Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Brain Based Parenting
Creating Calm Part 1: Regulate First, Reason Later
We unpack how regulation, not compliance, drives real change and why the brain’s state decides whether a child can listen, connect, and learn. We share tools for co-regulation, decode hyperarousal and dissociation, and show how to move from chaos to cortex with simple, steady steps.
• defining regulation as the capacity to regain control and act with intent
• differences between regulation and compliance
• arousal continuum from calm to terror linked to brain regions
• state-dependent functioning and why language fails in survival mode
• hyperarousal versus dissociation and how both block learning
• regulate, relate, reason as a practical sequence
• rhythmic, repetitive, patterned activities that soothe the lower brain
• mirror neurons, co-regulation, and caregiver self-checks
• trauma, sensory overload, and environmental tweaks that help
• behavior as communication and the power of snacks, water, and movement
• spotting re-regulation and building a personal toolbox
• honoring processing styles and using timed check-ins
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_00:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about one of the most important skills for both parents and kids, regulation.
SPEAKER_02:To do that today, I'm joined by Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention.
SPEAKER_03:Adam Len, Clinical Intervention Specialist.
SPEAKER_02:Julie Ortega, Direct Care Staff Training Specialist.
SPEAKER_00:All right, let's kick off with our question of the day. Since we're talking about regulation, what activity dysregulates you the fastest?
SPEAKER_02:This is probably an unpopular answer, but family gatherings dysregulate me really quickly. There are so many different people and different personalities, and individually, I'm fine. But when all of those different personalities join together in a group, I tend to get dysregulated very fast.
SPEAKER_03:I agree. I think overstimulation from multiple voices all talking at the same time, especially if it if that conversation is directed at me and everybody's expecting answers. I can be like I'm a little bit too simple-minded for multiple conversations at the same time.
SPEAKER_05:I agree with both of you. I also, if if the environment is really chaotic, it's going to dysregulate me. If there's like conversations and TV and activity and just a lot going on at one time, it can dysregulate me. And then just something like if I have my day planned out and something throws a kink in that plan, that can dysregulate me. Julie, that's every day.
SPEAKER_02:How about you, Josh? What dysregulates you?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I'm really glad that I don't live in a big city because driving in traffic is my number one. I'm pretty sure if I lived in a bigger city, I'd end up on one of those viral videos for road rage people or something like that. Because uh I don't know how people live in big cities do it. I would I'd rage monster on every single day to work, I think. All right, so we're gonna be talking about regulation today. So what is regulation?
SPEAKER_02:I don't think that we use that term in everyday life. We're we're familiar with it now. We've been using that for a long time at Boys Ranch, but I think prior to that term regulation, we probably would have said calmness, right? That somebody who's regulated is calm.
SPEAKER_05:I agree. It's when we do interviews, we'll use the word regulation, like thing regulation activities, things to help the kids become regulated or what makes them dysregulated. And people will ask you, Do the kids know what you're talking about? And we're like, Yes, the kids, everybody on our campus is very familiar with that language, but anybody off campus isn't familiar with that language.
SPEAKER_03:So Yeah, I think it's kind of the ability to regain control over your emotions and behavior and act in a way that you intend to. You would intend to.
SPEAKER_00:So how is emotional or behavioral regulation different from simple obedience or compliance?
SPEAKER_03:I think that's a really good question. I think emotional and behavioral regulation is really for your own personal well-being and allows you to function socially where obedience and compliance is kind of based off of a more subservient model where you know the person's well-being isn't necessarily taken into account.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I think if I want somebody to obey or comply, I don't really care about their emotional state. I simply want immediate compliance, right? But if we want a child to be regulated, we want them to have an internal sense of calmness, not just the outward appearance of compliant.
SPEAKER_05:I think that's important because sometimes a kid can look regulated, but really emotionally they're dysregulated and they could still be being obedient or compliant, but they're feeling emotionally dysregulated on the inside. So true.
SPEAKER_00:So can you walk us through the arousal continuum and how it explains different states that kids experience throughout the day?
SPEAKER_02:The arousal continuum is a concept that we on our campus learned from Dr. Bruce Perry. And it involves five states: calm, alert, alarm, fear, and terror. And the concept is that basically each one of us at all times throughout the day is somewhere on that arousal continuum. If you are calm, you may simply be watching TV. It doesn't take a lot of effort from you. You're paying attention, but you're not being called upon to interact. Alert would be maybe you are listening to information in a sermon at church or in a classroom situation where you can be more interactive, you're paying attention. If you are asked a question, you could answer that question. Alarm would be something that gets your attention that tells your brain, hey, you need to pay attention to that. And for example, if you were driving to work and you noticed smoke and a small fire on the side of the road, your brain would say, Hey, pay attention to that because we may be in danger. As you get closer, if that fire started to spread, you may become fearful about your safety. And then if there was an explosion, you might go straight into terror. Different triggers cause each one of us to move up and down that arousal continuum throughout the day. So that what triggers one person to alarm, fear, or terror, another person might not respond to. So it's very individualized. But also where you are on that arousal continuum correlates to where you are in your brain. If you are calm or alert, you can be in your cortex, which is the rational thinking part of your brain. It allows you to plan ahead, to remember, to have calm conversation. Once you are at alert or alarm, you start to move down into your limbic system, which is the emotional part of your brain. Fear or terror would push you down through your diencephalon, the survival brain, all the way to the brainstem. And at that point, you can't really access your cortex. You don't have the ability to have a calm conversation because you're in the lower parts of your brain.
SPEAKER_00:So then what is state-dependent functioning and why is it critical to understand this in parenting and caregiving?
SPEAKER_03:So state-dependent functioning is the idea that we will we function based off of what part of our brain is most engaged at that time. And so if you were walking across the road and weren't p necessarily paying attention like you should, and you turned and saw a vehicle coming your way, your brain would automatic j automatically shift into that terror state and you would act accordingly to, you know, to that, to that function, jump out of the way, probably before you're even aware of it.
SPEAKER_02:Aaron Ross Powell Sometim of their brain and we expect them to act as if they're in their cortex. We have expectations that say you should be able to behave as if your brain was calm. But if they're not calm, that determines and and dictates their functioning.
SPEAKER_03:Aaron Powell And so if we try to engage a person who is operating in one of these kind of lower brain regions because they're in just in that state of fear or terror or alarm. And we're trying to engage them assuming that they are in a calm state, it's just not going to work. They're not, they don't have access to that part of their brain at that time.
SPEAKER_05:Aaron Powell Yeah, you're gonna end up escalating or having a kid totally shut down or it's not gonna be productive. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And I think sometimes we're not aware of what state that child is in because we're not triggered in the same way. So maybe it's a child who has test anxiety or performance anxiety, and the teacher asks them to come up and solve a math problem on the board in front of all their peers, and they just completely shut down. Either they withdraw, they get really quiet, they won't respond to the teacher, or they stand up and start yelling and throw in a book. And and the adult response is that was such a small thing to ask you what's wrong with you. Instead of understanding that for that child, your request put them lower in their brain and further down that arousal continuum, it's not necessarily a conscious choice on the child of the part, on the part of the child.
SPEAKER_00:So how does hyperarousal and dissociation affect a child's ability to learn, connect, and make decisions?
SPEAKER_02:You know, there's kind of a continuum between being hyper-aroused, between dissociation. And commonly we talk about things like fight or flight, right? And so when a child is is hyper-aroused, we tend to think of that as the fight. In my example, that's the kid who stood up and threw a book and cursed at the teacher and, you know, ran out of the room rather than do the math problem. Disassociation or flight is the kid who just checks out. They just withdraw into their selves. They don't respond. And so depending on what the trigger is, you may see a child go one of those two ways. Some kids tend to be more hyper-aroused or where almost every reaction is met with fight. And some kids tend to be more dissociative or flight, have flight tendencies.
SPEAKER_03:And those fight, flight, freeze brain states are there for a reason. They're our brain is equipped with that for survival. And so when a when a child is operating in one of these survival brain states, they're they don't have access to the parts of their brain that are ready to connect or learn.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. If kids are in the lower part of their brain, they're almost physically prevented from learning because learning takes place in the cortex, conscious learning in a classroom, right? We learn a lot of things in the lower parts of our brain, like for example, how to keep ourselves safe. But if we're talking about classroom learning or a conversation that we're having with one of our own kids where we're saying, hey, do you understand what you did wrong and how you need to behave in the future? That child can't absorb that information or respond to you unless they're in their cortex.
SPEAKER_03:In a sense, those lower brain states are they're pretty simple fight, flight, or freeze. Yeah. And so to be in one of those brain states, a child doesn't really need to be creative necessarily. And so that their functional IQ is is lower in in those regions because they just don't need that. That's kind of a waste of energy.
SPEAKER_00:When we think about regulation, I think oftentimes the hyperarousal, we're pretty good at understanding and seeing that we have to calm kids down. But I think on the other side, the dissociation, I don't think people realize you have to regulate kids up when they're dissociating. Can you guys talk about that maybe a little bit?
SPEAKER_02:Adults like compliant children. And sometimes compliance is missed because it's dissociating, right? So so you may have a child who's just as dysregulated as the one who can't sit still or be quiet in a classroom, but they're quiet, and we're we're missing that. And so those kids have needs too, but sometimes it's overlooked.
SPEAKER_00:So what are some common misinterpretations of dysregulated behavior that lead parents to discipline instead of connect?
SPEAKER_03:I think assuming that a child can access the cortex and to to try to use verbal language and reason to try to help a child regulate is a is a big misconception. Um, and uh and results in frustration on the parts of the parents.
SPEAKER_05:I think often the parents think that it's intentional, like this behavior is on purpose, it's intentional, and we're missing that there's something going on that's triggered that behavior.
SPEAKER_02:I agree. I think as adults, we often default to any misbehavior is simple, willful defiance, that the child is actually in control, but they are choosing to misbehave in this moment or push our buttons in this moment instead of understanding that more often than not, that is simply not the situation. That child is in a lower brain state. Remembering too that a child's cortex isn't fully developed. We have a lot of expectations, I would say, especially of teenagers, for them to access their cortex and behave in a way that makes sense to us as adults without remembering that that cortex isn't going to be fully developed till they're between 25 and 30 years old. Right. And so are kids ever will fully define. Yes, 100%. All of us in this room are parents. So we have certainly seen that in our own kiddos, right? But more often than not, we need to be curious about that brain state and about what's been going on in their world. And I think that you will be surprised at how most behavior is simply a request for help from an adult rather than an attempt to push an adult's buttons.
SPEAKER_05:I think sometimes too, like, and this was one thing that I had to learn was it it doesn't have to be a big thing either that's causing them to be dysregulated. It could be are you thirsty? Are you dehydrated? Do you need your to drink? Are you hungry? When was the last time you had a snack? And that can be enough to get them regulated. It it doesn't always have to be something big that is triggering a a behavior or dissociating. Yeah, that's a good point, Julie.
unknown:Trevor Burrus, Jr.
SPEAKER_03:And that those lower brain regions control those physical functions like heart, you know, heart rate, hunger, feelings of hunger, sleep, those kinds of things. So it makes sense that if a child doesn't have, you know, sufficient reward in those areas, then those that part of the brain is gonna kind of fire up and say, hey, pay attention to me.
SPEAKER_00:So why is it so hard for some children to just calm down when they're dysregulated?
SPEAKER_02:Aaron Powell I would say it's almost physically impossible. What you're saying is, hey, I see that you're in the lower part of your brain, just immediately go to your cortex, right? And that that it just doesn't work that way, right? Even for us as adults, if you ever have been told by another person, calm down, you know for your own self that that was not helpful and actually may have endangered the life of the person who verbalized that to you. You may have made it worse, right? And so you're asking not just a behavioral impossibility, but a physical impossibility. It's also important to know that children don't come with an understanding of how to regulate, right? We teach children to regulate when once they're born, right? And throughout throughout their lives. An example I give frequently in training is that, you know, for nine months in the womb, an infant hears mother's heartbeat, right? So it's rhythmic, it's repetitive, it's patterned, and it's calming and soothing to that infant. Once an infant is born and they cry, what do we do? We pick them up, we swaddle them, we rock them, we pad them. Rhythmic, repetitive, patterned intervention. And so we co-regulate with that child. And then as they grow into toddlers and older children, we're helping them learn skills and techniques to regulate. We don't just say, go to your room and regulate on your own. We have to teach it and we have to model it.
SPEAKER_00:So when it comes to regulation, we utilize the model of regulate, relate, and then reason. Can you break down that model for us and why it's so important? Go in that order.
SPEAKER_05:If we are functioning in the lower part of our brain, we can't reason. So we have to become regulated. We have to be able to move up into the um higher functioning parts of our brain, back into our cortex. So regulation has to come first because you're not going to be able to reason without regulation.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, in a way, it kind of regulate, relate, reason kind of mirrors that model of the brain that we refer to so often, where regulate refers to maybe having well-being in the lower parts of the brain. Relate happens in that midbrain, and then reasoning is what goes on in the frontal, you know, the cortex part of the brain.
SPEAKER_02:And anything that that's rhythmic, repetitive, repetitive, or patterned is what helps your lower brain regulate, right? So that could be going for a walk, listening to music, playing with a fidget, playing a video game, bouncing a ball back and forth, rocking in a rocking chair, right? Anything that's rhythmic, repetitive, or patterned. Only once you're regulated and that child is regulated can you move up to the next level of relate, which really is about relationship, right? Being in relationship with that other person to whatever extent is appropriate, right? Is this your child or a spouse or a neighbor, somebody you go to church with? Is it a coworker or a boss? You know, so there are very many different types of relationship. But in order for you to resolve this issue, there has to be a relationship between you and the other person that you both value, right? So you're extending safety through relationship to that other person. Only then can you get up in the cortex where you can reason. And as adults, so often we default to reason first, right? We want to jump in and give the lecture and talk to the child about what they did wrong and what they should do differently the next time. But that's pointless if you have failed to regulate and do it in the context of relationship, right? Once you've provided that foundation, then you can have that conversation cortex to cortex.
SPEAKER_05:I think you said such an important thing too, that sometimes we think it's just our child that is dysregulated. And many times it's both of us that are dysregulated, or it could be me that's dysregulated that's causing my child to become dysregulated. And so I think we have to remember that it's not always our child that is the dysregulated. Amen.
SPEAKER_00:So that's a great segue. So how can adults accidentally make things worse by reasoning and lecturing before a child is regulated?
SPEAKER_02:You remember the Charlie Brown uh cartoons, right? And Charlie Brown sits in a classroom with a teacher and and all he hears is wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, right. He he can't process any words that are coming out of that teacher's mouth. And so, in the same way, when we want to jump into reasoning or lecturing, a child who's in the lower parts of their brain, wah, wah, wah is all they're gonna hear. You know, they just don't have capacity to process that information, which in turn makes us frustrated if we feel like they're not listening and they're not responding in the way that we expect. And that tends to escalate the situation and make it worse, Suzanne says from past experience as a parent.
SPEAKER_05:Josh talks about this in a training that he does and where a lecture feels good for us. It's unproductive. It does.
SPEAKER_00:I like to lecture my daughters. It's it's good to stand on my soapbox and let them have it.
SPEAKER_03:I really like what Julie said earlier about adults being subject to these state-dependent functioning as well. So, you know, we can't just assume that it's only our children who are dealing with this. This is just a part of all of us. It's a part of our bodies.
SPEAKER_00:Aaron Powell, so what role does co-regulation play and how can a parent become a calming presence when their child is overwhelmed?
SPEAKER_02:A phrase that we use commonly here on our campus is it takes a calm brain to calm a brain, right? So if you've got a child or children who are dysregulated and you come in with a calm brain, you have more opportunity to influence them to be calm. If they're dysregulated and you come in and you become dysregulated and you start to yell, you're just adding fuel to the fire. That happens because of something in our brain called mirror neurons. And we have lots of different kinds of neurons, but mirror neurons mean that we will tend to mirror the state of the person in front of us. And so if someone's really calm, their mirror neurons will impact mine and I will start to have to have a sense of calm. If somebody's really escalated, especially if I'm not careful and aware of that, I can find myself escalating right along with them. The best example I can give you of mirror neurons is yawning. So what do we always say? If you see somebody yawn, we say it's what? Contagious. It's contagious, it's catching, right? And so that's your mirror neurons if you catch that yawn. Sometimes you just say the word and people start to yawn. But that's a great example of how that works. It's not a conscious choice. You're not, you know, intending to escalate. But again, if you're caught off guard, you may escalate right with that other person. And so for kids, who should be the calming presence? It should be us. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. I think that speaks to the importance of self-care for, you know, on the part of the parent. They need to know what they can do to stay regulated, to be present for their kids.
SPEAKER_00:So, how can caregivers identify their own regulation levels before responding to a dysregulated child?
SPEAKER_02:I think you have to take a breath and step back and kind of check in with yourself. You know, one of the things Dr. Perry talks about is putting a moment between impulse and behavior, right? So that that when you have that impulse. And you act immediately, sometimes you make the wrong choice, right? And so, so we're trying to extend that moment between impulse and behavior for our kids. That's something we're trying to teach them to do. But it's so important for us to do that as well, so that we have that impulse to yell or throw out a consequence that if we could just put a moment of time in there, take a breath, you know, and do whatever we need to do to return to a sense of calmness so that we can respond to that child rather than just react to whatever situation is happening. Now, obviously, there are times where it's a safety issue and you need to immediately jump in, but frequently we could give ourselves a moment.
SPEAKER_05:I'm thinking about a day that you, Suzanne and I were sewing together. And I think we have to listen to the people around us too. Like if someone says, maybe you need to take a break, we should probably listen and take a break. Like Suzanne was helping me with a project and I was starting to feel very overwhelmed by it. And she said, you know what, we're just gonna go take a walk around the block. And we did, and it was just the just the activity that I needed to get myself back on track and refocused and ready to tackle the project again. So I think that's the same thing. If if we aren't able to recognize it in ourselves, but someone comes to us and says, Hey, maybe you need to take a break or let's go for a walk then.
SPEAKER_02:And I didn't I didn't say, Julie, go go walk around the blocker by yourself, right? But that co-regulation's important for us as adults too, rather than just having to regulate on your own.
SPEAKER_03:Aaron Powell It seems that co-regulation almost requires a sacrifice on the part on the part of the caregiver, uh almost like a brain state sacrifice, like to pull somebody out of those fear-terror parts of the brain, you can't necessarily be calm. You kind of have to like dive down into your own alarm system to kind of do that.
SPEAKER_00:Aaron Powell So how does a trauma history or sensory processing issues, sensory processing difficulty impact a child's ability to stay regulated?
SPEAKER_02:Aaron Powell You know, when we think about that arousal continuum, again, calm, alert, alarm, fear, and terror. Most people live between calm and alert. That's our normal state, right? But when you've had a history of trauma, then you tend to live more between alert and alarm, right? It could be anywhere on that continuum. So you have to think about your own personal experiences or those of your child. But when you live at alert or alarm, boy, it's not very far to terror, right? You're already halfway there. And so it could be a less seemingly insignificant issue that triggers you and puts you all the way to terror. As opposed to somebody who lives between calm and alert, it may take a bigger issue to push them towards that opposite end of the arousal continuum. So trauma history plays a really big role in state-dependent functioning on where somebody lives, on what state that they reside in on a regular, on a regular basis.
SPEAKER_00:I think you guys all mentioned in the question of the day that was kind of environmental overload that kind of was your trigger. And I think about sensory processing, how often we just get overwhelmed by sensory issues that dysregulate us. And I don't think people pay attention to a lot of that as much. I remember when I used to be an on-call supervisor, oftentimes I'd get calls to homes that were just out of control, dysregulated. And what I would do before I'd go talk to anyone, I would just go turn the TV down, turn the lights down, have the kids turn their music down. And just in the act of doing those things, regulating the sensory, turning the sensory input down, it just naturally calmed the environment down. So I think being aware of your environment and seeing kind of what sensory issues might be distracting or dysregulating a kid is a good idea as well. So why is it important to look beyond the behavior and ask what is this behavior communicating?
SPEAKER_03:I think it maybe it informs us or helps to inform us where this child is coming from, like what part of the brain they're they're coming from. And then that indicates to us w how we can approach the situation in a in a way that's gonna help and not make it worse.
SPEAKER_02:You know, we try to act from the concept that all behavior indicates need, right? Especially misbehavior, right? And so just like Julie said, you can look at a child who seems dysregulated and wonder what kind of emotional problem they're having, and in reality, they just need a snack, right? But but you know, if you can train yourself to see behavior and go, wow, what's missing? What's motivating that? I know we've had kids, you know, do something to get in trouble out here on campus before. And a lot of times when supervisors intervene, the first thing they say is, do you need a snack? You know, let's go to the snack bar and get a drink. And sometimes staff would respond, oh, you're gonna reward that misbehavior with taking them to the snack bar, you know, and and in reality that's not true, right? But if their blood sugar has dipped and I can give them something to drink and a snack to have and get them back on an even keel, then we're gonna have a productive conversation about what that behavior was. That behavior may just go away on its own because they had a snack, right? And and so I just think that's so important is to always be curious about what need behavior is expressing.
SPEAKER_03:When a child comes in for counseling, the first thing we do is offer them a snack and water to address that. If that's if that's an issue when they walk through the doors, it's not by the time they're ready to go.
SPEAKER_02:I'll tell you that my my first year here 25 years ago, we had five boys who ran away and they were they left in in the middle of the night. We couldn't find them. You know, at at 6 30 a.m. the next morning, as soon as it's light, we're out looking for those kids. And and hours later we finally find them. We turn a corner and they appear relieved to see us, right? They they walk right to us. My boss got out of the truck and said, You know, are you safe? When's the last time you had anything to eat or drink? And he's passing out bottles of water. And I stood with my mouth open because my first instinct was to go, Where have you been? We've been looking for you all night. You know, like like it was a fear response. I was afraid for their safety, but his response showed them care and concern. And that is not what they were gonna get had I spoke first. And so that was a big lesson for me about meeting their needs. And and I shut my mouth as soon as he opened his, and I was really glad that he spoke first and was able to extend that care and concern in instead of my approach.
SPEAKER_03:It's so cool to think what that act did to further relationship between those kids and the caregivers on ranch. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:So, what might be some signs that a child is moving back to regulation and how can we celebrate or reinforce those moments?
SPEAKER_03:I think if we remember that regulate, relate reason model, if we notice that a child is showing more signs of being able to relate, we know we're going in the right direction. That's good.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I think sometimes kids also can identify that they're dysregulated, right? Or that they're moving towards regulation. And so I think when we can point that out in a supportive way, that they start to connect states with physically, how does that feel in my body, right? So if we were even able to say, I see that you can't sit still and you're really fidgeting, you have a stressed look on your face, do you feel dysregulated, right? We name it for them. And then as we see they're able to sit calm and they're taking some drinks of water, they're making eye contact with us. You know, it seems like you're feeling more regulated. We're just noticing those things, pointing, pointing those things out, but do it doing it in a supportive way.
SPEAKER_03:Maybe we can point out the things that help them get regulated too, so that they can put them in their toolbox and recall them next time they're they're feeling dysregulated.
SPEAKER_05:I think too, once kids start, like when you name it, kids start like connecting all of those dots. And then eventually they'll be able to say, okay, feeling better, I can talk now, or I'm ready. And they will be able to initiate that on their own as well. I used to have a kid that in our home that would get frustrated and run out of the house. And he would always go to the little baseball diamond to the dug sit in the dugout behind Stephen's home. So I would call a supervisor to come over and I'd drive over and get him, and I'd say, You need to get in the vehicle, and he'd say, I'm not talking. And say, You don't have to talk, but you need to come with me. I can't just leave you out here in the dark. And so he would get in the vehicle and just the drive would start helping to regulate him. And pretty soon he'd just, you know, the rest of the way home would be chatting up, what made him so frustrated. And so it got to the point where I'd just pull up to the dugout, he'd come get in, we'd we'd drive a few, you know, up and down the main road, and then in a few minutes he'd be ready to talk. But he just he knew I can't have a conversation right now. I need some time. So he just needed that space and some regulation.
SPEAKER_03:That side-by-side environment, great for co-regulation too.
SPEAKER_02:We talk about people who are internal processors and people who are external processors, right? And an internal processor is somebody who kind of wants to withdraw into their self and think about what just happened and they're not immediately ready to discuss it. Whereas an external processor wants to talk about it right now, right? You know, and they process by verbalizing what's going on to another person. And some of the biggest conflicts happen between internal or external, right? So it's really important to know how you process, but also how your child or your spouse or even your boss, how do they process and then give space and respect to that person's attempt. So if Julie had said, not only do you have to get in the car, but you have to talk about it right now, that would have made things worse, right? But instead, she said, you know, for safety reasons, you need to be here with me, but we can be quiet. Right. And so I think that's so important that we allow kids some time and space. Maybe they do need to go sit in their room and be alone for a little bit. It's not that we're never gonna talk about it, but let's give them space to regulate and come back up in the higher parts of their brain. It may also be that we need to recognize, hey, I'm not ready to talk about it. And we say to that child, hey, I need a few moments to calm down for my brain to regulate. You know, would you mind if I go sit and have a cup of coffee? And when I feel like I'm ready to talk, I'll come to you. And the amazing thing is that when we extend that respect to our kids, they'll return it to us.
SPEAKER_03:And it models to them that that's an option.
SPEAKER_05:I think too, it's important if we send a kid to their room, like maybe you need to take a time out in your room or do you want some space in your room? Then we don't just leave them there. We we check in with them or we even just a walk by and a peek in lets them know you're still there, you're ready, and they're ready. And yeah, so we talk about that um in training sometimes too. That you know, don't don't send a kid to their room and then just leave them there feeling alone.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I'm gonna come back and check in on you in 15 minutes and yeah, and you know, and that check-in is, hey, do you feel like you're ready to talk? Nope, not yet. Okay, I'll be back 15 minutes, right? We want to make sure they know they can't avoid the conversation. Right. But we we would prefer to have that when they're in their cortex.
SPEAKER_00:Well, that wraps up another episode where we tried to regulate ourselves, try to help you relate to your kids and reason with reality. If any of that made sense with you or at least made you feel slightly more sane, consider leaving us a five-star review. It's free, painless, and oddly satisfying. Share this episode with a friend, preferably one that still thinks they can logic their way out of a kid with going through a meltdown. Until next time, remember, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes faded to make sure you remember to get them back.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
