Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
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To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Parent Traps- How Inconsistency Shapes A Child’s Behavior
We end our Parent Trap series by unpacking mixed style parenting—why inconsistency breeds anxiety and mistrust, and how to replace it with steady, human follow-through. We map the biggest traps and share simple, repeatable steps for alignment and repair.
If you like the show, please tell a friend or family member, especially if you want to give them some awareness that maybe they're stepping into one of these traps
Please visit calfarly.org for more information, employment, placement, or to donate to our mission
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to conclude our parent trap series by discussing mixed style traps.
SPEAKER_03:To do that today, I'm joined by Julia Ortega, Direct Care Staff Trainer. Emily Tennyson, clinical intervention specialist.
SPEAKER_01:Alright, so let's jump into our question of the day. Tell me what your most mixed-up meal you've ever eaten is or made.
SPEAKER_02:I think for me, one of the things that is kind of mixed up that I would like to snack on is to take a sweet pickle and wrap it in a slice of cheese and then wrap that in a slice of ham. That is interesting.
SPEAKER_03:That sounds delicious. Mine would be the original nacho cheese Doritos with a scoop of the canned Fritos bean dip and a hamburger pickle chip on top.
SPEAKER_01:Mine's weird, but it's surprisingly good. I like apple pie with a slice of cheddar cheese on the top of it.
SPEAKER_02:My dad did too. He loved that.
SPEAKER_01:It sounds really gross, but it's actually surprisingly good. All right. So today we're going to talk about the mixed style of parenting and the traps that kind of come along with that. So when you hear the term mixed style parenting, what comes to your mind?
SPEAKER_03:I first think inconsistency, possibly authoritarian in one circumstance while being passive in another circumstance.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think inconsistency is probably the key thing I think of as well. Just not really being one parent type.
SPEAKER_03:It could be due to stress, it could be due to burnout, even personal history, different triggers, things like that.
SPEAKER_02:Not understanding what to do in a situation, too, maybe.
SPEAKER_01:So because of all those factors, what do you think the most likely outcome of this style will have on a kid's behavior?
SPEAKER_03:Kids who are possibly confused about authority, not knowing what to expect, not knowing how to communicate their needs.
SPEAKER_02:I think too, it'll cause trust issues, maybe. If there's a lot of inconsistency, then it would be hard to trust. They might walk on eggshells.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's what came to my mind is always walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect. How might that kid's world be then if they're always walking on eggshells?
SPEAKER_03:It's like changing the roles of a board game mid-play. Frustrating, confusing, anxiety-provoking.
SPEAKER_02:I think it lends to opportunity for lots of withdrawal or even lashing out.
SPEAKER_01:So, what might be, along those lines, some other common behaviors that would stem from this style of parenting?
SPEAKER_03:Kids with an anxious attachment style, overunder functioning perfectionism, either blowing up or shutting down, kind of like opposite ends of the spectrum type.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's kind of what I thought too, that they're all over the place. That a lot of the other parenting trap styles we talked about were probably the kid has pretty predictable response to what's going on. But for these kids, they're probably gonna be, you never know what to be to expect because they don't know what to expect. And that can be really confusing for a lot of people who have to interact with that kid. Do you think?
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I agree. It could be sometimes navigating with your head, sometimes navigating with your heart, and sometimes navigating in panic.
SPEAKER_01:So, what do you think like outside people think of kids who have these different styles of parenting, like teachers and coaches and Sunday school people? What do you think their their impression of these kids are?
SPEAKER_02:Would it be too much to say they're out of control? Or maybe that they're problem children, probably non-compliant children.
SPEAKER_03:Because it probably makes those adults uncomfortable not knowing how the kids are going to respond. Yeah. Right.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think we as adults, we love predictability, and these kids are not going to be very predictable. So what do you think they're going to do because of that? How well might they relate to these kids?
SPEAKER_02:They won't maybe ignore them. I I think you could see their relationship on both ends of the spectrum as well. They maybe won't relate or they will react to them, overreact to them.
SPEAKER_01:All right. So let's start with some of the most common traps that parents fall into when it comes to the mixed parenting style, sometimes authoritarian, sometimes passive. The first one is called the whiplash trap. Children are punished harshly one moment and then completely excused the next, depending on the parent's mood or their stress level. So, how would you describe this style of parenting and what are some common behaviors that might come from this?
SPEAKER_03:This could be common when a parent hasn't learned regulation tools because they don't know how to regulate themselves, they react out of the current emotional state that they're in.
SPEAKER_02:I think too, one of the things I thought about thinking about this the whiplash trap was if my kid has done something that is against one of my cherished beliefs, I might punish harsher than if it was just some ordinary everyday thing that I needed to consequence. But if it's something that is truly a cherished belief, like thinking about my childhood, I thought about going to church. Like that was probably the worst trouble we ever got into was if we didn't go to church.
SPEAKER_01:And I think it's so hard navigate that for kids is if it's like one moment they're all angry and then all of a sudden it's just bam, they're forgiving, or or maybe it's the opposite, they're super forgiving one second, and then you know, that's okay. And then all of a sudden they have a huge blow-up because they're their emotional part. I think that really is confusing.
SPEAKER_03:You start to not know what to expect from your parents, and I think that's where some of the mistrust will begin.
SPEAKER_01:Let's talk about the guilt over correct trap. A parent comes down way too hard, but then they feel guilty and overcompensates by being extra lenient and giving gifts, things like that. How would you describe this style of parenting and what might be some common behaviors that come along with it?
SPEAKER_03:It teaches kids that consequences are negotiable. They might be loving gifts out of guilt, but it can turn into performative apologies or materialistic type behaviors.
SPEAKER_02:I think I just thinking about my own kids and interacting with my own kids, I think that thinking about times when I may have done this, like realizing later that maybe a consequence wasn't what they needed. Maybe they just needed a redirection, maybe they just needed a conversation, but I consequenced them too harshly. And so then I have to back up and try to do those things when actually probably I could have just done a redirection or a consequence.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think kids could really figure out this one pretty easily and use it to their benefit, become very manipulative of their parents, knowing that if they push their buttons, uh they'll blow up, but on the back end, they may get something out of it. What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_03:Oh, absolutely. And I think it can hinder the children's opportunity to learn accountability because they'll just try to push all the buttons, like you said, to have the blow up to know that what's coming after the blowup.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. There's a reward. Yeah, you can you can withstand the blow up because you know the you're gonna get something pretty beneficial in the long run. Yep. All right. Now let's talk about the build and blow up trap. This is the parent that avoids confrontation or discipline for days, lets the problems build up, and then when it becomes just too much, they explode in anger. So, how would you describe this style of parenting and what might be some common behaviors that result out of it?
SPEAKER_03:That conflict resolution is never modeled and that they can't predict when the bomb is dropped, so they'll start to tiptoe, and that can be completely exhausting for anybody. The kind of going back to the walking on eggshells we talked about earlier.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, walking on eggshells is definitely the one really came to my mind when I was thinking about this, because you just never know when the bomb's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. I think sometimes this parent might be the parent that says, because I said so.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And discipline starts to feel scary and unpredictable. So then they will start to the children will even keep in their stuff and internalize it and hold it in, and they might blow up on other people outside of the home.
SPEAKER_01:Or they blow up after the parent blows up on them and it becomes a really bad cycle. Why do you think parents avoid confrontation?
SPEAKER_02:It's hard.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:It's uncomfortable. Yeah. Especially a new parent that's trying to figure out. Or if it touches an old wound.
SPEAKER_01:I heard someone say that you're gonna get the conversation one way or the other, and you're gonna get the pushback one way or the other. But if you wait, then the interest compounds as you go, and you might as well have the conversation and do the discipline on the front end because you're gonna get it one way or the other, and in the long run, you're gonna it's gonna be twice as bad. So even though it's uncomfortable, it's a lot time a lot of times that's better to just kind of get it over with. And uh being around a person who you're kind of tiptoeing around, it makes that relationship a little bit more strained and difficult too, where it's not as fulfilling as maybe if you would have just resolved it in the in the beginning.
SPEAKER_03:You let it snowball until the end.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Just teaching that you don't deal with the small problems. You're gonna wait till the explosion happens to clean up the mess.
SPEAKER_01:Now let's jump into the empty threat trap. Parents spark strict rules and consequences, very authoritative, authoritarian. They never follow through with what they're they're gonna say. How would you describe this style of parenting and what might be some common behaviors that would result from this?
SPEAKER_03:The kids stop taking the parent seriously. They will begin to test the limits, kind of like we talked about earlier. They're gonna know what buttons to push and how hard to push them.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think kids are smart. They know what's gonna, you know, they know the end result. And if it's just words and never any follow-through, they're gonna the parents gonna become like the teacher in Charlie Brown, it's just gonna be wah, wah, wah. They'll tune them completely out and do whatever they want because they know they're in the end gonna get what they want.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, they just I mean, they they don't they don't have an investment in doing the right thing. It you know, doing the wrong thing's not gonna matter. So yeah, there's just there's just no payoff for doing the right thing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I could foresee this happening when parents reach that burnout level and they're so tired, they just need that instant compliance. Yeah. But unfortunately, the kids are internalizing that as pushing the limits and testing the boundary, and then you continue to be stuck in that cycle of exhaustion.
SPEAKER_01:I wonder too that kids kind of know that parents are supposed to be in charge and supposed to be the authority and they're supposed to give consequences. And if they know that nothing's ever gonna happen, they start to lose respect for that authority figure. What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02:Because you don't mean what you say.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And I think too, kids feel like you don't care. You don't care, so why do I care? You know, there's not a reason to if if parents don't seem like they care. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So all right. This one's interesting. The control and then abandon trap. The parents will micromanage certain areas. Maybe they're really involved and invested in maybe academics or sports, but then they're completely hands-off other places like chores or the kids' friends or screen time. How would you describe this style of parenting and what are the behaviors that could come out of it?
SPEAKER_03:I would describe it as unbalanced, maybe also confusion as well. Kids might start to feel micromanaged in what the parents value, but unseen in what they value. It just feels out of balance.
SPEAKER_01:I think that'd be really hard for a kid if they think the parents care so much about one thing, but the thing, like you said, the thing they value they don't seem to care about. I I think that'd be very drive-a wedge in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely. Kind of going back to what we talked about if you don't care, why should I care?
SPEAKER_02:I think too, it's hard if you have like a parent who's maybe, you know, a parent that's really involved in all the sports things and wants their kids to be in all the community activities or the school sports, and then you have another parent that's, you know, the chores need to be done and the mow yard needs to be mowed, and you know, those things need to happen first. I think that is probably where a lot of conflict and parenting begins, maybe is just not having aligned priorities.
SPEAKER_01:And that kind of leads into this last one: the house-divided parenting. You have two caregivers who have opposing parenting styles. One can be maybe the authoritarian and the other one's really passive, and that creates some confusion and inconsistency in the home. What do you think that looks like? And can you describe how that plays out and what behaviors might result of that parenting style?
SPEAKER_03:Well, following that sports theme, you can't co-parent from opposite ends of the fields, but you don't have to be on the same team. You just need a shared game plan.
SPEAKER_02:I picture these kids as the kids that play parents against each other and then just sit back with the popcorn. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:That's kind of what popped into my mind too.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. And then parents will then feel frustrated and undermined because of being pinned against each other, but they start to feel unheard, and then you could possibly fall into some of these other traps that we talked about. So one trap in one house, a different trap in another house?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, because I mean, because parents will get frustrated with each other, right? And totally miss what role the kid is playing in that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I could see kids really splitting the parents and this one. And because that now they're going at each other, they're not paying attention to the kid, and the kid can kind of skate under the radar and do whatever whatever they want. So, what role does awareness of your parenting style play into breaking out of these type of traps?
SPEAKER_02:Well, if you know you have that information going into a situation with your child and kind of head it off with a better plan, maybe an idea of how that needs to go, avoiding a negative parenting trap.
SPEAKER_03:It's not about getting right, it's about being curious. And awareness helps you figure out your strengths and weaknesses to learn from that and either pause in the moment and adapt by using more balanced strategies after you've taken a moment to pause.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I like that. I think so often we parent the way we were parented and we don't even realize we're stepping into these traps, that we're doing these things. We don't realize anything's wrong. And then if someone can kind of help us with that, I think that's it takes a lot of times someone to kind of talk to us and let us know, maybe to expand our awareness. That can be kind of hard too, right? That we might get our feelings hurt when someone tries to give us some advice in this area.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely, because parenting is incredibly difficult. When someone wants to offer that advice, it may be taken as judgment.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. What do you think is a good way to maybe approach that subject with a friend or family member if you feel like they're stepping in these traps?
SPEAKER_03:For me personally, I have a friend who approaches me. And so once that door is open from the that side, then I would be more than willing to share my experience. I would say, have you heard the podcast Bright Nice Parenting?
SPEAKER_01:That's the right answer, Julie. Good job.
SPEAKER_03:That's a great actually. That's a great idea.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, there's this great podcast out there that you should definitely check out and listen to. I think coming in with a part of wanting to help and not wanting to condemn, I think is a big part of it. That our intentions and motives need to be right and making sure we do it in the right time and space, not in front of other people, I think is really important. Understand that it might be a little uncomfortable, but in the long run, I think they might be hopefully thankful and help for your help and advice.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely. And if they're a friend, you would hope at the end of the day they would see your heart behind the situation.
SPEAKER_02:Doing it in a loving manner can be is just as important as the information you want to share.
SPEAKER_01:Making sure you're not shaming them either, I think, is one of the most important things you can do too.
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So why is it so important that we're consistent? What happens in the long run when parents aren't consistent?
SPEAKER_03:Kids learn maladaptive behaviors to get their needs met. They will lack the emotional awareness or intelligence that can help them in the long run.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think so often we point the finger at the kids when they're misbehaving. Honestly, kids are just a reflection of us as parents and caregivers. So yeah, I think it's so important that we're we're on the same page and we're being consistent because they will act like that. They will, it will be very difficult.
SPEAKER_03:With inconsistency, it could potentially rewire the brain for hypervigilance. So then the kid is always looking for quote unquote danger, not necessarily connection.
SPEAKER_01:So, what would you say is the best way for parents to get on the same page if they are being inconsistent in their parenting?
SPEAKER_02:I think they need to start by having conversations before they have conversations with the kids or consequence or discipline the kids. They have to agree on a plan, a compromise, even if it's not the way one or the other would solely do things. They have to come up with a plan together.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely. And it's not a time to play that blame or shame game, but it's a time to learn, adapt, and grow. Laying it on the table, understanding the different parenting styles, and maybe even attachment styles, and really just being open and honest with each other without the fear of shame from the other person.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I don't think you can overcommunicate enough. Uh setting, I know everyone has busy schedules and lots of million things going on at the same time, but scheduling some time throughout your week just to have conversations about what's going on in your family and being open and honest with your feelings if you think something, if you're not on the same page and just really understanding that you're trying to go for the same goal and just really kind of talk out your feelings and how you're going and what you can do better.
SPEAKER_03:Absolutely. Maybe even using that we language because y'all are a team, your relationship with each other is a part of your parenting style.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Whether y'all are under the same roof or not.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you so much for listening today. If you like the show, please tell a friend or family member, especially if you want to give them some awareness that maybe they're stepping into one of these traps. As always, remember you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
