Kids Learn Work Ethic When We Let Them Help

Chores can feel like daily friction, but they’re also one of the clearest ways kids learn responsibility, confidence, and how to live with other people. We start with a simple question about least favorite childhood chores, then move into the real parenting challenge: how do you build a healthy relationship with work without turning your home into a battlefield or doing everything for your kids because it’s faster? 

We walk through age-by-age expectations for chores and household responsibilities, from toddlers who want to “help” to school-age kids who can handle more independence, and into the tricky middle school and high school years where motivation changes and schedules explode. Along the way, we connect chores to belonging, family teamwork, problem solving, and the long-term development of work ethic. We also talk about why it’s worth letting kids participate even when it slows you down, and how practical life skills help teens leave home as capable, self-sufficient adults. 

We dig into teen overwhelm and overscheduling, including how to have a real conversation about priorities, time management, rest, and the need for downtime. Finally, we share what work mentorship looks like at Cal Farley’s Boys Ranch, including how ownership, encouragement, and learning through hands-on projects can build workplace initiative and leadership. If you want practical parenting advice grounded in brain-based development, this conversation will give you a clearer plan for chores, responsibility, and raising adults. Subscribe, share this with a parent who needs it, and leave a review to help more families find the show.

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Transcript

Welcome And Today’s Question

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Sprock.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Welcome everyone, and thank you for joining us as we talk about building relationships, the power of work and mentorship. To do that today, I'm joined by I'm Hal Davis.

SPEAKER_01 0:42

I'm the director of the Experiential Learning Program.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

Barray Wheatley, the Emergent Technology Coordinator. Mike Wilhelm, Senior Chaplain.

SPEAKER_05 0:50

Suzanne Wright, Vice President of Training and Intervention.

SPEAKER_03 0:53

It's nice to have you all here today. As we do every week, we're going to kick off with our question of the day. And since we're talking about work today, I thought I would ask you, what was your least favorite chore growing up?

SPEAKER_05 1:03

Least favorite implies we would have a most favorite. None of them were my favorite. But I think my least favorite was sweeping and mopping the floors. And I and I still don't really enjoy sweeping and mopping.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

I would probably say my least favorite was having to wash and dry dishes and put them away.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Yeah, my mother had uh several flower beds and they were just dirt. She didn't have any uh ground covering. But my job was to weed them every week. And I would get up at six o'clock on Saturday morning and weed my mother's flower beds.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

I guess my least favorite chore was when I was in a middle school, we used to keep some calves in a barn that didn't have running water and had to carry the water from pump house to down to this barn. In the wintertime in Northwest Illinois, it's really cold, and when you're sloshing water on your pant leg out in the cold, and then your hands hurt on the handle, and you're just having a real pity party. So that was my least favorite chore, I guess.

SPEAKER_05 1:59

Now that just makes me sound whiny. What was yours, Josh?

SPEAKER_03 2:04

Well, when I was a kid, whenever we'd have company come over, my mom would always make us scrub the baseboards, and it was just such a pain. And I was just like, so I don't know if it was it really wasn't that hard. It was just like the futility of it or something that just made it rough. And dusting. I hate dusting. Still do.

SPEAKER_05 2:19

And do you make your children scrub the baseboards before you have company? I do not.

Ages 2 To 5 Helping Starts

SPEAKER_03 2:26

All right. So let's start by talking about chores, since this is where kids tend to get their foundation for their relationship with work. So what should parents' expectations be for kids, let's say two to five?

SPEAKER_05 2:37

Aaron Powell I think two to five year olds are able to help, maybe not be completely responsible for a chore, but they can certainly help, and that's a great time for kids to start to learn to work alongside an adult. They can certainly take laundry out of the dryer or put things away, clean up their room and that kind of thing. But having expectations that are realistic for their age.

SPEAKER_02 3:01

Yeah. And I I I think that's great, especially for young kids, because I think it makes them feel a part of the group. They see the parents working together and doing things, and here's this young child that's two or five, and now I have a role with inside of the group. So it it I think it brings a closeness to the family, actually having chores.

SPEAKER_03 3:17

Aaron Powell, I think there's something interesting about this age too where they're actually excited to help. And they whether you want them to or not, they love to do it. And I think it's really important to not crush that and really and help them feel like they belong. And because if if you kind of crush that or just, oh, I don't need your help, sometimes I think that is kind of why kids grow up to not like or enjoy work, because we kind of crush their spirit early

Ages 6 To 8 Real Responsibility

SPEAKER_03 3:39

on. What about ages six to eight then?

SPEAKER_05 3:41

Aaron Powell I think children in that age range are learning to be a little bit more independent and could certainly be given responsibilities that they could carry out on their own. Again, cleaning a room, putting up laundry, even being responsible for caring for a pet is a good option.

SPEAKER_01 3:59

Aaron Powell Yeah, I mean I think I think that's good. I think at that age are being allowed to clean up their room, make their bed in the morning. And with some of them, it you know, it may still be needing to work alongside of them. I think that that's important. But like I say, at that age, I think, like Josh said a little bit, the there's still a little bit of excitement there about uh taking that responsibility and doing a little bit of stuff.

SPEAKER_03 4:18

Aaron Powell One thing I think it's important not to do is sometimes we as adults we're in a hurry to get you know chores and everything done. And at this age it's a little bit extra work to kind of let them do their chores. So sometimes I think we try and do their chores for them or take over. And I think it just kind of makes it where the kids don't feel like they're part of the group or their work is valuable. And again, I think that kind of can be hard for them later in life when they they have to have chores.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

And I was thinking about my youngest daughter when she was she's probably six or seven. I was rebuilding a deck in the backyard, and so I'm drilling in screws to put the decks in, and she says, Dad, can I help you? And my first thought was no, because I'm not I need to get this done. And then I thought, okay, sure. So I would actually hold the screw and she would hold press to get the drill, and sh all she did was squeeze squeeze the trigger. And it probably took me hours longer to get that deck finished. And I was just thinking, two days ago, she calls me up and asked me, Hey Dad, I need to go buy a drill. And so she's going to Lowe's to get a drill.

SPEAKER_05 5:17

And she had pride in knowing that she helped build that deck.

SPEAKER_02 5:21

You know, my thought on that is if if if a child asks to do something, if they have a curiosity about it, yeah, it's gonna slow us down as an adult or a parent or work mentor. But I think we should let them explore that curiosity because that gives them a confidence that they probably can't get someplace else.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

So what about ages then

Ages 9 To 11 Belonging Through Chores

SPEAKER_03 5:38

nine to eleven? What uh expectations should parents have for this age group?

SPEAKER_02 5:42

At this age, they can actually, if they have younger siblings. My youngest brother was six years younger than me, and so my mother assigned me the job of getting him ready for school for daycare in the morning. And so that was my job to you know get him get him ready. And again, it was helping out within the family.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

Well, and you alluded to that earlier that we all help out within a family. Each person has a role play, and it's important for all of us to pull our weight and do our part so that the family functions.

SPEAKER_02 6:08

Right.

SPEAKER_05 6:08

And and I think that's important for kids to learn.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Yeah. And as you were talking, I thought the other thing is we feel value in the family. Yes. That we're an important component, not just, you know, just another family member.

SPEAKER_05 6:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

So should kids have chores during this age, should it be an expectation or do you think that that's family preference?

SPEAKER_01 6:28

Aaron Ross Powell, I feel like it should be a little bit of an expectation. Like say they may be getting to that age to where they're not quite as willing to help out. I think I think having that expectation, you know, like it's already been mentioned, I do think it it plays a role in in them feeling like they're a they're a part of the family. That's one of the things that we talk about here at Boys Ranch with our model of leadership. Belonging is one of the one of the big keys. I feel like there should be a little bit of an expectation that they do have chores.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

I I appreciate Bear Ray what you said about it takes more time usually to do a task involving a six to eight year old or nine to eleven year old. But what a great investment. But if we if we take the shortcut and just want to get the thing done, we're missing out on a lot of good relationship time. So I I just appreciate what you said. It's it's gonna take it's gonna actually take more time, but it's it's the it's the best investment of time.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Yeah, I just thought of another story of I was uh putting in some tile in a uh bathroom. So same daughter. She liked to help dad, I guess. And she I was putting doing the grout and she said, Dad, can I help you with the grout? Okay. So I was I kind of showed her how to do it. So anyway, I had something else to go do. So I went and did whatever I was doing. I come back and she's still grouting. And I said, Okay, I'll get in there to help you go. She goes, Dad, I got this. She was 11 years old. She finished, she finished grouting that that tile. Now I had to do the you know the final wash-up to get all the excess off and stuff. But yeah, she sat and grouted the bathroom floor. Did a good job because it's still there today.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

So probably probably felt very proud of herself for doing that.

Ages 12 To 14 Raising The Bar

SPEAKER_03 8:01

So now let's move to age 12 to 14. What expectations should kids in that age have when it comes to doing chores? That's a tough age. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:10

I I think that as children get older, their responsibilities increase according to their capacity, right? So we have age-appropriate expectations at each stage, but as kids get older that they learn to take on more responsibility and that and that we have appropriate expectations for their ability to accomplish those tasks, right? We're we're not going to place adult parental responsibilities on them, but we do want them to learn increasing responsibilities, not only because they are participating in a family, but that is preparation for them to live on their own as adults. Right.

Ages 15 To 18 Balance Work

SPEAKER_03 8:50

All right. So let's move to age 15 to 18. What should be the expectations when it comes to chores and work at this age range?

SPEAKER_05 8:58

I do think that when children hit this stage, some of them are able to have actual jobs outside of the home. And and teenagers in high school tend to have a lot of activities to be involved in. So while they still need to complete chores and and they have household responsibilities, we do want to keep that in balance with responsibilities at school and if they have an actual job. And so I think you have to consider those factors. You know, when my daughters were in school and working, it didn't bother me to throw a load of their laundry in and take care of that for them because they had other responsibilities. So they're still managing things, but I didn't want them to be overwhelmed. And and I'm proud of them for accomplishing those tasks outside of the home. And so I I feel like if I could maybe ease a chore that that that's okay too.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

And I was thinking, you know, at that age, we're looking at hopefully we've been doing all all along, but teaching them more life skills. Things my mother did. I mean, we cooked. My sister cooked one day and I did the dishes that week and then we flip-flop. I remember my mother used to sew when she had a sewing machine. And back in the day I had, I think they put a little hem in my pants, my jeans. And I walked in and I said, Hey mom, I got need these jeans done. And she said, The sewing machine's over there. I I learned how to sew buttons on shirts and and and those basic skills. But what it did for me, I mean, that sounds kind of silly, but it gave me a lot of confidence when I left home that I could take care of myself as an adult. And I didn't have to have go to a cleaner's or have extra help, that I was a self-functioning adult. And those skills were I mean, I didn't like it at the time. And but I once I got on my own, I really saw the value of what she was trying to do.

SPEAKER_05 10:37

I have three daughters, none of whom were very neat as teenagers when they lived in my home. And I tried to keep that in perspective. It didn't have to be perfect, and and I tried to remember that I could just shut their door. However, as adults living out on their own, shocked at how neat they are and how clean their homes are. And and so it's become more important to them. And it and it it wasn't tied to me being irrationally controlling about them having a clean home. Right. And so I just say that as encouragement for other parents who may have kids who are less than neat. Living in their home that sometimes when they get out on their own and it's their responsibility, that becomes more important to them. I know my middle daughter, when she lived on her own for the first time, was really upset she couldn't blame the mess on anyone else. There were no siblings. Somehow that that messy mirror in the bathroom was totally on her.

When Teens Feel Overwhelmed

SPEAKER_03 11:38

Suzanne, a few minutes ago you mentioned kids being overwhelmed. What would you give parents advice on how to handle it if a kid is overwhelmed with like their sports, their schoolwork, their job, all those things? If they just have too much on their plate, what would what would be good advice for parents who are dealing with that?

SPEAKER_05 11:56

Well, I think for sure that you want to bring that teenager, that young adult into a conversation about priorities. And when they are still in school, that that is a priority for them to finish school. And you've got to remember to help them to manage their time and their priorities. And a lot of kids are involved in a whole lot of things. So if you're playing more than one sport and you may be in UIL academic competitions, and if you have a job and you have chores on top of that, you know, we can step back from our vantage point a fully developed cortex and a lot of years of experience to help them prioritize and manage some of those things. And honestly, sometimes kids need to give up an activity or two. Sometimes I think in our current culture, we way over schedule kids from the time that they're in that two to five age range. We have something going on every evening. We have them involved in so many activities. And we have to remember that free time is important too. And not only for smaller children, but but teenagers need that opportunity for downtime and to relax as well. And I can remember times that my teenagers on a Saturday when they had nothing to do would sleep till noon. And and I had to remind myself that it's because their body and their brain needed rest. And they needed that time to recharge. And so we do need to balance our demands on them and and just the demands in life.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

I think it's important, Suzanne. Like you said, it's it's having that conversation with them, getting their input on that. You know, is it like say us being able to, you know, more experience and things, it's easy for us to say, well, you need to give up this or you need to give up that? You know, that's uh they're probably going to rebel against that. Where if we have that conversation and and get their input, I think that's valuable too.

Parents Model Attitude Toward Work

SPEAKER_03 13:55

All right. So what role do parents play in teaching the value of chores and preparing children for future work responsibilities?

SPEAKER_05 14:01

Well, I think for sure that we are the role model. We we set the tone. What is our attitude towards completing chores in the home? Do we complain about it all the time? Do we gripe in front of our in front of our family? Do we do we blame other family members for creating more work for us? And what is our attitude towards going to work? If we, you know, complain about our coworkers and our bosses and and the tasks we have to do, we are setting the foundation for how they will feel about their work someday in the future. And I I think sometimes we as adults don't realize the impact that our attitudes and the words that come out of our mouths have on our kids.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Yeah, I always think about the fact that, especially with our in our homes or whatever, that somebody's always watching. Even when I it may be a really minor moment to me, but to another child or or to a child in the family, it can really be something that's very impactful. So just to always remember, like you said, what's what's my attitude? Because not only what am I saying, but what does my face look like? Do I have a frown on my face? Am I those little tiny things people pick up on.

SPEAKER_03 15:11

So how do simple chores performed in childhood lay the foundation for work ethic and responsibility into adulthood?

From Chores To Adult Work Ethic

SPEAKER_00 15:18

Aaron Ross Powell Josh, I was thinking, and I I bet a lot of maybe a lot of the listeners can relate to this. If you've ever been in a position where you're hiring people, if you look at work history and even a little bit deeper back than that, but just some family history that that work history emerges from, there is there's a those special people that are gonna be special employees have learned. I think Barry, you mentioned the problem solving and how a lot of the mentorship you that your group does has the backdrop, meaningful, sometimes it's sustaining life. Some of that with agriculture, you have that meaningful backdrop. Those that come from a setting that have been in settings where they had to do the problem solving, or maybe there was just this meaningful life hanging in the balance with the responsibilities that you grew up with, those are the kind of people that can just go out there and just knock it out of the park doing anything. They're teachable, they can learn to do any job, and they're the ones that rise to the top. So I think your question, Josh, it's uh it's huge, right?

SPEAKER_05 16:23

I think if you look at the flip side of that, what if we had children who were never expected to complete chores in the home? Or never expected to be that contributing member of a family. Right. And then suddenly they reach adulthood and they're expected to develop a work ethic and to have responsibilities in a workplace, it'd be it would be almost impossible. Right. And so that that mindset starts in early childhood, and then we nurture it and care for it and develop it so that by the time they are ready to be productive adult, they've they've got a little muscle memory for completing chores. They understand the value and the importance of contributing to society.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

I remember it was a long time ago I read a guy who said, We we aren't raising children, we're raising adults.

SPEAKER_05 17:11

So true.

SPEAKER_02 17:12

Which means as as they're aging, we should be giving them things that are teaching them how to be a functioning adult when they leave home and giving them those skills through chores or whatever it might be.

SPEAKER_05 17:22

I read a book several years ago. I think it's called We Can Do Hard Things. I may have that incorrectly, but it's it was written by two brothers, and they were talking about the fact that that teenagers can be given responsibilities and should be given responsibilities. And one of the things they pointed out was that for many, many years in our history, there was no concept of teenager. People were either children or they were adults. And that differentiation came at about 13 or 14 years old, and that historically there were, you know, 13 or 14-year-old young men who were the captain of ships, or they were doing a full day's work, or there were 13 or 14-year-old women who were wives and mothers. Now, I don't promote that we go back to that. That's not, you know, that's not what I'm suggesting at all. But I do think that that concept of teenagers requires a lot of finesse and diplomacy on the part of adults because that age range is full of people who are coming out of childhood, striving to be adults, but just learning to balance. What does that mean? That responsibility and that freedom. And so that's a hard time period, I think, for both teenagers and for parents is for us to have realistic expectations for what a teenager can and should be responsible for. And again, how you mentioned this, it's a conversation that we navigate right between, you know, as a parent of small children, we're a little bit more in control of the plan and the schedule and assigning chores. But as kids get older, as we're helping them prepare for adulthood, then it's more of a conversation and we're it's a joint effort.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

You know, I think one of the things I learned was, and it's stuck with me throughout my life, is I could do things I wasn't excited about.

SPEAKER_05 19:10

So true. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

You know, because I hear a lot of kids i in even in my group, sir, that's not fun. But everything we do, it doesn't matter what job you have. At some point it's not going to be fun, but that doesn't mean the task doesn't have to be completed. But as a child, I can I didn't get that option. Here's the task. I didn't want to do it, but again, it's given me a work ethic. Number one is I always tell the kids if there's something I don't like to do, that's the first thing I do do. So I can move on to do the things

Teaching Initiative With Ownership

SPEAKER_02 19:35

that I enjoy. And that's just something I developed as a child.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

I was curious, probably uh Barrae and Hal, the it's obvious about that that the simple chores do lay a foundation for a work ethic and being responsible. Now, one thing that I notice is rare that to find young, say a young new hire that has what you call workplace initiative. That okay, beyond, okay, it's great to to be responsible for assigned duties, but then to look outside the box and notice that, oh, this thing that I wasn't told to do right now, I have all the things done that have been asked of me. And now I notice this person over here is unloading cases of uh water out of the trunk by themselves. I'm gonna step over and help them. That doesn't come natural. So I I'm curious with the work that you do with the young people, is that something that that you teach and how how do you teach that?

SPEAKER_02 20:29

That's an interesting question. I hadn't thought of it in that respect. I don't think I actually teach it. I put them in a position to do that. And what I do is I try to take I call it ownership. And for instance, I have a kid, we have a laser machine where we laser engrave things. And this young man was kept wanting, because I was doing the lasering, and I finally decided I'm gonna teach him how to do it. He wasn't even in my group. And I showed him how to do it. And so then when other kids needed something lasered, I would point him out as go see him, he can help you with the laser. But that gave him he owned it. And he would, Mr. Mr. Wheatley, you have a minute, I've got a problem. And I would just sit a little bit later, okay, sir, I figured it out. And I he asked me one day, you know, he said, I said, Have you ever noticed when you ask me to help you, I don't just jump up and help you? And he said, Yeah. I said, Why do you think I do that? And he, I don't know. I said, Because I believe you're smart enough to figure it out. And his eyes got so big because where he came from and what this kid child has been through, for him to hear that, that he is has talent, he's got skills, and he's better at it than I am. I mean, that that made his day. And and so, but what I've noticed is he's willing to help other kids now with not just lasering with other things in the shop because he thinks he's a leader. He came in as Mr. Nobody in his mind, but now he's a leader. And when what leaders do is they lead in other areas, I think. Trevor Burrus, Jr.

SPEAKER_00 21:41

Well, and that goes back to the what you said earlier. You mentioned the problem solving and then you mentioned confidence in in both those things, they and that will serve that kid or any of these kids well going forward, right?

SPEAKER_03 21:54

So how do chores encourage teamwork and collaboration among siblings and family members?

Teamwork Lessons From Sibling Conflict

SPEAKER_02 22:00

House. No. Mine too. And I'm just going to tell it like it is. When I would do the dishes, one of us would wash and one of us would dry. And that's how we kind of started out. Now I guess we probably my sister was maybe 13. I was probably 10 years old. She was a little bit older than I am, and always will be. She's my older sister. I thought I mentioned that. But when it was her turn to because I had to the dryer obviously has to wait for the washer. What a pain. Because my sister just wasn't right on it right after dinner. So she would do her grades and she'd do her schoolwork and she'd get on the phone. And I'm okay, I'm I've got other things to do. So it it caused some conflict in our home. But then the way we solved it was I became the washer full time. That way I was in control of my time. And she could wait and she could drive to I didn't care. But we eventually, I mean, it caused us to solve solve a problem.

SPEAKER_00 22:48

So yeah, it caused arguments with my brother and I. We we would argue about who who carried uh I carried four bales of hay and he only carried three. And I would just then I would just stop and then dad would so why why aren't you doing anything? Well I carried you know four and Jeff's only carried three, and dad would that would fly all over him and he would say, Don't count. And his face was red and his blood pressure was going up. And that was one of his pet peeves, and I still have that filed away. But uh all said through these settings like this, though, we're learning, aren't we? And ultimately, my brother and I are you know, one you know, d dad's mandate to not count, we learned that way, but we also learned just over time that we need to we if we work together, there's something important that we're doing, and if we work together, it's probably gonna go quicker and it's probably gonna get done better. And it's not about me, it's about the whatever this responsibility is. So that's how we learn.

What Work Mentorship Looks Like

SPEAKER_03 23:47

What does being a work mentor look like out here at Boys Ranch? And what role do you have in the kids' programming?

SPEAKER_01 23:53

You know, what a work mentor looks like is just someone that has patience, enjoys being with the kids, enjoys spending that time and teaching them about that particular position and what careers that that could help lead into. My specific role in the program is I I interview the kids. And so our our kiddos actually fill out an application and set up a time to come interview with me. All of it somewhat preparing them for adulthood. Try to teach them that when they do leave and apply for jobs, they've got to go through interviews. And so that's a part of the skill. And so investing with them and just explaining the different programs that we do have available, find out what their interests are, then try to place them within those with other work mentors.

SPEAKER_02 24:37

My role is a little different. It's because I do rocketry, I do robotics, computer programming, electronics, and those types of things. And I don't necessarily see the kids growing up to be a rocket scientist or something. So a lot of what I do I think are intangibles. It's things like problem solving skills, it's confidence, it's doing something they've never done before and giving up getting over the fear of failure. Because I to me, of course, we all went to high school or whatever, and that was always about passing and success was making an A or a B. Whereas with me and what I do with the kids, it's not necessarily about how greatly they how great they accomplished something, it's about the fact that they took the effort to try to accomplish it. To do something that got them out of their comfort zone. So it's it's a lot more of an intangible, I think, but it's things that can actually later on in life when they get a job, it those are skills, mental skills that they can use in a job versus a true physical type skill.

SPEAKER_03 25:30

Well, thank you all for working through those questions today, and I hope it wasn't too much of a chore to listen.

Closing Thoughts And Where To Learn More

SPEAKER_03 25:35

Come back next week as we continue to talk about building relationships through work. Until then, remember, you might have to loan out your frontal lobes today. Just make sure you get them back.

SPEAKER_04 25:44

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about CalFarley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarley.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.