Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Five Practical Ways To Improve Your Family Life Today!!!!
Feeling overloaded by family logistics and daily meltdowns? We brought together our counseling, training, clinical, and campus life team to share five brain-based strategies that bring calm, clarity, and connection without adding more stress. You’ll hear how simple routines reduce decision fatigue, why writing the plan where everyone can see it boosts follow-through, and how to hold the line when kids push back so new habits actually stick.
If you’re ready for a calmer home and stronger bonds, start with just one strategy tonight and build from there. Subscribe for weekly brain-based parenting tools, share this episode with a friend who needs a win, and leave a quick review to help more families find us.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_04:Hello and welcome back. We've heard from many people who are looking for quick practical steps that they can take right now for both themselves and their kids to regain a sense of control and create a safer, calmer family life. Today we're gonna share our top five strategies to help you do just that. To do that, today I'm joined by Suzanne Wright.
SPEAKER_01:I oversee the counseling department and the training department here at Boys Ranch.
SPEAKER_02:Emily Tennyson, clinical intervention specialist.
SPEAKER_03:Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.
SPEAKER_04:All right, let's kick off with our question of the day. So what is your go-to activity that you do every day to ensure that you have a successful start to your day?
SPEAKER_01:I feel like my days are much more successful if I remember to say a prayer each morning. That if that's the first thing I think of, if I can follow through on that and just ask for the Lord to guide me through the day, I have a much better day.
SPEAKER_02:I would have to say making my coffee ritual that I have while listening to certain songs on my music device, including The Day by Forrest Frank.
SPEAKER_03:For mine, if I'm gonna have a successful day, most of the time it's a run or a walk or something in the morning that is some level of physical activity. For me, it's coffee too.
SPEAKER_04:I mine's not elaborate or anything, it's just the old school percolator and whatever. But I will not be successful if I do not have my coffee in the morning. The first thing we think that will be helpful for families is to create a reasonable and doable schedule and routine. So why is having a solid family schedule and providing structure and routine so important for families to be successful?
SPEAKER_03:I think the important importance behind a routine is everybody knows what's next. Having kind of a guideline and knowing what's next, and then everybody not being surprised, whether you have little ones or older ones, if you can have a routine, it kind of takes out of the surprise of the day.
SPEAKER_01:It takes out a lot of effort for the day too. If you have a routine and schedule that's fairly simple, pretty consistent throughout the week, it takes away a lot of the decision fatigue that we get trapped in when we're trying to come up with what next.
SPEAKER_02:Kind of becomes muscle memory.
SPEAKER_04:Yes. So how would you recommend starting and implementing structure and routine into your home if that hasn't been part of your life going up to this point?
SPEAKER_02:I would say start small, maybe picking two to three things that you can implement throughout the day, maybe something in the morning, something mid, and something in the evening, kind of help create that schedule and routine.
SPEAKER_01:I would definitely recommend that you bring your kids into that schedule setting process. And I think as you start to create a schedule, you may find you have more routine than you think you do. But maybe it's just never been written down. But I think if you'll include the kids, you'll get more buy-in to that daily routine.
SPEAKER_03:Anytime we do like a schedule change or we talk about something to our routine, we do a family meeting. And the family meeting is always helpful. What do you think about writing it down?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I'm a huge fan of writing it down. I'm a list maker by nature. And so for me to have a visual schedule that I can refer to, maybe if it's even posted on the fridge where everybody has access to it again, I'm much more likely to follow that. If it's filed somewhere in my head and I have to remember it, chances are less likely that I'll be successful following a schedule. I like to have a schedule on my computer and an actual in real life schedule also.
SPEAKER_03:I think as a house parent, that was one thing that we felt was really important. And you'd be surprised the amount of kids that would go to the schedule and see what was next on the schedule. It was always helpful, especially our kids that would be considered to be a little bit more difficult. They always really needed that schedule and craved kind of the structure and routine of it.
SPEAKER_01:It also helps decrease some of that, you know, mom, mom, mom, mom. What what's this? Go look at the schedule. It's on the schedule, right? Until it, until it builds a pathway in their brain.
SPEAKER_04:Just an extra tip. If you laminate it, it just feels more important and more official.
SPEAKER_01:So all right.
SPEAKER_04:So many families already feel overbooked. So how can they add more structure without adding more stress?
SPEAKER_01:I think actually the structure relieves the stress. Again, because if it's like creating that written schedule gets it out of your brain and onto paper, and I think you're less likely to double book yourself if you can look and see what is the what's on the calendar or what, you know, what do we have planned? And especially if it's something that repeats, you know, every every Wednesday evening we have church, or every Saturday morning we have breakfast with grandma, or you know, but then it's just there visually, and I think it kind of cuts some of the mental load and the mental clutter.
SPEAKER_04:So, what might be some common mistakes parents make when trying to implement routines and how would you advise them to avoid them?
SPEAKER_03:I think one of the things we used to do is we would sometimes add too much. And I think the other piece is not being willing to make changes on your routine. If you realize that something's not working, being willing to change it and be flexible and fluid and not throw it out completely, but realize, like, oh, we just need to change the way that we're doing this. That's really great advice, Judah.
SPEAKER_02:I think even trying to change everything at once, and that's going back to the starting small and advice, getting feedback from your kids on what to start to change first.
SPEAKER_01:I think sometimes we and we've said this, but we overschedule and we don't always allow enough time for kids to just have downtime or free time and play outside without necessarily being in an event. And I think that that may be included in your schedule are blocks of free time. We're blocks of downtime.
SPEAKER_04:So, Judah, you kind of mentioned this. How do you recommend balancing flexibility with consistency when you're building your family schedule?
SPEAKER_03:Well, I really like the idea of feedback and and talking with the kids. I think also getting an idea of where people are are at, taking your temperatures and taking everybody's temperature of, hey, is this too much? Maybe we need to back off on on this part of our routine. And like I said, I think the idea of being flexible with your routine and having and going back to look at it and say, okay, what what do we need to change? And having those family meetings and conversations really help.
SPEAKER_04:I was wondering too about one of the hardest things I've heard when you're first starting a schedule is the kids will maybe push up against it and not want to follow it and it may just be really, really bad at first. Do you think it's how important is it, do you think, to push through that and keep going and stay consistent with your schedule?
SPEAKER_01:I think that's critical. I think it's our job to set the rules and to set the boundaries, and it's a kid's job to push against those boundaries. So just like with anything new in your home, whether it's a schedule or a new rule, a new routine, you know, you've made that decision, you've you've gotten their input. Now it's the adult's job to hold the line.
SPEAKER_04:And it might get harder before it gets easier, right?
SPEAKER_01:Sometimes it does.
SPEAKER_02:And Suzanne, just like you said earlier, eventually it'll build the new pathways in their brain. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I think having rationales behind it really helps too. Not a back and forth argument to where you're getting into content and explaining and feeling like you have to reason and go back and forth, the kid, but being able to say, hey, this is the reason why we're doing this. It's it's to help me, but also to help you as you get older to create some level of consistency. My dad is a type A personality, and he was in the military before I was born. And one of the things that he was really big on my whole raising was going through my room and making sure my bed was made, was the most important thing for him. My bed was not made. It was always a discussion of like, hey, why do I want you to make your bed? And I never had a really good answer. You know, like I don't know. And he'd say, Because if I can get you to make your bed in the morning, then I can get you to put your shoes where they're supposed to be. Then we can work on making sure your closet and your clothes are picked up. So it was like little by little what Emily was talking about. If we can work on little things like making beds and making sure that routine is there, it's really helpful.
SPEAKER_01:So the question becomes Judah, is your bed made? Actually, it is. So and Judah, did you make that bed?
SPEAKER_03:I did. So here's here's the other side on this. For me, because he said that in my life, there are two things. Making a bed and my counter space in my kitchen. If I've got stuff on the counters, I feel like my life is cluttered. And if my bed isn't made, I don't have a good day for whatever reason. And he set that very young in my life. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04:All right. The next practical step we want to suggest is to make daily rituals. So what are daily rituals and how do daily rituals differ from the routines and why are both important?
SPEAKER_01:I think a daily ritual is just something that you do as a family, or maybe it may be different. You do different rituals with different children in your family, but they're just little touchstones through the day to connect you to your children. So it might be that every morning as you wake your kids up, you have a catchphrase that you say. Or, you know, maybe you you make your child's lunch and you put a little note in that lunch. Or, you know, maybe on the way out the door in the morning there's something, you know, you have a catchphrase or something you always say, but it just it builds those bonds between each family member. And it's just a special tiny little moment that really doesn't take much effort or time.
SPEAKER_04:So what are some other simple low-cost rituals that can make a big difference in a family connection?
SPEAKER_02:I think a fun pump up song on the way to school could be one.
SPEAKER_01:We had just a short little prayer that someone had given us in a frame at some point and it hung by our front door. And so every morning before we all left to go to school and work, we would say that little prayer together. It was really short, but it was just seemed like an important connection each morning before we walked out the door.
SPEAKER_04:So mine was every morning when I had dropped my youngest daughter off at daycare, we'd have a race to the front door, and she always beat me. And it was just one of those fun things we did every morning from when she could walk all the way to her last day of daycare.
SPEAKER_01:You and we've talked about this on this podcast before, but you have another evening ritual with your girls, don't you?
SPEAKER_04:Yep. We read a bedtime story every night. It was one of those things we started like in late elementary, early middle school, and I didn't think it would last. And they're going, getting ready to go to college like in two weeks. And I'm not sure if we're gonna keep it going, if we're gonna do a voice zoom call or something like that. But yeah, that's they they don't go to bed unless they have their nighttime story.
SPEAKER_02:I think some other ones could be sharing your daily high or daily low. Even weekly ones could be fun, like chocolate milk Monday or ice cream Sunday Sundays. Those can just be small moments of connection. I know that's a little bit more than maybe 60 seconds, but it could still have some of that routine and schedule.
SPEAKER_01:I want to come live at your house, Emily. I want I want ice cream and chocolate milk.
SPEAKER_03:That does sound good. Ritual is a part of what I love to do. I like to create rituals or routines, or not routines, but things that I do for myself. Like on Fridays, I wear a Hawaiian shirt. I do things like that with my kiddos too. Jonas does a lot of fun things, but I I do feel like reading stories with him at night is a big deal. The one root the one ritual he's got going on now is we lay down with him and he's three years old, and every night before bedtime, I say, Hey, go give your mom all of her hugs and kisses. And he says, Okay, and then we go lay down, and then of course he says, Hey, I gotta give her one more hug. And we it's the one more hug routine. And I love that because it's like I look like I am annoyed with it. Oh, do you really have to? But I really love it because it's his way of like showing his mommy how much he loves her, you know. And so, and we know what's gonna happen every night, too.
SPEAKER_04:So, how do these rituals create a culture, a positive culture in your home? What about them kind of fosters that connection, do you think?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I think they're they're based on things that are personal to your family, right? Little maybe little inside jokes or little inside connections. It makes your child feel special and and connected to you. And sometimes they have a different ritual with their mom than their dad. I'm guessing April did not also race Abby to the daycare door, right? But what a cool thing that she remembers, you know, having having with her dad. And I think it it adds to belonging. You know, kids feel connected, they feel attached, they have belonging.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah, I think about when I talk with my brothers about our childhood and we're reminiscing about the good old days and all that, that's all we talk about is the daily rituals. And I think that's the part that kind of makes our childhood special and fun.
SPEAKER_03:I feel like one thing, and Emily kind of hit it, that we haven't connected as much is how we connect food with rituals too. Because there are kids that my wife and I raised as house parents that we'll still call and ask, like, hey, how did you do this or how did you make this? What was the recipe? Yes, yeah. And and one of just recently I had a girl reach out to me and she said, Hey, how did you make hot cocoa? And uh I said, lots and lots and lots of sugar. And she was like, Oh, that makes sense why I loved it so much.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, four times as much sugar into a thing.
SPEAKER_03:Exactly. Like I put two cups into she's like, oh my goodness, I'm surprised I haven't had diabetes. It's like but I do feel like when we add food to those rituals or or what we're doing and how we do meals together is such an important thing. Josh, I remember you doing a training once where you were talking about how important meals were to a family. It's really one of our biggest things as a family is to try to sit down together, no matter how busy it is, even if it's five minutes, especially with my 16-year-old daughter who wants to just scarf down her meal. And then my little ones who can't sit still and want to run around the table. I think the importance of sitting down and trying to have some level of, hey, this is an important part of our routine. What do you guys like about our meals? And talking about that is just important too.
SPEAKER_04:So, Judah, that's actually a perfect segue to number three in our list of suggestions is increasing the number of family meals we have together. So, what does research tell us about the benefits of regular family meals?
SPEAKER_01:So I did look that up. Research shows that having meals together creates stronger family bonds. It improves communication between family members, and it also promotes healthier eating habits for both the kids and the adult.
SPEAKER_04:So, what are some realistic strategies that families can do with their hectic schedules to share more meals together?
SPEAKER_01:I think it's important to be creative and understand that doesn't always mean dinner. I think evenings are some of our busiest times, especially when we have kids involved in sports or other extracurricular activities, and that meal together may be a breakfast, or maybe it's brunch every Saturday morning or it lunch after church on Sundays, you know, but that we don't get stuck into thinking dinner's the only time that works for that connected time.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. That's what we we did. We were so busy growing up. It was breakfast. For us, we always had breakfast together, or even planning two to three days that will be the mealtimes together versus trying to focus on seven days a week, that can also feel overwhelming.
SPEAKER_04:I think that's one of the best things to start out with, too, is not think you have to do three meals a day, seven days a week, especially if you're starting out, that may feel overwhelming. But if you just yeah, pick two or three days and start there, and then you can always expand and build on that. How can families make mealtime a more positive experience, even if the kids aren't really thrilled about being there?
SPEAKER_02:Maybe let the kids pick the menu or know ahead that you're gonna keep the conversation light and try not to discuss any stressors of the day.
SPEAKER_01:You mentioned earlier sharing highs and lows. And sometimes that's a great opportunity when you're all seated together at the table. Everybody shared what went well today and then what was the struggle for me today.
SPEAKER_04:We always had music playing in the background to let the kids pick like something on streaming, what uh genre music they wanted to listen to, and that kind of helped a little bit too.
SPEAKER_03:I feel like just breathe and know that it's not gonna be perfect. I think the things that I remember the most with meals are my wife's family, and she had she comes from a big family. I come from a small family. We sit together, especially when I was first a part of their family. It was chaotic. It was wild, it was chaotic, and it was loud. And from being from a small family, it was quiet at our dinner table. So, like for me, it was it was a little bit crazy to see how chaotic it was, but it was a lot more enjoyable. Just the memories that were created and the jokes and the fun that was there, and it wasn't prim and proper. And I think knowing that meals will sometimes be a little chaotic, but enjoying that chaos that's there.
SPEAKER_01:And adults, you set the example. So you leave your phone in another room, you know. I mean, you you set that lighthearted mood, you know, you you bring some levity and Josh, you would be really great at having a dad joke at every meal. I mean, you know, but but doing something like that that again makes the kids want to be there. Emily mentioned this is not a time where we go over, I got a call from your teacher today and you're in trouble. You know, that that's not a time for it. This is another to strengthen those bonds and those relationships.
SPEAKER_04:So the fourth strategy we suggest is saying yes, being more thoughtful about yeses and no's. Why do you think many parents default to saying no so quickly and what can help shift this mindset?
SPEAKER_01:I think when my kids were little, I defaulted to no just because whatever they were asking for was one more thing. You know, I'm like I'm already tired and there's already been a lot of stuff going on today, and I still have a list of goals to accomplish and here there, it's one more ask. It's it seemed like it was one more task to add to my to-do list. And so I frequently heard a no just roll off my tongue before I had even really processed what they were asking for. And it was an that's a negative habit to get into. As far as helping shift that mindset, I think it's important to just become self-aware if that's if you've fallen into that trap. I think that's an easy trap to fall into, and you have to just start paying attention, you know, and start catching yourself. And so if you, you know, self-awareness is the first step in being able to shift that.
SPEAKER_03:No's are easy. Yeah, that's the the easy answer for me. When I first became a house parent, I remember at one place I worked. No was what we were taught, was like the default at first. And I worked at another place, and then their response was there was like a ratio to no's to yeses. So they were like, hey, for every one no, you should have two yeses to kind of get you out of the mindset of giving no's all the time. So it's like, okay, I've used my one no, now I've got to try to use two yeses on something easy. So you're a little bit more careful with your your no's and yeses too, where you're being more thoughtful about, okay, I'm about to give a no. Does this really need to be a no? Or is this something that is gonna be easier for me? Is this gonna be something that's gonna be helpful for the kid in the long run? Because I think that's why we do it. It's easy. It's easy to say no, it's easy to shut it down early. Yeses can sometimes be a it might be a little bit wilder, it can be a little bit more fun, and it allows a kid a little bit more of this idea that, hey, my mom and dad aren't always gonna say no to me.
SPEAKER_04:So thinking about being more thoughtful and mindful of what our yeses and no's, how does modeling the principle of letting your yes mean yes and your no mean no help build trust and respect within your family?
SPEAKER_01:You know, sometimes as parents, when that no no comes first, we get resistance from the kids and then that leads to begging and leads to whining. And eventually sometimes we give in. And what does that teach your kids, right? It teaches them that whining wins and persistence pays off. And that's not really what we want to teach, but we do that. We do that a lot. And so if we've been thoughtful about that yes or that no to begin with and give in the yeses whenever possible, I think you're gonna see a lot less resistance. And I think they're gonna understand that when you do say no, there's a reason behind that. You know, if you've if you constantly say no and later give in to yes, you've you've taught them to beg for a yes.
SPEAKER_04:So, how can parents be intentional about their yeses without feeling like they're losing control?
SPEAKER_03:I think what I said earlier, having a ratio, a yes to no ratio can help you a little bit with that. I think also realizing that a yes doesn't mean that you're gonna have complete chaos. Be trusting with your kids on things, know that they're gonna that you've, especially if they're older and they're to that teenage stage, that they can make some decisions and we've got to allow them to make decisions to do things that might not always be the easiest.
SPEAKER_01:I think you have to consider too, what's your long-term goal? If your long-term goal is to provide external control where you're always in charge of your kids, they're gonna have a really difficult time transitioning to adulthood and independence, right? But if your goal is to provide external control until they develop some internal self-control, that's what you want as they leave your care and move into adulthood. And so if I'm feeling like I have to control every little thing, I probably need to re-evaluate some of my parenting approach, right? Because, you know, you're not gonna always be in control. And there needs to be a gradual transition. If you, if you externally control your kids until they have freedom, then Judas said then then there's chaos and then they go wild, right? And so you want to start that providing them with internal self-control as soon as that's age appropriate, and then let them develop that. And some of that is about trusting them enough to give a yes.
SPEAKER_02:And could that also be could that also look like providing a yes with clear expectations based on their developmental age?
SPEAKER_01:I agree. I think that's wonderful. Provide that yes, and then you have a conversation about what would that look like.
SPEAKER_03:This is a little bit of a rabbit trail. As you were talking, I was thinking about with my 16-year-old daughter, I didn't really have as many issues with my oldest son. He like we told him something, he went with it, he that's just how he was. With my daughter, she kicked back a little bit more, which is kind of how I'm wired. And so what ended up happening was, especially when she got old enough to get a phone, we would always get to this point where anything was like loss of your phone. And I weirdly got to a point where everything was hand over your phone. And it was like a little bit of attitude, hand over your phone, got to this default setting. And it was almost like with my no's and my yeses, where it was like hand it over. And we had this conversation where I asked her, I said, Hey, I'm obviously making you upset every time I talk to you. I feel like when I say anything, you just want to like yell and get mad at me, or walk off and slam your door, and like we're just having struggles. What I need to do differently now. This took nearly a year of us bunting heads. She told me, she said, You take my phone all the time. And I said, Okay, so if I just stopped taking your phone and if we can figure out something else, would that help our relationship? And she said, Yes. We we decided from that point on I wasn't gonna touch the phone. When we did consequences or when we had conversations, that was that was the one area or the one thing I was not gonna do. And it was a surprise how our relationship almost changed overnight. Wow, it was the conversation, but man, I have to do things dumb for a while before it takes a little bit. But I think what was helpful for her for me a little bit was the realization that that phone was such a connection to her friends, which I never had and didn't understand. So once we got there, it was like, oh, I need to recognize that this is important. And I know it's it's a little bit of a sidetrack, but I feel like with yeses and no's, I had that same moment of clarity a little bit with kids I worked with where I was the no parent and I just gave a lot of no's. And I had a supervisor that made the comment and the connection of like, hey, why don't you try a no every now or a yes every now and then instead of a no. And it was interesting to see how my relationships with those kids changed overnight just by allowing a a little bit more of flexibility or even just listening to them.
SPEAKER_04:I think an interesting part of this too is you don't have to say yes and no right away. I think we rush into our we either automatically say yes or automatically say no and we don't have time to think about it. We're actually in charge and we can say, Let me think about that for a little bit and then give your yes or no.
SPEAKER_01:When my oldest daughter was about five, if I said no, she would say later. She she always countered that. No, the answer was later. Right. She was encouraging me, hey, why don't you think about that before you just automatically give a no?
SPEAKER_04:All right, our last fifth and last strategy is front loading. So for those of you who haven't heard the term before, what does front loading mean in the parental context and why is it such a powerful parenting tool?
SPEAKER_02:It's preparing your kids in advance for what's coming so they know the plan, the expectations, and possibly any changes beforehand.
SPEAKER_03:At one place I worked at, they would say pre-teaching.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, that's a good phrase too.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, because pre-teaching is a helpful one. And that was the first bit of advice I got from somebody when my wife and I were becoming house parents, is they said pre-teach, preteach, pre-teach. So it's like your goal is to figure out what's gonna happen and front load to that or pre-teach to whatever whatever could go wrong or whatever the expectations might be, so the kids can be prepared for that.
SPEAKER_04:So why is it such a powerful tool then? Why why do we utilize front loading so much here at the ranch?
SPEAKER_01:I think it reduces stress, right? I think if if kids know what to anticipate, they can mentally prepare for that and they respond better than if they're caught off guard or they're surprised, right? So if if, for example, if we know there's gonna be a change in staffing and that tomorrow different people would be on duty in their home, we tell the kids in advance because that way they can mentally prepare for it rather than wake up and somebody unexpected is covering their home. So I just think it gives their their brains opportunity to think about it, to prepare for it, and it reduces it reduces anxiety.
SPEAKER_04:So, what might be some real world examples of how front loading can prevent meltdowns and other conflicts?
SPEAKER_03:I think before you go somewhere, if you're gonna go somewhere or if you're going to take your kids into a store, letting them know even before you leave the house what that's gonna look like, um, how long it's gonna take, what you might be getting, kind of the expectations of of what you expect from them when you go, and maybe some positive rewards if you can get through it, um, can be really helpful as well.
SPEAKER_02:This might be a rabbit trail, but to tag off of that, if there is some anxiety about going off into stores while you're front loading, maybe giving a kid a job. Hey, you keep your eye out for the corn. You keep your eye out for the tortillas and help get some buying in that.
SPEAKER_03:You push the cart.
SPEAKER_01:I used to always give my kids a little lecture, like if if they were going to play at a friend's house or we were going to a birthday party, or even, okay, we're about to walk into church, and what does that behavior look like? And you know, there was a point where, you know, I would kind of get the we've heard this before, mom. So I would say, what's the lecture? And then they would tell me, you know, and they were telling me verbatim, so I knew they'd heard it, but they were tired of hearing it from me. And so I would just say, Okay, what's the lecture? And, you know, one or all three of them would pop off and they'd remember different points and it accomplished the same goal, but they, you know, they had more fun. I used to also, you know, we have never lived, quote unquote, in town. Like we have always lived at least 30 to 45 miles away from the nearest large town, which is Amarillo, which means when we go to Amarillo, we always have a list of chores to accomplish, right? You have to go to Walmart, and maybe you need to run by Walgreens, and maybe you need to, you know, run another errand. There's just always a list. And so, you know, I would have my kids with me, and it really drove my middle daughter crazy. Well, where are we going next? Well, what are we doing next? And at first I thought, what does it matter? Like you're stuck riding in the car with me. We'll go have a snack later. But, you know, but finally I realized it's because she felt a little out of control and a little dysregulated because she didn't know what was next. And so finally it dawned on me to give her the list. And I'd say, you're in charge of the list. Where do you think we should go next? And so she would choose. And sometimes I might say, now that's way across town. Should we go there next or should we go? Like I might guide it a little bit, but she had the list, she was in charge, and she could check it off as we go. And that completely changed her mood and her experience of running errands in Amarillo. It really made things a lot easier for her.
SPEAKER_02:And I think front loading can also like small moments throughout a gathering. Hey, we're leaving in 10 minutes. Go ahead and start saying your goodbyes now.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. I feel like the any time that we did front loading or pre-teaching, it was based off of the mistakes we had made before or the things that we had experienced. You said birthday parties, and I I think about how difficult for all my children birthday parties are because they go there, they're having fun, and then they watch another kid open presents. And for a two or three-year-old, that can be miserable.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And my two younger ones did so much better than my two older ones. So I would always kind of go over the top with it. Like, hey, when they open presents, sit by daddy and we'll we'll rock back and forth and we'll sing a song. Or just don't go over by where the presents are. Um because it it I remember with with both of them at one point, it turned into one of those parent moments where you're like, oh my gosh, everyone is gonna remember this for the next 20 years.
SPEAKER_01:One of my earliest memories is my fourth birthday party. And when it got time to open the presents, and my mom said, Hey, we're gonna open presents, all the kids went and opened the gift they brought. Every I wish you could see, listeners, that everybody's mouth flew open as I described that, as did mine when I was four. And I was so stunned, you know. And so my mom and other moms were there, like, oh, you know, and by then it's too late. But there were little kids that hadn't been front loaded, they didn't have a lot of experience of going to other kids' birthday parties at that point. But yeah, front loading might have helped my fourth birthday party go a little bit. Better. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I think it's any time where you know you're gonna be with people. And and for moms, joyful and I always talk joyful, my wife and I always talk about the mommy guild. And there's this feeling that moms have where they're being judged about everything they do. Yeah. Even when nobody really cares. So I think that that's where a lot of our front loading comes from is that anxiety of who what thing did my kid do last time that I need to prepare for this time?
SPEAKER_01:Exactly.
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