When Kids Fight: How Adults Step In Without Making It Worse

Kid conflict can flip a room from calm to chaos in seconds and the hardest part is knowing whether to step in, stay out, or slow everything down. We talk through what to look for when a disagreement turns into a real conflict, including the “emotional temperature” check: can they regulate, stay respectful, and disengage, or are they escalating into sarcasm, personal attacks, and dysregulation?

We share practical conflict resolution tools for parents, teachers, and caregivers who want safer, more respectful outcomes. That includes intervening early when you see power imbalances or a history of escalation, bringing in other adults when the story has missing pieces or safety is involved, and handling sibling conflict with a mix of supervision and skill-building. We also dig into why coaching works best before the blowup, using modeling, role play, rehearsal, and simple “game film” reflection after you’ve observed what really happened.

You’ll also hear language kids can use to stand up for themselves without pouring gasoline on the problem, like curiosity-based statements and clear boundaries. We close with what adults should avoid doing in heated moments, from intimidating body language to emotion-invalidation, and why staying neutral is often the difference between stopping a fight and actually resolving it. Subscribe, share this with a parent or teacher who needs it, and leave a review so more families can find Brain-Based Parenting.

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Transcript

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Welcome And What We’re Solving

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Brain-Based Parenting, the Boys Ranch podcast for families. We all know how hard being a parent is, and sometimes it feels like there are no good answers to the difficult questions families have when their kids are struggling. Our goal each week will be to try and answer some of those tough questions, utilizing the knowledge, experience, and professional training Cal Farley's Boys Ranch has to offer. Now here is your host, Cal Farley Staff Development Coordinator, Joshua Spronk.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Hello and welcome. Today we're going to continue to talk about conflict resolution. To do that today, I'm joined by Sam Cernan, Assistant Administrator of Residential Programs.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Catherine Clay, Director of Clinical Services.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

And Cole Smith from the Transitional Living Program.

SPEAKER_03 0:43

All right, let's jump into our question

Dumb Fights And Why We Dig In

SPEAKER_03 0:45

of the day. Since we're talking about conflict, what's a dumb fight that you're probably wrong about, but we'll never admit it?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

I'm not wrong about this, but I will share that I've been in many arguments, many conflicts about the proper way to part your car. And it isn't the proper way is not backwards.

SPEAKER_04 1:04

I agree. I think you're right on that. Thank you, Josh. And she feels very strongly about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

I do.

SPEAKER_04 1:10

I also don't think that I'm wrong about this, but I will acknowledge that it's pretty dumb how strongly I feel about it. But I have very strong feelings about which Disney princesses are good role models or bad role models, and would be happy to do a bonus podcast about that sometime. Like a fill analysis. About how to talk to your kids about the um I like that. But then the good moral values of Disney characters.

SPEAKER_02 1:33

I don't die on a lot of hills. I don't I don't know that I have one. I guess I could just say that I'm not wrong that Marvel's better than DC's.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

You're not wrong, and I know nothing about that.

SPEAKER_02 1:43

I'm not wrong about it.

SPEAKER_03 1:44

Sam and I are about ready to have a conflict. Wait, you like DC more? I thought we were friends. I know.

SPEAKER_05 1:48

Not more. No respect. Values being rabbed.

SPEAKER_03 1:52

So I know mine is scientifically incorrect, but I was taught growing up that Pluto was a planet, and I don't care what all the scientists, what anyone says, I will die on the hill that Pluto is 100% a planet. So take that, scientist guys. Alright, so let's continue talking about conflict resolution.

Healthy Disagreement Versus Real Conflict

SPEAKER_03 2:10

So, how can adults recognize the difference between healthy disagreements and serious conflicts?

SPEAKER_04 2:15

So I'll start. I think a lot of times you can tell by the emotional temperature in the disagreement. One of the gauges I would use for that is can they disengage and have normal interactions with people outside of that disagreement? That would be some some insight that, like, oh, this is they're just a disagreeing, having a conversation. But if they can't stop the conversation and move on to anything else or acknowledge other people around it, then we may have bordered into this is this is now an unhealthy conflict.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

So I think that if the individuals in the conflict are unable to regulate themselves, their emotions, their behavior, their body, that would be a sign that the conflict is unhealthy. And I think too, that would be in the the way that we're speaking to each other, the language we're using. Sarcasm, I think, can really get dicey in situations like that. And then really when we kind of veer away from the topic or values start to arise, value reps start to arise. I think you can see that.

SPEAKER_04 3:08

When it starts to get personal and about about things besides the disagreement.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Right.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

I think another way adults can recognize is look at the people around them. So if two people are talking or or disagreeing and there's the people around them, their responses sometimes they know these people, especially if you don't know the kids involved. You might be able to just gauge the temperature based on people's responses. Yeah, are they gathered for a fight or are they just healthy discussions? Or are they kind of ignoring it? Or are they disgusted? Are they appalled by oh you know teenagers are easy? You can do they have their cameras out to film it. You're gonna know,

When Adults Should Step In

SPEAKER_02 3:41

right?

SPEAKER_03 3:41

So when and why should adults intervene in a conflict?

SPEAKER_02 3:44

When those signs have come and you can see that it's turned bad, I think we gotta intervene early. I think one thing we learn here is we want to get it while we can get it, turn down that temperature a little bit, maybe separate people, what have you?

SPEAKER_04 3:55

Yeah, and I I think the more you know the kids, maybe the more clues you've got. So if you see a conflict and you know these children well enough to go, they don't have conflict resolution skills, this is gonna need some adult assistance or it's gonna go bad. Or if you see them and go, ooh, that's a that's a power imbalance, either through age or maturity or size, you might go, oh wait, this this needs some adult intervention because this could get one-sided real fast.

SPEAKER_01 4:20

Yeah. I think too, we out here especially know the relationships on campus, right? So if I walk around campus and see two kids that I know have kind of a spotty history with each other or they have been in arguments or fights before, I would try to intervene and approach that those two kids or however many kids quickly.

SPEAKER_03 4:37

Yeah, one of the things I've always noticed that when kids are in conflict, it doesn't typically get better on its own. It usually escalates. And the more it escalates, the better our skills as adults have to be to de-escalate the conflict. So if you intervene quickly, act without hesitation, jump in and kind of help mediate the situation, it's gonna be easier on you as well as

When To Pull In Other Adults

SPEAKER_03 4:56

with the kid. So how do you know when to involve other parents or school staff in resolving a conflict between peers?

SPEAKER_01 5:02

I think when there's missing information or the narrative isn't complete, or if the information you're getting feels really off, I think that it's important to gather all the information that may be through another parent or school staff.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

I also think when safety is involved or very emotionally charged statements, those are things I might want to explore, get other people involved.

SPEAKER_04 5:20

Yeah, safety and also like felt safety. If you've got a child who's using language of being isolated, not belonging, and they think it centers around this conflict, then that might be a time to get more adults involved and more eyes.

Sibling Conflicts And When To Let It Ride

SPEAKER_03 5:32

Should parents always intervene in sibling conflicts, or are there times when you let them work it out on their own?

SPEAKER_04 5:37

I mean, I I I definitely think that there's times where you can let siblings go through conflict on their own. I think there's it's helpful if you can hear the conflict. If you can hear the conflict and not intervene, then you've got kind of an insight on how to do the like the the game film review to use a sports analogy. If you can listen to the both both sides and what they're saying, then if they either bring it to you or if it becomes heated enough that you feel like you have to intervene, then you've got some insight on, hey, this is what I heard you saying. To me, that sounds like this emotion. Is that what you were feeling? And you can kind of provide some feedback that's not reliant on just their stories that are probably opposing. I I also think, you know, if if the conflict is not dangerous, unlikely to escalate, then especially with they have a decent enough relationship, anyways, that are these siblings that can play together in a healthy way? Okay, let's let some conflict happen. Are these siblings who never get along and and have a rough, rough pattern right now, then maybe stopping conflict early with some adult intervention is necessary. Also, have you ever trained them? If you haven't provided any skills, then there's nothing for them to use besides what a, in my case, what a seven-year-old would think to say or a five-year-old would think to say. But if you've provided some skills, then now let them let them try the skills.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Similar to that, I and this isn't your question, Josh, but I think it's really neat to let kids with supervision or proximity, like Cole saying, figure out how to repair and make things right. When my two young kids have a conflict, I'll ask, How do we want to make it up to the your sister? How do we want to make it right with your sister? Do you have some ideas? And they come up with the best ideas, ones that would be far more are far more impactful than what I would say to do, you know? So I think that's a cool thing to try to.

SPEAKER_04 7:18

Yeah, I think sometimes our adult adult response to that is go say you're sorry. And they can come up with maybe some more heartfelt um responses than a bland, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03 7:27

So that kind of leads into the next question.

Coaching Kids To Resolve It Themselves

SPEAKER_03 7:29

What are some ways to help coach kids in resolving their conflicts independently?

SPEAKER_01 7:33

This goes back to what I said maybe in the first podcast about conflict, but I think modeling is really valuable. So if there's opportunity to model conflict and resolution, obviously there's going to be some conflicts you don't have in front of your kids, but if you can find opportunity to do that and let them see the whole experience of the conflict, the discussion, everybody shares their point of view. And then the resolution of that, I think that's a good way to start. And then I think from there, you'd probably have to be side by side coaching. So did you hear what your brother said? He said that he feels upset. Did you hear what your sister said? Like you're gonna have to walk them through that. My kids are young, I have a four-year-old and a six-year-old. And then eventually I think you could probably do some more of what Cole said, which is see what they can do between the two of them or three of them or whatever, and provide proximity and step in if you have to. And then I'm sure that that will evolve through development, those skills.

SPEAKER_02 8:26

Sometimes you're you're given uh the opportunity to know that there's a potential conflict coming, right? So a conflict at school or maybe a teacher the kids don't get along with, especially with teenagers. That gives you the opportunity to coach in a way that I like to do is run a scenario. Hey, here, what are you gonna say? Like, let's say they know that they didn't finish some project and there's nothing I can do to help. They just they have to own it and they know they're gonna get some kind of conflict. Whatever it is, I like coaching and let's do some role play. So, what if I'm the teacher and I say this, and then you know, they give me their thoughts. And that's nice when you when you're able to just coach if they're in a calm space and teach them a new skill, right? Right before they're about to get into something. Because you know, especially if they got coaches or sports, there's gonna be conflict. Uh coaches have a different way of handling things that maybe I do. And so I always found with my kids I could just, hey, let's let's talk about how that might look.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

And if I, you know, pretend to be emotionally charged, how can they remain calm so that that way they don't get in trouble any more than they might when that like visualization or rehearsal, I'm sure there's research that says that will improve the outcome when it happens. So I really like that.

SPEAKER_03 9:25

Yeah, you're setting them up for success. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Well, and they're the practice in itself is their body's going through it, their minds going through it, even though they're in a safe space with you. So when it has that has to happen again, it's like their brain and body's already done it. And it's not new as new. It's I think I have some skills for this, or my body remembers these things.

SPEAKER_04 9:43

Well, and how much better are we able to learn new skills and new information when we're calm right outside of the conflict? I think a lot of times I want to teach conflict resolution when the conflict is happening because that's when it's now a conflict for me. Because now they want it's it's they've added stress to to my internal world and my external world. Yeah. And so now I want to intervene. Yeah. But if I can take that time, like you're saying, hey, this is probably coming up, you're calm now. Let's coach this out and let's role-play this and let's go through this scenario. I think it's great.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

I think there's some value too in like observing with your kid shifts in emotional state or shifts in affect or shifts in the temperature in the room, like we like to say, before something happens. Like my kids all say, Hey, can you see that your brother's frustrated? Do you see that he didn't like when you did that? I think we need to give him some space. And that gives her other skills, right? But hopefully we're not gonna get to the point where he's coming after her with his Maui hook that he loved.

SPEAKER_02 10:39

Yeah, I like that. I like what you say. I like I like that you notice what they're doing or notice what they're saying. You know, when you're can be there for a conflict and present, and even if you don't like you decide not to intervene and maybe things didn't go great, but it resolved and we didn't have to get involved. The really nice thing is you can say, Hey, I noticed that this happened, or you said that. This could have been better, right? And there's these times where you can just coach and also you kind of know what how they're operating. You know, it's it's really nice for it when you're a kid and you're able to resolve something on your own without violence. Yeah, you know, it's really it's it's really cool. And then so if you're a parent and you see that, praise them for it. Hey, that skill right there is is is exactly the way you should handle that just right, you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

It's the difference between like, I want this conflict to be over because it's frustrating, it's interrupting our day-to-day, whatever. And I think that's when conflicts we think that they're bad, but when we're able to do each of these things and there's skill built, and then they're gonna do something different next time or they're gonna learn uh how to be empathetic or notice someone's facial expressions. That's when the conflict, the piece about it being good, right?

SPEAKER_03 11:37

So, how do you guide a child to stand up for themselves without escalating the peer conflict?

Standing Up Without Escalating

SPEAKER_04 11:42

So I was talking to my son the other day and was really big on the power of curiosity. We talk a lot here about being curious, and you know, a lot of times we start curiosity statements with I notice a behavior and asking them a feeling. I was talking to him about, hey, would you ever be open to saying, hey, when you said that, I felt this way. Was that your intention? I think for most of his peers, they are a lot of their conflicts are not because they hate each other and they're intending to be mean. It's about social belonging. I thought I was joking. I thought this is what would be funny. And if you say, hey, you when you make that joke, it makes me feel bad, sad. Are you trying to make me feel sad? I think at his age, most other seven-year-olds, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not trying to make you feel sad. I don't want to be in trouble for that. Even even if they might have been, suddenly they're being called out in a non-conflict.

SPEAKER_05 12:30

Respectful.

SPEAKER_04 12:31

Yeah. Were you trying to make me feel sad? That's how I felt. Kind of gives them the chance to either apologize, clarify their intention, no, I was not trying.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

I thought you would laugh.

SPEAKER_04 12:41

And that can keep that from becoming an escalated conflict.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

And I think there's balance for this too. I I'm a big proponent of boundaries, and I think you we learn those throughout our entire lives. But in this, I'm thinking about elementary or middle school age, where it's okay to say, hey, I don't like that you called me that name. If you continue to call me that name, I'm going to have to go play with another group. And so I think that we get real weary, like, well, that sounds really mean. Even when I tell my daughter that, she goes, That's really mean. I said, Is it mean or is it protecting you? Right? You gave you said what you felt, you gave them another shot, and then you revisit tomorrow, right? I'm not saying you don't, you're not gonna be friends with this person, but you are gonna provide some distance so that you can keep yourself safe.

Repairing Friendships After Big Conflict

SPEAKER_03 13:24

So, how can adults help kids repair friendships after a significant conflict?

SPEAKER_04 13:28

Depending on age, I think some structured play that has my go-to in our family is board games. Board games have clear rules, like proximity is very close. You know, I'm gonna find ones that are low anxiety, low energy, but something skip bow is a card game we play a lot, and it's it's very slow, turn-based, and now we're all doing something again together and we're doing it all in a safe way. We all are clear on what the expectations are because we all know how to play this game, it's familiar, and so now we can have safe, familiar calm interactions again.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Well, and just even that game or the rhythm of that game, or everybody knows the rules, that in itself is gonna turn down the temperature and create felt safety. And then if you do have to have conversations about what happened, you've already regulated everybody in your family and kind of primed them for those conversations if they're needed.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

I I think the adults gotta call it out first too. I mean, especially we're talking about friends. Again, I said this before, there's always other people involved when you're involved with somebody who's not your child. So I think it's important for the adults to get together and have conversations with their young people, let them see their part of that conflict. How maybe they might have been inappropriate and to get them back together, right? Because one of the things they're gonna have to learn as adults is how do I I have to be in the same space with this person? How do I exist there? How can I be respectful? Maybe not like a person or anything, and how can I be respectful in that moment? How do I repair a friendship? Hey, um, you know, I found uh a long time when I was a kid, I I found that sometimes when my friends were mean to me, they didn't really mean it. I think you said that earlier, Colin, did you mean to make me feel bad? No, I just said that because I thought it was funny and and you really hurt my feelings and I hold on to it, or whatever it is, right? Or or even when you get into we were kids, we'd we'd rough and tumble sometimes and it got it gets too far. Nobody ever meant for it to go that far. And we all, you know, when we when we were teens, we could recognize, hey, hey man, I didn't mean for that to go that way. I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I failed. Whatever, even though we didn't use feel statements when I was a kid. But you know, we did we did talk about it. You know, we should we'd shake hands and I think that's how we we gotta teach young people is how to come back, how to not avoid each other if possible, and just make that repair and see where the other person was coming from.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

And I think we get extra practice at this in this community because it's a small community. I think about it with our elementary school, but also just the residents that live here, that if they don't repair relationships, they won't have any relationships because I mean our campus is big, but if you're in conflict with everybody in your community, then you have no friends, right? Like you're kind of forced, whether you do it the right way or the wrong way, you're forced to repair.

What Adults Do That Escalates

SPEAKER_03 15:53

What are some things that adults should avoid saying or doing during a conflict tensure they don't unintentionally escalate it?

SPEAKER_04 15:59

I'll put in a plug for watching your body language, depending on you, and then depending on the child, you may already be physically intimidating twice their size, towering over them. And that could be if you're totally calm and in a relaxed posture, still an intimidating presence. And so getting small, sitting down, kneeling, getting to where you're no longer the towering over individual. And then if you're in conflict or fear or anger, then you're probably also tense and they can feel anger in that. But how can they operate in any sort of conflict calm resolution if they don't feel safe because they've got a giant standing over them?

SPEAKER_01 16:33

I think anything that would invalidate, and I don't think people do this intentionally, but anything that would invalidate the emotions in this experience or this conflict. So I think sometimes with pure intent, we go into these situations and say, hey, this isn't a big deal. Let's just move on. And I think again, pure intent, we just want this to be over, but that can rile kids back up because we've all said this, they are very emotionally driven, and this is a big deal. The fact that you took my, you know, basketball or whatever. And so I think trying to take the kid seriously with what's going on, both kids or however many kids is gonna be important.

SPEAKER_02 17:05

Adults are way more powerful than they realize, even if it's your kid or or you're you're working with other children, the things we tell them can make impact forever. You know, I would avoid saying things like, you know, name calling. Sometimes we're trying to make a point and we we'll say something, and I don't even want to say things, but uh, you know, you'll say something that's super emotionally charged. You might not mean it, or you might in the moment just trying to make a statement or a point of how much I care and love you, and that what you're doing right now is not smart, and all the things. And and I think that those statements and made in anger and stress and in a loud tone or not can really create some problems for a young child. It also breaks the trust they might have for you and teaches them the wrong way to have conflict.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:47

And which is what we're trying to learn here and teach them.

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Isn't that interesting to think about like an adult? Sure, we've all done it, but kind of walk into a situation to try to diffuse a conflict and we come at it in a way that is also conflictual. Yeah. And then expecting it to turn out well. It's tough. It is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

I mean, some people want to use their their power, their presence, their because we want it to be done, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:07

Because there's discomfort in us or fear in us or whatever. It takes a lot to be able to, I think Cole said this, to just like be in that moment in that presence with those kids, not really knowing which way we're gonna go here. That's hard to do.

SPEAKER_02 18:18

Yeah, can we acknowledge how embarrassing it is when our kids are fighting with other kids? Oh my god. Everybody else is there. Right. You have to do something about you're expected to almost, right? Right. Some and you know, and you know, so we get emotional and that's right.

SPEAKER_04 18:30

Yeah, because now we feel judged, we feel less than. I mean, we we work in professional childcare settings. And so whenever whenever our kids are acting crazy, which might have been known to do from time to time and in public. And man, there's a lot of feelings and judgment that comes with that.

SPEAKER_03 18:48

Even if no one else is even noticing or caring. Yeah. So that leads really into this next question.

Staying Neutral And Slowing Down

SPEAKER_03 18:53

How can we as parents or teachers remain neutral when mediating conflicts between kids? Because I think sometimes we get emotionally hijacked with our kids too, and we want to defend them and yeah, I think the first thing is to check and see if you actually are neutral.

SPEAKER_04 19:05

Whether it's your own kids, whether it's other kids, whether it's kids at school, we all approach every situation with our past experiences in mind. Right. I'm sure it's been said before on this podcast, the brain is lazy and it wants to see things through the lens of the past. Right. And so if if we know, hey, this kid is likely to have started the fight, then that may be how we approach the conflict, and that may be the lens we hear both of their stories from. And it may be right that time or not. And now you are reinforcing to another child that they won't be taken seriously.

SPEAKER_02 19:35

So I was thinking when y'all were talking about how can parents or teachers right remain neutral. You know, y'all remember that? I don't know if I should say, but inside out where they're where the man's like, put down the boot and he pushes the button, right? So parents have the boot, right? We can we can put down the foot, right?

SPEAKER_05 19:49

Right.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

Or or and teachers have an eject button, right? I can send a kid out of my class, right? So I gotta remember what's my goal, right? What's my goal as a parent? What is my goal as a teacher? My goal as a teacher is to learn, teach the kids, to to show them something. And my goal as a parent is to make healthy adults. That requires me to remain neutral. So if kids are having conflict between each other in either of those settings, no matter how I'm feeling about it, I have to remember why I'm here and what's my purpose. So hopefully, teachers have some sort of training that have some kind of conflict resolution training or not. And parents don't often get that, but look up some things of of how you remain calm. But how do you do it? Right, deep breaths, anticipate. You know, you know that some kids are gonna say things that are kind of off the wall sometimes. So you gotta anticipate that. Anticipate that they're not gonna think you're on their side, but ask questions and maybe separate them from the group. A group is a terrible place to be, a group, especially in a in a classroom setting or or where there's more kids around, get them separated, speak maybe with them one-on-one first. But the most important part is to keep my calm. The worst part is I think that's what y'all were saying earlier. We want it done. Teachers need to move on and teach. Parents gotta cook. I gotta move to the next thing. I gotta get to work. We have to slow down and just remember. But I think it's the modeling of it all. Take deep breaths, hear each side, make a judgment call. What's gonna resolve this thing today? Do I need to split these people up? Do I need to send one kid to their room and both kids to their room? Do I need to, hey, give me a minute to talk to one while I talk to you? I think making the both kids feel heard is the biggest part about resolving this conflict. That's usually what it's about.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

I think you make actually a really good point about the slowing down. Because we as adults, we have our agenda, our schedule, everything we want to get done, done, done. But if we rush it and it doesn't actually get resolved. And then even though you may have resolved it quickly for that moment, it's probably gonna rear its head later in the day. So you really haven't saved any time. You're actually just delaying the conversation. Take the time and work through that. I think is a pretty important point.

SPEAKER_02 21:39

I I tell my staff members who work with kids, I tell them, hey, the easy button's not always the right button. Sometimes doing the right thing takes time. Um so do the right thing every time.

Contact Info And Closing Reminders

SPEAKER_03 21:48

All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. If you'd like to contact us and ask us a question, our email address is podcast at calfarley.org. I'll leave a link in the description. Also, if you haven't already, don't stress out about it. It's super easy. Just follow and subscribe to the show and leave us that five-star review. As always, remember, you might have to loan out your funnel lobe today. Just make sure you remember to get them back.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Thank you for listening to Brain Based Parenting. We hope you enjoyed this show. If you would like more information about Cal Farley's Boys Ranch, are interested in employment, would like information about placing your child, or would like to help us help children by donating to our mission, please visit calfarly.org. You can find us on all social media platforms by searching for Cal Farley's. Thank you for spending your time with us and have a blessed day.