Social Skills: Teaching Kids To Read The Room pt 1

Want a child who can walk into any room, find their footing, and make a friend? We take a clear, practical look at social skills as a learnable toolkit—social awareness, self-awareness, emotional regulation, impulse control, adaptability, and communication—then show how to build each piece with modeling and step-by-step coaching. Rather than vague advice like “be respectful,” we translate key moments into repeatable actions: greet with eye contact and a steady voice, accept feedback without bristling, follow instructions with a simple four-step loop, and even disagree the right way with timing, tone, and repair.

Contact:
podcasts@calfarley.org 

To Donate: 
https://secure.calfarley.org/site/Donation2?3358.donation=form1&df_id=3358&mfc_pref=T

To Apply:
https://apply.workable.com/cal-farleys-boys-ranch/j/25E1226091/

For More Information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch:
https://www.calfarley.org/

Music:
"Shine" -Newsboys
CCS License No. 9402

Transcript

Welcome And Topic Overview

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprott.

Defining Core Social Skills

SPEAKER_01 0:29

Welcome back. Today we're going to talk about how to help kids develop healthy social skills.

SPEAKER_03 0:33

To do that, today I'm joined by Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities. And Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

So when we talk about social skills, what are we actually really referring to and what skills actually matter most?

SPEAKER_03 0:55

And you know, people kind of can be at a loss. Well, I guess I'll get I'll stick to the question, right? So I mean one of the things we talked about a lot is social awareness. I have no idea that what they're doing is creating them the a problem.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

So that's one example. Yeah, they kind of have the right notion but the wrong motion sometimes. They think they're doing the right thing, but it it just goes sideways for them.

Awareness, Regulation, And Adaptability

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Yeah, we were having that discussion about about a kiddo just yesterday, new tools and needing to build those, that tool set. I think what's really interesting is when we think about social skills, it's how how we socially interact with each other, right? Culturally interact, learning the the rules, the unspoken rules that are okay. Yeah. Um whether it's language, it's how we say it, it's what we say, the appropriate times to to do those things. It's how we introduce ourselves, it's how we know when to talk and when not to talk, how we make eye contact. There's so many pieces to social skills. And what I find is the the individuals that really want to socially connect really bad or like really bad are normally the ones that don't have the social skills, right? Or there's a there's a lacking piece, you know. Sam, you hit it on it with uh social awareness. And I talk a lot about, you know, one of the biggest things I look for in employees is some level of awareness, self-awareness, and how many times I've sat in meetings where you have these really hard conversations and a person will look at you and be like, I had no clue. And and you're like, Well, surely someone's talked to you, or maybe someone's told you. And I think that that awareness, social skills, takes people talking to us about it and us trying to pick those things up, but it's also learning those skills. It's important.

SPEAKER_03 2:26

I also consider you know how how clear people can communicate. You know, there's so many ways to communicate, verbal and nonverbal. Some people can articulate very well, yet their body postures and cues let you know that what they're saying isn't what they're actually meaning when they tell you things. So those there's but they're not aware of it. There's the ability to emotionally regulate, right? Can can this does this person just fly off the handle or can they take some feedback and and hear what you're saying? Impulse control. You gotta, hey, just because you think it doesn't mean you just do it, you know? And I think you touched on this. I also put adaptability in social settings, right? Hey, read the room, yeah. Read the room, right? When you're with your buddies, you can talk one way. When you're in the classroom, you you you gotta act a different way, or and and maybe, you know, there's these different areas that kids get put in that if they're not aware of how to act, they're gonna they're gonna fail or they're gonna have a really hard time with their peers, unless they're with a very like-minded peer group.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Well, I like the thought of adaptability, you know? Because we don't really think about that with social skills, but social skills is so like that adaptability on how you adapt. You know, you've talked about being a chameleon in a room before, like being able to adapt to the room depending on how the room is. You do that probably better than anyone I know.

Learning To Read The Room

SPEAKER_03 3:33

I'm glad to hear that because I had to learn that the hard way. That's probably could have been an embarrassing story. I mean, when when you're like it's like what I said, when you're with your friends, you can do and say things, and but like when you're doing a like, for example, for an adult who's if you're doing your current job, you know, you have one peer group, you can act a certain way. Interestingly, when you get promoted, not always is that same peer group gonna take jokes the same way or gonna take you know you the same way. And so I could talk with my my last team one way, you know, with this team, it's a whole different dynamic. And so having having the ability to go, hey, that's not working out for me. I'm not I'm not really fitting in here. What do I have to do better? Because I can't expect six people to act like me when I can maybe a little bit change and conform until we know each other. I think there's some kind of me middle ground to that. But but if you think about it, I mean that takes a high level of awareness to even realize yeah, hey, uh, everybody looked at me funny just now. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that. Right, you know.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Yeah. So do you think social skills are primarily taught, caught, or maybe a combination of both?

SPEAKER_02 4:28

Man, that's so good. I think the thought of of them being I think it depends on the uh environment, right? And depends on the age too. What age you are. I think the older you get, the easier it is to catch some of those things, and the younger it's obviously taught. So it's you know, it's it's like all all things kind of socially minded. It's a little bit of both, but man, the importance of teaching them and who teaches you and how they teach you those social skills are really important.

SPEAKER_03 4:52

Yeah, I mean, you hit it on the head. I yeah, I think it's both. I mean, you you catch it through modeling, right? Yeah, people model stuff. Like I still do things my dad did, make little comments my dad would make and that was 40 years ago or something. And I and I uh I I you know I still I still okay, so that's I picked that up from dad. But also, if I did something wrong, somebody taught me, hey, that's not how we do. One of the key ways I learned like to sit still, for example, is you know, when I would go with my grandparents, they went to a church. And uh, and you know, we my family didn't we didn't really go to church, so I didn't really but it's really neat because they took the time to tell me what what I'm how I'm supposed to act in this setting. We're you know, they were really smart, my grandparents. They brought me coloring books and little papers to write on, but my expectation was to hey, we gotta sit down here and be quiet. This isn't the time to to yell or talk loud and you know, and it really interesting when when I would forget, because I was probably a little I was a little kid, I would get that quick real redirection. It wasn't like a spank, it's just like a little tap cover, you know, cover her lips and say, shh, you know, hey, this is how we're supposed to act. You know, so that that was a blessing because that that followed me into adulthood. I know how to act at church. Yeah, and I wasn't in a praised man church at that time. We sat down quiet for two hours.

Taught Versus Caught Skills

SPEAKER_01 5:58

I remember Sam, you actually one time brought your grandson in to and you introduced him to me. And it was the one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Like you brought him in and he was probably what, four or five years old? Little, yeah. Little. You're like, this is my friend Josh, and I'd like you to meet him. Now here's how you're gonna do it. You're gonna say, put out your hand, shake his hand, and say, Hi, my name is, and nice to meet you. And I just thought that was such a smart thing to do at such a young age is to build those building blocks. And I think that's kind of what we have to do with kids. We have to be real intentional from the from very young, showing them how to interact with other people.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

Yeah, and maybe I'm too structured, right? But I I do believe in a lot of teaching because I I have I put I place a high value in social awareness of people because then if you're not aware, I mean, people can ostracize you, you become kind of a pariah unintentionally and unknowingly. You know, there was another time my that same grandson, we were him and I were having an outing and we went to a restaurant. It's an it's a kid's restaurant, but there's a lot of adults there. We went at lunchtime. We as we're going through the line, you know, he's grabbing on the poles and kind of swinging, and you know, I'm trying to so I I'm not being me, but I just said, Hey, look, hey, come over here, look around. Do you see anybody else doing that? And he looks around, he says, No, yeah, because what everybody's supposed to stand in line right now. That's what we're supposed to do right now. And uh then after we eat and stuff, when we go to the play area, we're gonna have some fun and we're gonna get it. You know what I mean? So yeah, it I I had to teach him that the two different rooms mean two different things, but you have to take the time to do that or they're not gonna develop the skill.

Step‑By‑Step Skill Instruction

SPEAKER_02 7:18

It's funny. I'm like, we're in a library, so I'm scanning the books, and there's a book in here that at one of the places, I think it's right down there, teaching teaching social skills to youth. And what it does is it breaks down all of this the different social skills and then step by step what that skill is. So, and at one of the places I worked, they would you would, you know, the goals they'd have five goals and they'd have five specific social skills that you'd teach, depending on the age of the kids. They'd have the 10, I think it was like eight to ten skills that every kid had to master. It was like introducting or introducing yourself, greeting someone, accepting feedback, following instructions. And with each of those, it would have a step-by-step. How do you follow instructions? Look at the person, say, okay, do the task, come back and check in. And so it it broke it down so specifically for those kids, but it was really helpful for kids that never had been taught any level of social skills, how to do those things. Now there were higher-level skills that I really loved, which were like disagreeing appropriately. So, like, you know, listening to the person, accept the feedback, come back five to ten minutes later, make eye contact, make sure that you're communicating clearly, accept the feedback afterwards. And so there's like a way on how to disagree. And I thought that that was so important because, you know, sometimes as an adult, the idea is accept feedback, accept a no answer, follow directions, follow the instructions I'm giving you, but or follow rules, but then teaching people how to disagree appropriately or how to do those higher level skills later on. I thought that was kind of the strength of that program. But it you had to kind of build on those on those first steps. And I thought that was kind of a cool deal, just having it broke broken down because there would be times when even you know, we learn these skills, but we don't know every step of the skill, right? So it was helpful.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

So, how do family culture and modeling shape a child's social ability long before school even starts?

SPEAKER_03 9:10

I mean, the family is your your core, right? So that's that's what, like I said before, that's and I got I picked up things from my dad, I picked up things for my mom, but you know, I always taught things like you know how to handle conflict, you know, when my brothers and I weren't, well my little brother and I weren't weren't vibing, you know, mom had to step in and show us how to how to make it right. Then I move into my neighbor my next door neighbor, my one of my good friends, and then we have a conflict. Well, an adult has to step in and show me how to handle conflict. So that's probably one of the main things because little kids kind of argue a lot a little bit, you know, where you get your you know emotional stuff. You know, I mean that's where I learned, you know, hey boys don't cry kind of thing. Because you know, I I disagree with now. But uh, you know, at the at that time that's what was modeled for me, right? Hey, be tough, yeah, you know, suck it up, you know, kind of thing, which there's some value to that, you know. Uh my dad had a lot of humor. You know, my dad was a real funny guy, so I I uh I model a lot of my dad in in the in the humor I use. So those are just examples that I had of kind of social skill modeling.

Family Culture And Modeling

SPEAKER_02 10:01

When I think of family culture, I think of the difference between my wife's family and mine, because my wife is the youngest of five, and I'm an only child. I remember when we met in college, she obviously met my parents first because she lived farther away. And so she she came over and ate dinner, and at one point she said, you know, after it's done, she's like, Everybody's so quiet at the dinner table. And she's like, You waited, you know, you guys prayed together. There was like a different, she's like, it's very different from my family. And I didn't really know what she meant by that until she invited me to do Thanksgiving at her family after we had dated for a little bit. And I'll never forget, I'm sure her brother's gonna love this story. I'll never forget, like, it was loud and it's wild, and like the girls are yelling and arguing and screaming at each other, and I'm like, it's complete chaos. And at one point, they start getting mad, and I'm like, Oh, what is going on? And then the next moment they're all fine and laughing and having a good time. And then her her uh older brother he did something and he farted. And I remember sitting there and being like, What just happened? And then he throws his hands up and says, Oh, Doyle rules, and everyone laughs, and and it was so chaotic to me, but it was very fun, and it was a very fun kind of culture, and everyone was very understanding. And what I learned, you know, the difference between how family relates and how they interact, and her family was so cha chaotic and chaos. But what I learned from it was that, you know, at some level, when you add more people, when it had when you have more kids, when you do that, there is more chaos, there is a little bit more of that. And her family has such an ability to uh disagree on things. When they disagree, they still love each other and they can disagree and have these really like knock out, drag out, angry fights at each other and be okay. Whereas in my family, the disagreements typically my dad would write me a page or two pages and would slide it under my door, and then I would read it, and then I would have a response back. And the response was normally an apology or why I handled it, but it would we no one ever verbally communicated their frustration. Now, my dad and I and my family have it's gotten a little bit better with how we communicate disagreements, but it's a lot of how my wife's family and seeing socially how they handled those things too.

SPEAKER_03 12:16

That's interesting. I think uh I think this question mentioned in school, right? Um, you know, that's what that's the building blocks all in it. Yeah. Once we get in school is the test, right? That's what it what do I know and am I ready to be in this social situation? It was interesting for me because I kind of lived, I was kind of in a secluded area. I had one friend in the whole neighborhood my age. That's it. And he was like a year younger than me. But he was a different kind of animal than me, right? Like I was a quiet, I'm kind of nerdy, I not very athletic kid. Well, anyway, when I get to kindergarten, it's a is a nightmare for me. I'm the smallest kid, I'm a little guy already. I'm the smallest kid in kindergarten. You know, I got these ladies who don't know me and are, you know, so the only thing I knew how to do, I mean, I was good at being quiet, you know, but I also knew how to test limits and boundaries. It's interesting though, because uh my mom still has some more opportunity to teach me some things that we missed. You know, you know, but I I thought about, you know, I wasn't very assertive as a as a little kid. I didn't I wasn't really taught how to be assertive, but I did, but I was taught how to apologize, how to make things right, you know what I mean? So it it's weird for kiddos. Once you go to school, it's not your family anymore. Yeah, it's a it's a bigger, it's an organization almost that's trying to and then all these other kids that you don't know at first, and y'all have to figure out how to mesh and and you know, you see the kids who don't do it well, and you're like, Yeah, I don't want that to happen to me. And then and then you got the real popular kids. So, you know what? It's just kind of neat to that's kind of when the parents know, hey, the the work I did here got them ready for this next step in life. Um, I don't know, it's just my thoughts on that one.

School As The Social Stress Test

SPEAKER_01 13:42

I think it's really interesting. You can like you said, Sam, it's you can see that when kids go to elementary school, kindergarten for the first time, if they have good social skills and stuff like that, making friends is actually really, really easy. You see kids on the playground, everybody's best friends. And but on the opposite side, the kids that don't have good social skills modeled for them, they come in and they do things that are not appropriate. The social milieu doesn't really tolerate that at all. And they get pushed out to the side really, really, really quick. That's how they kind of start to end up being socially isolated.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

Well, yeah, and by by really by the kids and the adults, right? Because you know one of the one of the worst punishments that they had for us was sit-out time. Like, and it didn't matter if you did the thing or not. If they thought you did what you did, you're you're gonna you're not playing, you're kneeling under a tree, and you're whatever it is, you're in the corner in the nose in the corner. I mean, I'm from that was in the 80s, yeah. What I'm what what I mean is it didn't matter. I didn't have a voice to me, right? And so, but you know, though some of it, well, yeah, sometimes I did do stuff, and sometimes I think get appropriately consequenced, you know, but it is what it is. Also, they're trying to manage 12 of us or 13 of us. I don't remember how many kids were in that class, but it was really weird. A bunch of, I mean, I had my brother who was significantly younger than me, and now I have all these kids my age, again, that are all bigger than me, even the girls are bigger than me, and and trying to figure out how navigate all this. What they did well though is teach you how to, you know, how you're gonna, you know, the lines and you know, raising your hand, and all I'd learned all that in school, you know, which was but it's cool because my mom had already framed the work how I act in certain places, and my grandparents had taken me to church and things like that.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

All right, thank you so much for joining us today. I think a great way to practice your social skills would be to go out and talk to your friends and family members about how they should listen to Brain-based parenting. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure and leave a description in the notes. As always, you might have to loan out your cortex today, just make sure you remember and get them back.

Closing And Ways To Engage

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.