Brain Based Parenting
Brain Based Parenting, The Boys Ranch Podcast for families.
We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling.
Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch has to offer.
Contact us: email
podcasts@calfarley.org
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To Apply:
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For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
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Brain Based Parenting
Love And Curiosity: Super Powers for Parents
Love doesn’t mean letting everything slide—and control doesn’t equal respect. We unpack how unconditional love and everyday curiosity can turn power struggles into connection, accountability, and growth, especially when kids are stressed, withdrawn, or pushing limits.
We dig into practical tools you can use tonight: “tell me about it” questions that replace assumptions, “I notice” statements that show you’re tuned in, and the ten‑second pause that stops a blow‑up before it starts. You’ll hear how to set firm boundaries without losing warmth, how bedtime debriefs become mini after‑action reviews, and how small repairs after a misstep build more trust than perfect parenting ever could. We also tackle harder realities—what curiosity looks like in under‑resourced homes, how to handle feedback from school without shaming your child, and why unconditional belonging doesn’t cancel consequences.
Along the way, we explore moral imagination—helping kids consider other viewpoints, own their part, and choose better next time. When families lead with love and curiosity, kids don’t just behave when watched; they internalize values and carry them into adolescence and adulthood. Expect fewer sneaky workarounds, more honest conversations, and a home your kids choose to return to.
d.
Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org
To Donate:
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T
To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/
For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/
Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402
Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.
SPEAKER_03:Hello and welcome. Today we're going to talk about the power of love and curiosity in raising kids.
SPEAKER_02:To do that today, I'm joined by Sam Sterna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities.
SPEAKER_01:Chloe Hewitt, Youth Programs Administrator.
SPEAKER_03:All right, let's kick off with our question of the day. Since we're going to be talking about the best superpowers a parent can have, I thought I'd ask you who's your favorite superhero and why?
SPEAKER_01:Come on, Sam, I feel like this is an easy question for you.
SPEAKER_02:There's just so many. I I guess I don't know. I've always liked Superman since I was a kid, and that's probably the first superhero I ever heard of. And why is, well, he's really strong. He's not really scared of much, and kind of somebody that I didn't always feel I was, and that this is and he always does the right thing.
SPEAKER_01:I think it's Captain America, mainly because I think he looks like my husband. And so I I it just my my husband's blonde hair blue-eyed, so I think he looks like my husband. But I also like that he tries to do the right thing and uh, you know, he's rooting for America, so I'll take that.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah. I'm I'm Sam, I was gonna say Superman too, for some of the same reasons, but I I just love the the when I was a kid, the Superman, I don't know, might have been little cheat cheesy cartoons or something of him, or maybe it was even that cheesier old production. But he would be saving the world from like giant comet alien mothership, or I don't know, whatever. And then he'd hear a little cry from like a little old lady that was about ready to fall off a bridge somewhere or something, and he would stop everything, go to save that little old lady first, and the whole time you're thinking, Well, you don't have time for that, you know. But it was it was important enough to yeah, that that he just valued people that way. So that was one of my Superman things that I liked. Said a lot about his character.
SPEAKER_03:Trevor Burrus, Jr. I'm not gonna add much to the conversation. Superman is my favorite, always been my favorite too. And for all those same reasons, he's always gonna do the right thing and figure it out, even when it seems impossible.
SPEAKER_02:So even that he has so much restraint and all the power. And this is not that kind of podcast. Me and Josh talk about opening another podcast. We just talk about all this junk. But yeah. I mean, having all that strength and power and everything, and still showing restraint and being kind, um, even to the bad guys.
SPEAKER_05:Yep, that's what I like about his yeah. So I guess the only thing working against him is he doesn't look like your husband, Chloe.
SPEAKER_01:He doesn't. So I mean Captain America is still where it's at for me.
SPEAKER_03:So we think of love and curiosity as parenting superpowers. So what do these words actually mean in day-to-day parenting?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think but I really think the love looks like unconditional love. I really hope that my kids feel that as much as I can do that, right? I'm I'm I'm imperfect, but I hope that they just feel like I unconditionally love them that no matter what they do, that they're that they know there's still love there. And I think that that's hard to give at times, but that's what I think it means to me. And the curiosity piece, I think, means meeting them where they're at and being understanding, even at through difficult times, because sometimes in our nature it's just automatic to want to be defensive back or just to depending on what I've had going on that day, it's a really hard for me to be calm. And so that's kind of what I think is just being understanding and willing to be open-minded.
SPEAKER_02:Curiosity, you know, the word curio is in there. And uh to me, I think a curio is like a little treasure, right? And so there's treasure in being curious about what's going on, you know, from the youngest kid learning things and or they have a they say something or do something, you know. Obviously, I think there's something about thinking about hey, what what made that happen? Like what bad or good, right? Like, wow, that's hey, that's new. Where did you learn that? Like how did you how did you figure that out? Or you know what I mean? Like, and so that's it's a superpower, I think, because there's there's only only those who know the kid well and they deal with them daily um have the ability to to kind of see what it's almost like have an x-ray vision, right? Yeah you know, instead of just punishing whatever happens or whatever, just be curious about it. Wow, that's interesting, that's new, or giving praise when it's appropriate. Because sometimes curiosity in us unlocks different pathways for us to explore the next new thing for a kiddo.
SPEAKER_03:So why do you believe that these two qualities, love and curiosity, are more effective than control and cor correction alone?
SPEAKER_01:Well, I think we all want that, right? Like I don't think it's necessarily even just for kids. I think whenever I make a mistake, I really appreciate when someone is willing to just be loving or if I'm having a bad response. You know, we had an applicant just today like bring up that she that would kind of off and she and her coworker thought she was being rude, and then she was like, but my cat had died that morning, right? And so no one had finally asked her why her temperament was different. And if they had just asked, they would have found out that there was a reason behind it. And I think we all want to be treated that way because sometimes on our worst moments, there's probably a reason why.
SPEAKER_02:You know, that being that we're um that people are meant to be in groups, right? Love love is kind of what keeps the groups together. I it's hard to exp explain love, right? Love, love to me is is it's intangible, it's something that you just feel. And so us being in groups, right? The the love part of it all is is like I said, it keeps it like a glue. And I think though uh matched with curiosity, it's more effective because control is um a byproduct of fear, right? People are scared of something, so they gotta control it. But when you have when you love somebody and and you're curious about what they're doing, that's less about control and more about finding a way to be together. Again, like I said before, figuring out figuring out where do I go from here. Cause yeah, surely I can control a small child while while they're young, but they're gonna get they're gonna get bigger. And that as they become teenagers, I I don't have as much control, no matter how much I want to have it. And it usually doesn't work out well. You know what I mean? Like instead of being cooperative, you're you're just being coercive and things like that.
SPEAKER_05:We all want to be understood, don't we? I'm with somebody that gives me that grace where I could tell they really want to understand me, brings out the best in me, and I feel valued by that person and respected. And don't you think then trust level goes up in that relationship and it and it does uh draws us closer together, don't you think? And when you're talking about parenting, well then it works out to where when you're not in the room, there's just a lot better chance that those things that are important to you are gonna get practiced the right way, even when you're not there to observe, where the control and the correction and the coercion doesn't work that way, does it? I mean, it seems like our our loved ones just our relationships aren't strong and we just have sneaky people around us instead of loyal people.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's that's right. You know, one of the things I remember about being a kid is when I wasn't really told the reason why I couldn't do something, I was more apt to want to find out. You know what I'm you know what I mean? And so it it it's interesting. You know, telling telling a person no, it it really stifles their curiosity, it it stifles their exploration versus having a conversation about, hey, here's why it's important that right now we can't just go off and do XYZ. You know, I found it when my when my mom would tell me, hey, we can't now or right now, and here's why. That was way better explanation than just a hard no. Also, these people, uh these kids are gonna they're gonna be adults one day, right? And you know, it's interesting because I my my both kids are now adults making their own decisions, and I'm just praying that my the value systems I instilled come out. At first there's some rebellion. But one of the things I I realized, I was talking to my daughter last month, and I realized she's at my level. Like I'm I'm her dad, but we're I mean, I'm not in charge of her anymore. She's we're we have to be cooperative. And now she still sees us in a different way. We're her parents, we have ideas and judgments, and but I it was really interesting when we were talking. I just said, Hey, why can't you just hey if there's something wrong, why can you just tell us? You know, you're grown, I'm grown, and let's just talk about it and let's let's make it let's make it work. I think that told her something too. Like she didn't realize it, right? And and that's what I mean is one day we're all gonna be at this kind of the same level, you know?
SPEAKER_01:Like well, and I think too, I I think about if you do, you know, kind of like what we've talked about is if you do control and you do correction, and typically you were parenting more than just one child. So for you know, then I have my other child in the room, right? Might hear some of it. So the moment I try to gain more control, I'm sure we've all witnessed this, then even maybe the other one starts to get out of control, right? Because it kind of has this ripple effect where if I remain calm and have grace and love, it usually means that both of them are going to receive that and it doesn't create more chaos. It's it's a simple thing. As we're sitting here, I was thinking about last night on my flight. Like I was on this flight and the flight attendant just from Dallas to Amarillo, so it was a very short flight. They were gonna do drinks. She brings the drinks and it dumps all over me. But it did. And I was in a white sweatshirt and I had my jacket on my legs, which I was like grateful because it was, you know, it was 20 degrees last night when I got home because it was late, late 10 10 p.m. flight. But I was grateful. I was like, well, it got on my jacket, so my legs aren't soaking wet. And the person next to me was like, I'm so glad you put your laptop up because she had asked me to go to the bathroom and I was like, Well, I'm not gonna keep it back out because then I'm trying to maneuver. She was on the middle seat. So she was like, I'm glad your laptop was up. Me too. It didn't get my work laptop all drenched. And the guys next to me had extra napkins, so they're giving them to me. The flight attendant just the whole time was like, I'm so sorry, over and over and over. And I said, It's really okay. We're all great. But I remember thinking, and so as we were thinking, I remember thinking we all just kept giving her grace and all and it was not a big deal. But I wondered when I got home, like if I had responded not that way, how would her night have gone? Or even if I had escalated, would the others have escalated too? You know, like because what I realized is our behavior can affect the others, which we talk about all the time. The calm brain calms others.
SPEAKER_03:In what ways does unconditional love create emotional safety for kids?
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think it allows them the freedom to have all their emotions. I think if we don't give them unconditional love, then they don't necessarily feel like they can express even anger or sadness, and so they hold it all in. And so I think at times that my kids have the hardest moments, which there are still some of those now because they're still learning to control their emotions. I remind myself that they feel safe enough to show me that about themselves.
SPEAKER_02:I think unconditional love is it's liberating. Like you just said, I hey, I can I can just be me, I can mess up, I can go about my world and no matter what, and even when I get in trouble, those people are gonna take care of me and and they they care for me. And that's safe. That's the basis of safety is I have my my tribe still loves.
SPEAKER_05:Yeah, you're you're standing in family, community, it's not in jeopardy. And that you talked about I think you used the word fear a while ago, Sam. Boy, that's a hard place to live if that's always hanging in the balance. Like, am I gonna be able to still be part of your life or this family or this community? Or when I blow it, is that mean banishment? And that that's a that's a terrible place to live, isn't it?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, one of the things I've talked about that before on the podcast that I actually repeat words that I believe about my kids each night before they go to bed and about each of them. But one of the things I also asked them at the end of the night before they go to bed, is there anything in this world that can make mom not love you? And and they say, No, mom loves us. And so I make them because I want them to believe that. And I read that, you know, the younger they are, the more you have them repeat, then that kind of it really does internalize for them.
SPEAKER_05:And that that might sound to a listener somewhat as uh permissiveness as if, well, anything goes and and there's not any healthy discipline in play. It's just all bets are off and anything goes. How would you balance that?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you know, I mean, I think that's a great question, Mike. I think we, you know, we've had the conversation that no matter what happens, you still have to talk with us, you know, that we're gonna have a conversation about it. And so it's not necessarily that their behavior is always excused, but it is that I I love you to the ends of the earth, and that's my that's my love for you. And so I think that that's one of the things I talk about frequently, and and I don't have this, but I have friends that do. I know that hopefully I never end up in jail, but I wouldn't hesitate one moment to call either of my parents, and I hope my kids feel the same way towards me, you know, in my darkest moments that that I wouldn't be afraid to reach out to my parents. So I think when I think of that statement, that's what I want them to feel is that if they did make a mistake, that I could be one of their first phone calls.
SPEAKER_05:Love does not dishonor others, it's not self-seeking, it's not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And I think about that always hopes piece. It's very close to this whole thing about being curious, isn't it? It's like what what's what's going on here really? Yeah, because they're I'm believing you're believing something good about this person that's worthwhile. And and let's unpack this and find out what's going on, right?
SPEAKER_04:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So how can parents show love even when they're frustrated, tired, or dealing with misbehavior?
SPEAKER_01:Well, you know, I think we've talked about that too on here before, but I don't think necessarily setting a boundary or being firm means that there isn't love in that. And so I'm curious what y'all would say too. But I think a lot of that for me looks like even walking away. If I know I'm not going to respond well in the moment, I walk away and then come back. Because I would rather do that than have a bad interaction back towards them. And so also allowing them to see that I have grace for myself in the moments that it's hard. But also, I mean, you will get a consequence or you will have, we will have a discussion, not just because, but because I love you. Because off, you know, I think about that all the time. My parents gave me correction. God gives us correction. And so I think a lot of that is naturally what we need to do to show them love.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I think one of the worst unloving things you can do is let your kids get away with everything. Yeah. Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, well said. Yeah, I think having when when somebody's all those things, frustrated, tired, you're dealing with all this stuff. I mean, this Chloe said it perfect. I I think it's fair to be honest and say, hey, right now it's not the time for me to have this, or right now's not the time. Let's keep everybody, let's get everybody safe and then we're listening they know it's coming, right? You know what I mean? And and you and I think it was well said. When I'm mad, there's no good thing that's gonna come out of my mouth. You know, and and that's you know, everything, you know what that you just don't act right. And I I think it's very very fair to be honest with somebody and just say, hey, right now this it's not time for this conversation. We need to table this, but we're we're gonna talk and go take a break. I got one and we'll we'll can reconvene. You know.
SPEAKER_05:That that question, though, that's such an important question about how parent how can you show love even when you're you know frustrated, tired, dealing with misbehavior. We have had interning at our chapel before. We had some interns from overseas and and had an intern once from a country that was very under-resourced and really has a history of civil war and regional wars. So things are so just a suffering region. Poverty, there's a lot of missing males because of war. Under-resourced moms in this case, trying to raise a bunch of children, and that really was a problem. And the the interns pointed out to me that our training here at Cal Farley's was very impressed with it and came to realize those under-resourced and stressed moms hardly had the time to be curious, to have these conversations, and to really love well like this. They were just trying to survive the day. So they had to revert to what's the quick, easy way to keep things in order, and it really is a leaning more into control. So that's I would say under-resourced homes are it is gonna be a harder thing to really have the time to do this right. Would you say, Chloe?
SPEAKER_01:Oh no, I agree. You know, I think what I would say is kids are amazingly resilient. And what I have found in that I'm I talked to a kid today, and her and the parents have been struggling forever. And she said to me in that conversation, Yeah, but uh, they've been doing so well and I still had a bad moment, but I want them to know that I'm seeing that they're trying better. And so I think that even in those moments, they still see when we're trying, I think. And it's all about the restorative, right? We've talked about that a lot on this show that if you come back and apologize or you come back and say, Hey, I didn't do that right, here's what I could have done different. Sure. They get they can gain from that because we're not perfect. And and when you're under resourced, you're gonna, I can tell you right now, when I am exhausted and not doing well, my husbands weren't working extra days, I'm probably not where I could be at my top percent. And they're gonna get more of a sharper response.
SPEAKER_05:I mean, this sounds, I guess, the preacher in me to really believe that that God came on my behalf seeing me at my very worst and came for me and to the point would would die for me, if I could always look at those people around me, even when they're at their worst, and even difficult people or if you have a difficult child under your roof, but to always see them as a gift, that's a game changer, even if we are underresourced, if I can continue to see even the difficult people in my in the room and in my life as a as a gift, because they really are.
SPEAKER_03:So, what does it look like to a parent with curiosity instead of assumptions?
SPEAKER_02:Well, that's tough, that's tough, you know, because I I had a I struggle with this one personally when my kids were teenagers, because you know, my number one priority is keeping them safe. And so when I don't know, they're not home on time, I'm assuming the worst. Like, hey, this there was somebody, or they're with the opposite gender, or they're you know what I mean, or they're doing something they're not supposed to do. And you know that that's not a great place to be. One, it creates a lot of conflict within the family. You don't trust me, dad. You don't, you know, this or that. I was just doing this, and same thing like in a marriage, right? If you don't have trust with your children or your spouse, you know, you know, just there's nothing but conflict. So fortunately, you know, there's things now like we what we ended up talking to our kids. We we gave them cell phones when they were teenagers, and it was really nice because I could track them, I could know where they are, I could it made me feel better because I think for me it was a protective instinct. It wasn't that I don't trust my kid. I think that I think that I raised them well and they pretty had a pretty good head on their shoulders, but I was still that's where my mind goes first, is whoa, I'm assuming what happened. Another thing that irritated me as a kid is when somebody assumed I did something I didn't do. And Chloe, we talked about this today about a kid, right? Somebody, somebody assumed they didn't get the whole story, and now I'm the one in trouble, right? And I'm like, that's not what happened. That that's that you don't understand, like this other. And so, right, that that can happen with any, not just parents, it happens at schools all the time, it happens all the time, you know. And kids have the least amount of voice at times, right? And it really does feel it's very defeating uh for a child when somebody doesn't listen to them.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I think it's hard as a parent, I'll be honest. So if a teacher gives me feedback, my first inclination is to respond and get and kind of get on to my kids, right? Because one, I feel like it's a personal, like, oh, I didn't do a good job as a parent. And so I need to correct because we take it personally. And so recently, and I and I don't think I've talked about that, but my son got in trouble at school right before his teacher conference, the day before me and my husband were supposed to meet with his teacher. And he got in trouble over a water bottle, but he should he came up to me crying when I picked him up from school and I said, Hey, what's wrong? And he shook me off. He he's a lot like his dad. He doesn't want to tell me till he's ready to tell me. And so I didn't push at bedtime. He finally told me that another kid was chasing him around the room and had his water bottle and he was trying to get it back from him, but he's the one that got caught running in the classroom. So he got all the feedback and his teacher got onto him a lot. And so the next day we had the T Hair and Teacher conference, and she tells me, I'm really did he tell you what happened? I said, he didn't for several hours. And so she said, Well, I got on to him really hard because I expect a lot from him and he normally doesn't act up. I said, That's I said, that's fine. He shouldn't have been running in your room. And I said, Did he discuss with you what happened? And she said, Yes. And then I apologized because I didn't know the whole story. And so what I thought was interesting, and I was actually really proud of the teacher, she didn't have to stop and ask him what had happened because he was trying to tell her that day, but she didn't hear it from him. At the end of the day, she was exhausted. It was right before pickup. But I was proud in that moment that she did that because it's hard as a parent as well. Like I could have just responded bad, but I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna figure it out later. And there are days that I do that. So all the time.
SPEAKER_05:That seems like to come and and I want to be careful how this comes across, but to ask a question rather than jump to a conclusion, right? And that that's kind of what both of Chloe, you and Sam were saying, but to ask a a a loving question, not Not an inquisition type question. That's I guess that's what I was wanting to be careful about. Because if it's uh putting somebody right away on the defensive with that kind of question, that's not what I'm talking about, but just a loving question. I don't know. You know, my role with uh say with the kids here at Boys Ranch over the years, you know, might be s shocked to know that not every kid likes me every single minute of the day. And that that just still just blows my mind. But when you'd see a kid that was having a hard time, and of course, right away, we might always want to assume, well, it's all about me and take it personal, and usually it's not. I'm not that big a deal, right? You would just uh the thing that I would do, the question I would ask that just seemed like it just always worked, even for the kid that I didn't have a close relationship with, or maybe, maybe they even had some negative feelings towards me or whatever. But when they were in a bad space and doing something in the room that was about to push my buttons, to just come alongside and gently just say, Hey, and I'd just gesture and tap my heart and I'd say, How you doing here? And not in a way that was condescending, like, hey, you're acting bad, and I'm trying to point that out, but just really like I really care is how you doing here. And that all of a sudden changed instead of just the behavior in the room. They're like, Okay, somebody really cares, like maybe there is some stuff going on. And you know, sometimes then it seems like they usually would appreciate that you cared and asked that question. And maybe sometimes they even wanted to tell you and it would open up a conversation, sometimes not, but it it definitely helped relationship.
SPEAKER_02:You know, it's interesting how you can go to work and be one person and go home and be another person, you know. And we we work in childcare, and yeah, yeah, you know, and uh specifically in this room, you know, we we lead adults as well, and there's times just the real of it all, I just can't go just tell adults stuff. I just can't go and say you did XYZ and you know, I can't talk, I can't be rude, I could really can't be demeaning. One reason is we're trying to set an example. Two is yeah, well, there's there's HR, there's laws and things. But here's what I'm here's what I'm getting to is we do what's called a a tell me about it meeting, right? Tell me about it. Ask the ask the person, hey, what happened? So it's one of the things you you know you kind of take into the house. Hey, instead of just making an assumption and making an instant correction or whatever, hey, let me just let me ask. My first instinct now is to ask, hey, tell me about that. What was that about?
SPEAKER_05:That's a nice way to that that tell me about is a nice invitation, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Just be specific. What do I want? What do I want to talk about? Hey, tell me about what happened with this thing. And just let them tell it. No interjections, just tell me your side, you know, and they tell me. And it's cool because we can find out nuggets. Oftentimes, if I'm director, I already know, or I looked at film, whatever it is, right? And I already know and I've made it, I've made the conclusion. I usually find that I missed something. They might say there's there was this extenuating circumstance that happened, or I was distracted, or some other thing, right? That's adults, right? What I'm getting to also is man, we give adults the benefit of the doubt often. And we don't often give children the benefit of the doubt. And which is which I mentioned was one of my big irritants, which also creates a can create a child who doesn't trust adults, who is more sneakier, or who might think, hey, it doesn't really matter if I do the right thing, I still get in trouble anyway. Right. And those are those, those are those mindsets that that we gotta shift in. No matter how tired we are, how frustrated we are, it's very simple to just say, tell me about it.
SPEAKER_05:I like that Sam because what you're saying is obviously tell me about it. Okay, child might give us a runaround, and they're telling me about it might be a um a new version of reality, right? So that's of course that happens. But what we learn in the training room here to take them seriously, you're that's what I'm able to do there to suspend judgment, let them tell me about it, you know, and there might be a bunch of false things coming out in the room, whatever, but to suspend judgment, take them seriously, it seems like our relationship is gonna not only is it not gonna get strained, but it in the middle of figuring this out, and it's probably gonna strengthen, isn't it?
SPEAKER_02:Exactly. Because oftentimes you have evidence, you know things happened, you know something was missing, whatever it is, right? Or you caught somebody stealing, red-handed, you saw the you saw your kid do it. Hey tell me about tell me about that. And they they tell you, well, I felt like I needed it, I know you didn't have money, and whatever, right? And then you try to find out where they're coming from. And no matter what that consequence is, whatever, the whole point is you had this con you had this conversation of connection, which leads to all the things we're talking about. The connection, the the relationship is way is more important because these people are gonna be us in the future.
SPEAKER_05:And and with all that, I'm I'm preaching to my myself right now, but I have to be so careful to not be trying to set them as I'm doing what you just said, to see them as a gift in front of me, just be suspending judgment instead of me already having this judgment made and just setting them up to be wrong for me to be right, whatever. And and they're just an object at that point rather than a real gift and a real human being in my presence. So to continue to see them as a gift or trying to work through maybe a hard moment with this conversation, but that curiosity is definitely in play, isn't it? Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03:So where do you see love and curiosity overlapping in the healthiest parent-child relationships?
SPEAKER_01:You know, if I'm honest, I see it when I'm struggling and my kids now can ask me what's going on. So in in my four-year-old, I've said that before, is really good at empathy. She has such a high empathy that even now she'll pick up on, did you have a hard day, mama? Is something else going on? And so I think that it's remarkable when they can start mirroring it back to you. Or if it's not necessarily you, watching them do it to friends. Because they watch, we talk about this all the time, they watch how we treat others, they watch how we respond to situations. So I think you see it healthy when they are not afraid to do it with their peers or with you.
SPEAKER_03:So, how does curiosity help parents express love more accurately to their child's specific needs?
SPEAKER_02:When I'm being respectful and I'm, like I said earlier, I'm asking questions to kids, maybe taking their side when I need to. Talk about my mom a lot of the podcast. My mom was my primary caregiver my whole life. And that lady will go to war for me. I mean, that war, right? Even if I was in the wrong or or but if I was mistreated in any way, you know, that lady went to war for me. I knew that she loved me. And I knew that even in my part, when I could well obviously I had to be honest, that sometimes I got in trouble. But the other adults overreact, and she's not gonna let me be treated that way. And that's love. I mean, she she fought for me, my brother, and if anyone ever did anything, I mean that there wasn't there's no greater statement than, hey son, you messed up, but there you're not gonna be treated like that.
SPEAKER_01:I think too, I like that you said that because I it makes me think of my dad. My my dad had this ability. I think I get a lot of my leadership skills from my dad, but he had this ability that when a situation was hard for me or if I wasn't getting along with someone, I would talk with him about it as a kid. And he would always say, Well, what could you have done differently, Chloe? How could you look at it from their point of view? And so I really think that he didn't just make me be curious about myself, he made me be curious about the others that I was interacting with. Or even my mom. My mom and me struggled a lot growing up. I was like, it was that typical teenage girl and mom relationship. But my dad would always say, Well, what do you think your mom thinks, or what do you think she's trying to say to you? And so he really did tailor that because I was an inquisitive kid. I wanted to know the why all the time. And so he would not just he would make me work through it with him. And so I think that that is what I would say. He helped me be curious about others.
SPEAKER_05:Wow, that that is beautiful. That's a wonderful gift to invite some really helps cultivate more imagination. I mean, when you get right down to it with all this, what when our relationships suffer, we really there's a lack of imagination in the room, right? Where we could start to imagine what this person looks like when they're at their best, how should they be, you know, seeing that, wondering what might be going on behind the scenes. But then when I blow it, like Chloe said, what could I have done differently? That's a wonderful way to process with the child. What could I have done differently? Really, you could say helps develop a moral imagination. That's where we start to see, have more awareness and start to wonder, you know, what what might be going on and help them become more curious. Not not only are we trying to practice curiosity, but you your dad was inviting you into that, wasn't he?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I in in one of the stories, I've I had a teacher I really struggled with growing up, and she really didn't believe in me, and she had kind of told my parents I was gonna fail first grade. They didn't tell me any of that. They hid all of it. They had meetings every week at the school and they were kind of battling, but they never told me. To me, they told me I had to try my hardest, continue to do well at school. It wasn't until I was older that I knew that they had had all these parent-teacher conferences. They hid all that from me, really, because they wanted me, they were battling, but they also wanted me to continue to do my best and not, or even they never wanted me to believe what she believed about me. So they really and then when I got an award in fifth grade, they mailed it to her when I graduated high school and when I graduated from college with honors. They very much like really and I didn't know any of that until I was an adult. My dad said I did all that. And I so I think it bothered them as a parent, but they wanted me to know that they weren't gonna. I guess they didn't want me to think I fought their they fought my battles, but they also wanted to know that I was they were still in my corner. So it is funny how you know they were being curious with me, but they weren't telling me behind.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, the peak behind the curtain when you're part of the club now. You know, it's kind of great, you know. Yeah, oftentimes we don't know the the we don't like I I tell people all the time, I don't know what the adults were doing around me when I was a kid. They I don't know the whole story of what happened or why this happened or whatever, you know. But I tell people all the time, hey, everybody's got a reason that they do stuff.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:That that's a pretty cool peak behind the curtain, you know. Sometimes I'll ask my mom questions like, hey, what happened in this situation? You know, like why why was this that, or why did you decide that? You know, it's really interesting. One is the reason why they did it. Yeah, right. There was like a bigger piece that only we can see the smaller.
SPEAKER_05:But but it's it becomes a lot easier to practice forgiveness that all relationships with have to have that in play. But it and to have compassion forgiveness if we uh have that kind of curiosity, doesn't it? You know, I wonder, I wonder why they're acting that way or why right, miss suspend judgment, be curious.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So how can parents use curiosity to understand the root causes of feelings of anxiety, anger, or withdrawal in their children?
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I think being intentional about it, it's kind of like I said earlier. My son was upset when I picked him up from school, and I was like, okay, I could push him, but then is that just gonna create more anxiety or frustration? And it definitely is gonna create more withdrawal from him. So I just decided we would go home, play, and I would ask at bedtime because usually I had also read that that you're gonna get more information at bedtime. That that last 10 to 15 minutes is the world kind of calms down and then they're ready to talk a little bit. And and so I could have pushed harder, but I also just decided to let him lead, right? We talk about that all the time, right? Follow the lead. And so I was like, I'm gonna take your lead today, and maybe by the end of the day, you tell me what's really going on. And so I think that you can kind of lean into that a little bit because we don't always know what's going on. Because unfortunately, there is a lot that they I think about that all the time. The amount of expectations put on even uh kids once they start school is unbelievable. You've got to sit in your seat every day, you have 20 minutes to eat lunch. You know, recently we found out that our son, if he doesn't get his snacks out of his backpack, he doesn't get snacks for the whole day. So already in first grade, that's an expectation for him. And so he didn't get snacks one day. And so I think that we don't the amount that they're put under, we just don't understand. And so we we should be curious.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's that's one of the things I talked about in the past before too. We only control we can only control what we do in our household, maybe. Environmental things happen, other kids, other people gotta watch our kids, they interact with other kids. And so uh I like I really like your thought process about talking at night, you know, when it's quiet and it's just you and we don't have anything going on, even if we're tired. I think that's really important. And when I was in the military, we you know, we do obviously operations and things like that, and then at the end you have to do an after action review, right? You know, here's what went well, here's what didn't go well, you know. And during during the battle, for example, right, decisions have to be made, consequences are issued on on the battlefield. Your decisions have choices and all you gotta deal with all that out there. But when it's time when everybody comes home and it's peace, we have to now do better, right? So we're giving our battlefield assessments and we're giving here's our part. You know, my tank got destroyed because I went left instead of right, whatever it is, right? That's cool. You know, meet meet with your kids because in in the daytime is the battle, right? We're we're battling all day. My stuff, their stuff, my spouse's stuff, my co-workers, you know, the the parents and the teachers of the children and all these battles you have to fight all day, all these decisions you have to make. And at the end of the night, stop, talk, find out, right? Because they're what I like about that is, you know, when I was a kid, nobody asked me, hey Sam, what are you stressed about? Why are you so quiet? You know, these things happen in your day and you take them, you take them every day and up into your adulthood. And so what I'm saying is the things you can control is things like that. When can I spend time? When can I make time? That can I take five minutes and and just ask instead of just sitting around wondering what happened. Why is this kid losing their mind every day or what? You know, instead of passing judgment, I can just ask them. And then also look at stuff. I mean, if you know your child has experienced some trauma, you know the environment you live in, and right? If it if it's a bad neighborhood, whatever it is, i you know, there's only certain you can control, but we can decompress that stuff, right? We can we can talk about it and let's try to make things better for them. At least they can understand their environments.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and I think it's powerful. One of the things I think that you can use too is an I notice statement. Hey, I noticed you were quieter, right? Maybe you don't get anything out of them, but what you did give them is that you were attuned to something was different. And think about how powerful that is for even us as adults. If someone comes to me and says, I noticed this, and maybe there wasn't anything to it. But what if there was? And I recognize that my friend was so aware of even attuned to that something was off with me and cared enough to bring it up to me. Yeah. So I think that even as adults and kids, we all want to be seen.
SPEAKER_05:I was just thinking, what what is the oh the the making deposit? How does how does that go?
SPEAKER_03:Oh, and the piggy bank when you meet a kid's needs, that's positive to their emotional piggy bank.
SPEAKER_05:But but that that boy, what you just said, even if it didn't unfold into uh a big conversation or whatever that you noticed, that's making a that's definitely making a deposit, isn't it? A positive deposit. That's beautiful. I have this, I just shared my testimony in a church a couple weeks ago, and this is a prayer that because I I I have this terrible tendency to judge people, and uh I I don't I'm maybe the only guy out of eight billion people on the planet that has this problem, but and the prayer is goes like this Lord, help me see difficult people as a gift, help me love them with unassuming curiosity that seeks to understand rather than judge, that I might extend the same grace that you have shown me. Amen.
SPEAKER_02:That's good. That's beautiful.
SPEAKER_03:So, how do you help parents avoid jumping to conclusions and instead pause long enough to ask good questions?
SPEAKER_01:Really, the open-endedness can do you so much. Tell me about what happened and then what happened. So if they start telling you, and then you just say, and then what happened, right? Instead of just starting to ask them yes-no questions, just continue to leave it open-ended is what I would say. But also have grace for yourself when you do jump to the conclusions. Because I'm gonna say that I do that probably on a weekly basis where I I've just had a million things I'm dealing with throughout the day. So then when they give me something, I've already jumped to, they didn't brush their teeth like I asked them to, even though they did. And so I think trying to remember that you're gonna do it sometimes, and that's okay because we're human. And so having grace for yourself, but that's what I would say. Pause long enough to just keep it all open-ended questions.
SPEAKER_05:That is so important. That pause. But you need and Chloe, you talked earlier about sometimes even stepping out for a moment if you didn't think you were in a good space where maybe you're about to blow it. Boy, I that that serves me well, that natural tendency to to judge where we have that quick knee-jerk reaction with might might be your children, might be a difficult person, whatever. But if I could just wait and take a breath and let that breath be a prayer where I'm intentionally just suddenly aware of one, my my inner stuff, if I'm kind of getting hijacked and then just inviting God's grace into this moment, I mean, literally, just a breath, which is just a second, and then ask or share, or check in, or whatever it is. But even as good as all the this coaching is that we just shared right now, if I'm hijacked, even though my voice isn't raised and I might be saying the right things, you can be assured that my my young friend senses that hijack, like that I'm not liking them right now and I'm not seeing them as a gift. So that little breath and check-in that or pause, as you say, Josh, I think is critical for for this to really be a loving interaction.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and I people I joke about this, which is not necessarily parenting, but it is what a skill I use at work regularly. And people that work with me know I have a timeout folder on my computer. So if I have an email that's hard for me and I I can put it in timeout and come back, I leave it unread. I read it and then I moved it back to unread because I would rather respond when I'm gonna be good and calm.
SPEAKER_05:And so Is that where all my emails go?
unknown:You're not in here.
SPEAKER_01:You're not. But I also will, if I'm frustrated about a situation, I might process it with Sam or Jackson, my boss. And then I'll and then Jackson will usually ask me, okay, are you gonna address it? Yes, but not today, because I'm not in the space I can do it today. And I think that's okay to do that with our kids too. Like it's so much more beneficial to do it whenever I'm in a calm space than to do it not in a good space or give a tone or give a face, and they know it anyways. I might as well just wait.
SPEAKER_05:I think there's probably 15 emails of mine in that folder.
SPEAKER_01:I just stressed you out with knowing that, didn't I?
SPEAKER_03:What long-term difference do you see in a family that consistently leads with love and curiosity compared to those who don't?
SPEAKER_01:I think they want to come home more. I I think I I said this before, and I actually said this to my small group recently too, is that one day my children get to choose whether or not they get to spend time with me because they become the adults just like me, like what Sam was talking about. They become more on your level. And I hope and pray that they want to come home or they want to still continue to have a relationship with me because they get to choose someday if they do.
SPEAKER_05:They like being together.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:There's probably more laughter and the good kind of laughter, right?
SPEAKER_03:Well, I love that you joined us today, but I'm curious why you haven't given us a five-star review or subscribe. So please take care of that. As always, you might have to loan out your cortex today. Just make sure you remember and get it back.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.
