Stopping the Work-to-Home Stress Loop: How to Reset After Work

Work stress can quietly take over a home, and our kids often react before we even notice what’s happening in us. We share brain-based ways to reset after work, talk to your spouse with respect, and teach kids coping skills without chasing perfection. 
• warning signs of overwhelm, including short tempers, checking out, and sudden behavior shifts 
• how adult stress lowers capacity, creativity, and flexibility at home 
• why kids mirror our stress responses and may blame themselves 
• age-appropriate ways to talk about stress and invite problem solving 
• “redo” moments, repair, and apologies as resilience lessons 
• the power of structure, routine, and shared calendars for regulation 
• better timing and tone for hard spouse conversations 
• transition rituals like walks, music, and commute boundaries 
• sustainable self-care through sunshine, community, and small daily choices 
• kid-friendly coping tools like rhythmic activity, highs and lows, and fun baths 
• when to seek professional services, even proactively 
• partnering with teachers as part of a wider support system 
Write in with questions of your own. The email address is podcasts at calfarley.org. 
Also, if you haven't already, please follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review. 

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Transcript

Welcome And Today’s Big Question

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

SPEAKER_00 0:31

Welcome everyone. Today we're going to talk about how not to let work stress negatively impact your home life. To do that, today I'm joined by Suzanne Rott.

SPEAKER_05 0:39

I'm the Vice President of Training and Intervention.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

Chloe Hewitt, I'm an assistant administrator of residential programs. Katherine Clay, Director of Clinical Services.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

All right, so let's kick off with our question of the day. And since we're talking about managing stress today, I thought we would ask you what your favorite way to decompress after a long, hard day of work is.

SPEAKER_01 0:58

I can go first. So if I get my choice, what I would thoroughly enjoy is a workout. But that doesn't always happen after work now since I have littlers. A lot of times my workout comes at 5 a.m. And so I would say probably a family walk or playing with my kids or even just talking to a friend or my sister is in my way of decompressing as well.

SPEAKER_04 1:15

I do not work out closely. But similarly, I find that a phone call with someone that I'm very familiar with that has at least a little bit of awareness of my work and it had and sharing a little bit of space, either through phone call or face-to-face conversations helpful. But I also have small children, and so a lot of times it's being outside. It's just being outside in the sunshine, playing something my kids want to play, and that's a pretty good boundary of turning work off and home on. So trying to be intentional about that space.

SPEAKER_05 1:47

I too like to take a walk, but I also like to read. And so if I have the opportunity to read something probably historical fiction, nothing work-related, nothing that I'm expected to retain or learn from, then I find that that's a great way to decompress. How about you, Josh?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

I like to go for walks. My wife and I we live next next to a pretty nice park and we take our dogs for a walk around the park. And that's usually our way to just kind of talk everything out from the day and get some exercise.

A Listener Email Raises The Stakes

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Alright, so this week we're gonna do something a little bit different. A few weeks ago, we got an email address for our podcast, podcasts at calfarley.org. And we asked if anyone needed any parenting advice that they could email us and we would respond. So today we're gonna be responding to our first email. It says, Hi there, I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now. I'm reaching out because our family's been having a tough time lately, and I'm hoping you can help. I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband has a really demanding job. Lately, when he comes home, he's often grumpy and worn out. He hasn't always been this way. He used to be way more relaxed when he was off work, but now his stress follows him home and it's affecting the whole family, including our two boys who are seven and eleven. Our evenings have become pretty tense, with short tempers and just an overall sense of unhappiness that we can't seem to shake. Our usually happy and energetic kids have started picking up on his moods, and I've noticed they're more irritable and withdrawn. It's really tough to see them affected by all the stress. Do you have any advice to help him unwind after work and get into a better mindset when he gets home? I'd also love to hear some tips on how to talk to our kids about stress and teach them healthy ways to cope. Thank you so much for your help. I really enjoyed the podcast. I'm looking forward to any support you can give us. Jenny H. Ames, Iowa. Thank you, Jenny, for reaching out, and we'll do our best to try and help you

Warning Signs Of Overload

SPEAKER_00 3:25

out today. So let's go ahead and talk about stress and work and stuff. So, what what would you say are some of the warning signs that a spouse is maybe overwhelmed by stress?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

I think you see short-temperedness or things are easily agitating them that are small, that normally they we would think, hey, why are you upset about that? Just like you would with kids, you see it in us as an adult. But my husband at times will want to be on his phone more. So I like to say that he's kind of dissociating or not having a hard time engaging with us. And so, but now that we're asking this, I'm curious what he would say, how I respond to stress. And what are my warning signs? Can we get him on the phone?

SPEAKER_00 3:59

He can email us.

unknown 4:01

Podcast.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Podcast.

SPEAKER_04 4:03

That's right. I think stress is stress. It could be work stress, it could be family stress, but I think the way that we see like a spouse or a friend or whoever it may be responding to it could be a variety of different things. I think it's dependent on the person. So, like Chloe said, maybe checking out or being distant, and other people may respond by being overreactive or louder or whatever it may be. But I think if you're noticing anything outside of what typically you see, you have to get curious about it and ask, is this about stress? And then I think then you'll actually have some idea where to go with that.

SPEAKER_00 4:36

So, how can a parent's stress affect family dynamics and relationships at home?

SPEAKER_01 4:41

You know, I think we see it in many ways. I think it can be anger, it can be agitation, easily frustrated, isolation. I mean, I think you can see all that. And I find by myself a lot of times I recognize that I'm less attuned to my kids at times that I'm stressed, or I'll miss things and then think, how did I miss that? But I think because you're only capable of doing so much. And when you're under stress, I think you're less capable of what we normally are.

SPEAKER_05 5:01

I think kids are very susceptible to picking up on a parent's stress and blaming themselves. And so when when children see that their parents are stressed and that may appear that they are dissociated or they're angry or they're frustrated, kids easily blame themselves and think that they have something to do with it or they are somehow the cause. And that that never has a good outcome.

SPEAKER_04 5:25

Yeah. I think for I'm thinking just about how I my how my stress affects my family. I similar to what Chloe said, I become less creative in problem solving. I get more black and white when I'm stressed out. And then thinking about like even I mean, it could be as simple as like the question what's for dinner feels overwhelming when if I wasn't stressed out, I might have that a different experience of what's for dinner, right? And so my capacity is lower, my ability to problem solve, to think critically, to be creative, to solve problems that probably aren't big problems with my kids is another something I would struggle

How Stress Changes The Whole Home

SPEAKER_04 6:00

with or have struggled with. And I'm just not as flexible and fun with my kids, generally speaking, if I feel stressed or if I haven't been able to separate work from home.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

So what might be some signs that your kids are picking up on adult stressors?

SPEAKER_01 6:13

So the ages of my kids, I think I tend to see more temper tantrums, like or more just fits or outbursts, just because I'm like, oh, something's off. Like and they must feel it, and we're having more emotional reactions. But I also think picking up on their cues, I'll share a story recently. My youngest was real tired one night, and she knows the names of the people I work with. And so she said, Hey, did my partner and my boss, she said, did they make you work too hard today, Mom? Oh my goodness. And I said, you know, maybe mommy just worked real hard. And she said, Well, maybe tomorrow they won't make you work so hard. And so I think in saying that, that was a hard parenting moment, but I think I take cues from my kids, and what she was saying is she knew I was exhausted, and I didn't even probably realize I was that tired. And so I think even they pick up on it, like Suzanne was saying. And so I think, yes, they they pick up on all of our. So I think even them verbalizing it.

SPEAKER_04 7:02

I think for me, for mine, I think it mirrors a little bit of like me. Like if I am stressed and inflexible or can't problem solve or have a strong emotional reaction to something, that's typically what I see in my kids because they're watching how I'm handling stress. My oldest will, I don't want to say demand, that's not the right word, but if I'm not attuned and I am not meeting whatever the need is at the moment, she will make sure it happens. And that just how quickly I get it is just dependent on me because she will escalate so fast that I am forced to come back to earth and meet her need. And so that's one thing. Like, if I think if I notice something that she's doing is out of proportion to what's going on, then I realize, like, oh, she's picking up on my stuff, responding or reacting to something I'm not able to give her because I'm overwhelmed or distracted.

SPEAKER_05 7:49

I think that it's always been interesting how kids are so aware of how we as adults handle stress and they will mimic how we handle stress. So if we come home and we complain about a boss or a coworker, you're gonna see that your kids come home and complain about somebody at daycare or a teacher at school or but they will use the same phrases and words that they've heard you use. And so are you modeling a healthy response for them or not?

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:16

I think when your kids are older, I think the listener said she had boys who were seven and eleven. Was that accurate? So I think certainly by the time you have a child who's 11, that it's healthy to say, Well, something happened today at work that really stressed me out. And here's how I responded. You might also say, and here's how I could have responded. Yeah. Right. You could even pull them into the conversation and say, Hey, do you have any ideas about how I could have handled that? Right. Because then they start to learn to problem solve stressors that will come up in their lives throughout their lives, right? We don't, we don't get to that next stage of life and suddenly become stress-free, right? It's not like boy, when I graduate high school, I won't have any more problems. Or if I just get out of college or when I get married or when I have kids, I mean, there are different stressors at every stage of life. And so involving your kids in appropriate, healthy conversations about handling stressors can start at a fairly young age.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

I think too, I mean, if you're like me and really hard on yourself about parenting, I have to give myself grace knowing that I'm not going to handle it right every time. And if I can handle stress and demonstrate and model stress management well enough times, that's good. Right. And then the other times, like maybe what you're speaking about, Suzanne, where I didn't handle it right, then it can be a learning opportunity. There have been plenty of times where my oldest will say, I wish I didn't handle it that way, or I wish I didn't do this or do that. And I say to her, like, mommy has those days too. And then when I do have those days, like you said, I talked to her about it. I was like, because we had one of those days this week. And I said, Did you see how mommy struggled? I did not handle that right. And that's kind of like what you said, and that you wanted to do better. I just want you to see that everybody needs a redo. Everybody needs to try again. Everybody can learn from not handling something so well. I just think it can be overwhelming to think that you have to do as an adult or a parent that you have to do it right every single time. It's so difficult to do, and we're all human.

SPEAKER_05 10:14

Well, and and maybe even reframing that from doing it right because the opposite of that is wrong, to doing it well. Yeah. Or could I do it better? Yeah. So that that it's not a black and white situation, but we can always learn from it. You know, there are a lot of situations out here at Boys Ranch where we would have basically an after after action report. So, like after a big event out here, we have an act after action report. After a child has some type of an incident, say they get really frustrated and maybe it ends up in a fight, we would have an after-action report where we would say, Hey, what led up to that? How did you handle it? How did other people around you respond? How could you handle it differently next time? Right. And so that's the same, it's always a learning curve. Yeah. And so no matter how old you are, how long you've done work like this, you always have more to learn from that.

SPEAKER_04 11:06

Yeah. So we need after action with our kids.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

I think we do.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

That's pretty awesome.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Yeah. I mean, I think that's we've talked about this in the podcast before, but I think what's even powerful about when you do mess up or you don't feel like you did it even the way you wanted, saying that I'm sorry, or is still huge for them because we're also modeling that, hey, when you mess up later, this is how you make it right. Or also that I'm being vulnerable enough to say to you as your parent that, hey, I was wrong.

Teaching Kids Stress With Grace

SPEAKER_00 11:33

So how important are having good structure and routine when it comes to managing stress?

SPEAKER_05 11:38

You know, I think we talk about the importance of that for children all the time, but it's important for us as adults as well, right? Having a structure and routine can take care of a lot of last-minute issues that could come up, right? So if I know the structure and routine and it's the same every day, that takes a lot of effort out of my day-to-day planning, right? Yeah. So I think that that is critical, not just for children or teens, but also for adults and parents.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Yeah. I also agree. That's what I said. I'm I f even I function the best when I have my week planned out and I know what to do. I recently talked to one of my supervisors who struggles with some organization about how what how I set my day up is a lot of times my to-do list before I leave for the day is written out for what to start that I didn't accomplish today and what he needs where I need to begin tomorrow. And then, you know, I'm fixing to be on vacation. So today it was a full list of everything I wanted to wrap up to put my team in a better spot next week. And so it's just always trying to be organized because even if I'm not, I'm not going to function best. But if I also don't communicate to others, then they can't function at their best either. And I will say one of the things I was talking, I will talk a little bit about. My husband is not organized. I would love to say I tell him some things and he remembers. It's usually four or five times. And so a way that we implement it in our house was we have a whiteboard that has our the calendar and it updates with everything that we all have going on for the month because and he checks it sometimes. But for the most part, he does. And then we keep his schedule because he's a firefighter on this on the calendar on the refrigerator, because we are always ever changing at our house. But that has helped us communicate as a couple because sometimes we we have doctor's appointments and the kids' doctor's appointments and all of the things, and so it just helps us.

SPEAKER_00 13:18

Yeah, that's how we function too. I'm not sure how we would survive life without our shared calendar. Because I'm I'm just like that too. I I forget everything. If it's not on the calendar, then it it's not I'm not gonna do it. And that stresses my life out big times.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

We forgive you. It just it's just a daily forgiveness.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

I did all that I can get.

SPEAKER_04 13:36

When I see that structure and routine, I just think of like regulation, right? Like an important element, if not maybe um the most important element of programming out here is the fact that there's predictability in our community, in our day-to-day. We see the same people, I'm talking about our residents, see the same people. There's just a layer of routine predictability that in it, that in itself is creating the regulation throughout the day. And I think if we have structure and routine and that in itself is providing this rhythm that we get to follow every day, we're gonna function much better if a hiccup happens or if there is we're pulled in one way or a kid is pulled in another, it's gonna create tolerance for that stuff. And I'm thinking, like, if we have a kid that's got an eight to five, like goes to school, has all this stuff going on, but there's rhythm, it's predictable, he knows what's next, and then something bad happens at four, he's gonna cope much better because he had a day of rhythm. Rather than a kid who didn't have a day of rhythm, doesn't have good relationships, is kicked out of school, and then that bad thing happens at four, he is not gonna cope because there wasn't that set regulation throughout the day. And so the rhythm and the routine, the structure all just makes me think of that.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

So, what strategies would you recommend for talking to a spouse about bringing stress home?

Talking To Your Spouse Without A Fight

SPEAKER_05 14:47

One of the difficult things about being stressed out is that your vision narrows to yourself. And so you can have a husband who's very stressed out, possibly related to all of the demands of work, and a mother who's stressed out, possibly because of work and issues with the children and things at home. And the higher the level of stress, the more disconnected we become from our spouse, and the more focused on our own stress we become. And we forget to walk through that door and say, Hey, I'm glad to see you. How was your day? And sometimes we only say, How was your day? Because boy, I can't wait to tell you about how my day really was, right? So I need you to hurry up and spit out your little problem so that I can really tell you about my significant problem that happened. And I I think that is normal human behavior, but it sets a very bad habit and it's a bad precedent. And so I I think you have to, I think both spouses have to be willing to understand that regardless of the other spouse's situation, they endure stress too. And that you've got to create space and time for both parties to be able to discuss that and to feel heard about that. That it's never just one person undergoing stress. There's no, there's no part about being in a family that is stress-free.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Not being in any relationship with people. That's what I mean, that's what I would say. I think so, in the moment when I come home and I know my husband is stressed, and I will say that happens quite frequently with his with his firefighter schedule, sometimes he's not home for three days straight. And so, on that example, sometimes him getting back into our routine is difficult for him. And I can tell that it's not even that he's stressed coming home, but that he's trying to like acclimate back to our routine. And so if I come home and I know it's too much or I start to see it is, a lot of times I'm like, hey, we're gonna go for a walk. Do you want to go with us? And a lot of times he'll say no and he wants to decompress because he's also been around a bunch of people and he's very much an introvert. And so I will go on a walk, take the kids to the park, and then when I come home, he seems more at ease. And so a lot of times I try to take that cue to help because he might need some more space than he's and he sometimes doesn't know how to say it because he probably feels like, hey, I've left you for three days, so now I feel bad asking for some more time. So I try to pick up on that. I will say after the kids go down, if I feel like he's been short-tempered or we like I will say, Hey, same that we do with our kids. I noticed this response today. Tell me what's up, is there more going on? Type of thing. But I don't do it in front of our kids because I feel like they need to see us as a unit. And so a lot of times I try, unless it's something I'm but I try to say, hey, we're gonna go take a break or whatever. But I I try to do it after the kids are down and we can have an honest conversation, which usually I will say I'm more and more impressed by my kids. My oldest recently told him, like, you got really angry, you gotta figure out how to calm down. I think what's cool is He said that to his dad. He said that to his dad. But I think that's what's cool is that he so that's what we talked after the kids went to bed, and he was like, Man, that hurt. That's done a lot. And I said, But it's cool that like we're also raising them where they can say it. And so I think that is the strategies I implement with with our at our at our house.

SPEAKER_05 17:55

I and I think that you also have to be willing to make that decision to receive that kind of feedback. So you may be listening to this podcast and maybe you're the one that needs to receive that feedback. And it's always hard to hear criticism constructive or otherwise, you know. But sometimes we need to be willing to hear that and receive it and you know, and be motivated to work on that for the good of our family.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

Well, and I think so one of the things I had initially thought about sharing, and so one of the we go to a marriage conference every year, not because we have but just because we we care about marriage and marriage is hard. And and so one of the speakers spoke about how they gave it's like little nuggets, and so you have to give two positive nuggets and then a negative feedback, right? Like a sandwich. Yes, yeah, but you're not allowed to respond for 30 minutes, a minimum of 30 minutes. So you each give each other this info and then you can't respond for 30 minutes because basically you need to kind of mull over it and and because you automatically add our nature is to fight back or want to defend it. But also we do do a lot of good things. So it gives you a moment to give your spouse some good things, but something like if something they said hurt you or something with a kid, something. And so that is something I would also say is in those conversations, we also talk about other things, but I think that is none of us love constructive feedback.

SPEAKER_05 19:10

And so just to remember that that has worked for us. I think also remembering that in the moment of stress is not when you want to say, You're stressed out, we really need to talk about this, right? You know, so so it's like you said, you give your husband time to decompress, and then later on, yeah, you go and say, Hey, I noticed this. Could we talk about it? But but being sure that, you know, in a moment of stress, or if you say, Well, you walk through the door really angry, you know, that is never an approach that is gonna yield good results. Right, you know, so you've got to pick your time and your place and and enter that conversation with love and the intent to solve a problem rather than criticism and judgment.

SPEAKER_04 19:49

Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say, just listening to you guys talk, it sounds like the feedback given is done intentionally, with respect, with with respect of timing. You're not, it's not like a drive-by where you're giving this feedback and there's no time to even continue to talk through it. There's just like a lot of like regard and respect in how it's been done, just from your two examples that I think are really powerful.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

Are there ways to manage stress while at work or on the

Commute Rituals And Workday Reset

SPEAKER_00 20:14

way home?

SPEAKER_05 20:14

You know, I have about a 25-minute commute to and from work. And I've always really appreciated that time because it allowed me time to shift my focus. So I when my kids were younger and they were at home, I would say, okay, that was the morning shift, right? Three girls getting them up, getting them ready for school, lots of hair to be done, where do I believe my shoes, you know, that kind of thing. So that was morning shift. And then I had 25 minutes to turn my focus towards work and plan for my day and think about. And so then I would get to work and that's the second shift. And then I had the drive home. So that was time where I could say, okay, put work behind me and start to focus on the third shift. You know, what kind of things do we have going on tonight? Are there games or track or is there church time? Whatever, you know, but I could shift. And so I think just having a little bit of space is helpful. Now, the other two ladies in this conversation. Well, Catherine, you have about a five-minute commute. Now, Chloe, you have you have a longer commute now, but you lived on campus for a while. So has that changed for you? The fact that you've got now got a longer commute. Yeah, it's more stressful.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Only because I have two toddlers fighting. But they're with you. Yeah, and if I were not with you. If they were not with me, it would be very comforting. But yeah, I would say, you know, but it either way, I think because we automatically, which I'm curious what you would say, Catherine, you almost turn into mom mode. So I think that is a hard thing for me at times. And so what I kind of think I do helps manage my stress, even when I'm getting off, is a lot of times if I'm frustrated, I believe that community is healing. And I think that is truly what ranch is. And I work with a tremendous amount of people that I feel like I can say, Hey, this happened. I'm frustrated about it. I just needed to say it. There's that. And then it's gone. And so a lot of times if I can just do that to someone I trust and care about here, then I don't always take that home. I think there are still times that I won't lie that in leadership where I'm like, did I do enough today? Did I make the right decision? Who did I affect? Did I support my staff enough? How are they functioning? All of those still go home with me if I'm being honest. But I do love to listen to music and my kids love it. I think we both use this strategy that they eat we each pick a song, we all take turns. And that is kind of my break, like in that element.

SPEAKER_04 22:22

And you know, I have a couple of counselors that said who lived on campus that said I take their drive, because you know, the drive is less than five minutes. I take the drive home three times. You know what I mean? So it's a 15-minute commute. Even out here, and you know, I think there's a lot of blessings being living on campus and living close to daycare in school and all those things. There's a lot of great things about it, but you do have to kind of get creative. And my kids get picked up, you know, close to five, and my three-year-old every day says, Can we drive around for a little bit? And whatever the newest music is, or the newest, whatever that they like. And some of it's the worst music I've ever heard in my life. But we listen to it. My son gets a couple of songs that he picks, I pick a couple songs, and my daughter gets a couple songs, and by that time, they're even ready to like move into what's for dinner or my friends outside. And so I haven't really thought too much about that being what what we're saying. Like that's our transition. But they made it happen. And they even kind of make it happen in the morning too. If if we're early or we have an extra five or 10 minutes, we'll do something similar. And they've kind of made that happen, not necessarily me, but for like my specific job where I'm meeting either with clinicians or with kids for therapy services, it's it's almost like I have got to practice some type of stress management closure or like drain-off of some sort every session because it can impact. If I don't do that, it will likely impact the next client that I'm seeing or the next clinician that I'm working with. And so nearly at the end of every whatever hour, whatever time it is that I'm spending with either a clinician or a counselor, I kind of take a moment to myself and visualize myself. This kind of sounds nerdy, but I'll visualize myself picking up all the papers on my desk, putting them in the folder or the manila folder for the name of the person I was working with. This is all visualization. Put it in the filing cabinet and I'm done. And then the next person comes in and hey, how are you? We do our thing. And then when they leave, I visualize putting all their stuff away and put it in the filing cabinet because there's just so much our work is so emotionally draining and our work is hard and our work is wonderful, and our work is emotional, all these things that if if I don't have like this visualization of like closing the middle of the folder, it's really hard to separate it all. And that's kind of how I go from day to or from session to session or supervision to supervision. And I think overall, in what everybody has said, it's in it's about the intent, right? I think if we're talking about stress, when I don't notice that I'm stressed or I don't notice that I need something more than what I'm doing for my stress management, that's when it's the worst. It's like the lack of awareness in itself is such a red flag, right? And so I think that we're all since we're all aware, and even this listener is aware, that in itself says a ton about ability to make changes, ability to have to have conversations, ability to be intentional because there's plenty of us running around not even aware how stressed out we are. So I think that's really powerful. It seems like everybody's really intentional in this group that's talking about it.

SPEAKER_05 25:14

Now, Josh, you you commute quite a ways every day, about 45 minutes each way. So, what are your strategies?

SPEAKER_00 25:22

Um, we listen to a lot of music just like you guys. We listen to books on tape. One of the things we talk about too, though, is it's a 45-minute drive to town from here. And we kind of have a rule that we can talk about work until we get to a certain spot on the road. And there's a certain mile marker on the road that once we hit that, we're not allowed to talk about work anymore.

SPEAKER_05 25:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

And that's sometimes more successful than others.

SPEAKER_05 25:42

But because you commute not only with your wife, but with two of your children. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

So and that provides other issues too, because you kind of have to sometimes talk in code and what strategies would you recommend for the mom who's been at home all day with the kid and is also probably very stressed.

Sustainable Self-Care And Real Support

SPEAKER_01 25:59

So my sister is actually a stay-at-home mom. For the first like couple months, I was really trying to get her to join a group or go a gym just so that she could just have a break, because I think we all need it, and it doesn't mean we love our kids any less. It's just you also just still need a piece of you. So I have a close friend who doesn't love to work out, and she no, but I mean I but I still feel like this would uh qualify for you too. She so she joined this gym and she goes and walks or sits in the hot tub. But it's literally her time. That's what so she literally is, it gives time to herself, but it also allows the kids to play, and so that's what she really utilizes. One of the things um it recharges her. My sister joined a mom's group, which I don't know if y'all have ever heard of that. I hadn't till my sister joined it, and they actually have one here local, but I think they have them throughout the US. But basically, what it is is moms of different um ages and different ages of kids, and you can mentor them so you can join it and mentor. But what it is is an opportunity for you guys to pray, do crafts together, and do different things. And truly, they usually offer childcare with it, and so you can do that, and then you still are interacting with moms and getting some support there. Because I again I feel like community is healing, and I think finding a way to still get in and get connected with others will be because we do need a break.

SPEAKER_04 27:10

I think this just feels like a self-care kind of question, you know. And I am an advocate for sustainable self-care, and I think when we when we believe self-care is getting a massage, going on a vacation, going, you know, getting a babysitter and going out, like that stuff's fantastic and wonderful, but typically not so sustainable for moms or families for lots of reasons. It takes time, it takes money, whatever it may be. And so I really like to reframe self-care to be sustainable. And so when I'm thinking about the day-to-day for myself, it sounds probably wild, but just simply making the choice to not be inside my house but be in the sunshine. And I make that choice many times a day, depending on how long we're home, is me making a choice to do something better for myself, right? Because even just the sunshine in itself feels better to me and makes me feel more awake or more alive or whatever it may be. So it's small intentional choices like that are important. And I think too, like taking walks with my kids where that, well, that's an activity for your kid, but it's also an activity for myself, right? And then I think the things that are sustainable are relationships with people and relationships with moms and relationships with mentors or whatever it may be. And if we can start looking at like these, these small pieces of self-care rather than kind of getting weighed down with, well, I can never get a massage, I never have the time, or whatever it may be, and reframe some of that. I think it's really important as we journey through a very what I know to be days are long, you know, when you're home with kids all day.

SPEAKER_05 28:38

So I think it might be helpful to to talk to your spouse about their self-care. You know, in one of those moments, you know, if it's hard enough to think about how you do that for yourself. But in the example that we're talking about, the husband who's working long hours and bringing that stress home, and when does he have an opportunity to decompress or do something? And Chloe, you mentioned your husband is gone for a period of days before he rejoins the family and then may feel guilty about doing something away from the family, but he needs time to have that battery recharged too. So, you know, purposefully helping your spouse find time and space to do something that you encourage them to do guilt-free. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:19

Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, curiosity is so powerful, right? Like for the for the listener, I don't remember if it said how long this family stress has been going on, but like, you know, is there conversation about two months ago it seemed like things were okay and now you seem super stressed out? Tell me more about that. Yeah. Because who knows, something massive might have happened at work and he wants to hold it and keep it, and maybe it's a stressor, he doesn't want to stress her out more, whatever it may be. And I just think that curiosity around the shift is probably important.

Modeling Resilience Instead Of Perfection

SPEAKER_00 29:48

So, how can parents model healthy stress management for their children?

SPEAKER_01 29:52

I mean, I think Suzanne talked about this earlier, talking about speaking it. And so I think it's always great to be honest with your kids, even at our age, I feel like five and three. And I my son is almost six, but I try to still say, Hey, this is what helps mommy, and and I we talk, we talk openly about what makes you happy. This is what makes mom happy. And a lot of times that does help me be less stressed when we do things we enjoy, like self-care. But my husband laughs at me because I'm I do I work out. If I don't go to our gym, then I I have a gym set up in our garage, which I've always had, even wherever we live. Had equipment. And so I was laughing because my kids tend to crawl underneath me while I'm doing push-ups or burpees or all over me, and they now get the three-pound weights and they do it with me. But what I am grateful for is that they watch their mom, and though they might not realize that's my stress management, but they are seeing like that. I do care about health and what those. And so I think as they get older, that will we can have these honest conversations about why.

SPEAKER_04 30:44

I think the message about stress can be just like a naturally negative connotation about stress when stress is not bad. Stress in an unpredictable, chaotic way is bad and leads to difficulty, but stress that's tolerable and predictable and will lead to resilience. And I think what we are probably experiencing with our kids is probably the type of stress that's good, right? So, like I there's been plenty of times with my kids and kids that live out here that you see experience a stressor, and then they lean on a parent or a friend, or they problem solve, or they look at their their community for resources, and then they come out on the other end of the stressor stronger, wiser, happier, feeling empowered, whatever it may be. And that's kind of the stressor, the stress and the way to manage stress that I would want to model for my kids. You know, I think if we were to take stress out of the equation, we'd have a lot of kids that had no resiliency. And that's not ideal, right? Like kids have to experience stress and have skill set to get through it. And I think that's our job right now is to model how to do that. That's good. That was real good.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

How can resources like family, friends, or the church help prevent becoming overwhelmed by stress?

SPEAKER_01 31:55

I mean, I I think I said that. I do believe, I mean, I'm community, community, community. I feel very blessed. I have people joke all the time, I have so many different friend groups, but I think it's very important to also just support by family and friends. And I love my church immensely, and I'm thankful every day for it. And I I think it gives me community and love and it can give you that. Feel that way about friends. True friends will tell you when they think you're too stressed and they should, but also they want to talk about how to help you through it. And then yeah, I think all of that can be being able to give you a pulse by friends and family is huge.

SPEAKER_05 32:25

We talk a lot about brain science here on our campus and how a child brain develops. And you know, children learn to regulate their nervous system through being regulated by their parents, right? And so you think about when an infant cries, we don't say to that infant, Well, calm yourself down. Right? We pick we pick that child up and we snuggle them close and we rock them and we maybe sing to them and we pat their back. And so all of that is a way to help them learn to manage their stress. So it starts really from conception forward, but certainly after a child is born. And so stress management is learned in the context of relationship from birth forward. And so it doesn't, you know, it doesn't end now. At this point, I don't pick up a 16-year-old and pat him or her on the back. But my present, the way I interact with that person, the relationship we have, the conversation that we have, all of that helps calm that uh that 16-year-old's central nervous system and helps them regulate. And so anything in the context of relationship is so important. You know, we start out helping a child regulate, we are regulating them, and eventually they're able to regulate themselves.

SPEAKER_04 33:38

And then help regulate others.

SPEAKER_05 33:40

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

The one thing I'm thinking about this question is in regard to stress kind of being, I don't know if I don't know if this is the right way to say it, but stress can be a little bit deceiving, right? Like under stress, we like Suzanne said, we get very very narrow. We think about our experience, we're at the tip of our nose all the time, and I think that is deceiving and that it makes us feel like, well, this is just mine. Like, why is this mine? Why am I stressed out? Why did I have this happen in my world? Why is my spouse stressed out? Whatever it may be. And then when you take it to loving, trusting, authentic family friends and church members, and they're like, Me too. I'm so stressed out, or work is hard or whatever, it just opens up this whole world of being seen, being known, not being alone in these seasons of life that are really difficult. And I think, you know, having good, trusting, loving family, friends, whether it's from church or otherwise, and being a feeling safe enough to share what's authentic and true in your world, whether that's stress or whatever, it really kind of helps you realize that you're not the only one doing it and dealing with it. And then you can learn from other people too. Or at least someone can sit with you during this space and time where you're struggling.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

One thing I've found over the years is I'm not really very good at asking people for help. But I've had a lot of family members and friends just kind of show up and be like, Hey, can we take the kids for a little bit? And I don't know, just them coming up and doing that's always been just such a lifesaver. So I would recommend to listeners if you see a family member or a friend that's, you know, maybe stressed out, go and just show up and maybe do something for them or help them out because they're they're probably not going to be bold enough to ask you a lot of times.

Simple Stress Tools For Kids

SPEAKER_00 35:14

What strategies would you recommend to help kids manage their stress?

SPEAKER_05 35:17

Well, I definitely think anything you do in the context of relationship is helpful. But but one of the things that we say often here at Boys Ranch is that repetitive rhythmic patterned activity helps to regulate a brain. And so if you think about any any physical activity you engage in that fits those three criteria, that could be bouncing a ball or taking a walk or listening to music, playing just dance on the Wii, or right, and any of those things are good stress managers.

SPEAKER_04 35:49

And I think too, like this age, kids, you know, like they're they don't know yet, right? So like some of it's explorative, and I think doing it alongside a parent or a loved one or a mentor, whatever it may be, where you're trying to figure out does this help, does this not help? Does it help for me to listen to music? Does it help for me to listen to this type of music? And I think that that's something that you do in a loving relationship with a caregiver, and that eventually, you know, when they're stressed out and maybe the caregiver's not there or they're at school or whatever, they've got like a little toolbox where they're like, Well, I did this with mom or I did this with dad or whatever, and jumping up and down 10 times helped or whatever it may be. But this is kind of a time to explore that, and I think that could be young ones and even you know adolescents, because that stuff can change over time.

SPEAKER_01 36:28

But I think, you know, and I put like talking through their emotions. I we've already talked about that, but I think just opening that open dialogue about a lot of people, and we use it here, we talk about highs and lows with the kids, and so how what was the best part of your day, what was the hard part of your day, doing some of that so that you get a pulse on if they are stressed, that they're already having an open dialogue. So at times they are stressed, maybe they will be more open dialogue for it. Getting outside is a huge one. I think even if my kids are struggling, just I'm like, Yep, we're gonna go outside for a hot minute and see if that helps us. But knowing what happened happy, and and for me, it's also knowing when to say no to activities. So I struggle with, and most people that know me, I'm I I do a lot on the praise team, going to church on Wednesdays. We have so many latents in soccer, and so it's just one thing or the other. And so now it's like I have to say no sometimes because that's also what's best for my kids or me or our family unit. And so I've had to adapt to some of that because me realizing them being involved in something every night is also just too stressful and messes our routine.

SPEAKER_04 37:24

Well, and you're teaching them boundaries too, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 37:27

I don't know if I've mentioned this in a previous podcast, but you know, I raised three girls and there were times they would come home from middle school especially, really frustrated, you know, and and even after talking, it didn't seem like the stress was dissipating. And I would say, bubble bath therapy, right? Go go get in the bubble bath. I don't want to take a bath, you're taking a bath, right? And so I would go and run this big fluffy bubble bath, you know, and while they were getting in the tub, I would go and prepare a tray of whatever I could find, right? So, you know, I'd I'd pour something to drink in a fancy glass, and I'd, you know, put some grapes and crackers on a plate or whatever, again, whatever was in the in the fridge. But then I would go in and I would serve them, you know, and and maybe turn on some music. And so invariably, I don't think it ever failed me that by the end of that bubble bath, they felt better. Right. So it was just a stress and a diversion. And again, it wasn't do you want to take a bubble bath? Because the answer would have been no. That's when the mommy voice came out, you're taking a bath, right?

SPEAKER_04 38:23

We call those fun baths in my house. Like, I think it's time for a fun bath. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:29

That's when I joked and made a joke in the last podcast but didn't explain it. It was called when all else fells, I do a popsicle bath. So basically, on days that things are super stressful and I can't calm them down, I'm like, you want a popsicle in the back?

SPEAKER_04 38:40

But you know, and I think we think that's like there are so many layers of intervention there that we're not giving credit to. You know what I mean? Like just the fact that you're in water, the pressure of the water on your body, the temperature of the water, the smell of the bubble bath, all these things, it's just incredible. And I think we're like, well, just put them in the bath. Well, that is just brilliant. The level of it, the layers of intervention in that one thing that anybody can do is just incredible to make it. Well, and it works.

SPEAKER_05 39:08

Yeah, it's the care and the relationship.

SPEAKER_04 39:10

And and I see you, I see you struggling.

SPEAKER_05 39:13

Yeah. And you know, so often kids can't verbalize their stress. So when we recognize it in them, we can identify it for them, but then also again give options for ways to handle that stress.

SPEAKER_04 39:25

But to be able to recognize it in somebody else, I mean, you kind of have to be able to recognize it in yourself and then do something about that. And that is hard.

SPEAKER_05 39:34

Okay, so thanks for calling me out. But I'm probably not as good as giving myself bubble bath therapy as I am. That's what I'm saying. Right, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_04 39:42

I miss it. Yeah. If I'm stressed out, I miss it every time. If I'm not attuned to my own stuff, I miss it every time. And that's what I was saying before. My daughter, she'll make sure I get it. Like she'll keep going. And she's always like, you're like, you're not getting it. I'll just make this crazier, right? And so just thinking about that, like I know I've probably missed some times where we needed fun baths. And just it's it's a lot of self, like managing of self, too. Yeah, which is so hard. It's so hard. It's too hard.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

Fun baths with popsicles.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

Now that sounds like I'm telling you for the weekend. I don't know. Yeah, no, I will say there are bubbles in ours too, but it works. I'm like, let me go get every Godzilla toy or every like princess, they're all in there.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

So when would you recommend that a family seek professional services?

When To Get Outside Help

SPEAKER_01 40:24

You know, I I will be honest. I I don't always I don't see it as a negative connotation. So I said for me, I think it's sometimes okay to be proactive. If you feel like it's enough or you feel overwhelmed, seek it. Like I think even if they if you go for a month or two and get some skills and then it worked, great. Like so that's kind of what, and that might not be the right answer. I just think sometimes there are times in life where you're struggling and maybe getting an outspot outside perspective isn't a bad thing.

SPEAKER_04 40:52

But that's well, and I think there's like if you think about professional services, that's a massive spectrum, right? So like are we talking about me as the caregiver, me as the spouse, me as the parent, and my other in my spouse going and getting some skills for our relationship so that we're managing stress so the stress doesn't lead into the family. Are we talking about that this is like family therapy? Are we talking about do I as the receiver of all this stress, whatever it may be? I mean, there's just a spectrum. And so I think you have to really kind of narrow down what what the need is, right? Like it could be that maybe maybe I have, I'm thinking about myself, but I'm pretty sensitive to stress and I've grown it in this quite a bit. But if I knew that my spouse was experiencing a typical amount of stress and I was just very sensitive to stress and chaos or whatever it may be, that might be mine to work out, right? Because my spouse has a stressful job and he's doing a great job managing it. It's just I have an incredible sensitivity, right? That's mine. But if it's different, then I think you just have to look at the whole picture because then you need to make sure you're targeting where the intervention needs to be. And maybe it is the intervention or the professional services is to expand your community, yeah, and you're and kind of reach out to services within the church or um, like you were saying, groups in the church or moms' groups or whatever. I think it's just a massive spectrum. I agree.

SPEAKER_05 42:08

I think too, if you if you feel the need for outside help and you have a spouse who refuses to go, go anyway. Yeah, a hundred percent because it because I think that's fairly common. Yeah. Where one member of the marriage doesn't want to go. So go for yourself anyway. You'll you'll be amazed at the insight that you receive and um the skills that you may learn that may be beneficial, even if you think the spouse is the problem, right? You you go for yourself. Anytime that you are concerned that your kids aren't managing things well and you've tried everything you know, seek professional help. Again, that is to be encouraged and applauded. If you can say, I don't have the skills to manage this on my own, I need someone else's insight or discernment. Well done for you. Yep. And I think that then in our culture, we move more towards the acceptance of therapy every day. Yeah. Right. I think it's more and more acceptable. And so again, I think it's to be applauded and encouraged.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Well, I think one of the things that Catherine has said in a previous one is talking about our relationship with the people who are our kids' teachers and how powerful it is. So, and I and I've said this before too, you see things in your kids that you don't always love about yourself. So my son struggles with change and transition like I do, very much so. And so we're coming up on him starting Kinder and he has been struggling the past couple of weeks and different than I actually would have expected. But in that, every time I've seen him struggle or we've had a transition, I've always been like talking to his teacher. And so I it's like, hey, and they're like, hey, we don't see it. I said, Great. I'm so glad you don't see it. I also want you to be aware of what he's doing at what's occurring at home so that you do understand if he has a moment that that this is what he's having to deal with, or and this is what's what we're seeing. And so, and they do vice versa for us. And so I think that that's also seeking professional in some ways because you're also trying to staff with your kid's teacher. And so I think that that's one of the things you said that I think is beautiful about working with the kids' teachers.

SPEAKER_04 44:02

I I've had just a moment like in my world of kind of reframing teachers, teachers and other other people who play a caregiving role or a parenting role for my kids, right? And that I thought about the same thing with teachers, like how much time is spent there and how much influence and different perspective, different skill set, they're educators, like all these different things, and really looking at that like a resource. And I I think I always have looked at it as a resource, but like a partner, I think. And changing my I don't even, I don't even know what I what I thought before, but necessarily, but just changing the the the word I give that, you know, like as a partner rather than that's that's my child's teacher. Now that's a partner in her growth or her learning or her whatever, and that was really helpful for me just thinking about stuff like that because they spend so much time, so much time into that relationship's vital.

SPEAKER_00 44:48

All right. Do

Final Advice And How To Write In

SPEAKER_00 44:49

you all have any other advice for Jenny and her situation before we finish up today?

SPEAKER_04 44:53

I think the fact that there's awareness, there's curiosity, even the reaching out in this in this way is really powerful. And I just encourage her to continue on the journey and continue the with the awareness and the honesty. And sounds like she really cares for her family.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

I think it's really neat that to even ask. I think before we started this, I was laughing. Catherine was laughing. I think this is a very vulnerable thing. Um, and I'll be honest, it was vulnerable for me to talk about um of the things because I don't always get it right. And we as a family unit sometimes struggle with stress. And so I just think it's really neat that you step out there, but not only just for you learning this could touch somebody else's life that we don't know about.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

So well, thank you, Jenny, for writing in. And I would encourage any of our other listeners to write in with questions of your own. The email address is podcasts at calfarley.org. I'll leave a link in the description of the episode. Also, if you haven't already, please follow and subscribe to the show and leave us a five-star review. I hope we didn't bring any extra stress to your brains this week because, as you know, you might have to loan out your funnel lobes today. Just make sure you remember and get them back.

SPEAKER_03 45:55

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.