Social Skills: Raising Savvy Kids. pt 2

What if the simplest games taught the deepest social skills? We dive into how kids actually learn to belong—through unstructured play, sibling spats, and the tiny repairs that turn conflict into connection. We talk about the  building blocks of social competence, from negotiating roles in pretend play to inviting the outsider onto the team, and why those early reps matter for confidence, empathy, and group problem-solving.

We contrast the noisy, collaborative energy of childhood play with the quiet lessons of growing up solo: independence, focus, and the missing practice in healthy conflict. Then we tackle the modern twist—screens and social media. Phones can soothe a fidgety kid at church or in a restaurant, but they can also crowd out patience, waiting, and conversation. We talk digital safety, the pressure of “being canceled,” and how teens learn online norms without tone, posture, or immediate repair. Instead of panic, we offer practical guardrails: device-free moments, mindful posting, and the courage to own mistakes rather than delete and disappear.

You’ll leave with ready-to-use coaching moves. Teach eye contact in three-to-five second reps. Use a simple talk loop—notice, ask, reflect, add. Pause a movie to name the emotion on a character’s face and the cue that reveals it. Keep a reset line handy—“That came out wrong”—and model the apology that keeps dignity intact. We also show how to correct privately, praise publicly, and offer do-overs in the moment so practice becomes habit. The payoff is long-term: better friendships, steadier relationships, stronger leadership, and real traction at school, work, and faith communities. Technical skill may open doors, but social skill keeps them open.

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Music:
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Transcript

Welcome And Topic Overview

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Kal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Kyarley's Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Spromp.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Welcome back. Today we're going to talk about how to help kids develop healthy social skills.

SPEAKER_03 0:33

To do that, today I'm joined by Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Communities. And Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

So what role does play having siblings or unstructured interaction have in developing strong social skills?

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Not having any siblings made kind of my world a little different. And I get made fun of a lot for it too. Like, oh, as soon as I say like I'm an only child, everyone's like, oh, that explains a lot. Because of the the way I learned to communicate, or the majority of my communication is just within my family. I think one of the jokes my my wife has between my father and I, and even my son will do it too. We have a way that we talk, or like almost an accent of how we talk, because it was funny when I was growing up, and my son, my oldest son, does it too. But it's funny how when you don't have siblings or you don't have those things, you become so much more like your parents, or you do a lot more of those type of things. And I'm sure everyone experiences that, but not having a sibling to play with or having somebody to to fight or beat up also made things different.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

Well, I did have siblings, and I was the oldest. I had a my next brother was four years younger, and then my next brother was 13 years younger. So we had a really spread out family. So my brother, Mike, he he's four years behind me at this point. I mean, I'm bigger, smarter, uh, you know, Mike, bless his heart, man. Here's what I got to learn with with having a brother, right? We had conflict. You know, there was times, you know, there's times I got a I got a truck thrown at me, and I need to, you know what I mean? It's you know, you know, we could see the differences in our personalities and our parents could. And it was interesting because our parents could see the differences. And one of the biggest things I still remember about my brother is one Christmas, you know, you know, you you you have G.I. Joe's, you have all those toys from the 80s and stuff. Well, we we opened our Christmas presents, and my my little brother, I don't even know our age. I was probably nine, he might have been seven, but he's smart enough to recognize hey, hey, why do I always get the bad guy toys and you get the good guy toys? Oh you know, he he he a little more hyper than I was and got in a little more trouble at school than I never got in trouble in school, right? We're complete opposite people under the same roof, and and it was it was really kind of so I, you know, I I got to learn that, right? Hey, we're different, we're different, completely different people. And yeah, like you said, I I like the the what you said about you were more like my parents, or my brother and I are not. We're actually more rebellious. We took on some traits, obviously, but it's not as close as what you're describing. Yeah, you know, I always had somebody to play with one of the things that was the most fun about my childhood was yeah, I I only had the one neighbor, and so it was my my brother and I, and sometimes my cousin would come over to our house, and then I had the neighbor and his sister. So we're all around the same age. You're thinking back on this question of social skills. Play, how can I put it? We played soldiers a lot. We played cops and robbers and you know, cowboys and all you know, the all this and so tons of fun stuff. But here's what we were doing, right? Negotiating obstacles together. Man, that's good. You know, when we we called it play pretend. Let's play pretend, and then we go do it. And then so as we're narrating the story, now somebody else says what happens, right? Which creates us a new challenge that nobody else expected. And then how do you and so how do we navigate? How do we work as a team? How do we pretend to have conflict and then resolve that conflict? Who dies on the sword? Who's gonna die the hero, right? You know, really kind of neat. So, because we also learned some self-sacrifice there. Save yourself, I got it, you know. We watched it, we watch G.I. Joe a lot. Well, you know what I mean? So really kind of cool, which bonded us more and which teaches a child how to work in a group, even outside. So that that was very helpful. And we did that on the daily, we were outside playing around, and I think that's a there's tons of social skill building in there that you can take that they can now take to another group, you know.

Negotiation Through Pretend Play

SPEAKER_02 4:09

I think I think about play differently because so much of my childhood, and I this is it was lonely. It was it was a lot more quiet and it was a lot more figuring out how to do things by myself. Whereas as an adult, I like a lot of like solitary stuff. I like to run, I like to read, I like to do things by myself a lot because I think a lot of those solitary things, I would play Legos by myself for hours, or I go outside for hours by myself. And you know, I was a child of the the 80s too, so the idea of the 80s and 90s was kind of that time where you were allowed a little bit more freedom to ride your bike all over the place. Like I think about how far I rode my bike. Man, I would go miles and miles riding my bike and be maybe eight years old, nine years old, and it was no big deal. Now the idea of letting my seven-year-old go the distance I I did is kind of a little scary. You know, but I I do think that there are those pieces where and it's it's been it's changed, but the idea of how play has changed for our kids, you know, and how far they get to go. And I I think about the other day I've got a three-year-old and I have a seven-year-old, and and we were like, My wife said, Why don't you guys go out and play? And so they went outside, and I remember kind of for a moment almost being horrified by the I idea of it, is like, oh, I need to go outside and watch them. And I remember, man, going outside for hours all day, all day by myself and just playing. And my mom would, you know, there'd be a point I'd wake up. The only time that I had free reign on the TV was waking up at six o'clock in the morning on Saturdays before my mom and being able to watch TV. And then by the time my mom woke up at about 11, she turns it off, and then it's time to go outside, and I'm outside the rest of the time. So I'm either at a friend's house and bugging a another friend or I'm out. But I think that play and learning how to play with uh, you know, with people was was a little bit more difficult for me because when I when I learned there was a lot more conflict, and I didn't I didn't have the sibling conflict like kind of built in with siblings. So having conflict with an a neighbor down the street or having conflict. I remember the first time where I played basketball and I might have been like in fourth grade, and we're outside and we're playing basketball, and a kid did something and he swung on me, and I swung back and I got in a fight, and I go home, and I'm and my mom's all worried, and because I'd never there was no fights growing up. I had no siblings to fight with, there was none of that. So it was interesting, some of that conflict and and some of that didn't happen till I was older, which is the lack of siblings.

SPEAKER_03 6:45

Yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

So talking a little bit about how things have changed, how have screens and digital communication changed the way kids develop social awareness and social skills?

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Man, this this question, you know, screens have become such a part of our world. You know, Sam, when you were talking about church, I was thinking about, you know, the ability to sit still was such a part of my lifestyle growing up. It's kind of one of those things we, especially boys, like boys are almost taught like the opposite of our nature, because our nature is to be outside and to be active and to be moving around, and I can't sit still. And then school kind of teaches us to sit still, raise our hands, church teaches us to sit still. With the with the addition of electronics, you kind of you give them a little bit more of a placator to where they don't really learn some of those skills to sit still without some level of an electronic. I remember the first time Jaron might have been, might have been like four or five years old. We were, I was talking with someone, and it had never occurred to me, they were like, just hand me your phone. And I didn't realize in that moment, handing him my phone, how much that opened the world up and changed kind of the dynamics of, oh, this worked great. He was quiet. Hey, I was able to be an adult and have an adult conversation without. But typically, what would an adult do? Hey, dad's having a conversation right now, you're gonna need to give me give me two or three minutes. Hey, why don't you go find something else to do? Right. So we had like that's kind of how we were raised, where an adult told us, hey, stop. But with the addition of the electronics, it kind of changed how we do skills, and even teaching kids those social skills, instead of really teaching them to be quiet in church. Here's here's a phone. You can play quietly, even at a restaurant. I was thinking about that the other day. Went to a restaurant, sit-down restaurant with my kids. And man, I hate sit-down restaurants for a three-year-old. It's miserable, it's terrible. But hey, now when you got a phone. It's the first it's like, oh, I'm on a date with my wife, my kids are on their phone. But at the same time, we we kind of have taken away the ability for them to have conversation and learn skills of sitting still and what eating at a, you know, at a restaurant is. So it it's interesting. Now, of course, we can always point out the negative on on screens, right? Or point out the negative. There are some positive things, especially from social media, that I think uh have kind of been positive for kids a little bit.

Growing Up Solo And Conflict Gaps

SPEAKER_03 9:15

It's how it's how I now communicate. You know, I helped Marie's my grandsons for four years, and now that's the only form of communication I have with them. I can't uh them and I can't travel to see each other as often, maybe once a year, maybe twice a year if we're lucky. So that's the only way that I have to get to know my my grandsons again. Uh so that yeah, like you said, there's some positives, you know, negatives is you know, now when I tell you know it's weird. I'll I'll get back to what I guess what I was gonna say was it's it's weird because like even now we're the the listeners are hearing my voice. It probably doesn't it doesn't sound like way I hear it, but you can't feel my voice, you know. And I I always felt like when I talk to people, I could feel them. Like I feel I can see you clearly, I can see your hands, I can see, you know, your body posture, and I'm not not just your face. So when I'm just talking to people on the phone, I only see their face. I can't see what their body's telling me. I can't so you lose something in there. Like I I feel like I can feel a voice. And if you think about it when you talk to a loved one or or when or when you know when your mom or dad is or was getting after you a little bit, you you can feel it, and they're there, and you almost get immediate feedback too, right? You know, you're I mean, you know, positive and negative. When I tell my grandson, grandsons, hey, good job at school, right? It's different over the phone versus being able to put my hand on them and say, Hey, great job today, and I get to hug them. You know, right? And so like you said, pro pros and cons. I mean, I do I do think that also a con is, you know, they can't, you know, there's not a lot of expression for kids. Like you're not learning a lot via that kind of communication. But I mean, fortunately, like you said, they're they're a nice babysitting tool for a short-term thing. I just wouldn't rely on them completely. Yeah. Because, like you said, even uh, you know, when I when I was raising my kids, we're we're in a different area. I mean, my kids were young, and I and there wasn't really cell phones weren't a thing when I had my children. So if mom and I were talking, that's what I had to do. Hey, wait, wait a minute. I see you. Yeah, give me a minute, let me finish. But also they get to see the adults interact, not just me and my wife while we're having dinner, like you said, yeah, but the people around us, you know, right? They get to see some similarities of how we act to other people and the differences in how we act to other people because other people don't always act right. And it's it's interesting because then the kids can see that and say, Hey, why did that happen? What what was happening over there? And you know, if it was appropriate, I could explain, hey, there was a little bit of conflict with the adults, but you know, that's how they handle conflict, that's not how we handle conflict. You know what I mean? So but without that awareness and with a headphone on their ears and they're facing the screen, they don't get the external learning outside of the you know family unit while you're with your family unit. Did that make sense what I'm trying to say? Yeah. Anyway, that's my thoughts on that.

Screens Reshaping Attention And Manners

SPEAKER_02 11:38

Yeah, I I think social media also plays an interesting role to this next generation. Because I was watching something recently where the it's a younger generation and they're talking about the thing they're most afraid of, and the and the thing that came up was being canceled. And and the idea of being canceled for me has never like it's never even crossed my mind, you know. But for them, being canceled, like that's a social thing, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:04

It's their belonging.

SPEAKER_02 12:04

Yeah, it's their belonging, and the and and really it's it's how they interact socially on online. So, like if you inter interact or say something inappropriately and say something in such a way, but it's it's like a whole layer cult of our culture now, yeah, that they have learned to navigate. My daughter is so good at navigating social media in such a way that I I don't understand, right? We we try to have her on Instagram and watch what she's doing. My my 16-year-old, not my seven-year-old. I I think that with my 16-year-old daughters kind of watching her navigate things and her making comments and how she addresses things on social media or oh, I don't know, I don't, I don't wanna, I don't wanna get involved in this drama, or I don't want to get involved in this thing. They have a very different way of of how they go about things socially because of social media, you know?

SPEAKER_03 12:54

Yeah, it goes back to what we said earlier. That's just a different forum in which they need to learn how to interact, you know. But but it's so broad on social media because just like in person, you're gonna run into all different kinds of people, you do that online too, and they can be hidden behind all kinds of false identities, which that's not the purpose of this podcast, but there is there is a a way that we need to com they need to learn to communicate there too, and the safety of how and who they're communicating with, information they're given, but that's all part of social skills because you know they they meet a buddy playing a video game, get their Discord, and now they're chatting, and uh you know they're to be honest, uh how am I to know who that is that a child? I mean, well, even if it's a 15-year-old, is that a 15-year-old they're playing with who or is that a 30-year-old? Do should I care? Should I not care? What are they talking about? What kind of information is my child divulging about themselves, you know, or us, or you know, because right, there's you know, and so that's part of the world, and it's like you said, it's so difficult because it's it runs circles around me. I'm I know I know a little bit, but uh, there's no way I could I can even know because there's so many different apps, and even I don't even understand what they're saying some of them. I know that's that's fair. I just you know, me and ChatGPT just figured out the chat, you know what I mean? Tell me what this means. But anyway, I I don't know. I mean it is a social skill and it's detrimental. And like you said, I ain't worried about being canceled. When I was a kiddo, if I messed up, if I messed up at school in a social setting, you gotta come back tomorrow. Yeah, and you gotta figure out how to own it. I know, you know what I mean? And that's also a valuable tool. How do I own it? And online, you don't always have to own it. You don't, and that's the other thing. If they start the argument and you say something and you're all in trouble and they cancel it, just you're just deleted or whatever, they just stop communicating with you. Sometimes that might for me that might be a blessing. I'm a little introverted.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

You know, it's it's funny to me because I think social skills, I think of uh say by the bell. Oh, yeah. And it's like what one of my favorite shows growing up, and I remember like in the early seasons, like Zach Morris would do something, right? And everybody get mad at him, and then he'd make this comment at the end of the show, he'd say, They'll get over it. And I remember like like feeling at that young age, like, how do I get that? Like, how do I how do I make sure like I'm just everyone will still be my friend tomorrow, you know?

SPEAKER_03 15:02

Hey, I had that thought of fifth grade. Like, yeah, they'll get over it. I literally told a kid one time, you're gonna forget tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Yeah, that's kind of the funny thing about that show, is I remember like he'd do something, everybody get mad at him, his whole friend group's upset. And like for me, that'd be mortifying to have your whole friend group upset with you. And then you're like, uh, and and as kind of how I'm wired, it's like, are you upset with me? What did I do? Can you but Zach Zach Morris is so cool, he's like, they'll be okay. They I'm so cool, they'll come back to you. You know, I think that's what the some of the social skill stuff does is it it basically it teaches you how to how to work in a group, how to how to be okay. And if it doesn't work out, it teaches you how to learn from that and and how you grow from that, you know.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

Well, you know, also the reason we could get over it and forget. Well, I know in that saved by the bell example, they're teens, right? In my example, we're fifth grade going to sixth grade. Here's the why. It's because I could just go home and we had space. Yeah. And when those kids that you're talking about separated, they didn't see each other no more. Yeah. And you got all night to forget about it or forgive it or whatever. With online social media, nobody lets it go. You just keep fighting. You know what I mean? You can't go away. And sometimes we gotta be aware of our children and help them with that. Hey, you put that phone down for a minute. Yeah, we got we gotta be and watch them save by the bell and stuff. Yeah, watch them save by the bell.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

So, what might be some long-term consequences when social skills are not intentionally taught or corrected?

Social Media Pressures And Safety

SPEAKER_02 16:28

I mean, I think we've hit on it. Like it's kind of being ostracized by the group, right? Like not be you know, I I was going back to when Sam was talking about, you know, nose or being in a corner, the lonely lunch. It's worse than lonely lunch. A kid, you know, you see a kid sitting by themselves, and it it's kind of one of those like, oh, like you know that that guy, and you know, we we all have all seen that or experienced the lonely lunch where you see the kid and it everyone just walks butt past them too, and it's like, oh, that poor kid, you know.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

You can't go talk to him.

SPEAKER_02 17:02

Yeah, yeah. They're in time out, you know.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

That's right. I remember I told one of my kids, hey, I don't care. Well, because we we eat the same here where we eat the same place where our kids eat. And my kid was at Lonely Nunch, and I I could go tell them hi, but at Lonely Nunch, I really couldn't, you know. It's supposed to be a punishment, which I didn't agree with, but whatever. But here's what I told my kid. Here's what I told my kid on. Hey, I love you. I know you're gonna make mistakes. I can still walk by the I can still I can still be walking and take my tray and do the little secret hand signal to say, hey, I got you, I love you, but we're gonna talk about this when we get home. I'll get you later. You know what I mean? Like a little coke, because it's it it it's not always their fault. Like, you know, like hey, sometimes it's my fault, you know. I didn't teach them that skill. Yeah, I taught you this. You know, but here's some things I thought about when you know, when they become adults, man, workplace conflict becomes a thing. They're unable to see their part in the conflict, they have lots of conflict with with other adults, you know. Sometimes you got two of those people with bad social skills conflicting, and that creates an issue. They don't really fit in with a group. They probably got some social anxiety, right? Because, you know, they don't they don't really know. I mean, some people are kind of aware they're a little awkward and just don't know how to correct it. I guess to be fair, I don't know how to correct it. Their relationships are probably gonna be a mess. How do you give and take in a relationship? How do you solve your problems? How do you compromise? If you don't have those skills, you you're gonna have complete instability. Same with jobs, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:25

Yeah, it's job to job to job.

SPEAKER_03 18:27

Same thing, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:28

You never figure out you're the common denominator.

SPEAKER_03 18:30

Many adults are professionally competent, but relationally immature. Myself, as an example, I was really smart. Well, you called it book smart, but I wasn't really street smart when I was young. And so I was very gullible. People could take advantage of me. Uh, I believed everything people said, right? You know, getting into social interactions as an as an older team actually opened my eyes to the world, right? So it put me in more different social settings because at first in my first half of my life I was pretty isolated. So I only had a really small friend. But then around 13 years old, I got exposed to tons of different kids because we moved. And there was a lot of kids my age and younger kids and older kids. So we were able to, I was able to navigate different and be put in different situations on my own without my parents, like Judas said. We played around outside all day. But all those things is what translated to my adult stuff, the good and the bad, right? But if you don't teach kids how to how to be social, you don't tell them what's acceptable, and these different places that they're gonna hit even even work. They're they're just not gonna know, they're gonna just think that what they're doing is okay because we're just affirming it all the time. Sometimes silence is taken as an affirmation, right? Sometimes you get we have to be firm and say, hey, that's not okay to act that way.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

So, what are some practical ways to coach skills like eye contact, conversation, reading social cues, and handling awkward moments?

SPEAKER_03 19:43

Judah talked about eye contact earlier, didn't she? Was that you yeah? I mean, yeah, start starting low doses, three to five seconds, you know, just teach teach people that eye contact's appropriate, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:53

Yeah, I think that that's that's the big thing is just being in those moments and then having those conversations with your kiddos when you see them. Or yeah, my oldest son, who's 19, hates eye contact.

SPEAKER_03 20:03

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_02 20:04

Yeah, so a lot of times I'll you know, I turn it into a joke. I think sometimes with social skills can be helpful to to have have it kind of a joking thing too, sometimes. That playful redirection can be and playfully how we how we handle things. I think awkward moments, especially, man, that's so good because when those awkward moments happen, you get you get a choice, right? Do I let this awkward moment linger and not say anything? Or do it in in the awkward moment, do I address it and say something about it? And do we just have our awkward moment together and and joke about it, you know? I think that's the thing for me. I I was always taught to handle things in humor. My mom is really beautiful about that. I remember coming home upset about things, and this kid said this, and this happened like this, and she's like, Well, why don't you learn to like joke about it? Or you learn to like not get so upset and joke and play with it.

Owning Mistakes Online Versus Off

SPEAKER_03 20:56

Yeah, and you also asked about conversation, and I think conversation it's gotta be real intentional because you know, adults, we obviously have a power differential with our children. But if you're gonna teach them how to talk to people, you have to talk to them how you want them to talk to people, right? So it's very easy to be dismissive, it's very easy to say, hey, you're alright, things like that. When they're talking to you, that's that's the time. Like if a kid's actually paying attention, which when they're young, they should be, right? They should be trying to get your attention at all times, right? So we gotta teach them when they're talking, you know, they gotta they gotta, you know, how to ask questions, how to listen and not not talk, you know, how to take turns talking, right? I like to reflect what I say to kids, which hopefully they learn how to reflect back. That's good. And then how do you add to the conversation after, right? So they you have to teach this the simple framework of how do I how do I talk to others, how do I be heard without being dismissed, right? Reading, reading cues. One of the cool things I used to do, uh well, my this drives my wife nuts, but I analyze movies like crazy. Josh knows. But I analyze movies, I'll watch a movie, right? And I here's what I believe about movies, right? They don't put stuff in there unintentionally, right? The director has a thing, how Does he set the light? Yeah. Why did they zoom on the face? All this stuff. Here's why this is important. So when you're watching a show or a cartoon or whatever with your kiddo, when an emotional moment happens or an angry moment happens, pause the show. Show the face. Oh, I love that. What do you think they're feeling there? See, so that's not an actual real world thing, but they they see it in their world, right? Hey, you're watching whatever the show is, we're watching it together. Hey, what do you think they're feeling right now? Right? That gives them a clue playfully what facial expressions mean. Whether that's a cartoon or a movie or whatever. Like also, you know, the awkward moments. I I have a lot of those somehow. I don't know. My the my favorite line is, hey, that came out wrong. And uh hopefully anybody who knows me knows I'm not ever trying to hurt anybody's feelings. I can be jokey, but sometimes you say something, you're like, mmm, and my wife gives me the side eye. You know, oh that babe, I didn't mean that. Then you come out right. You know, let me let me redo that. This is what I meant, right? And just teaching them how to do that.

SPEAKER_02 22:51

No, I don't know. As you you were talking about movies, I was thinking social skills and movies of social skills. For me, one of one of the thoughts that came through is that movie Sandlot. Seeing that group of kids and how they like how they interact together, but also, you know, with uh Sandlot, you think about that kid that was an outsider and didn't really have any friends and didn't really do any sports or any of that type of stuff, and then how he had a friend bring him into the group and and how he involved them in that and how they created these memories together. It's kind of Man, you you said something about uh as you were talking, I was thinking about practices, how we practice it with our kids and being intentional with your social skill practices. You know, intentionality is such an important part of how we of how we teach our kids and work with our kids.

SPEAKER_03 23:33

Yeah, if if we gotta do stuff, if we gotta be around electronics, then at least make it a game or a teaching tool for yourself as well and use it to your advantage as well so they learn stuff out of it.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

I think the awkward moments you have to address as well. Sometimes it can feel awkward. You have to address some of the awkward moments. It feels weird or you feel like you're gonna hurt the kids' feelings and things like that. And it may in the short term be all that. But if you don't address it, they're gonna keep doing it, it's gonna be worse in the long run. So even though it's not a fun experience to go through, they're probably gonna thank you for it five, ten years down the line. So, how do we correct social missteps without shaming or embarrassing the child?

SPEAKER_02 24:08

I I think that that's kind of a a thing of my childhood, is my dad, that's how he would would deal with it is jokingly and sometimes jokingly is it can go both ways, right? Joking can be a really good, that playful redirection can be so good, but it can also be damaging if you do it at the wrong time and with the wrong kid. How I can joke with my son is very different than how I can joke with my daughter. You know, it's kind of the joke in our house, is everything I do. My daughter says that I'm fat shaming her. So I'll be like, Hey, can you get me some water? And she's like, Are you fat shaming me? And I'm like, I just asked for some water. Or I'll be like, Hey, can you help me with this? Are you fat shaming? I I do, I do think, and I just think that that's kind of the importance of like knowing your audience, knowing how you how you have those conversations with your kids to the missteps of how many missteps I've had. The thing I learned from my wife's father was the the importance of apologizing too when you do those things. When you do embarrass them, when you do something that can that can really hurt to go back and apologize. I the first time I saw an adult apologize to a younger person was was my wife's dad. He did something and he snapped at her. And I remember him coming back to her later and just being like, hey, I didn't handle that well. That's not me. I have a lot of stress going on. I just wanted to apologize. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Adults aren't supposed to do that. Adults aren't supposed to apologize to the kids. But I thought that that was really a neat, a neat thing because it was embarrassing in that situation too.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

Yeah, no, and one thing I'm very mindful of is there are times you gotta correct on the spot. I understand that that you'll know when those times are, but let's try to preserve dignity of the child, right? Let's try to have private conversation if we can, quick so they don't forget what just happened, off to the side, and may I speak to you, you know, whatever. Or I don't know if you're a parent and you actually ask. Depending on the kid age of your kid, you gotta respond immediately, but also give them some dignity because that you know, private that the private conversation preserves that. But if you publicly humiliate them, that kind of destroys their teachability. Yeah. Um, right. They they that's why people become in kind of closed in, they don't want to talk anymore, things like that. I mean, just be mindful of that.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

I you know, you uh my mom used to always say, uh, praise publicly, correct, um privately. Yeah, and that that was something that she lived by. So if she was getting onto me, she was gonna pull me aside and talk to me. And if she was gonna talk about how great I was, it was in front of everybody, which is why I'm as great as I am, because she told everybody, you know, and did it in front of me. And I, you know, that's I think there's some importance there.

SPEAKER_01 26:36

How does strong social competence in childhood translate into adulthood, relationships, leadership, faith, and work?

SPEAKER_03 26:42

Healthy boundaries, yeah, you know, influence in communities, like your leadership at work. I mean, the list goes on and what the positives of a healthy with healthy social competence come.

SPEAKER_01 26:52

It's good. I think that our goals when we're raising our kids is to make them and help them be successful adults. And sometimes that is gonna be awkward, and sometimes it's gonna be hard. But in doing that, they're gonna be more successful in their relationships and everything that they do.

SPEAKER_03 27:06

Yeah, I think I could have all the skill in the world, right? I can know all the stuff I need to know. I can be good at something, but if I can't close the deal, if I can't connect with a person, I mean they're not gonna give me work, they're not gonna want to work with me, you know, unless I got some extreme skill. That those are outliers because groups aren't gonna want to work with you in our life as groups. The whole all life is is groups. So yeah, you start early, you know.

Long-Term Costs Of Weak Skills

SPEAKER_01 27:29

All right, thank you so much for joining us today. I think a great way to practice your social skills would be to go out and talk to your friends and family members about how they should listen to Brain-based parenting. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure and leave a description in the notes. As always, you might have to loan out your cortex today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.