Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Brain Builders: The Leadership Model
Cal Farley's Staff Development team introduces their Model of Leadership and Service, a framework focusing on six universal needs that everyone requires: safety, belonging, achievement, power, purpose, and adventure.
• Six basic human needs form the foundation for Cal Farley's approach to helping troubled youth
• Unconditional and restorative relationships are key to meeting children's needs
• Being curious about what motivates behavior helps avoid taking actions personally
• Behavior is viewed as communication about unmet needs rather than problems to punish
• The model provides a guide for decision-making when working with children
• Parents must also ensure their own needs are met to effectively care for their children
• The approach works with adults as well as children in all types of relationships
We'd love to have you join us next week as we dive deep into safety, the foundational element of our model. Until then, remember you may have to loan out your frontal lobes today—just make sure to get them back!
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, cal Farley's Staff Development Coordinator, joshua Sprott.
Speaker 2:Welcome back everyone and thank you for joining us today as we continue our journey talking about brain-based parenting. Today, we're going to introduce Cal Farley's Model of Leadership and Service. To do that, I'm joined by Michelle Michter. Hello, suzanne Wright, good morning, and Mike Wilhelm Howdy All right. So each week we start out our discussion by asking the panel our question of the day, and today, since we're talking about our Model of Leadership and Service, and that led me to models, my question for you is if Hollywood was to make a movie about your life, what actor or actress would play you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, go ahead, Suzanne, Suzanne want to start.
Speaker 5:Well, I think that I would choose Dame Maggie Smith, who played the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey, was also Professor McGonagall in Harry Potter, but I like her wit. She's a little snarky, she's quick-witted, and I think she would be the perfect person to play me, I think I'd have to say Jada Pinkett Smith.
Speaker 3:I appreciate her powerfulness, her wit also, and her grace and style.
Speaker 5:You know, we're just imagining who would play us Michelle, but Chaplain Wilhelm has actually already been portrayed in a movie.
Speaker 4:That's true. Well, I was just going to say I think I would choose Richard T Jones. He was known as the captain of the helicopter that crashed in Godzilla and he was in. Let's see what else was he in Life's Journey. Hear no Evil, atlas Shrugged 2. I think he's just my favorite actor and I think he would be the one I would.
Speaker 2:Wait a minute.
Speaker 4:I think he already has.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes he did.
Speaker 4:Okay, yeah, I forgot about that, richard T Jones.
Speaker 5:What was the name of that movie?
Speaker 4:Edge of the World.
Speaker 5:About Cal Farley's.
Speaker 4:Boy Ranch. About Cal Farley's Boy Ranch.
Speaker 5:I do remember that when he was chosen to play you, we all agreed that he was a much younger, better looking version of you, Chaplain Wilhelm.
Speaker 4:Ouch, you're probably right.
Speaker 5:Josh, who's going to play you? Yeah, who's going to play you?
Speaker 2:Oh, well, of course it'd be Jason Statham. Oh, because you know I have the muscles and everything.
Speaker 5:There's such physical similarities? Yes, there is.
Speaker 2:And the British accent.
Speaker 3:And the bald head. The bald head If we're being honest, it's the bald head right, all right.
Speaker 2:So today we're going to give you an overview of the model of leadership, of service. So give me an overview of what the model of leadership and service is and why it is so important.
Speaker 3:So our model of leadership and service is named that because it applies to everyone the families we work with ourselves, our team members. Because it applies to everyone the families we work with ourselves, our team members. We believe that there are six basic needs that everyone has safety, belonging, achievement, power, purpose and adventure. And we believe that when these needs are met, everyone can meet their fullest potential.
Speaker 2:All right, can you guys give me a quick overview of maybe how each of those impact working with kids?
Speaker 3:I think what we always start with, or try to start with, is instilling a sense of safety, and that's for everybody. It is for the kids, but for our staff and our families as well. And belonging is another big piece of feeling welcome and invited. And then achievement we have a lot of opportunities for kids to try on new things out here. So we were just talking about this morning that, even if kids have never had the chance to participate in adventure activities like we just did a Spartan race or rodeo activities that they have new things they can try out here as part of their achievement. And then we'll talk a little bit about power being able to have self-control and respond the way you want to, instead of continually emotionally reacting to things. Purpose is something we talk about looking at something larger than yourself. And then adventure is another piece of achievement, and adventure go together is all the different things that we offer as a way of learning about yourself and trying to learn new skills.
Speaker 2:One thing we often talk about in regards to our model of leadership is that relationships are unconditional and restorative are key to meeting these needs. Can you talk to our audience about what that means?
Speaker 3:So a big part of feeling safe and belonging is the relationships that you're involved in, and when we talk about unconditional, it means that, regardless of your ability to follow the rules or to respond in a way that I want you to respond, that we realize that you have worth and we care about you. And then I think of restorative as being something that can be restored, regardless of mistakes that are made or missteps that are taken, that we will allow the opportunity to restore the relationship regardless of anything that ruptures that.
Speaker 4:Josh. I'd add to that from a Christian chaplain perspective, once again, this whole thing of being a model, leadership and service and brain-in, it's not a take it or leave it, but it's a take it or blow it, and those I know. Some of the listeners might be non-religious and I think what we're talking about obviously these are universal human principles. There might be a lot of listeners that, like myself, that are Christian listeners and trying to help people from that perspective, that are Christian listeners and trying to help people from that perspective, and those that might be wondering is this really does this jive with my Christian faith? I'll tell you my journey with this and learning is it absolutely does and it honors the way God's made us.
Speaker 4:And if you were to consider what restorative relationships are like, unconditional and restorative, that's the whole story of our Old Testament. And if you make sure that you take a step back to see what the whole story is about, you know Hosea 11.1 says when Israel was a child, I loved him and out of Egypt I called my son and then watch how God deals with Israel. Called my son and then watch how God deals with Israel, and it is not punitive but it is restorative, and even the discipline involved. It all leads to restoration and hope in life, and so that's the pattern of what we do.
Speaker 5:In the first podcast, michelle mentioned being curious. Podcast Michelle mentioned being curious and when we are curious about what motivates behavior, it helps us not to take it personally right. So when a child misbehaves or acts out or says something hateful or hurtful and we take it at face value, it's easy to want to put limits on our relationship or to even walk away from that relationship. But when we're curious about what motivated the child to speak or behave in that way, it's easier for us to provide an unconditional and restorative relationship when we understand what the goal of behavior is.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then that goes back to safety again, because we can't be curious if we don't feel safe, and so whenever we're not, you know, able to be in that open and curious space is when we're feeling unsafe for ourselves, and so it ties right back to that. And actually, when Chaplain Wilhelm was talking about restoration, it actually made me think of it differently than I ever have before. Just about relationships are meant to be restorative and that create wellness and joy. Right, and sometimes we forget that that's a piece of it too is actually enjoyment and wellness brought through the relationship.
Speaker 4:Nice fruit of this is to have a relationship that's restorative and not punitive, and following principles of this model, leadership and service that Michelle outlined so well. What you end up with is you're dealing with a kid that you can trust with your car keys, rather than a kid that is going to learn to perform to please but actually be sneaky, and you really don't have real trust, and so what I appreciate about the model is it leads to real trusting relationships and character formation.
Speaker 2:So one of the things I really appreciate about the model of leadership and service is it acts as kind of a guide or a lens on how I make decisions in working with kids. So how, for you all, does the model of leadership and service influence your decision-making when determining how to work with individual kids?
Speaker 5:I think we use it as a guide to determine if a child's needs are met or not. So frequently when we look at behavior, that is an indication of an unmet need. So we start with safety. You know, in this situation does the child feel safe or is their behavior an indicator that they feel unsafe in some way and that could be unsafe physically or mentally or socially or in any other way? And so if we meet that need frequently, the behavior goes away. And so we look at it as a template to determine if a child's needs are met.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and then I think of it again. I think of it with staff too. Whenever we look at issues that staff may be having kids and staff together a lot of times looking at those things on both sides If the staff is feeling safe, if the staff is feeling like they belong and have support, and then how that it's impacting their interactions with the kids. And so I think anytime we look at any kind of issues, this is what we're filtering it through for everybody.
Speaker 5:I think, too, that as a parent, it's just as important that your needs are met and you don't have necessarily necessarily coworkers or a team who are looking at you making sure your needs are met. You are working and you're struggling to care for your children and you have all sorts of demands upon your time and obligations and some of your needs may not be met, and when that's the case, it will surely impact your ability to meet your kids' needs and to be calm and to be curious.
Speaker 4:Yep, josh, I'm going to give you a story, a personal story of, I think, kind of shows this and it shows some of how God has worked on me with this and I think I've learned a few things and still learning. But I had a team of teenage kids on a retreat and they were a mixture of boys, ranch kids and kids from off ranch and from non boys ranch kids. This group of teens were meeting together for a purpose of prayer and then preparing to go and serve some pre-adolescent kids at another camp. So it was a ministry team that we put together and one of our boys' ranch kids pulled me aside and said Sir, I hate to be a snitch but I'll just use the word Johnny, surname Johnny, but Johnny is smoking and I did notice this peculiar behavior where this kid seemed awfully nervous and was gone in and out of the room a lot and our kid, our boys ranch kid, was really alarmed about that and I immediately I did feel the reaction come on.
Speaker 4:We talked last episode about reaction versus responding and this particular boy I happen to know came from a very, very unfortunate background and my knee-jerk reaction was this is a ministry team, a ministry setting. That is not okay, that is way not okay. And I thought I'm going to communicate that clearly to Johnny and then send him home. And I caught my breath and I thought about everything that we were all about there belonging and safety and forgiveness in Jesus Christ, and that's what's being proclaimed in this group and I thought, okay, wait a minute. So the kids were all aware that this boy was smoking. It was the elephant in the living room. I'm the last guy to, to, to which is just pretty much how it usually goes.
Speaker 4:So we just had a family meeting in the room and and we just talked about it and Johnny was so relieved because he felt so ashamed that he was sneaking out and he loved our group and we decided together, asked how we could help him, and so we decided to say, Johnny, no, we can't have you smoking here on this trip, right, but we want you to stay.
Speaker 4:And that was such a powerful moment of belonging for him and there was safety in the room and what we all decided the kids were so loving and said Johnny, would you just do this every time you need a cigarette, Would you just tell us and let us pray over you? And that's what he did and that's how we rolled for the rest of the weekend and it was a. It was a beautiful trip and I know that I learned a lot through that and Johnny was a gift to me. But that was the principles of this model, leadership and service that helped inform that decision and we were all the better for it. So I would not have made that. I would have reacted years before and not have handled it the same way.
Speaker 3:I think too that just what you're talking about looking behind the behavior right and being curious about it Because, as you were saying that I was thinking I bet that was you know it's an anxiety-provoking situation, it's a stressful situation.
Speaker 3:Even though the kids want to be a participant in it, it's still stressful, you know, to them. And I was thinking about how my own daughter, whenever she's very anxious, will take that out on me, so a lot of times she's rude to me or disrespectful to me when she's anxious. And so being able to take that pause, I think is what you mentioned on another episode, but to take that breath and that pause to realize what's behind the actual behavior that's bothering you, so that you can help address that, is what's going to be helpful for everybody, instead of kind of your knee-jerk reaction was to go controlling, impunitive, which would have ended in a much uglier situation for everybody. And so I do think that's a big piece of this is looking at what needs are driving the behavior and what's underneath. You know what's the actual thing that you think is the problem is not the problem.
Speaker 4:Sure, and for those listening, I wouldn't recommend that as a cookie cutter approach to smoking problems, routines, or that we did everything right with what we did, or that will always work out that way. But it did change how we viewed the situation, how we viewed Johnny and the fact that we intended to restore him and we're trying our best to be restorative rather than punitive, and have belonging rather than banishment.
Speaker 2:All right. So the last thing I want to talk about today and you guys have kind of touched on this a bit, but how about the model leadership in service being useful in working with adults?
Speaker 3:You know, one of the things I talk about is, whenever I'm behaving badly, I hope that someone cares enough about me to come ask me what's going on with me and why are you behaving different than how you normally are? And so I think we ask that people do that with kids, but also with each other, so that when we aren't being our best self, that there's something underneath that and we need someone to bring us in closer and to be curious about what's going on with us.
Speaker 5:I think that can work in any type of relationship, right. It can work with your spouse. It can work with a coworker, with a supervisor, employee situation that you see somebody behave and you need to be curious about that and be curious through the lens of. Are their needs being met right? Be curious through the lens of are their needs being met right? So often we look at behavior and we think it is related to the context we're currently in, when it could have been triggered by something that happened before. Right, so somebody's struggling at work, but it's because there are problems at home or they bring problems from work home into their family. And so that curiosity will always be valuable to us in any relationship that we have.
Speaker 2:All right. Thank you all for joining us today on this journey, and I hope you'll come back next week when we really dive deep into the core of our model and we'll talk about safety. Until then, remember you may have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just remember to make sure and get them back.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarleyorg. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Calfarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
