Establishing Self-care for Parents and Caregivers

This episode emphasizes the crucial role of self-care for parents and caregivers, exploring its impact on family dynamics and personal well-being. Through practical tips and shared experiences, we encourage listeners to prioritize their own mental health to foster healthier relationships within the family. 

• Discusses the importance of self-care for caregivers 
• Shares personal self-care activities from panelists 
• Addresses common misconceptions about self-care 
• Highlights signs of neglecting personal care 
• Recognizes how personal well-being affects family dynamics 
• Teaches children the value of self-care through modeling 
• Provides practical strategies for effective self-care 
• Examines the significance of setting boundaries 
• Offers insights into overcoming guilt related to self-care 
• Encourages proactive self-care to prevent burnout

Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org 

To Donate: 
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T

To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/

For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/

Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402

Transcript

Prioritizing Self-Care for Parents and Caregivers

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprock.

Speaker 2 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to discuss the extremely important aspect of parenting self-care. To do that today, I'm joined by Sam Serna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.

Speaker 4 0:40

Cole Smith. I work in the Transitional Living Program.

Speaker 5 0:42

Julia Ortega, a direct care staff training specialist.

Speaker 2 0:45

All right, so let's jump in with our question of the day. What is your go-to self-care activity?

Speaker 4 0:51

I'll say that, while I've been much less good about it in the new year, which I think is the opposite of what's supposed to be true probably my go-to is trying to start off my morning with a workout.

Speaker 5 1:07

My go-to is going to be some kind of quiet time with music. I like to listen to music and maybe a craft do something, but music will be involved.

Speaker 3 1:11

Mine's too. I like to get up early and just spend time alone, and sometimes I do play some video games or watch some videos.

Speaker 2 1:18

Mine's getting outside and just either going for a walk or going for a jog or running. I wouldn't say actually run anymore more, just kind of walk, move, move. Yeah, all right, we're talking about self-care. So how do you personally define self-care and what role does it play in your life as a parent or a caregiver?

Speaker 4 1:34

I mean, I guess I would define self-care as intentional choices or activities that you make that help manage your stress and regulate your emotions.

Speaker 3 1:42

Yeah, my mind's simple. I look at self-care as just things that keep me going, keeps me motivated and my body going.

Speaker 5 1:49

I just think of things that help me, like stay in my rhythm, stay calm and stay focused and on task.

Speaker 4 1:57

Yeah, and it's super important as a caregiver that you're not reacting to every difficult situation that pops up when working with kids your own kids or someone else's kids just because there's always going to be something that's popping up every day. And if every disruption throws you off that you can't manage and regulate and respond appropriately, it can create chaos really quickly.

Speaker 3 2:19

Yeah well, I think stress creates. As an analogy, it creates an amount of heat. Right, you can only take so much before maybe it blows. So you know, taking care of yourself helps to keep you calmer and able to manage more difficult situations.

Speaker 2 2:31

So what are some common misconceptions or barriers that parents and caregivers face when trying to prioritize self-care?

Speaker 3 2:37

I don't have time.

Speaker 5 2:39

I think that's the first thing I think of too. We feel like we don't have time to do self-care.

Speaker 4 2:43

Yeah, and I think a lot of times we think of self-care as like a big event where we have to block off an hour of time and spend it in silence or getting a massage or something big, as opposed to all the little choices that you can make. That helps set you up for success through your day.

Speaker 5 2:58

I think when I was younger too, I thought self-care meant exercise. Like I didn't really consider emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of self-care. It all just seemed like it should be exercise, Some kind of physical activity meant equaled self-care.

Speaker 3 3:15

Yeah, I think a lot of people equate it to that, but at the same time, I think it's whatever everybody needs, whatever I need, whatever you need. Also, I was thinking that it's kind of like food, like sometimes I need a snack or sometimes I need to whatever you need. Also, I was thinking that it's kind of like food, like sometimes I need a snack. Right, well, sometimes I need to go do something to calm myself down, or it doesn't have to be a ritual that I'm doing every morning, for example. Sometimes that's helpful. But if you have a chaotic life, sometimes you got to do it when you can Like, so I need this now. Maybe I can cut out healthy snack or something like that for myself.

Speaker 2 3:43

So what might some signs be that a parent or a caregiver may be neglecting their own self-care, and how would this affect the family dynamic?

Speaker 3 3:50

You know, sometimes people, parents I remember just seeing people look tired as parents they're tired, especially you got babies and they're waking up at all hours, right, and so I think one of the signs I always saw was, you know, around their eyes they look so tired and so they're not maybe just prioritizing that because they're too busy just trying to meet the needs of the kids.

Speaker 4 4:10

Yeah, and I wonder if, maybe, if you're starting to feel bitterness or resentment towards your schedule, your family members, some of those relationships, that might be a sign that you're not prioritizing enough self-care or attending to your own needs, if you're starting to view the other members of your family negatively or with bitterness or resentment.

Speaker 5 4:27

I think also too, if you stop doing things that you like to do can also be a sign that you need some self-care, if you just kind of get into survival mode and you're not doing the things that bring you joy or kind of recharge you.

Speaker 3 4:43

Yeah, and I heard I heard resentment from Cole. You know how does that affect the family dynamics. You know spouses fight, there's more arguments in the home or less patience and tolerance. So those are things that self-care really does affect.

Speaker 4 4:57

Yeah, and I think whenever, you know, resentment and bitterness seep in, then every conflict is no longer about the actual conflict or situation. That's when people stop fighting fair and they start bringing in the other things that have nothing to do with it, and so now it becomes very hard to resolve or move past in a healthy way whenever new situations do come up.

Speaker 5 5:14

When you're already in that spot too, when you're not taking care of yourself and you start feeling resentment, you start feeling bad. It's harder than to get yourself out of that situation, and if you would make time for self-care, you know to for maintenance.

Speaker 2 5:29

You guys talked about bitterness, joylessness. What about apathy or indifference? How does that play into? Or how is that a warning sign for someone lacking of self-care? What might be the impact with that? Because I think I see it as you just get yourself so dry, you don't have anything poured into you, where you just don't have the energy anymore and you just kind of lose that motivation to want to do the things that used to kind of motivate you and encourage you and energize. Do you see that being a part of that as well?

Speaker 4 5:56

Yeah, and I think when you start building in or start feeling that apathy, then so many of the activities that you use to enhance relationship building and make connections with the people in your family are some of the first things to drop. So all of those outdoor activities or creative activities that you can do together as a family, those get dropped whenever that apathy builds in and so it builds in on itself. For now you're not having those, those moments that kind of bind the family together and help strengthen that relationship.

Speaker 3 6:28

Yeah, I mean. What I'm hearing you say, I think, is that that apathy creates. The thing that we don't need is loneliness. You're stopping those connections and no longer wanting to enjoy those things with other people because you're, for whatever reason, you're not feeling good enough to go take care of yourself, which creates maybe a cyclical problem or a compounding problem.

Speaker 2 6:41

So how does practicing self-care teach children about the importance of maintaining their own mental and physical well-being?

Speaker 4 6:47

I think I have used this phrase on this podcast before, but me and my wife use the language of doing things that are good for our bodies and our brains a lot with our kids. Our kids are between five and ten, so it's a pretty accessible language to say, hey, yeah, we do this, we work out because it's good for our bodies. We hand our brains a lot of times. We are drinking water because it's good for our bodies. We're eating frequent snacks because we know that when we're not eating, we get grouchy and it's bad for our brains, and so we just name it a lot of times. This is why we're making this choice hey, let's all sit down and color and draw. We all seem to. It seems to be good for our brain and we treat each other better whenever we're doing stuff like that. And I think when you can draw attention to it and be intentional about being intentional about it, kids can respond to that. They can understand that concept of doing things that are good for their bodies and brains.

Speaker 5 7:35

I think it's important too that you guys do that with your kids, Like we have to role model that for our kids or they're not going to learn it until they have a crisis. So I think that's important, that we're role modeling that to our kids and we're naming it for ourselves and our kids.

Speaker 4 7:52

Yeah, I think, Josh, you've talked before about you had always done your Bible reading at the office or at work and your kids asked you about why you don't ever read your Bible. And it wasn't that you weren't, but it was just a practice. You did off in a different location with them and they missed that that was a central part of kind of your daily rhythms and activities.

Speaker 2 8:10

Yeah, if they don't see it, then it doesn't happen, right yeah? So I think it's so important that we model what we want the kids to reflect. So when might be the best time to practice self-care then?

Speaker 5 8:21

Before you're in a crisis.

Speaker 3 8:24

I think it's best to be in a rhythm. Right. My mornings look the same. I get up at the same time. I try to build a routine for myself for a reason is that it helps me to keep doing it every day, because I know that at 5.30, this happens. I go on a walk. If it's bad outside, I have a backup plan. I can do my indoor workout or whatever I want to do. Or if I got a reading time where I read, I used to do all those things. This is a rhythm, so when it's built into my schedule, it's less likely that chaos happens. Right, and if it does happen, I can maybe just readjust that right.

Speaker 4 8:55

Yeah. So I got sent some pretty interesting social media material and I think the author was Dr Ashley Solomon and she used the language of self-care versus aftercare and saying both can be very beneficial, and she defined it as aftercare is the thing you do once you're already overextended and I think a lot of times it's the things we think of where someone taking a spa day or needing a big massage or a mental health day versus self-care being. You know, I take a regular, regularly scheduled PTO and time away from work. I have professional boundaries where I don't bring work stuff home. I am making good food decisions that help my mind and body and doing all those regular things she defined as self-care and those bigger things that maybe, after you've already been over, extended, that's the aftercare and sometimes they're both needed. You might hit a season where you are extended and that's just what life required in that moment. Family crisis, work crisis and different circumstances can require that, but it's not the same thing as intentional, consistent self-care.

Balancing Self-Care and Responsibilities

Speaker 5 9:54

Yeah, self-care, I think, are just things that are built. Like Sam and Cole both said, are just things that are built into your routine. They're just part of your daily routine. They help you maintain. They're not things that you do because of a reaction to something that has caused you stress or a buildup of something that's caused stress. They're just those daily things that you can do to maintain your self-care.

Speaker 2 10:15

I think self-care is one of those interesting things. I think we all know that we're supposed to do it right. Like Sam, you should do self-care, cole, you should do self-care, julie, you should do self-care.

Speaker 4 10:25

But no Shocker. Eat right and exercise is good for you. Who knew?

Speaker 2 10:29

Yeah, but I'm like too busy to do it right. That's the excuse we all say. But really, if we don't make a plan to do it ahead of time, then we will probably have to come up with some more drastic things down the road to combat that. The best time to come up with a plan is before a crisis happens, as opposed to responding, and it's an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. Even though we're all busy, it is, I think, really important to prioritize self-care in our lives. So what might be some practical, time-efficient self-care practices that busy parents or caregivers can incorporate into their daily schedules?

Speaker 3 11:01

I think somebody said this earlier it doesn't have to be an hour workout, it doesn't have to be anything. I mean I think you can build anything into your schedule. I don't have time really. That's just talking real. It's just an excuse. I mean there's 24 hours in the day. I mean if I need to go to bed earlier, maybe I can control that. If I need to control waking up earlier, I can control those things right. If I'm in the middle of a day, I mean my day typically looks the same for me. That doesn't mean that's true for everybody else, but I think everybody can squeeze in something, whether that's reading a Bible verse or doing something that just recharges your batteries. I think it's different for everybody.

Speaker 4 11:37

I'm imagining, say, you're a parent or caregiver but you also go to an office job.

Speaker 4 11:42

I don't know about anyone else who sits in front of their computer a lot, but there's only so much productivity.

Speaker 4 11:47

That occurs if I stay seated in my chair for three hours in a row and if I will take that break after 45 minutes, stand up, go walk around, go get something to drink, go grab a snack.

Speaker 4 11:58

My next, you know, even though I took a 10 minute break, I'll get more done in that next five minutes than I would have done in that last 10 minutes, and it's a better hour than if I just worked on straight through. And so, if that's your setting, maybe it's taking those small breaks, maybe it's bringing, you know, small healthy snacks, a beef stick or some fruit, something that you can use to not feel like you're dying or crashing in the afternoon. Yeah, if you're with your kids all day long, maybe that's your role, having time where this is our creative time together. Coloring is good for kids for self-care. It's also good for most adults for self-care and something they're more likely to engage in if you're sitting next to them doing it also, and so I think you can get some benefit both for yourself and for them, and if they're getting some regular self-care, maybe that will help the rest of your day look a little less stressful also.

Speaker 3 12:47

And also combining things. So if I have kids and we're at home and I got to take care of something, why take my kids with me? Or I walk, or maybe my self-care is walking and I now I need a stroller, or my kids are going to walk with me. It might mean I walk a little slower, but I'm still getting something in and building it. It also goes back to the other thing, right? We're also teaching and modeling at the same time, so I think that makes it pretty time efficient to just combine things.

Speaker 3 13:11

Take stairs instead of walking. I've read that stuff. I like packing your own snacks and do all that the night before. So it kind of limits the amount of choices you have to make when you're preparing earlier. So, as you, if I prepare things at night, or my workout stuff's out in the nighttime, or my snacks are prepared at night when I go to work, I don't have any. I have less deterrent to do the things I need to do to take care of myself Pack my book, the book I'm going to read on my break, or whatever it is. For everybody's different self-care there's a way to get ahead and plan a little bit better. So even if your day goes sideways. You might just have the thing you need with you or do the thing you need to do.

Speaker 4 13:44

Yeah, my, my wife has been stressed out before on work trips. If she only has one book and she thinks she might finish it before she gets done and so she'll take like two or three, I was like there's no way you're going to read them. She's like yes, but if I have downtime or if there is a break, I will have options and I'll have my books with me, and just that little bit of time creates lots of options for you later.

Speaker 5 14:03

I am the same way. I'll overpack things to do instead of overpacking changes of clothes or things like that.

Speaker 5 14:11

I also think that if I'm taking better care of myself during my work day, if I'm taking those breaks I'm getting up Josh and I had conversation the other day about I like to go sit on the patio with the windows, especially if it's raining or snowing. I like to sit out there and read, where I might take my break out there just for a few minutes. Just that change of pace and being in the sunshine and help. So if I'm taking better care of myself during my workday, I'm going to have a better evening at home after work.

Speaker 2 14:39

So how does setting boundaries play into self-care?

Speaker 3 14:42

Well, as it relates to a professional right. I mean, all of us are parents, right? So if we're on VOM at work, for example, I have to set boundaries, especially because, well, I supervise people right today, and I would say that I was pretty good about setting boundaries. Hey, you know, at this time, these are times I'm reachable. If it's not an emergency, just shoot me an email. I'll get to it when I can. If you need to talk to me within the next hour, just shoot me a text. Or if you need me now, call me.

Speaker 3 15:08

But I found this way that I can balance, Because when I go home, I have to spend time with my family, Because that's what recharges me. Right, Work's always going with other people. I mean, some people expect you to do a lot of things hey, can you help me with this, Can you help me with that? Or I have this event, I have that and I overpack, you know, and I over stuff my schedule, but those things don't leave me any time to take care of the things I need to take care of, which is me, you know me and my family, Right? And so setting boundaries is super important.

Speaker 4 15:42

Yeah, I think, regardless of the setting you know personal, professional that willingness to say no whenever it's, it's not a problem that only you can uniquely solve. There's lots of things that other people are just as well suited and can do just as good a job as you can, and so being willing to say no is kind of one in acknowledgement of humility. You're not indispensable, you are not needed for every single thing and it protects you for the things that maybe you are a little bit more indispensable for. Now, my, my role within my family unit is much harder for anyone else to replicate than my role up at work. There's lots of supervisors, lots of people that can help with a lot of different situations. My wife only has one husband, my kids only have one dad, so that that's not a. Those aren't tasks that can be delegated to others.

Speaker 5 16:26

So my willingness to say no in those other settings helps me maintain my energy and kind of keep those priorities for for that setting I think one thing for me that I've had to learn about setting boundaries and saying no because that's very difficult for me still, even though I know I can easily overextend myself by not saying no I think have learned that I don't have to give an answer right now, in this moment, and that has given me a little bit more freedom to say no is if I allow myself the time to step back and say what do you need? What can you do? Can it be done another way? Sometimes helps me, so I think that has helped me. Not necessarily learning to say no, but if I give myself some time and space to think about it before I give a yes or a no, then a lot of times I can come up with a better answer.

Speaker 2 17:16

How can parents overcome feelings of guilt when taking time for themselves or setting boundaries?

Speaker 5 17:21

I think you just have to tell yourself that by taking care of yourself, you're doing the best thing for the people around you, the people you love and care about, your family, your coworkers, the people that you're in charge of. If you're not taking care of yourself, that's just going to filter into all those other units, and so I think you just have to be able to tell yourself this is what's important for everybody, not just for me.

Speaker 4 17:46

Yeah, it's all the story that we tell ourselves around the situation. Is the story that I'm letting everyone down and I'm selfish, or is the story that if I do this this time for me, make these choices, then I show up better for everyone else? And if you can reframe that story, is this is how I show up best for everyone else, then there's nothing selfish about making the choices to take care of yourself.

Speaker 3 18:07

I also think that, just being honest, if it's about people asking you for your time, I think let's be honest with them about what's going on. Like, hey, I just can't you know, because it's part of the guilt too is sometimes we have to, or some people feel like they might have to tell a lie, I'm busy or whatever it is when really I just want to sit at home tonight and do nothing. Hey, let's just be honest. Hey, right now I can't do that. That makes you feel less guilty about compounding your problem, right? So, because it is hard to say no, let's acknowledge that. I mean, it's hard.

Speaker 3 18:35

I want to help people, but sometimes I just got to help me and my wife, and sometimes she needs my time. And you know, I had my grandkids living with me for a while and they took an immense amount of effort. I didn't have a lot of things I wanted to do with all the things I had to do to help take care of these two little boys. And so we have to. Because you said it, cohen, you said it well. I think too is that if I overextend, I'm no good to anybody and I can also become resentful. And hey, I don't want to. You know I feel too guilty, so then I avoid or pull out of things, and you know it can mess up your social circle. It could, you know, really, really harm us more. So sometimes it's just better just to say hey, not right now I can't, but I'll be happy to help if you ask next time.

Speaker 4 19:15

Yeah, I had a kind of random work request come the other day and I really just kind of responded with hey, I can help under these parameters. This time frame Is with hey, I can help under these parameters this timeframe. Is that still helpful? And kind of finding out if what I can offer is still helpful, I'm glad to do it. But if those parameters aren't helpful anymore, then that's fine. That's a great time to go find someone else.

Speaker 5 19:34

I think something that I've tried to start doing with my family or friends, people that are close to me, is, if you know, something comes up and they choose self-care over whatever has come up. Like, our daughter right now is planning a wedding, so her time is super, super valuable and how she spends it matters right now, and so if I ask her if she wants to go do something and she says I really just need a nap, then I try to say to her I'm glad that you chose self-care over going to do this, because that also helps me remember for myself to choose self-care whenever I need to. So that's nice.

Speaker 3 20:12

Good way to put it.

Connecting With Brain Based Parenting

Speaker 2 20:12

All right. Thank you so much for joining us today, and hopefully listening to us each week is part of your self-care plan. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcasts at calfardlyorg. I'll make sure I leave a link in the description and, as always, you might have to loan out your front of lobes today.

Speaker 1 20:30

Just make sure you remember and get them back. Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.