Attention Seeking Or Connection Seeking: Why Kids Act Out When They Need You the Most. part 1

Your kid isn’t trying to ruin your day, they’re trying to find you. We unpack a parenting trap that shows up in every home: calling a child “attention seeking” and missing the deeper need for relationship, attachment, and felt safety.

We tell a few honest stories about the ridiculous things kids do to get a reaction, then we zoom in on what’s happening under the surface. When a child interrupts your phone call, acts goofy at the worst time, or melts down after you walk in the door, it can be a bid for connection that clashes with your stress and burnout. Using a brain-based parenting lens, we talk about why those moments trigger adults, how kids pick up on our posture and energy, and why a quick, connected response often prevents bigger behavior later.

We also get practical about what connection seeking looks like at different ages, from toddlers who want constant closeness to teens who act aloof while still craving reassurance. We share simple scripts, the “love tank” idea, and why being “annoyingly reassuring” can protect adolescents from chasing connection in riskier places. If you care about child behavior, trauma-informed parenting, and building a home where kids feel seen, this conversation will give you tools you can use today.

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Transcript

Welcome To Brain-Based Parenting

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Welcome back. Today we're going to be talking about the difference between attention seeking and relationship seeking and why that difference is important. To do that today, I'm joined by Judah Brown, Campus Life Supervisor.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Suzanne Ratt, Vice President of Training and Intervention.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

Danny Pechtel, Executive Director of Ranch Services. Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Community.

Funny Childhood Attention Stories

SPEAKER_02 0:49

All right, let's jump into our question of the day. So, how did you annoy your parents when you were a kid to try and get their attention?

SPEAKER_03 0:55

I was a little guy that chased my caregivers around saying their name. Mom.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

I don't remember when I was a small child, but I know when I was in high school, about the time my parents were ready to go to bed, I got all fired up and energetic and wanted to talk about my day. And I think part of that was also that my younger brother and sister were already in bed. So that's when I had their undivided attention and I would go sit on the bed and rattle. Just talk all about my day while they probably were desperate for me to leave them alone.

SPEAKER_05 1:28

I was a chatterbox. I used I'd talk and talk and talk. Was yeah, it was. It was. That's a key word there, Suzanne. Was I was a chatterbox? But also I think I can remember one time, it was just after my sister was born, where my amount of attention had significantly declined. I used to always play on the in the back when I was little. I'd bounce my baseball off the chimney and catch it. And I was out there and no one, my grandparents came and nobody was coming out. And I remember eventually just getting mad and I put it right through the window into the living room. Teach them. It did not end well for me. But yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:02

That's one way to do it.

SPEAKER_05 2:05

I remember Rook Ruby being mad, they're all here, nobody's talking to me, and I just put it through the window.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Now I think Judy, you're the only child in the room.

SPEAKER_05 2:14

You just brought that up.

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Yeah, so I'm wondering what what'd you do to try and get your parents together?

SPEAKER_04 2:18

You know, I was thinking through this and I was thinking, you know, I I did not, I was perfect. My mom, you know, you know, I I really my dad and my mom both tell the story of they couldn't use the bathroom because I'd be putting my fingers under the door when I was that kid. So I was like always where my parents were, you know, and and my dad would say, you know, I just needed a second, and then I'd see your fingers, and they're like under the door. And so I did a lot of things, quirky things, I think, like that. I hid under their bed a lot. That was another kind of thing that I would kind of do to get their attention. Like uh I I also did a lot of hiding growing up, too. I thought that was funny to hide from my parents. My parents didn't like that, and they I would run off from them in stores a whole lot too. So I was a little bit of a special child.

SPEAKER_02 3:09

So uh typically I was pretty quiet, compliant child, but whenever anytime my mom would get on the phone, my brothers and I decided that was the time to have a knockdown, drag out fight. And then she would just be making faces at us, like, just wait till I get off the phone type thing. But we knew she couldn't do anything to us while she's on the phone, she'd be super sweet, nice on the phone. But then yeah, as soon as she hung up, we were in big trouble.

SPEAKER_03 3:29

Yeah, because she was probably stuck to the wall.

What Attention Bids Really Mean

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Yeah. All right. So when parents say kids are just doing it for attention, what's usually happening beneath the surface? And what do we mean when we're talking about bids for attention?

SPEAKER_03 3:42

I mean, right, the most basic thing is they're just trying to connect with their caregiver or they need something.

SPEAKER_05 3:47

I think part of when we talk about that need for attention or they're just doing it for attention. A lot of times when you hear that said by a staff or a parent, they're not talking about the normal things that they do that they like to give them attention for. It's this thing that's either annoying them or it was this acting out behavior, and they're like, oh, they're just doing that for attention. When we think through that, like Sam said, it's so much of it is it's relationship seeking. It's in this moment, is the kid insecure? Are they nervous? Are they scared? What is their need that they're needing that parent to come to them? Or, you know, like my case with my little sister, am I jealous? Because you just don't see me. The big ones that are the big act outs or the behaviors that annoy you, or the fingers under the door. A lot of times that that's an insecurity that's a they need that parent to comfort to relational to connect. Unfortunately, sometimes the behavior the kids present in us as adults produce almost that opposite reaction, or the attention they get is not the kind of attention they're looking for.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

Yeah, I I think I think sometimes adults believe that they're doing it as a manipulation tactic. Like that they're needing something, but it it's it's like they're thinking in their head, if I give it more, then they're gonna just keep doing this. And I don't I don't think that's true, right? I think they they're asking for something, whether uh you you said it, Danny, you said uh they're looking for maybe a reassurance of something. Hey, I look at this picture I drew, or or they do extra, you know, or something. And then they want maybe they want some praise, and then parents are afraid to overpraise. I'm not sure that's possible to overpraise, make somebody feel right, because uh attention seeking kind of is like attachment seeking. I'm looking to connect with somebody, you know.

Why Inconvenient Bids Trigger Us

SPEAKER_04 5:16

I think the idea of being curious over being critical about it, you know. As parents and even being a direct care staff, I just remember we sometimes you go straight to the critical thoughts behind it instead of looking at the underlying what's been said, the underlying thoughts behind things or the underlying of of what's going on.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

So why is that sometimes so triggering for us as parents when kids spid for attention and comes at an inconvenient time?

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Like when you're going to the bathroom and your kid puts their fingers underneath the door.

SPEAKER_04 5:44

I I think for me the uh the thought of doing those things when I was a kid, you know, it it's trying to be funny at a part. And I think that that was a part of trying to make my parents laugh a lot of times. But as an adult now, when my kids do things like that, I get so frustrated about it. And I think the importance should be at times to laugh at it. You know, the importance to they're wanting a response of of some sort. They're wanting, I really do think as kind of a seeking attention child and adult that I am. Most of the time, most of my behavior is about trying to bring levity to the situation. We're trying to to make people laugh because I think that sometimes we we get really serious and there are things going on, like I mean, kid kids aren't worried about adult stuff, right?

SPEAKER_03 6:28

They're just going about their life, laying around or whatever they're doing. And we're we said this in the last podcast, you know, two adults are having a conversation. The kid chooses that time to make a bid, and and then hey, that's inappropriate right now. And so why is it irritating? Well, that that call might be important, that a parent might be stressed. I mean, there could I mean it slows down what you're trying to get done. It you know, internally it might exp expose a limit you have. Maybe it's uh maybe they're coming to the problem you don't you're unsure of. There's there's tons of things about the timing of children, but they're not worried about the things. That's why they just they're kind of just doing what we're trying to live our day or take care of all the needs of the house, for example.

SPEAKER_05 7:05

I think the other part when we take when am I triggered as a parent, I think when I internally really look back at when do I get triggered on things that they're doing that are probably relationship seeking. When does it get on my nerves the most? It's when I'm tired, it's when I'm stressed, it's when I'm worn down. I try to be more aware of it over the last several years. I've tried to be more and more and more aware of it as my kids are getting older. When I realize that sometimes as adults, as parents, that when we're done with, when we're done with our stress, or we may not be done with our stress, but we just came home. And they're doing these things that when I'm triggered, really, it's not about them, it's about everything that I just brought and I've used myself up helping other people, and now I'm back to this place where they're supposed to be the most important thing, but I have nothing left for them. And I I've realized at times when I'm stressed, I'll sit in the car just a little bit longer. I'll listen to one more song in the car, right? And try to set my mind right so that when I go in the house to the kids, even if they do that thing and I'm tired and I'm worn and I don't have time for this nonsense and I'm stressed, I don't present that to my kids. Because in the end, they're why we work so hard. The family at home is why we do this. A lot of times they're triggering behavior that's attention seeking or really relational seeking. When it triggers me, it's because something else has worn me to the bone. I have to recognize that because my kids don't need that. They don't need that response from me. They don't need my own mess getting in the way. And I think as parents, when we realize, oh, they're attention seeking, it's bothering me. They're doing this on purpose. Well, no, they're our kids, they want our attention. We showed up with an empty tank. That's always got to be part of this conversation when we're talking about attention secured kids. How much of it is me and not them?

Shift From Attention To Connection

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Over this last year, my oldest daughters have gone off to college. So now it's just my wife and I and my youngest daughter. One of the things I found is it's really quiet in the house. And I actually kind of miss some of that stuff. It's it's weird. I wouldn't think I would have ever missed it, but I kind of take for granted all those opportunities that I could have had for a relationship time when they were bidding for attention. So even though in the moment it may feel a little bit annoying and you may get triggered to cherish those moments because it they don't last forever. Why is reframing attention seeking as connection seeking such a powerful mindset shift?

SPEAKER_03 9:00

Attention seeking just sounds manipulative when you say it. Like they're doing this on purpose, they you know, they're just trying to get something out of me. Connection seeking just sounds like humans.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

We have to connect. I think the other answer to this question is when I reframe it in my mind as attention seeking, it's not something I have to do, it's something I get. And sometimes almost that gives me the correction. Because there are times, like Sam mentioned earlier, where I'm on the phone and I gotta take this call. And that's right when, you know, Aiden or Shelby come bouncing up to me. And that's when they need my attention. But when I can reframe it in my mind of its connection, it's really easy to me to say, just kind of you know, cover the phone real quick. I love you, that's great. As soon as I'm off this call, I'm with you. But that that's the right way to go is I love you, you're important, you've got me when I'm off this call. They need that connection in that moment. And sometimes, and even how I redirect that instead of go away, I'm on a call, you know the rules in this house when it is attention they're seeking, and that connection is really what they're seeking. My redirection is not gonna be hard, it's gonna be connected. They need that reassurance for me because sometimes they're nervous, there's something going on, there's they're anxious. Why aren't you talking to me? They they have that internal, and that's why they're after you. And so they need to know I'm good, it's okay. I still care about them, and I will come to you after this call. You're my most important thing. That's that's for us, I think.

SPEAKER_03 10:07

Now I always wondered, I always wondered why, you know, we're working from home a little bit. I had my grandkids with me. We talk about that a lot. I always wondered why they showed up when I was on a call. I mean, I haven't been on a call for an hour, and now now is the time. And I wonder, I mean, this is just a thing I thought. What if it's because my body posture change or you know what I'm saying or how I'm talking? Because you know, when we're connecting with our kids, we're also teaching them stuff, right? The un the unsaid clues that they pick up. They can tell when we're upset, they can tell when we're stressed, even if we're not meaning to show it. I wonder if sometimes these calls you I mean, I imagine some of the calls you can get. Yeah, I've gotten those calls and now we're we're in business mode and we're having to do it, and they come to you then. We see it as an irritation. Hey, I'm in the middle of this, you know. Although you can't say it right then and there, one of the things I learned to do is, hey, you know, I see I see you. And that's what I like that you said, hey, at least I I'm acknowledging I see them. But the the you got to reframe the thought process, right? Is is hey, it's not about it's not about them, how do I stop it, right? It's how it's how do I what do they need for me right now? So it's really curious. They probably couldn't tell me that, but I wonder if sometimes we just shift our body postures because we're, you know, when that phone rings, and anybody in this room knows when that phone rings, it's it's it's not usually a good thing that you're getting a call for. People aren't just generally checking on us. So this, you know, they're they're they're asking for something, right? And we're having to solve a problem. And I think our kids pick up on it.

SPEAKER_05 11:21

Well, I think that goes back to what Judah was saying. He's trying to make his parents laugh, he's trying to lighten this mood. And how often is it? We're getting annoyed because our kids picked up because the kids are are so much more attuned to the nonverbal that feel in that moment that picked your stress up, they can feel your sadness. I mean, they're they're almost like, you know, we talk about bringing kids around horses. We talk about that horse feels what you feel. Oh, yeah. They intuitively react to you, so you need to be calm so it stays calm. But our kids are like that too, and they're more sensitive to us and our emotions. So, how often is it? Well, we think they're doing attention seeking, connection seeking, and it's like, Judah, he's trying to lighten the mood. He sees it, he feels it, he's trying to bring joy to your life. And it is that's what's going on with the kid. And I think that goes back to it. Why do we always have to check ourselves? Where are we at with this? And then what does the kid need from me? What is their need? Or are they seeing a need in us that we don't recognize in ourselves and they're trying to meet our need?

Common Bids Plus Screen Drift

SPEAKER_04 12:10

Yeah, my youngest daughter is really sensitive. Both my daughters are really sensitive and really good at picking up kind of the energy in the room and where things are at. But the one thing that we worked with both of them on, and especially my seven-year-old, she has this when she starts feeling a certain way, and you know, it she's needing relationships, she'll say, My love tanks are low. And that's what we've what we've really taught is like, hey, when you're feeling this way, when when you feel like you want to be with dad and mom, come say your love tanks are low so we can get a hug in there. The other thing that my wife is really good at with our with our youngest ones. So uh with our youngest son who's three, he'll do his his, you know, his things that three-year-olds do when he wants mom's attention or dad's attention. And my wife does a really good job just holding him or bringing him in and just sitting him on her lap. Or, you know, you're on the phone, how much harder is it to just have him sit on your lap while you're doing that? She works from from home too. So one of the things is sometimes he'll come in and then she'll be on a phone or something, and she'll be like, and then he'll sit on her lap while she's on a phone call. I I think that that kids are all about connection. And I think the importance of them feeling connected constantly. There were so many times growing up where I just wanted a hug, just wanted to be held, especially when I was younger. I just remember that the importance of that of kids just feeling held and connected like that. How if that's important for me, how much more important is that for kids I've worked with or even my own kids? I do, I I had a boss that was really good at noticing that, and I remember having a seven-year-old, and she was she was acting out really heavily. She was punching staff and she got real aggressive. We tried all the tricks, tried everything, tried the redirections, tried to get her some food, tried to do all these things, and it comes over and he says, and he talks in that kind of Texas accent, and he says, Hey little girl, do you need a hug? And she's like, Yes, and she just melts in his arms. And then she starts crying and then can get really back into it. I think the importance of just hugging kids and those kids feeling connected is really important. And we forget that sometimes, especially. I mean, Danny, you hit it. How many times do I end up my love tanks are low. My my ability to handle things are low. And then I go into my house and I don't handle it the best.

SPEAKER_02 14:17

So, what are some common ways kids make bids for connection that are both could be both positive and negative?

SPEAKER_03 14:23

Kids like to like to show us drawings, watch this kind of thing. Those are good ones. Look what I can do. Yeah.

unknown 14:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:29

I remember my girls watch me do a cartwheel. I'm like, I just watch you do a cartwheel.

SPEAKER_03 14:34

Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

Do another one.

SPEAKER_03 14:36

Do another one. A thousand times. I had I had ten of those at one time. Yeah, you did. Watch ten cartwheels over and over.

SPEAKER_05 14:44

I think other ways that they go for us sometimes in positive, it gets negative, is those ones where you're on the phone and you look up and they've got a cape and a dinosaur mask on, and and and then they're walking around the house all funny, trying to make you laugh when they know you're on a serious call. Like my oldest is the best at that. And then he'll come out with some random thing and he walks all funny. And and I'm trying not to laugh because I'm in a moment where I'm trying to be serious, and he just keep doing it. Just keep moving it, keep moving it. You're not gonna laugh, Dad. Like he those are fun. One of the things that I don't know the kids do this anymore, but I remember as a kid, every time you were somewhere with your grandparents, your aunt and your uncles, whatever, we would do those mini talent shows, and we would all come out and sing, and then we'd do whatever, and then we'd put on a play for them, and it was always terrible. But all they don't stop and they watched you do it, and they gave you praise, and it was like three minutes long, and they moved on the day. And I worry, do kids do that anymore? Or are we so lost in our stupid iPads and phones? Man, what a great comment.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

Because I remember doing that for my family, like doing magic tricks or doing things, or you know, and I'm an only child, so all attention was on me. So it was phenomenal, you know. But I I think that that's you know, when I'd have time with with my larger family, my cousins, we would do stuff like that. And that was that's kind of it's memorable now, like you know, 30 years later. Oh yeah. Um, we joke about putting on magic shows and stuff, and and you know, my parents just sitting there kind of laughing and watching and being okay with it, but that's a really good point.

SPEAKER_05 16:07

There's things like that we miss now. Yeah. And that was a great way for you and your parents talking about attention seeking, connection seeking. It was it was connection. And like I remember one of my nieces back before I born I had kids, she was like three, and she was super into Wizard of Oz back then, and she was walking around assigning us all parts, and then tell us what to say. In that moment, Devin got all the attention, and she was three, you know, and and it was such a good thing, but do we do that anymore? And I think that worries me. Like, now I can sound like an old guy. It worries me when I go to the restaurant and I look around and there's not that's not happening. And we used to get a lot of attention at restaurants, and you would crawl under the table and you'd mess with your parents' shoes, and you crawl back up, and you do all those things, or try to crawl, and then you and your sister, when they're not looking and they turned around, you both try to crawl under the table and go to the other side without did they notice that we switched? Right. You do the you did those kind of things as kids, but that doesn't happen anymore. I'm not seeing the kids doing silly things at the tables anymore at the restaurants, they're all on their phones.

SPEAKER_04 17:01

It's funny you say that because I think of being a target and being at just happened, my son crawling out of the clothes and like you know, throwing his arms out. And I was like, oh my gosh, I need to get him on a on a on a device right now. Where's my phone at? Because it's embarrassing a little bit, right? So it but there's a joy in some of that stuff that we've kind of lost a little bit. There's a fun and a joy in raising kids and seeing that that there's a fear. That's a really good point.

Toddlers Versus Teens Need Connection

SPEAKER_05 17:27

Yeah, yeah, and yeah, because remember, restaurants used to be so loud. Yeah, and they're not anymore. Which is great if you're going there for peace, but uh, I'm not sure it's good for kids. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

All right, so how do bids for attention differ at various developmental ages? Maybe what's the difference between a bid for attention for a toddler versus a bid for attention for a teenager?

SPEAKER_05 17:44

Depends on the teenager, but they could look really similar.

unknown 17:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:49

You know, it's interesting, like uh raising girls. I think about their my daughter's my older daughter's bids for attention with me. It's a lot more messing with me about who she's dating or those type of things, or it's a little bit more complex now just to get to realize what's going on or to get some level of of relationship. There's a part there too when they get older, they just want to be in their rooms. That's that's the hard part I'm struggling with with my my daughter right now as a 16-year-old. She's in her room, and you know, I I feel like I have to stick my fingers under the door to get attention from her, which I'll do, you know, I'll do things to get attention from her because she'll want to be in her room and she'll be on her phone. I'll be like, hey, come hang out with us. And I caught myself the other day saying a phrase my dad used to say, This is a home, not a hotel. And as soon as I said it, I was like, oh no, it turned into my dad. I swore I'd never say that phrase, you know, because I want her to be involved. But she, she's a it's interesting. They get to that age, they they kind of they like to be a little bit further away.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

But but also like how you I like how you don't ever stop trying to engage. Yeah, you know, it's it's it's uh to get a little religious. I tell Josh this all the time, hey, God never stops looking for you, right? Your parents never should stop looking for their kids. Right? We never stop because we fall away sometimes, right? We have our thoughts and our stuff. As as teenagers, I completely understand. I didn't really want to, I don't need my mom as much, right? I I was a little more independent. But man, it was so cool when she'd check in on me, or my dad would come say something, right? You know, like hey, I still matter. It's just a different level of conversation. I'm like you, I'm very playful. I play with my daughter a lot. But you know, my daughter just needed a hug and a little peck on the cheek, and hey, I love you, babe, and I just want you to know we're out here if we need us. You know, I know that you're doing your fun. Versus my grandsons who just want to be around you all the time and grabbing your legs, and you know, golly, these kids don't ever go away. So that's the difference, right? In the teen and in like a toddler. Oh my gosh. I mean, it's the energy difference, the neediness that they have. We know it's funny, it's the complete opposite. They need and want everything from you, everything you could give. I was laughing at what you were saying earlier, uh, how about how you not laughing, this is not wrong, wrong, wrong choice of words, but you know how you had to take a break in in the car first to get in, right? Because you still gotta be dad when you walk in the door. Just recently, I had to be grandpa when I walk in the door. So I le like you said, I had to leave it all outside. But I what I did was I made myself a script, right? So from for my kids, you know, I had a ritual. I it was a ritual. I'd go, you know, give my daughter a kiss, go help my son, and you know, make sure I they I see I see my wife first always. Then I go find my kids. Every time I walk in the house from a long day at work, those are the things I'm gonna do, and they know it. And there's no no matter where they're at. Or when they walk in from practice, whatever. But those grandsons, it was so my my ritual, and this drove everybody in the house nuts, so John's not gonna be surprised. I walk in and go, Where's my boys? Right? And they run over and I pick them up, and I I just rope the whole entire house, you know. You know, and that's because that that's you know, that's the energy I want them to know. I want them to know that, yeah, man, work, work sucked today, but they don't need to know that. Like they don't need to know my problem, right? I could go talk to my wife about that or whatever, right? You know, but you have a script for how do I how do they know what I'm doing? Plus, that now I'm making the bid for attention, right? I need their attention too. I want to know my kids love me. You know, and that's so that's that's really cool, Judah, that you you do that with your daughter stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_05 21:02

Well, I think one of the things you both kind of touched on this between toddlers and teens, generally when you're giving the toddler attention, it's well received. Teens still needs the attention, but they need the attention, but they've got to have the aloofness because they're looking for their own dependent independence. When they do that, I think as parents sometimes we think they don't want us around or they're just trying to shut us down or whatever. But no, they want us to annoy them. One of the things I used to tell my staff that we used to get real frustrated with their teenagers is well, you know, Danny, I was like, no, I want you to be annoyingly reassuring. Like you need to be that annoying parent because I know they're acting annoyed and they're doing whatever right now, but deep down inside, they need that from you. And that's your job right now is to be so annoyingly there that they know you're there because they need that reassurance. Because we all remember in our aloofness, in our hiding in our room, in our I'm too cool for that dad, or I'm too cool for that mom, whatever it was we were doing. Toddlers oddly sometimes seem more secure in who they are and who what other people think about them than teenagers do. And teenagers sometimes attention seeking a teenager looks like substance abuse. It looks like Attention. It looks like their grades are falling and they want to know that you've noticed. They will mess up things. Unfortunately, because they're teenagers, they don't think that through because their brains are developed. That thing can get them in trouble and it's a little bit scarier. But that's one of the things we have to be aware of in teens is they do this push, and you just have to keep leaning in on that push because they still need it. And if we don't supply it and we back away when they push, then the cry for attention is going to be cutting. It's going to be substance abuse. It's going to be all the things, promiscuity, things you don't want. Because even though they're pushing away, you still gotta, you still gotta fill the lift tank, even if they're holding you off. Yeah. That's a hard part as a parent of a teenager is to drop my own stuff and see behind it, to see that okay, yeah, I can be annoying, Dad, but if we all think back, there were times where our parents annoyed us so much, but under the annoyance was the security that came with it. I'm going to embarrass you in front of people. And I'm going to make sure that you know that I'm here. Yeah. Yeah. Because I know deep down in you still need that. And when you're 30, you'll thank me for it. Yeah. You know. Because they're also going to learn from you about that.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

You know, being a teenager is like being in a maze. You know, you don't know how which way to go. You don't know anything. One thing I learned from a maze book when I was a young kid was just keep your hand on the right wall. So parents just be the wall, be there. So when they need to reach out, they can touch you. You know, be around. And then you can you can help be the wall to the maze. Because they're going to get out of teenage hood eventually. But I like that. I like that analogy of keep pushing back because it feels bad. Probably it feels bad when your kids seem to not want you around. It it's it's terrifying. You know, they they like their friends more than me. But at the end of it, you know, now that my kids are adults, they tell you they appreciated that stuff. So, you know, hold to hope of that, right? Because my wife and I never stop. You know, we we we reinforce what needs to be reinforced. We said our pieces of things because they have to have the knowledge. Now, what they choose to do with that knowledge is up to them. But we never let them go, right? We can so I'd yeah, that's that it's a it's about being brave a little bit as a parent, a lot braver.

Final Takeaways And Requests

SPEAKER_04 23:48

I think about my uh my mom. Uh she had this thing that she would do every day. Uh, she dropped me off at high school, and I remember she'd take me by a certain building, I'd get out, she'd roll down the window, and she'd make sure to scream at the top of her lungs, I love you so much, Judah. And uh, you know, I remember at one point her doing that and uh yelling back to her, like, I love you too, mom. And uh I remember everyone just kind of looking over. And my mom, she did it every single day, and that was my response back. And I remember my mom saying when I got older, she's like, Nothing was better than when you turned around and screamed back at me that you loved me. And she's like, it's one of those things that she's like, I was trying to kind of embarrass you, but I also wanted you to know that I loved you embarrassingly enough. And and she's like, that I would I'm I'm okay with embarrassing myself and looking ridiculous because I love you and I care for you, you know? But I I think that those in those important things that we show our kids and that we're willing to, like you said, Danny, I really like the idea of embarrassing your yourself at a ball game. Because man, watching basketball is and I don't go to a lot of basketball games for my daughter because I j I can't watch sports. It's just something in my DNA. I know a lot of guys can do it, but it's not something my dad ever did. It's not it's not something I can do. I think the importance of my my wife's dad would go to every single one of her games, and then he would be embarrassing. He got kicked out of a couple of games, and I and I I think there's a piece there of learning to do that for your kids and them seeing that you know, I need to do better at. But I think that that's really kind of a cool thing to to keep in mind, the importance of not just your own kids, but kids that you work with. And here on Ranch, I think it's really cool when you know the kids will will want to go to state and that they want to go to state so that they can uh have their whole team and their house parents and and all the kids go. And and then that's an important because we had a kid just recently, he went to regionals and wrestling and he pulled me aside and he's like, Hey, I just need to know if I make it to state, can my home go? That was the first thing he said, can my can my home go? He's like, Because I I want you there, I want my house parents there, I want my caseworker there, I want as many people on my like that can go. And I remember I was like, Hey, I'll have to check, but I'm gonna be honest with you. Yes, yes. I said, I'll have to check. And I said, I said, I'll have to check. But here's here's the thing. And I immediately made the call, was able to get back with him and said, Hey, I was told yes, they'll make it happen. So it now the kid didn't make state, but at the same time, the idea for him that we were gonna be there and that people were gonna be there was big. It was so big to him, he he wanted to know beforehand. Hey, if I make it, is it okay? Yeah, it was cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:34

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SPEAKER_00 26:52

Thank you for listening to Brain-Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for CalFarley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.