Building Trust Through Respectful Relationships with Your Children

Teaching and showing respect to our children builds their self-worth and models healthy relationships for their future. We explore how parents can better demonstrate and teach respect.

• Building trust and respect requires time, consistency, and genuine relationship investment
• Taking children's concerns seriously, even when they seem trivial, demonstrates fundamental respect
• Parents who apologize appropriately to children build stronger relational authority rather than losing it
• Actions speak louder than words—demanding respect while behaving disrespectfully sends confusing messages
• Teaching children to set and maintain boundaries helps them develop healthy self-respect
• Supporting children when they set boundaries with others reinforces their autonomy and self-worth
• Daily respectful interactions include giving choices, listening attentively, and acknowledging emotions

If you'd like to contact us and ask a question, our email address is podcasts@calfarley.org.

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Transcript

Introduction to Brain-Based Parenting

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer Now. Here is your host. Cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.

Speaker 2 0:29

Welcome back. Today we're going to continue to talk about teaching and giving respect. To do that today, I'm again joined by Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator.

Speaker 4 0:37

Cole Smith. I work in the Transitional Living Program.

Speaker 5 0:40

Shanna Morgan Campus Life Supervisor.

Speaker 2 0:42

All right, let's jump into our question of the day. Can you tell me about a time when you were a kid that an adult totally disrespected you, and you still carry that with you today.

Speaker 5 0:50

I can and, honestly, I should probably be over it by now. This one came to me way too easily. I was in fourth grade and it was my teacher, and I will not call her by name. I have an older brother. He was five. He's five years older than me.

Speaker 5 1:06

He was like your typical hard student and so he got in trouble a lot of school and he was just known as like let's be honest, the kids you probably didn't want in your class. And so I remember walking into her class and she said, oh, it's one of you. And I just like looked at her because I very much tried to do the right thing that. I very much remember her saying you're, you're going to make my like, you're going to make my classroom difficult because you're going to be just like your brother.

Speaker 5 1:34

And I remember I went to a little school in Stinnett and the elementary and the high school were connected by a hallway and I distinctly remember going back down to her classroom when I was in high school because I still carried it with me, and I said like, hey, remember when you thought that I was going to be a difficult student. I would just like to say that I have made it this far, without getting in all of the trouble or kicked out like my brother and I think she just laughed it off but it is still something that I very distinctly like. I remember her tone, I remember her face, I remember where we were standing. I think I will carry that forever.

Speaker 3 2:05

Mine is also a teacher. In first grade I had a really hard teacher and my parents had to meet with her a lot. I don't know why. I was just struggling and she, while meeting with my teacher, my parents came up to the school and she said in front of my parents that I was not smart and wouldn't amount to anything, and it killed my parents and, for some reason, my parents. I didn't know that. I found out later, when I got older, that my parents went up there every week and had to meet with them, but the principal wouldn't move me out of her class and so my parents just set weekly meetings, which is wild because they were both busy and managers that they could manage that. But I eventually I switched schools my fifth grade year.

Speaker 3 2:38

She was my first grade, but I always felt like I wasn't good at school after that, like I firmly believed, like I was never good at school after because she had kind of instilled that in me.

Speaker 3 2:46

And then in fifth grade I moved schools and I got this president's award and I remember I felt like, oh my gosh, I'm smart, like I can do this right and I.

Speaker 3 2:54

But my dad was so mad. I found this out later too, because they didn't really tell me any of that. They didn't want me to think that they didn't respect the teacher, which I think was good in a way, like I didn't ever feel like they were. I didn't feel like they agreed with her, but I also didn't feel like they like told me that to just get it. They wanted me to persevere through it, which I think was really cool in a lot of ways. But they wrote her a letter and told her that I amounted to more than she ever knew and then put a copy of the letter that the award that I had gotten, and so my dad was so mad it stuck with him like that. When I graduated high school and college he wrote her a letter again and wanted her to, because I graduated with honors from college and he very much wanted her to know that she was completely wrong about his daughter well.

Speaker 4 3:32

The example that came to my mind is someone who I've never talked to again since, but I also didn't really know them that well or at all. I was like 16 or 17 and returning a Christmas present because I'd gotten two copies of a video game from two different people, and so I went into the store and there was no one there. So I walked over to the customer service desk and they walked up and said hold on a second and came back and two employees kind of stood on either side of me and basically accused me of having shoplifted that item off the floor and trying to get a refund.

Speaker 4 4:03

And I'm, like a rule following 17 year old who is now terrified and has like never broken rules and doesn't know what to do. So I just like say I didn't. You can check the cameras. They're like well, they show you walking in empty handed and I'm like I don't know what, what to say, and they basically just made me leave the store and and when I told my dad about it, he I mean I think he wanted to burn the store down Maybe the maddest I've ever seen him.

Speaker 3 4:28

Did you get the money back or no?

Speaker 4 4:30

So he, me and my dad went back up to the store yeah, Because I wasn't talking to those people anymore and he confronted them. They kind of apologized but also said that they, since we didn't have the receipt, they could only give us store credit. And he's like, no, there's no way we're spending money at this store. And eventually got them to just give us the item back and then we returned it at a different store. But it was, yeah, it was terrifying for me. That is rough.

Speaker 2 4:55

All right, so going to continue talking about respect. How does relationship building factor into respect? I?

Speaker 3 5:01

feel like trust and respect go hand in hand, right. So I think that trust is gained and respect over a matter of time, right. And so I think, as you're building a relationship and you continue to gain respect and trust for each other, you see it kind of go up and it can ebb and flow, right. I think we're all natural, we are human, and so I think at times we're going to lose respect for someone. Maybe they had a bad day, or maybe they said the wrong thing, and so then you're like oh, today wasn't a great day with that respect and so. But I think the closer that you are to that person, the more you kind of can bounce back, right, because I think that we're all human and going to have bad moments. But overall, it's the way that they treat people and make you feel about yourself too.

Speaker 5 5:37

And I think that the relationship piece can foster the respect right. So like if you're spending time and pouring into this relationship, it's kind of fostering that like trust, that you're building that empathy, that you're building the understanding that you have, for you know that person because you've spent time pouring into that.

Speaker 2 5:57

What role does being taken seriously play into respect?

Speaker 3 5:59

You know, I think it's the most important thing you can do for anybody, right? I think, being taken seriously, even when it's something small or dumb to you or like you don't think it's a big deal, but knowing that someone is going to listen to me and hear me through and not laugh at me or judge me, it makes me feel respected or valued, right. And I think it's the same for our kids. I was joking earlier. My daughter like freaks out if her Nutri-Grain bar breaks and I'm like that's not a big deal, like there's more, but I'm trying to take you seriously and trying to help you fix the problem Right. Same with sometimes our staff bring us an issue, or our kids, and it's not that big of a deal to us if your shirt ripped, or, but maybe that shirt was their favorite shirt, you know. So taking them seriously does mean the world and think about it. When we're upset, we're not rational and so we do need to be taken seriously.

Speaker 4 6:43

Well, and everyone's perspective is the only place they can view things from. And so whatever someone's problem is, that's their problem, even if to you it's not as big as someone else's problem or your own problems. But they can't. They can't feel someone else's problems, they can just feel their own right now. And so taking their problems seriously, I think there was a comedian I don't remember who, so I'm not trying to steal anyone's joke and he was talking about, you know, a parent dismissing a kid because their balloon floated away. It's like no, no to the kid, that's their wallet. If your wallet just floated away when you let go of it, you would be losing it also, and so just understanding where someone's perspective is on their problems, I think can shift a lot, and taking it seriously helps build that respect.

Speaker 5 7:22

Yeah, I think as an adult, I've had to work on this one a lot in like my professional life, like, right, even in our jobs, because there are times that we'll use Josh as the training.

Speaker 5 7:31

Right, like we'll get an email for a training that needs to be done and I'm like, hey, that's like the 10th thing on my, the 10th most important thing on my list right now that I have to go and handle.

Speaker 5 7:41

But right, like, you're required to make sure we're caught up on all of our stuff and those are licensing standards and those are, and so that's very important that it takes a lot of time and effort to schedule those and get them sent out. And it's happened a few different things. Like there'll be something from the school and I'm like, okay, like I can come up there, but that's like the ninth thing on my list that I need to get to today, because, in looking at the things that I need to handle, right, I'm putting all of my stuff that I think is higher up, but then having to realize like, hey, no, the thing that they're saying is like the top of their list, and so trying to like organize those and figure out how to get all of them handled in good timing, or whatever, because that is in that department, that is what is most important. Whatever, because that is in that department, that is what is most important.

Speaker 2 8:25

What role does a parent, caregiver or teacher's own self-respect play into a kid respecting them?

Speaker 3 8:39

Ouch, this one hurts a little bit, I think, because I am more amped to forgive anyone, or my kids or staff kids I work with, than I am myself If I forget something or I like. I just my self-respect for myself is very difficult, but I think what they watch is how I treat myself, or how I believe about myself, is how they will too, right, same with the kids we work with at ranch, and so I think it's a huge role because, you know, if we don't teach them to forgive themselves when they mess up, then they're going to have a hard time from there. That one hurts a little.

Speaker 5 9:03

But in a positive aspect. Chloe, I think you do really well in this, Not even just like the self-respect of making the right choices, right, but I laugh at it sometimes because her son will refer to like his sweatpants as loungewear and I feel like that's an example of the self-respect, right, Like you feel good, you look good, you feel good and so like I mean he's seven, six, and has explained it before of like no, these are my lounge pants, I wear these ones when we're inside and I wear my jeans when we go outside, and so like I feel like that is something like that's an example of that too, though.

Speaker 5 9:37

Right, Like you teach your kids to dress up and look nice going places because that is a sign of self-respect. Yeah, exactly yeah.

Speaker 4 9:44

I also think like your own level of self-respect might kind of anchor some of those conversations you're having with them.

Speaker 4 9:50

So if they're being disrespectful and it's not phasing you too much because your level of respect for yourself is not dependent on their mood that day, their reactions that day, their feelings towards you, and you're not giving them a reaction that can kind of drain the fun out of being disrespectful, and then you also might be more willing to have the confrontation and say, hey, it sounds like what you're saying is trying to be mean or disrespectful, and so, instead of getting counteraggressive, you're remaining calm, able to still have clear, respectful, kind communication, and so I think all of those help facilitate that growing respect.

Speaker 2 10:21

What are some mistakes parents make that unintentionally erode their child's respect for them?

Speaker 3 10:25

I think losing like control or losing temper, is a big one for my kids. If, when they have seen us do that, I think, then they've. My kids have lost respect for us in those moments and I don't think it's intentional, right Like I had a bad day or I had something going on. Some of this, too, has been even missing things. I've tried really hard not to, but there's still been moments that I forgot something of theirs and that was a respect thing for them, right? Like if I forgot something in their lunch or I forgot to go to something. I recently had a meeting and missed, like this small thing at my daughter's school that I did not think would be a big deal, and she has literally told me every day about how big of a deal it was that I missed this track-a-thon and I feel bad about it but it's the only thing I missed the whole year and so for her I think it was a respect thing and I didn't think it was that big of a deal, so it was unintentional.

Speaker 5 11:11

And I think knowing what the kids are into at the time, because I think it's going to change right, like as my child grows up, things that she finds disrespectful or whatever changes.

Speaker 5 11:21

Currently, cole's youngest Olivia is her best friend right, and they draw pictures for each other every day. I never get any drawing that Kinsley has ever drawn at school, but she gets pictures from her friend every day and I don't keep them all I do. Now actually that has changed because I keep some of it right, like she has this little big binder thing and I like keep important stuff or cute stuff or and, but some of the pictures I had thrown in the trash and she went and thrown something away and she got them out and she came in there and she said Mom, I found these in the trash. Was that an accident?

Speaker 4 11:53

And I said yeah, it was, I'm.

Speaker 5 11:57

I'm so sorry that that happened, but honestly, that's happened more than once, right, I think the first time I probably said, hey, like we can't keep all of that, like we have too much, and that was the biggest deal for her at the moment because she needs all of that. And so I think a simple example but I think she probably lost some respect or got upset. Maybe not respect, I don't know that she would know that definition, but it was something that she cared deeply about, that I was showing I didn't care about and that meant a lot to her.

Speaker 4 12:23

Similarly I don't remember which daughter it was, but pulled a paper out of the trash and instead said to us did you not think it was beautiful? And that was rough, with their tears in their eyes. The thing that came to my mind when you asked this question at first I thought hypocrisy, you, you know, when we say one thing and then do another. But then I said it's really the thing that gets them is lack of accountability, because I, my kids, don't mind as much if I make a mistake, if I own it or apologize or come back and acknowledge it. When I lose my cool or forget to do something. I told them I do and I apologize and try to work on it. They seem to be totally fine. But but I think they do struggle whenever adults just act like our mistakes are fine and big kids' mistakes. Those are the things that need to be fixed.

Speaker 4 13:05

And as they get older and teenagers that we work with I think can really see all the adults aren't that good at hiding our mistakes, let's be honest. And so they become really obvious. They can tell when you forgot something or didn't take care of things. And they can tell when you forgot something or didn't take care of things, and if your response is just well, I'm an adult, I've got lots of stuff to take care of, it's no big deal. I think that's what causes the loss of respect as opposed to. You're right, that was important and I should have taken care of it. I'll try to do better next time. You can make mistakes when there's some accountability behind it, that's good.

Speaker 2 13:33

So what message do kids receive when? When a parent demands respect but then speaks or acts disrespectfully towards their kids or other people?

Speaker 3 13:40

I mean, I think they're confused and unsure of what respect looks like at that point, because it's easy to do right. I mean, I think about this all the time. Obviously, my son needs more direction sometimes than my daughter and a lot more redo sometimes, and so I think about how many times he's redirected every day and I think about trying to reframe it, because I think when I'm speaking to him, I need to be aware of it, and I think it's difficult when people are disrespectful towards them, but it's confusing. It's confusing for us even as adults. When people are disrespectful, we're like where did that come from?

Speaker 5 14:13

I mean, and I think about the phrase right Like your actions speak louder than your words and so, honestly, I'm losing credibility because if I'm telling kids what to do but then not doing it right Like my word doesn't mean a lot anymore. And I think I've had those hard conversations with, honestly, our kids, sometimes our residents of hey, we've had this conversation like five times now. So I hear what you were trying to say. Right, you want to do the right thing, you feel poorly about this or whatever, but honestly, our words aren't matching our actions and so we're going to have to put some work behind it. They're not matching, so your word, your word, doesn't mean a whole lot right now.

Speaker 3 14:52

I think it's also important talking about that. It's also your community, right? So, like my kids also don't just watch me, they watch who I'm close to. So if the people I'm close to aren't kind to others, then they're also getting that message too. And we've talked about this in a podcast before. Suzanne did really well at saying, like, I gave my kids a mentor and that was who really poured into, because it was somebody who wasn't their parent, right? And so I think it's important to realize like they're going to start, as they get older, looking to other people for what respect looks like, and so it is really important who you put them around I think our kids also see a lot of the world through, like who has the power, who has the control in?

Speaker 4 15:26

the situation, and so, for kids, a lot of times it's the parent or the adult around them, and if the parent or the adult demands respect but doesn't have to show it, then that means you either have power or get power whenever you're disrespectful to others, but make them be respectful to you. And so I think there's a lot of teenagers, young adult, older adults, all of us who exert our power by being disrespectful to others, but still expecting them to be respectful to us, and so I think that's that can be the message that comes out of it.

Speaker 3 16:11

How can parents apologize to their kids when they've been disrespectful without losing a feeling of authority? Important thing and that's one thing I've talked about that before that me and my husband try to cue, I'm like, hey, I think you got to go make that right. Maybe you can't do that for another 10 minutes, but you got to figure out how to go tell your son that that wasn't right. Or your daughter, because they and he grew up in a household that never apologized and still, to this day, don't apologize to him. And so I think it's important that you know you want your child have to apologize for the wrong.

Speaker 4 16:36

Also depends on what kind of authority you're trying to have. If you want to have the authority where they just don't ever want you to find out what they've done and don't want you to know when they're breaking the rules or not listening, then never apologizing might work.

Speaker 4 16:48

But then I also think there's like relational authority, you know listening to people because you care about them and because, you have a good relationship with them and not a lot of things build can repair relationships or grow relationships more than coming and saying I was wrong and that, apology for that. And so I think you can build quite a bit of kind of relational authority by apologizing.

Speaker 5 17:06

I said it recently in one of our trainings one thing that I I love apologizing to our kids, Like it is one of my favorite things to do. Not that I like being wrong, because that's actually really hard for me, but it was one of my. See, I think I'm going on my eighth year.

Speaker 5 17:22

But, it was one of my like first years here and I had to go apologize to a kid and he just like, looked at me the most confused and he was like, but you're the adult. And it like that moment stuck. I mean, it has stuck with me this entire time because they're not used like being apologized to and so it's always shocking to them. And so I like it when I get to go back and apologize and have that conversation of hey, adults mess up too and we have to make things right too and we have to be willing to have hard conversations and own up to some of that.

Speaker 5 17:53

And I think, the same as Chloe, I don't feel like I worry about losing the authority. Honestly, I feel like it helps you gain it. Yeah, because then there's that level of respect. I think some of the kids that I've been in the worst of it with are some of the ones that I have the best relationships with, because we've had to have really hard conversations and really uncomfortable conversations and they've had to apologize and I've had to apologize. But I think that's what builds the relationship piece up even more.

Speaker 3 18:20

I think that's what's really cool is when I think about my strongest relationships kids or staff or my closest friends. It's the people that I can have honest conversations with and have apology or say, hey, we're not okay. What's really going on right, like sitting down and having and not being afraid. I think those are the friendships I'm closest to, because I'm not afraid to get down to the bottom of it. But I think what I've also realized it wasn't that long ago, it was probably a month ago my son had a real bad day and I got counteraggressive back right. So I'm like raise my voice, but then at the end we're like both crying and talking through it and I apologize for raising my voice. And then he says mom, today was a really hard day.

Speaker 3 18:55

I got a think sheet. And he had never gotten a think sheet and for those who don't know what a think sheet is because I did not either it's where he has to. Actually, he made a mistake and he has to write about what and think about what he did wrong and so. But that broke his heart because he's kind of like me and doesn't like to get in trouble and so and I had to you know, it wasn't until then, and him that he actually told me what was going on, and maybe not to stay on this one too long, but one that I've tried to mimic and teach my child in apologizing is you don't have to say it's okay, right.

Speaker 5 19:27

So when I apologize, she used it against me yesterday when we had a rough night last night and I had to go back and apologize to my five-year-old and she it sounded like me, like I. I felt it coming as soon as I said it and she said mom, thank you for apologizing. What you said wasn't okay, though. That's one of the ones that hit you hard because she's not wrong and it's what I've told her. It's what I tell her when she has to apologize you know, to friends or family really cousins is you can't apologize. It doesn't make the action of what you're apologizing for right, right, like it doesn't take away that hurt. And so thank you for apologizing, but doesn't mean it's okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 20:05

What are some simple ways parents can show daily respect to their kids, even in discipline and correction.

Speaker 3 20:11

You know. So I'm going to, like my, it's my kid. I'm trying to think what I do with my kids each day, and so they have to get themselves dressed. We lay their clothes out the night before. But I'm always like, hey, you don't get to, you don't get to watch any TV or watch any of your sight words or anything until you're dressed. And so that's kind of my discipline with them, like I want to respect you, I'm showing you these are what I know you want TV, but this is what you have to do in order to get that. And that's hard sometimes because we're automatically starting a temper tantrum right off the bat and I'm like, okay, but that's simple, I need you to do it and then we can move forward. And so it's me trying to set the expectation each day, because I think accountability is a huge one, that they need to know what to expect but also need to be held accountable.

Speaker 4 20:49

I also think the way you show you're paying attention whenever they're talking to you. A lot of us are busy and our jobs may or may not end even though we're home, and so we're getting phone calls or text messages or emails and so kind of separating out when I'm listening to my kids versus when I'm having to do something for work, and so sometimes I'll be on my phone and having to do something for work when they start talking to me. Try to be more intentional about saying, hey, I have to finish this email or this message real quick and then I can put my phone down and pay attention and then make, okay, I'm done my phone's down, now I'm looking at you and kind of refocusing attention so that they know now I'm listening, now I'm paying attention.

Speaker 5 21:25

And I think in the so like in times of discipline and correction, still finding a way to find something that maybe you can agree with them in, right.

Speaker 5 21:33

So, whatever they're upset about, or like acknowledging that like, yes, I understand that you responded this way because this happened and it made you feel this emotion, and then they responded inappropriately, or something similar like that, right, and so you're having to discipline and correct them, but allowing, like, being able to say, hey, that makes sense, it makes sense why you got upset about that, it makes sense that you were angry. And so letting them know, like that that's not bad, right, like the getting angry isn't bad, the getting mad isn't bad, like you're allowed to have those feelings, how we respond, is what we need to work on. But that way, like I don't, I don't ever want my daughter to think because she has big emotions, she's not allowed to have big emotions, right, or get upset or feel her feelings in the way she feels them. But we need to work on the way that, like our, what our response to that is.

Speaker 3 22:24

And redos would be a good one. Here too, I would say so a lot of times. If my daughter's real bad about it, she'll have a certain tone in the way. She asked me for something. I'm like can we try that again? And then she rephrases it kindly, and so that is something like I'm paying attention, but I still have to give you a reader. I've got to give you a correction on that because you didn't ask me nicely, and so that's a pretty common one in our house too.

Speaker 2 22:45

How does teaching kids self-respect tie into how kids respect themselves and treat others?

] Teaching Kids Boundaries and Self-Respect

Speaker 5 22:54

So answering this question to not sound super silly, but the example that I am coming up with is of my five-year-old and then one of my best friend's cats, and so I wasn't there. My daughter was spending time at her house and she has this cat right, and this cat doesn't like anyone. No, it's a mean cat. I think it's a mean cat. She loves her cat. Listen, I love her cat. Her cat does not love me, but so it comes out right, and so Kinsley's there and the cat comes and it's like walking around and kind of like getting a feel for who is this stranger in my house? And then so it gets kind of close to her and it, you know, does what cat.

Speaker 5 23:29

I'm not a cat person, so other people can know the language but like where it like pops its back up and like kind of hisses, right, and it like kind of hissed at Kinsley and I guess she like jumped back because she was scared. And then Taylor, my friend, said she's a caseworker here and she said that Kinsley kind of like took a deep breath and she said Nene, it's okay, the cat wasn't trying to hurt me, it's not mad, it was just scared because it doesn't know who I am yet, and so I scared it. But I think that that is well, yes, maybe a silly example, right, like she had the awareness to know that the cat wasn't trying to hurt me. Right, like I didn't do anything to hurt it, so it wasn't responding that way. But I'm a stranger and it was scared of me, and so I'm going to give it its space and I'm going to allow it to go back off and whatever. But that's what I think of when I read that, when I hear that one.

Speaker 3 24:21

I volunteer at church in the kids and it's in my kids' class. So they have my daughter and my son in the same. Because my daughter acts so big, they put her in the pre-K class because they said she was bored in her three class. But we have a special needs kid who has a tendency to lick some of the like fruit or like the play food, and I've just kind of watched like some of the kids kind of freak out about it and will ask questions. But both of my kids have never really said much and at one point my son came and said you know, that's real different and I'm like it is different, but you know, not everybody is like you and everybody's different. And then that was the only time he ever asked me about it and we talked through it more than just that. But I think it is showing them how much curiosity they can give to others or respect they can give to others and treat others in moments when we're not around or even when we are around.

Speaker 2 25:04

So how can parents teach kids to set respectful boundaries with their friends and adults?

Speaker 3 25:09

So what comes to mind on this one for me is, you know, previously I worked at a children's advocacy center and so I am real big about not making my kids give physical touch. And my husband's a little different than that, right Like I think he has, you know, different experiences than me, and so early on we went to Oklahoma because he's an Okie and he tried to force my son to hug his dad and I was like, hey, he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to, and so that is a respectful boundary that I, if my kids say they don't want to hug because my son's not really a hugger and really never has been, and so if he gives you a hug, that means that he cares a lot about you, and so I allow them to kind of give whatever boundary they want on that. I also always ask my kids can I give you a hug, can I give you a kiss? I don't just force that on them, even though they're my own kids. That's a boundary for me, that I want to be respectful to them and that's a physical boundary, same with their feelings.

Speaker 3 25:57

Like, how do you feel about simple things? Like Leighton had to take a 3D object? I'm like, how do you feel about this object or this object? I gave him choices and gave him what he would want to do for show and tell. It might not be what I want him to pick, but I'm trying to allow him to have some of those choices.

Speaker 4 26:13

Well, I've heard some other examples from y'all over as we've been recording and talking here but teaching your daughter how to accept and make apologies really the idea of how to accept one respectfully and respecting themselves, I think is a really great one. You know, the idea of thank you for apologizing and acknowledging that doesn't mean everything is OK, that doesn't mean what you did was all right. She still has that boundary that respects herself and says that's a line that you crossed, but I appreciate your apology. And then, Chloe, you talked about noticing differences between people, and that applies to differences in yourself. You're going to be different. There's going to be things about you that are different from your friends, and you having differences are okay. In fact, there's going to be situations where y'all having differences means that the situation's now better because y'all bring different strengths or different experiences to it, and so I think those are two really good ways of teaching them to have boundaries and respect for and how they interact with the people around them.

Speaker 3 27:04

You know now that you're saying that, I how they interact with the people around them. You know now that you're saying that, I don't know if y'all, I'm curious if you have this any age, but we have this like learning that not just like my son has a best friend at school and he really thinks that should be his friend and he shouldn't have any other friends. And so we constantly have this conversation about he's allowed to have other friends and it's cool to have, can only be his friend if he hangs out with someone else that hurts his feelings. And then I always use my friends as an example. I'm like, well, I hang out with, I hang out with Shanna and I hang out with Taylor and I hang out and we all have different friends and Megan, and so they're like, oh okay, I guess that's true, but I think they are still learning how to do that and set boundaries with friends and know that it's okay to have multiple people in their life.

Speaker 5 27:46

And I think backing them up on this one is a big one, right, like allowing them to set that boundary. And then, let's be honest, boundaries are hard for people and so, like, whoever they're setting that boundary with may try and push it or balk at it and say, hey, like that's silly. So I am very similar with the physical aspect, right, like I don't make my child give hugs when we leave, and she's actually a very affectionate person. So if she is not in the mood, though, and she doesn't want to give you a hug, I'm like do you want to give them a high five? Do you want to wave? Do you want to say bye?

Speaker 5 28:15

And that is really hard sometimes, especially with like for like grandparents, for example, right, who mean very well by it. They just want to hug, it's it, they just want to hug. It's very friendly, right, they're very loving, care deeply about her. But if she doesn't want it at the time, backing her up in that and saying, hey, she said she doesn't want to hug, that's okay, she'll give you a high five, or maybe next time that we're here. But I think her right, because if you have their grand, we'll just use a grandparent, for example, if you have their, their grandparent is there and they say like no, I don't really want to hug, and grandpa's like just come and give me a hug, like I'm your grandpa, right.

Speaker 5 28:49

Like to her, she loves him and adores him. And so it's like well, fine, okay. Like I'll give you a hug, but being able to support her in that of no, like it's okay, like you don't want to hug today, we don't have to have a hug today. And I think that that like almost the admiration that comes from that of wow, like thank you, and even if she can't say it in the moment because she doesn't understand it, but like her being able to see I set this boundary and my mom is going to back me up on it. Right, like I have someone in my corner. If it's too hard for me to keep saying no, she's going to say no for me until I'm able to gain those skills and do that myself.

] Closing and Contact Information

Speaker 3 29:30

I think too, it looks like it starts to kind of flip on you. So I think you know you've helped teach them respectful boundaries when they can start telling you them themselves. So my son, when I drop him off, I always for a while I was trying to blow him a kiss goodbye and he was like mom, you don't need to do that anymore. Like right, he's like no-transcript. I used to always take him to the bathroom and that's a big deal to me. And now he's like I have to go to the bathroom, mom, I can go by myself, I'm fine. And so I think it's then when they start articulating that they can do the boundary now.

Speaker 2 30:06

All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question or our email address is podcasts at calfarleyorg I'll make sure and leave a link in the description. As always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

Adults Who Disrespected Us as Children

Speaker 1 30:20

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.