Self-Care Plan For Busy Caregivers pt 1

You can’t pour patience into your kids when your own tank has been empty for weeks. We discuss  what self-care really means for parents, foster parents, and caregivers and why it’s one of the most “brain-based parenting” skills we can practice.

We start with the real-life stuff: workouts, quiet time with music, crafts, getting outside, and simple alone time. Then we dig into the deeper definition of self-care as intentional choices that help manage stress and regulate emotions. We also call out the biggest trap busy families fall into: believing self-care has to be a big, perfect event. Instead, we talk about small daily actions that prevent caregiver burnout, reduce resentment, and keep conflict from turning into a running scoreboard of old hurts.

We explore warning signs like bitterness, joylessness, apathy, and the slow loss of connection in the home, plus how self-care teaches kids to care for their own mental health and physical health. You’ll hear practical, time-efficient strategies like taking short breaks, packing snacks, combining movement with parenting, and planning ahead to reduce decision fatigue. We also unpack boundaries, saying no, and how to reframe guilt so self-care feels less like selfishness and more like responsible leadership in your family.

If this conversation helps, subscribe to the show, share it with a parent who’s running on fumes, and leave a review so more families can find Brain-Based Parenting.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Big Question

0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock. Hello and welcome. Today we're going to discuss the extremely important aspect of parenting, self-care. To do that, today I'm joined by Sam Cerna, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs. Cole Smith, I work in the Transitional Living Program. Julia Ortega, Direct Care Staff Training Specialist. All right. So let's jump in with our question of the day.

Go-To Self-Care Habits That Work

0:48

What is your go-to self-care activity? I'll say that while I've been much less good about it in the new year, which I think is the opposite of what's supposed to be true, probably my go-to is trying to start off my morning with a workout. My go-to is gonna be some kind of quiet time with music. I like to listen to music and maybe a craft, do something, but music will be involved. Yeah, mine's too. I like to get up early and just spend time alone. And sometimes I do play some video games or watch some watch some videos. Mine's getting outside and just either going for a walk or going for a jog or run. I wouldn't say I actually run anymore. More just kind of log, move. Move, yeah.

What Self-Care Really Means

1:27

All right. We're talking about self-care. So how do you personally define self-care and what role does it play in your life as a parent or a caregiver? I mean, I guess I would define self-care as intentional choices or activities that you make that help manage your stress and regulate your emotions. Yeah, my mind's simple. I I look at self-care as just things that keep me going, keep keep me motivated in my body going. I just think of things that help me like stay in my rhythm, stay calm and stay on focused and on task. Yeah. And it's super important as a caregiver that you're not reacting to every difficult situation that pops up when working with kids, your own kids or someone else's kids, just because there's always going to be something that's popping up every day. Yep. And if every disruption throws you off that you can't manage and regulate and respond appropriately, it can create chaos really quickly. Yeah, well, I think stress creates, uh, and as an analogy, it creates an amount of heat, right? You can only take so much before maybe it blows. So, you know, taking care of yourself helps to keep you calmer and able to manage more difficult situations.

The Myths That Block Self-Care

2:31

So, what are some common misconceptions or barriers that parents and caregivers face when trying to prioritize self-care? I don't have time. I think that's the first thing I think of too. We feel like we don't have time to do self-care. Yeah, and I think a lot of times we think of self-care as like a big event where we have to block off an hour of time and spend it in silence or getting a massage or something big, as opposed to all the little choices that you can make that help set you up for success through your day. I think when I was younger too, I thought self-care meant exercise. Like I I didn't really consider emotional, spiritual, and physical aspects of self-care. It all just it all just seemed like it was should be exercise, some kind of physical activity that equaled self-care. Yeah, I think a lot of people equate it to that, but at the same time, I think it's um whatever everybody needs, or whatever I need, whatever you need. Also, I was thinking that it's kind of like food. Like sometimes I need a snack, right? Well, sometimes I need to go do something to calm myself down, or it doesn't have to be a ritual that I'm doing every morning, for example. Sometimes that's helpful. But if you have a chaotic life, sometimes you gotta do it when you can. Like, so I need this now. Maybe I can cut out a 10-minute walk or I can eat eat a healthy snack or something like that

Warning Signs And Family Fallout

3:42

for myself. So, what might some signs be that a parent or a caregiver may be neglecting their own self-care? And how would this affect the family dynamic? You know, sometimes people parents, I remember I remember just seeing people look tired as parents, they're tired, especially you got babies and they're waking up at all hours, right? And so I think one of the signs I always saw was, you know, around their eyes, they look so tired. And so they they're not maybe just prioritizing that because they're too busy just trying, like trying to make meet the needs of the kids. Yeah, and I wonder if maybe if you're starting to feel bitterness or resentment towards your schedule, your family members, some of those relationships, that might be a sign that you're not prioritizing enough self-care or attending to your own needs if you're starting to view the other members of your family negatively or with bitterness or resentment. I think also too, if you stop doing things that you like to do, can also be a sign that you need some self-care if you just kind of get into survival mode and you're not doing the things that bring you joy or kind of recharge you. Yeah, and I heard I heard resentment from Cole, you know, how does that affect the family dynamics? You know, spouses fight, there's more arguments in the in the home or less patience and tolerance. So those are things that self-care really does affect. Yeah, and I think whenever, you know, resentment and bitterness seep in, then every conflict is no longer about the actual conflict or situation. That's when people stop fighting fair and they start bringing in the other things that have nothing to do with it. And so now it becomes very hard to resolve or move past in a healthy way whenever new situations do come up. When you're already in that spot too, when you're not taking care of yourself and you start feeling resentment, you start feeling bad, like it's harder than to get yourself out of that situation than if you would make time for self-care, you know, too for maintenance. You guys talked about bitterness, joylessness. What about apathy or indifference? How does that play into, or how is that a warning sign for self someone lacking of self-care? What might be the impact with that? Because I think I see it as you just get yourself so dry, you don't have anything poured into you where you just don't have the energy anymore and you just kind of lose that motivation to want to do the things that used to kind of motivate you and encourage you and energize. Do you see that being a part of that as well? Yeah, and I and I think when you start building in or start feeling that apathy, then so many of the activities that you use to enhance relationship building and make connections with uh the people in your family are some of the first things to drop. So all of those outdoor activities or creative activities that you can do together as a family, those get dropped whenever that apathy builds in. And so it it builds in on itself. Or now you're not having those moments that kind of bind the family together and help strengthen that relationship. Yeah, I mean, I what I'm hearing you say, I think is that that apathy creates the thing that we don't need is the loneliness. You're stopping those connections and no longer wanting to enjoy those things with other people because you're for whatever reason you're not feeling good enough to go take care of yourself, which creates maybe a cyclical problem or a compounding problem.

Teaching Kids Bodies And Brains

6:41

So, how does practicing self-care teach children about the importance of maintaining their own mental and physical well-being? I think I have used this phrase on this podcast before, but me and my wife use the language of doing things that are good for our bodies and our brains a lot with our kids. Now our kids are between five and ten, so it's a pretty accessible language to say, hey, yeah, we do this. We work out because it's good for our bodies or hand our brains a lot of times. We are drinking water because it's good for our bodies. We're eating frequent snacks because we know that when we're not eating, we get grouchy and it's bad for our brains. And so we just name it a lot of times. This is why we're making this choice. Hey, let's all sit down and color and draw. We all seem to be it it seems to be good for our brain and we treat each other better whenever we're doing stuff like that. And I think when you can draw attention to it and be intentional about being intentional about it, kids can respond to that. They they can understand that concept of doing things that are good for their bodies and brains. Well, I think it's important too that you guys do that with your kids. Like we have to role model that for our kids, or they're not gonna learn it until they have a crisis. So I think that's important that we're role modeling that to our kids and and we're naming it for ourselves and our kids. Yeah, I think Josh, you've talked before about you had always done your Bible reading the officer at work, and your kids asked you about why you don't ever read your Bible. And it wasn't that you weren't, but it was just a practice you did off in a different location with them, and they missed that that was a central part of kind of your daily rhythms and activities. Yeah, if they don't see it, then it doesn't happen. Right. And yeah, so I think it's so important that we model what we want the kids to reflect.

Self-Care Versus Aftercare

8:16

So when might be the best time to practice self-care then? Before you're in a crisis. I think it's best, it's best to be in a rhythm, right? My my mornings look the same. I get up at the same time, I try to build a routine for myself. And for a reason is that it helps me to keep keep doing it every day because I know that at 5 30, this happens. I go on a walk. If it's bad outside, I have a backup plan. I can do my indoor workout or whatever I want to do. Or if I'm if I got a reading time where I read, I used to you know do all those things. There's no rhythm. So when it's built into my my schedule, it's less likely that chaos happens, right? And if it does happen, I can maybe just readjust that, right? Yeah, so I got sent some pretty interesting social media material. And I think the the author was Dr. Ashley Solomon, and she used the language of self-care versus aftercare, and saying both can be very beneficial. And she defined it as aftercare is the thing you do once you're already overextended. And I think a lot of times it's the things we think of where someone taking a spa day or needing a big massage or a mental health day versus self-care being, you know, I take a regular, regularly scheduled PTO and time away from work. I have professional boundaries where I don't bring work stuff home. I am making good food decisions that help my mind and body. And doing all those regular things she defined as self-care and those bigger things that maybe after you've already been over extended, that's the aftercare. And sometimes they're they're both needed. You might might hit a season where you are extended, and that's just what life required in that moment. Family crisis, work crisis, and different circumstances can require that, but it's not the same thing as intentional, consistent self-care. Yeah. Self-care, I think, are just things that are built, like Sam and Cole both said, are just things that are built into your routine. They're just part of your daily routine. They help you maintain. They're not things that you do because of a reaction to something that has caused you stress or a buildup of something that's caused stress. They're just those daily things that you can do to maintain your self-care. Yeah, I think self-care is one of those interesting things. I think we all know that we're supposed to do it, right? Like Sam, you should do self-care. Cole, you should do self-care. Julie, you should do self-care. But shocker, eat right and exercise. Yeah, good for you. Who knew? Yeah. But I'm like too busy to do it, right? I that's the excuse we all all say. But really, if we don't make a plan to do it ahead of time, then we will probably have to come up with some more drastic things down the road to combat that. The best time to come up with a plan is before a crisis happens, as opposed to responding, and you know, it's an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. Even though we're all busy, it is, I think, really important to prioritize self-care in our lives.

Fast Self-Care For Real Life

10:52

So, what might be some practical, time-efficient self-care practices that busy parents or caregivers can incorporate into their daily schedules? Well, I think somebody said this earlier. It doesn't have to be an hour workout, it doesn't have to be anything. I mean, I think you can build anything into your schedule. The I don't have time really, that's just talking real. It's just an excuse. I mean, there's 24 hours in the day. I mean, if if I need to go to bed earlier, maybe I can control that. If I need if I need to control waking up earlier, I can control those things, right? If I'm if I'm in the middle of a day, I mean, my my day typically looks the same for me. That doesn't mean that's true for everybody else, but I think everybody can squeeze in something, whether that's reading a Bible verse or we re doing something that just recharges your batteries. I think it's different for everybody. I'm imagining, say, you're a parent or caregiver, but you also go to an office job. I don't know about anyone else who sits in front of their computer a lot, but there's only so much productivity that occurs if I stay seated in my chair for three hours in a row. And if I will take that break at after 45 minutes, stand up, go walk around, go get something to drink, go grab a snack. My next, you know, even though I took a 10-minute break, I'll get more done in that next five minutes than I would have done in that last 10 minutes. And it's a better hour than if I had just worked on straight through. And so if if if that's your setting, maybe it's taking those small breaks. Maybe it's bringing, you know, small, healthy snacks, a you know, a beef stick or some fruit, something that you can use to not feel like you're dying or crashing in the afternoon. Yeah, if you're with your kids all day long, maybe that's your role. Having time where this is our creative time together. Coloring is good for kids for self-care. It's also good for most adults for self-care. And something they're more likely to engage in if you're sitting next to them doing it also. And so I think you can get some benefit both for yourself and for them. And if they're getting some regular self-care, maybe that will help the rest of your day look a little less stressful, also. And also combining things. So if if I have kids and we're at home and I gotta take care of something, why I take my kids with me or I walk, or maybe my self-care is walking and I now I need a stroller or my kids are gonna walk with me. It might mean I walk a little snower, slower, but I'm still getting something in and building it. Also goes back to the other thing, right? We're also teaching and modeling at the same time. So that I think that makes it pretty time efficient to just combine things, take stairs instead of walking. I I've read that stuff. I like packing, packing your own snacks and do all that the night before. So it kind of limits the the amount of choices you have to make when you're preparing earlier. So as you, if I prepare things at night or my workout stuff's out in the night time, or my snacks are prepared at night. Well, when I go to work, I don't have any, I have less deterrent to do the things I need to do to take care of myself. Pack my book, the book I'm gonna read on my break, or whatever it is for everybody's different self-care. There's a way to get ahead and plan a little bit better. So even if your day goes sideways, you you might just have the thing you need with you or do the thing you need to do. Yeah, my my wife has been stressed out before on work trips. If she only has one book and she thinks she might finish it before she gets done. And so she'll take like two or three. I was like, There's no way you're gonna read them. She's like, Yes, but if I have downtime or if there is a break, I will have options and I'll have my books with me. And just that little bit of time creates lots of options for you later. I am the same way I'll overpack things to do instead of overpacking changes of clothes or anything like that. I also think that if I'm taking better care of myself during my workday, if I'm taking those breaks, I'm getting up. Josh and I had a conversation the other day about I like to go sit on the patio with the windows, especially if it's raining or snowing. I like to sit out there and read, or I might take my break out there just for a few minutes, just that change of pace and being in the sunshine and help. So if I'm taking better care of myself during my work day, I'm gonna have a better evening at home

Boundaries And The Power Of No

14:36

after work. So, how does setting boundaries play into self-care? Well, as it relates to a professional, right? I mean, I I mean all of us are parents, right? So if we're on VOM at work, for example, I have to set boundaries, especially because well, I supervise people right today. And I would say that it's pretty good about setting boundaries. Hey, I you know, at this time, these are times I'm reachable. If it's if it's not an emergency, just shoot me an email, I'll get to it when I can. If it's uh if you need to talk to me within the next hour, just shoot me a text, or if you need to, if you need me now, call me. But I found this way that I can balance because when I go home, I have to spend time with my family because that's what recharges me, right? Work's always gonna be there. Uh our jobs are busy. We have very busy everybody. I can't say anybody's job is not busy, but some of us gotta take work home a little bit. And I think setting those boundaries with work is imp I think also there's setting boundaries with other people. I mean, some people expect you to do a lot of things. Hey, I can you help me with this? Can you help me with that? Or I have this event, I have that, and I overpack, you know, and I'll overstuff my schedule. But those things don't leave me any time to take care of the things I need to take care of, which is me, you know, me and my family, right? And so setting boundaries is super important. Yeah, I think regardless of the setting, you know, personal, professional, that willingness to say no whenever it's it's not a problem that only you can uniquely solve. There's lots of things that other people are just as well suited and can do just as good a job as you can. And so being willing to say no is kind of one in acknowledgement of humility. You you're not indispensable, you are not needed for every single thing, and it protects you for the things that maybe you are a little bit more indispensable for. No, my my role within my family unit is much harder for anyone else to replicate than my role up at work. I've there's lots of supervisors, lots of people that can help with a lot of different situations. My wife only has one husband, my kids only have one dad. So that that's not a those aren't tasks that can be delegated to others. So my willingness to say no in those other settings helps me maintain my energy and kind of keep those priorities for for that setting. I think one thing for me that I've had to learn about setting boundaries and saying no, because that's very difficult for me still, even though I know I can easily overextend myself by not saying no. I think have learned that I don't have to give an answer right now in this moment. And that has given me a little bit more freedom to say no. Is if I allow myself the time to step back and say, What do you need? What can you do? Can can it be done another way? Sometimes helps me. So I think that has helped me. Not necessarily learning to say no, but if I give myself some time and space to think about it before I give a yes or a no, then a lot of times I can come up with a better answer.

Dropping Guilt And Reframing The Story

17:12

How can parents overcome feelings of guilt when taking time for themselves or setting boundaries? I think you just have to tell yourself that by taking care of yourself, you're doing the best thing for the people around you, the people you love and care about, your family, your coworkers, the people that you're in charge of. If you're not taking care of yourself, that's just gonna filter into all those other units. And so I think you just have to be able to tell yourself this is what's important for everybody, not just for me. Yeah, it's all the story that we tell ourselves around the situation, is the story that I'm letting everyone down and I'm selfish, or it's the story that if I do this this time for me, make these choices, then I show up better for everyone else. And if you can reframe that story is this is how I show up best for everyone else, then there's nothing selfish about making the choices to take care of yourself. I also think that just being honest, if it's about people asking you for your time, I think let's be honest with them about what's going on. Like, hey, I I just can't, you know, because you know part of the guilt too is sometimes we have to, or some people feel like they might have to tell a lie. I'm busy or whatever it is when really I just want to sit at home tonight and do nothing. Hey, let's just be honest. Hey, right now I can't do that. That would that makes you feel less guilty about compounding your problem, right? So because it is hard to say no. Let's acknowledge that. I mean it it's hard. I want to help people, but sometimes I just gotta help me and my wife, and sometimes she needs my time. And you know, I had my grandkids live with me for a while and they took an immense amount of effort. I didn't have a lot of things I wanted to do with all the things I had to do to help take care of these two little boys. And so we we have to because you said it, Colin, you said it well, I think too, is that if if I overextend, I I'm no good to anybody. Then and I can also become resentful. And hey, I don't want to, I'm, you know, I'm not helping these people. They didn't respond well, or you know, I feel too guilty, so then I I avoid or pull out and uh of things. And you know, it can mess up your social circle. It it could it could, you know, really, really harm us more. So it's sometimes it's just better just to say, hey, not right now, I can't, but I'd I'll be happy to help if you ask next time, you know. Yeah, I had a kind of random work request come the other day and really just kind of responded with, hey, I can help under these parameters, this time frame. Is that still helpful? And kind of finding out if if what what I can offer is still helpful, I'm glad to do it. But if those parameters aren't helpful anymore, then then that's fine. That's a great time to go find someone else. I think something that I've tried to start doing with my family or friends, people that are close to me, is if you know something comes up and they choose self-care over whatever has come up, like our daughter right now is planning a wedding. So she her time is super, super valuable. And how she spends it uh matters right now. And so if I ask her if she wants to go do something and she says, I really just need a nap, then I try to say to her, I'm glad that you chose self-care over going to do this because that also helps me remember for myself to choose self-care whenever I need to. So that's nice. A

Contact Info And Closing Thoughts

20:08

good way to put it. All right, thank you so much for joining us today. And hopefully, listening to us each week is part of your self-care plan. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll make sure I leave a link in the description. And as always, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back. Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.