Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
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podcasts@calfarley.org
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Creating Calm Part 2: Practical Tools For Anxious Kids
Predictability isn’t boring when you’re raising an anxious or easily overwhelmed child—it’s a lifeline. We walk through how structure lowers the brain’s threat response, why surprises often backfire for kids with trauma histories, and how to build a simple regulation schedule that targets the toughest moments of the day. You’ll hear concrete examples from home and classroom life, including how a two-minute pre-class check-in turned a dreaded period into a manageable one, and why short, well-timed breaks restore focus faster than pushing through.
We compare daily routines with regulation schedules and explain how to spot a child’s arousal pattern—when they spike into restlessness or sink into dissociation—so you can match the right tool at the right time. From crunchy vs. chewy snacks to chair push-pulls, breath work, walks, rocking, and DIY fidgets, we share a toolbox that respects sensory preferences and honors the fact that one size never fits all. You’ll also learn to read nonverbal cues—posture, breathing, eye contact, pace of speech—to catch dysregulation early and intervene before behaviors escalate.
Travel and chaotic seasons don’t have to break your stride. We offer front-loading strategies, visual lists, and small rituals that add predictability on the go, plus a reminder that proactive minutes on the front end save hours on the back end. If you’re a tired parent or educator, consider this a warm nudge: you’re not alone, and modeling your own regulation is one of the most powerful lessons you can give. If these strategies help your family regain calm and connection, subscribe, share this episode with a friend, and leave a quick review so more caregivers can find practical, trauma-informed support.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Kal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_01:Welcome back. Today we're going to continue our discussion on regulation.
SPEAKER_03:To do that, I'm again joined by Suzanne Rott, Vice President of Training and Intervention.
SPEAKER_00:Adam Lynn, Clinical Intervention Specialist. Julia Ortega, Direct Care Staff Training Specialist.
SPEAKER_01:All right, let's jump into our question of the day. What's one small routine or daily habit you personally can't live without something that helps you feel centered or ready for the day?
SPEAKER_04:I didn't even have to think about this. It is my list and my calendar, making sure my calendar is accurate for the day. I can't. It just throws my whole day off if I don't have my calendar and my list of things to get done.
SPEAKER_03:I need to start my day with a cup of Earl Grey tea. I'm not a coffee drinker, but I really crave that Earl Grey, and I I need that hit of caffeine to get my day started.
SPEAKER_00:I've been on Earl Grey all week too. It's so I'm gonna break your question though and change it to what makes me get ready for or to close the day. I can't, I can't close the day without giving myself just a few minutes to kind of stretch and just move my body a little bit to work out whatever tension I have, I've accumulated throughout the day to help me sleep. Wise.
SPEAKER_01:Josh? Oh, it's it's I am a coffee drinker and I have to have my morning cup of coffee or I am not a very good person for the rest of the day. All right. Since we're talking about regulation again, how does predictability in a child's day help them to stay regulated?
SPEAKER_03:Predictability, a calendar, just like Julie said, a list really helps your brain stay calm. You know what to anticipate in your day. Even if you have something unexpected arise, you still have a plan and a structure to lay that day down on. And so that's one less thing your brain has to worry about because your day is going to be predictable and structured. And so for a lot of kids who have a history of trauma, there was no predictability. And their brain was constantly on alert or even at alarm, trying to figure out what's next, what's next, what's next. One of the things that we know for kids we serve here who have a history of trauma, that that structure, that daily routine front loading is really important. So we talk a lot about giving kids information right up front. If there is going to be a change in the schedule, we tell them before that change. And, you know, some of our staff through the years have tried to plan big surprises for the kids. And it generally doesn't go well because the kids' brains are struggling to figure out am I safe? Am I unsafe? What do I have to do? How should I respond? And so the more predictability we provide for kids, the easier it is for them to stay in their calm brain and to be regulated.
SPEAKER_04:I think if they're already living in alert, alarm, and then with the lack of predictability, we're increasing anxiety. So that's gonna automatically increase them. And so just predictability is just safety and helping them maybe have less anxiety throughout their day.
SPEAKER_00:Our bodies are made for rhythm. You know, we have the circadian rhythm tells us when to wake up and when to go to sleep. And I think our our entire lives are kind of governed by governed by that.
SPEAKER_01:So talking about predictability and regulation, what what is a regulation schedule and how does that differ from a typical daily routine?
SPEAKER_03:You know, there are a lot of kiddos that have trouble with transition. Maybe that's the the transition from leaving home to go to school in the morning or transitions between classes or different activities at school, like going to lunch or back to the classroom after lunch, or transitioning home after school. During those times, kids become dysregulated. And so when we notice that one of our kids on campus is struggling in that way, or there's a certain time of day that they struggle, we try to plan a regulation schedule for them with some support and activities that are rhythmic repetitive patterned to be a bridge over that struggle. A lot of times our counselors are involved in helping to create those regulation schedules.
SPEAKER_01:We use these a lot in the homes I supervised. And one of the most important things we did was we kind of before we set up a regulation schedule, is we kind of did a just observation of the kid for a week or two to kind of figure out when the times they were high and when the times they were low. Once we kind of figured out what the pattern was, those times when they were maybe dysregulated, we'd come and do some type of regulation activity during those times. And then the times that maybe they were dissociating, we'd have them do some type of upregulation things. But those were more successful. The more we kind of understood their their pattern and their daily schedule, that it really helped kind of target those times to come in and be intentional, not just do it because we had free time to do it at a time, but do it at a time when it was actually useful for them.
SPEAKER_03:One of the really interesting things that we've learned from Dr. Karen Purvis and Dr. David Cross is that if you have a child that's having a low time, that dissociative time, you can give them a snack that's crunchy and it elevates their brain activity and kind of helps them regulate. Or a kid who's really having a lot of high-level activity or maybe hyperactivity is is the word we would commonly use, you could give them a chewy snack and it would help them regulate down. And I just was fascinated by that. I think those are great tips.
SPEAKER_04:I think one of the times where I personally use regulation schedules of one of my kids was a class that he was struggling with in school. So he would he was struggling with that class so much that he would do things to try to keep him from going to that class. And so we set up with the school a time where I would go up and walk with him the last few minutes of the pre-the-class before the class he was struggling in. And we go in, we'd go for a walk, we'd have a check-in, we would he would talk about this is what I'm gonna do when I start getting frustrated, just a little reminder. And then his class time would go much better if we did that every day before he went into that class.
SPEAKER_03:So you know, sometimes Julie, as parents, we feel like I don't have time for that. But the kid's gonna get our time one way or the other, right? So either on the front end, as we try to help a child prepare and we try to avoid some of that negative behavior, or they go into that situation, they don't have any help, they can't exhibit self-control, and now they're in trouble, and and that's where our time is focused. So one way or the other, the kid gets our time, but it's so much more effective if we're being proactive.
SPEAKER_01:So, what are some practical examples of regulatory activities or transitions that can be built into a child's daily schedule?
SPEAKER_00:I like the idea of pausing for a snack and a drink that addresses maybe that underlying need before it becomes a before it manifests as a problem.
SPEAKER_04:We always met our kids after school. They would have to come in and check in with us before they went to their next activity. And we always had a snack and a drink for them, which encouraged them to come check in with us. But it also helped them with that transition to their next activity.
SPEAKER_03:And again, we've said this, but just following that daily schedule so that kids know what to expect, that it's pretty much the same routine, day after day after day. Again, calms their brain. And then if you see transitions or difficult times, you know, look for things that would be helpful for that child, right? In the last podcast, we talked about things like listening to music or taking a walk or sitting in a rocking chair or find something. Not all regulation activities regulate every child, right? So, so what's really regulating for one person may not work for another person. Frequently, when I ask staff, you know, of examples, what helps you regulate, they'll say music. And I say what kind of music. And it ranges from Christian music to country to rap to hard rock. And so obviously, we don't all regulate the same way, right? But you know, you may have to be experimental, experimental, and help your kids try two or three things before you figure out what might be helpful.
SPEAKER_04:We talk about that in regulation training too. Like some kids want regulation that makes noise. Some kids don't want regulation that makes noise. I do not want regulation that makes noise. Like it will make me very anxious. But some kids like the little crinkle power click is very regulating for them.
SPEAKER_01:So what are some signs that a child needs a regulation break, even if the schedule says it's time to focus?
SPEAKER_03:I would say inattentiveness or or fidgeting, inability to sit still. When when my youngest daughter was in third grade, you know, that's the grade where now you have to take this date test. So things get right, and it's and it's really important. And uh in preparation for those tests in the spring, their teacher had taught them regulation tools. And so she would say things like, you know, that they'd been working for several hours and she would say, Let's have a vitamin D break, and they'd all go stand in front of the window. Or she would teach them to grab the side of their chair and push up, or grab the side of their chair and pull down. She taught them some finger exercises. And so she taught those over several weeks. And then she also explained, hey, during the test, I can't tell you to take a regulation break, but you know when you need one and you can quietly take one yourself. You can't go look out the window, right? But you could do these finger exercises or push and pull. You could do some breathing exercises. I feel like that made such a difference for her when it was time to actually take that test. I I thought that teacher was brilliant.
SPEAKER_04:I think too, to recognize when a child needs regulation, you have to know your kid and know what's different than their ordinary behavior. Because you might have a child that's real bubbly and talkative and active and then all of a sudden they're quiet. That's a sign they're dysregulated. Or if you have a a child that's normally really quiet and all of a sudden they're fidgety and they, you know, are are showing behaviors that are different than what's normal, that's a sign of regulation. So it can be different for each each kid. It doesn't look the same.
SPEAKER_00:I think maybe we can try to pay attention to nonverbal cues as well. A calm body has some pretty distinct features, maybe relaxed shoulders, kind of sitting in a relaxed posture, breathing comfortably, making good eye contact, talking at a slow, controlled, calm pace. But if we notice that that's changing, the bot the body has more tension in it or eye contact is less frequent or speech is more rapid. It's kind of some physical signs that maybe this person's becoming a little bit less regulated.
SPEAKER_01:And how important is that to do even when it's like times when the kids really do need to be focusing?
SPEAKER_03:Again, I I think you give them skills that help them focus. Again, as teachers, we that you don't always want to take a break, right? Or as a parent, this is an inconvenient time. But if you can give them the skills, you're gonna find that they return to focus much quicker than if you just try to ignore the needs that they're expressing through their behavior.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. I think just uh even a small little break, a reset is such a greater payoff then yeah. It might just need to be a small little like reset, a little refocus because they're going to, like you said, get your time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, you know, one way or another. I think maybe to stay calm takes a lot less energy than to try to regain calm after it's been lost. Right.
SPEAKER_01:So how can parents or teachers observe what is regulating versus what is actually overstimulating or dysregulating for a child?
SPEAKER_03:I think the key word there is observe. I think it just takes paying attention. That may be easier for individual parents to do rather than classroom teachers when you have a big group of, say, 24 or 30 kids and you're trying to learn all their signals. But parents, if you're aware of different things that tend to overstimulate or d dysregulate your child, sharing that with a teacher could be really valuable. It it may be that you have a child who is fearful, let's say, of dogs, and there's a dog coming to the classroom for you, right? Think how helpful that would be for a teacher to know in advance. And so that's just one example. But I think teachers always appreciate tips regarding the children that are in their care.
SPEAKER_01:So why should we avoid assuming that what works for one child will work for another, even if it's in the same household or classroom?
SPEAKER_00:Every person's unique and has a unique history. And so developmentally, everybody's different. Everybody has different experience.
SPEAKER_03:You know, even children that grow up in the same household turn out very differently, right? Because they experienced you differently as a parent, right? So that that first child got to be the only for however long, right? And they had a parent who never did this before, right? You know, and then the next child gets a parent who's a little bit more experienced, but also a little overconfident because you've parented that one child and you think you know what to do, but surprise, that second one will invariably, you know, be different. And so I think any any parents who have more than one child know how different their personalities are, that you have to learn each child and pay attention to them.
SPEAKER_01:I remember we had this one or in this one home, I had this one girl that was pretty dysregulated. She wanted to go run on the treadmill, so we went and ran on the treadmill. And it worked really, really great for her. And I got really excited about it. So I decided all the girls in the home, whenever they got upset or frustrated, we're gonna go take them to run on the treadmill. I couldn't figure out why this was actually making things so, so much worse. And I learned a very important lesson, which helpful for one kid may not necessarily be great for the other kids.
SPEAKER_04:You know, I think about my own kids. My son was a snuggler. So when he needed some regulation or time, he would want to snuggle or read a book or look at, you know, something or have a conversation in your lap. And my daughter was completely the opposite. She wanted to be in her room by herself. I'll look at my own book, sitting on my bed by myself. Like I don't need you to be snuggling with me. So they were very different.
SPEAKER_01:What are some overlooked but effective regulation tools beyond things like weighted blankets or fidgets that caregivers could consider?
SPEAKER_00:I was saying maybe the body itself. We have access to our breath at any given time. And so to introduce maybe some simple breathing techniques like triangle breathing or box breathing or anything, that's a pretty powerful tool. As is movement, our bodies are made to move. And so inviting a time to go walk or to just to move at all, rock back and forth, just anything to kind of bring some attention back to the body.
SPEAKER_03:And you can easily look up those breathing techniques on on the internet. You can Google it, you can look on YouTube. They're very simple and quick to learn and easy for kids to do, even on their own with a little bit of practice. You know, there are a lot of fidgets that you can make for little to no cost. Right? Like you can order, you can order a lot of things if you if you look at regulation tools on the internet, you can order relatively simple things all the way to pretty expensive things, but there's also a lot of DIY. And it may just simply be like a rubber band twisted around the end of a pencil that you could feel that you know it's a it it's intriguing to your senses. You can take balloons, fill them with anything from pebbles to sand to dishwashing soap or hair gel, right? And each one has a different texture. Again, what what one person likes, another person wouldn't like. But again, so many simple things that you could use and engage your kids in creating those things with you.
SPEAKER_00:Would a snack be considered a regulation tool?
SPEAKER_03:I think it could be. Yeah. Again, if we talked about, you know, crunchy snacks, raise that level of brain activity or chewy, lower that. So, so important.
SPEAKER_01:So, what should parents do if nothing seems to help regulate their child? Where where do they start? Nothing just a good question.
SPEAKER_04:I think you have to have conversation with your kids, like, and when they're not feeling regulated wouldn't be the best time maybe to have that conversation. But you could say, what do you need? Or what can I do to support you right now? And they might be able to tell you, get away from me, you know, or I just need music, or you know, they're not ready to have a conversation, but they might be able to say, I need a quiet space, or I need some music, something to that degree. I think you have to be able to have a conversation with them. And then later, when they are better regulated, talk about different options maybe for them and see what kind of regulation they might be interested in trying.
SPEAKER_03:I think you also, as you try different things, you say, How does this make your body feel? How does your body feel when you hold this soft blanket, or how does your body feel when you listen to this kind of music, or if you have this fidget in your hand, right? And so again, you're helping them connect the sensations in their body to words that they can express.
SPEAKER_00:I love that. And curi that curiosity goes a long way to bolstering the relationship.
SPEAKER_01:I heard someone once say that if you just watch your kids like when they're playing and stuff like that, that they're naturally going to do the things that calm them down. So if you can kind of if they like start to twirl or if they like to skip or things like that, then you can kind of look for interventions that would go along along those lines. Their body's telling them what they they want to do without even them being aware of it.
SPEAKER_03:You know, we had a set of house parents out here who several house parents do this, but but in particular, this group had, you know, a regulation toolbox and it was actually a box and it had things like ankle weight that kids could wrap around ankles or wrists, it had some kinetic sand, it had a maraca, it you know, it had all sorts of tools, and the kids got to pick and choose and experiment, and they really figured out what was regulating to each one of them just through trial and error.
SPEAKER_01:So, how can caregivers maintain a regulation schedule during travel or transitions or other chaotic seasons of life?
SPEAKER_00:I think it might help to front load them and maybe what to expect. Things don't always go as planned. So you have to have some flexibility in that. But if they know, you know, we're only gonna go 50 more miles and then we're gonna stop at the hotel that we already have reserved. I don't know, it could kind of put some predictability into that into that chaotic situation.
SPEAKER_03:One of my children really benefited from a list. And so if I could say, here's the list, you know, here's what travel today looks like and then where we're gonna stop and here's what it looks like, you know, so that she had a physical reference for it just provided her some structure instead of I have no idea what's gonna happen. You know, that just didn't work very well. And and you know, she's grown today, but is still a very organized, methodical. If she plans her own trips, there's a schedule, there's a plan because it just helps her brain coordinate the chaos of a trip.
SPEAKER_04:I think front loading is so important. And I think one of the one of the worst decisions I made as a house parent was I decided I was gonna surprise my home with a trip on a Saturday off campus, and it did not go well at all, at all. So yeah, no more surprises. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So what encouraging, so what encouragement would you give to a parent who's exhausted or overwhelmed and just worried that they're not doing it right?
SPEAKER_03:I don't know any parent who hasn't felt that at some moment. So I say that to say if you feel that way, you are certainly not alone. And it's really easy to compare yourself to parents who look like they have it all together. But in reality, we are learning to parent as we go. And we could do a whole podcast about ways we've screwed this up. I don't want to be on that one, Josh, but but I just think, you know, number one, no, you're not alone. And we've we've done other podcasts about this too is just looking for community where you can find support from other parents if that. Your church or other parents whose children attend the same schools. You do I think if if you can be vulnerable and reach out to another parent and say, I'm really struggling with, you're gonna open up a safe place for other parents to share with you as well.
SPEAKER_01:I think that's so important. They may not even have answers for you, but just the fact that someone's in it with you and that you're not alone really can really help bolster you and make you feel like you can actually make it.
SPEAKER_04:I think it's okay for our kids too to see us take care of ourselves when we're feeling that way. Like that's how they're going to learn. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, this is something I could do. Or when I'm really tired, I need rest. And if we're not modeling what we want our kids to learn, then they're going to not learn how to take care of themselves. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And so maybe if we see another parent struggling, we can invite that conversation. Maybe like, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Or what can I do to help you?
SPEAKER_01:All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If this helped regulate you more than your morning cup of coffee or Earl Grey tea, leave us a five-star review and tell a friend. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email is address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure and leave a link in the description. And as always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
