like.

Speaker 3 6:15

And that's helpful for us, you know, as adults as well, when I have things planned, those are conversations I even have with my husband, right? Hey, remember, on Saturday we have this to attend. Josh, you're laughing. Does April do that with you too?

Speaker 2 6:29

All the time I need it. I definitely need it.

Speaker 4 6:32

I think the thing to remember is that when we have a predictable schedule or we front load and we know what's happening, that allows our brain to calm down and feel safe right. And then, once we feel safe, we're able to function in many different ways in abstract ways, problem solve, emotional regulation, all that stuff. If what is happening in the day is unpredictable or we don't have front loading, then not that we can't function, but we'll probably be knocked off. Our routine access much easier and the resiliency won't be there as well if it would have had we front loaded.

Speaker 2 7:06

What type of relational interventions would you recommend for a child struggling with anxiety, and how can family members, teachers and friends play a supportive role in that?

Speaker 5 7:14

I think that one of the biggest is modeling. I think that when you do provide that safe, structured environment, do allow some opportunities for empowerment, you know you're kind of creating a space where that child is what. They're watching you and you know you are providing it, but you're also showing them how it's done. You're regulating your emotions, you are planning these things that are helpful to them and using tools that they can feel the benefit from, and then it's kind of you know, then they've got that, they've got that experience that they can feel the benefit from. And then it's kind of you know, then they've got that experience that they can draw from later whenever they're on their own.

Speaker 3 7:53

You know earlier, Christy, you said that front-loading wasn't really a concept that we talked about when we were younger, and I think regulation is the same way right, and so we've talked about regulation in previous episodes. But you know, it's just methods that we can use to help our brains be calm and so, as adults, most of us have tools that we use to calm ourself down. You know, a lot of adults will say I go outside and take a walk, or I listen to music or and you don't necessarily identify that and say, oh, I'm doing a regulation activity to help myself feel calm, but we've learned those tips and techniques, and so that's important for us to help our children find methods to regulate right, and that again, you role model it. You say, hey, whenever I'm upset or frustrated, I find that taking a walk really helps, or I take a bubble bath or whatever that is. But to point out the connection between that activity and the effect that activity has on your brain and your emotions is so important.

Speaker 3 8:52

And so having that conversation with your children where you help them identify when you feel this way, what are some things you could do that would help you feel better, and rather than expecting kids to figure that out on their own not only do we role model that for them, but we help them come up with what those techniques might be, whether it's listening to music or bouncing a ball or sitting in a rocking chair or playing a game or doing a puzzle.

Speaker 4 9:16

And a lot of that exploration happens in co-regulation and so it's similar to what you're talking about. But I'm thinking like my six-year-old isn't going to be a. She might, but it would be hard. When she and I go for a walk, I might reflect. Gosh, my body feels way calmer, that's great how does your body feel right and it's co-regulation has to occur before she could develop the skills to do it herself right.

Speaker 5 9:42

And it's funny too, because my son and I started doing drawing like the step-by-step drawing, to where it's a little bit easier to get a finished product that looks really good. And he yeah, not everything works for him, but he was able to say this does. This calms my brain, this makes me feel relaxed.

Speaker 3 10:00

I think to even back up a step is to help children identify what does anxious feel like?

Speaker 2 10:06

in my body.

Speaker 3 10:08

And so if you back up and we may be able to identify it, I may notice a change in my child's facial expression or body language or behavior. But have they identified that right? And so to connect those things for the kids so that when they feel this way in their body, they can identify that as I feel anxious or mad or sad. And then we go to that next step of what would help your body feel better and help them to identify whatever that.

Speaker 4 10:37

When I think make that language in your home right. Like I work really hard. I don't always do well, but kind of externalize my inner dialogue for my kids, so when they are both talking to me at the same time and.

Speaker 5 10:50

I feel like I'm going to explode.

Speaker 4 10:51

I say, wow, mommy is overwhelmed, and I might even shake my hands or shake my body or something like that. I can't hear you both at the same time. I'm giving some language. Mommy's tummy hurts when you guys both speak at the same time. It makes me feel nervous. It's too much noise. Then just making that kind of part of your language in the home, and I just work really hard to externalize what I typically internalize, which is being frustrated or being overwhelmed or being angry or whatever it may be, and I think that that's just such a good teaching tool for kids.

Speaker 5 11:23

Yeah, because they're not, as they don't get as much experience identifying the harder emotions. You know, they hear all the time like you look happier, are you proud and you and things like that. But yeah, to identify the more challenging ones, I think is a really useful tool. I do too.

Speaker 3 11:40

I think it can also be important then, to have that conversation with your child's teacher yes, or maybe daycare teacher, where you say, hey, I've noticed, when my child gets angry or frustrated or anxious, that this is what that looks like and here are methods that we use at home to help turn that around. Would you be willing to incorporate that Right, because teachers would love to have those tools too. They don't. You know, they have 20, 30 kids in a classroom and, rather than recreate the wheel, if we could give them that same insight and those same tools that would help our children, I feel certain they'd be receptive to that.

Speaker 2 12:18

So, looking at prevention, what advice would you give to families with younger children to help prevent anxiety from becoming overwhelming as they grow?

Speaker 3 12:25

I think all of the things that we've talked about would be helpful, right the way that we handle anxiety ourselves, the way that we model dealing with anxiety for our kids, using structure, routine, balance in the family, acknowledging that we all feel stress at times and here's some ways to deal with it. I think that's all important. And, again, being willing to ask for help if we feel overwhelmed or if we feel like our children are overwhelmed.

Speaker 4 12:53

I think, to pay attention, as those regulatory skills or technique will likely adapt across the lifespan. You know what works for a one-year-old is a bottle and a pacifier. You know that's obviously not going to work for a 15-year-old, so I do think that it evolves. I think we're kind of on a mission to figure out all the time what helps our bodies feel calm and safe and regulated. I also think that you can't go wrong with any regulatory activity that involves moving your body, whether that's walking or any other activity, sports, recreation so I always lean towards that and also play is super powerful for regulation and to not necessarily to prevent, but just having these pieces within the rhythm of your home, I think is really valuable.

Speaker 3 13:42

You know, when you mentioned that our responses adapt and change. It reminded me that several years ago I was conducting these continuous quality improvement interviews with our residents here on campus, and so we randomly select a group of kids and we basically ask you know, how are things going for you here on campus and how do you feel like our adults are helping to meet your needs? And one of the questions was have you been in a timeout recently and, if so, would you be willing to share that with me? And the young man I happened to be interviewing was a senior in high school, and so I thought he, you know, would roll his eyes and look at me and say really, ma'am. And so, you know, I asked the question have you been in a timeout recently and would you be willing to tell me about it? And he said yes, ma'am, just last week. And I said well, can you tell me what happened? And he said I was so angry at my roommate that I wanted to punch him, but instead I went and sat out on the front porch in the porch swing and swang until I felt calmer and I thought, wow.

Speaker 3 14:38

So this was a kid who had come into placement early, and I promise you, when he was in elementary he had plenty of time out, but here he was a senior, he was about to graduate and go out into this world to be on his own, and he had been able to internalize the concept of a timeout and use it appropriately as a young adult. And I just thought that was amazing. And that's exactly what we want to do with our kids, right? We want to give them tools and techniques that work for them at whatever age and stage they are developmentally, but things that they can internalize and take with them into adulthood.

Speaker 2 15:14

So, for families currently navigating their child's struggles with anxiety, what message of hope and encouragement can you offer them?

Speaker 3 15:20

You know, one of the most powerful things I was ever told by a friend when I had a young child was kids go through a lot of stages, and this is a stage that they'll be able to move out of. When you're in the forest with the kids, you're and your kids are struggling with. Whatever stage that is, it seems overwhelming and it seems like it won't ever end, just like we talked about with COVID, right, is there an end? We didn't know, and so I think that's helpful to think that when your kids are struggling a lot of times, this is a stage.

Speaker 3 15:52

One of the things that Dr Perry Dr Bruce Perry talks about is that at different developmental stages throughout our kids' lives, it's like they're cleaning out a closet, right?

Speaker 3 16:01

So when you clean out a closet, what do you do? You pull everything out and you throw it on the floor and you make this huge big mess and initially it looks worse, but then, as you start to organize and clean, you put things back in the closet and at the end it is more organized and clean than when you start. Our brains do the same thing, right. When we go through developmental stages, we kind of throw everything out on the floor, and for parents that may look like regression and you think, oh, I thought this was headed in a good direction and all of a sudden now we're regressing. But actually what kids are doing is just reorganizing that closet with the new skills and techniques they have, because they're at a different developmental stage and so I think that's hopeful. You know so when you see that mess on the floor, realize, hey, they're reorganizing, there probably is an end to that stage and things will be better, even though right now it feels messy.

Speaker 4 16:51

I think for me, I would say that anxiety is unavoidable. You know, I think we work hard to not feel uncomfortable, but anxiety can be helpful. It can produce resiliency if done, if experienced in a healthy way, with support, with support, and if not, or if the anxiety feels pervasive, there's so many resources. There's so many resources, whether it's your own journey in reading and exploring material, articles, whatever, or if it's professional help. There's just a ton of resources, and so there's going to be something out in the world or in the community that's going to help.

Speaker 5 17:27

Well, and for me it's kind of piggybacks off of what you were saying with resources. It's like the fact that we are on just in such an incredible time of learning about the brain, I mean, the things that are coming out and the speed in which they are. You know, I think that we're just going to be able to understand more and more and things like this that you know we all struggle with we'll have, we'll have more information, we'll have better understanding and with that will come better strategies.

Speaker 2 17:54

I'd say too, you're not alone.

Speaker 2 17:56

I think, everyone is going through this all together. If you have kids, they're probably anxious. If you have kids, you're probably anxious. So talk to your friends, talk to your family and I think you'll you'll realize that you have more in common and you can help support one another through through that. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask a question, our email address is podcast at calfarleyorg. I'll leave a link in the description. Also, if you haven't already, don't stress about it, it's super easy to do. I want you to follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review. I know it'll help relieve some of this anxiety and stress in your life. As always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just remember to make sure you get them back.

Speaker 1 18:35

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.